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Setting Weddingbee policy can be a tricky thing, and so as often as possible we like to involve the hive.
With that in mind, please help us think through a recent issue that emerged on our full-figured board! :-)
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Before we talk it through, I want to clarify one thing about Weddingbee. I've read on the boards recently that Weddingbee was designed to be a "community of support".
We're really glad to hear that, but that's actually an accident. The only thing we've done by design (besides remove spam!!) is to occasionally police personal attacks and snarky comments.
One thing we don't police is people's opinions. It is 100% OK to post your opinion, even if you disagree with the OP or if your opinion is unpopular (although you may hear from other users about your opinion!). The only thing we ask is that you avoid attacking another user or responding to another user with something snarky.
This recent issue is tricky, because it wasn't in any way a personal attack against another user... but it could be perceived as a comment against a group of women (petite women).
So the policy question emerges: how should we as a community handle comments which might be seen as an "attack" against a group of people... especially if the comment wasn't meant as an attack.
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There was a recent thread where someone shared a saying meant to reassure other full-figured women and help them feel good about themselves:
ONE DAY WHEN I WAS BEING DOWN ON MYSELF, MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME A LITTLE PHRASE THAT COMPLETLY CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT MY BODY AND MADE ME LOVE MYSELF FOR WHO I REALLY AM.... THIS PHRASE IN NOT MET TO HURT ANYBODYS FEELINGS... THAT BEAUTIFUL PHRASE WAS....
MEAT IS FOR REAL MEN AND BONES ARE FOR DOGS.
Some petite women quickly pointed out that that reassurance came at the cost of more petite ladies.
A few points followed shortly after, outlining pros and cons:
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We'd love your input in both the comments and the related poll... and also, suggestions on approaches to handle situations where a comment might be perceived as an attack on a group of people.
After we've heard from lots of people on thoughts and potential approaches, we will create a separate thread where we will collate the various approaches - which could range from:
Then after we've gotten feedback on the various approaches and suggestions for other approaches, we'll put it to a vote in a final thread. :-)
Plus, please help us take take the temperature of the earlier thread by voting in the related poll.
Thanks!!
Mr. Bee
ps I mentioned this earlier, but I love that someone said that "All bees are BEEautiful". We couldn't agree more! :-)
I found it offensive/ill advised but I don't want the administrators to do anything about it. I thought the response was perfect - people pointed out why it might not be a good saying to share, other people disagreed, other people who disagreed with the disagreers, etc. I think anything short of personal attacks is just fine.
Honestly, I didn't even read the post because it was in the "full-figured" section. I figured whatever the OP's grandfather had to say had nothing to do with someone like me (naturally thin)-- and I was right! 
I agree with Archana (even though I did not find the OP to be offensive). The response seemed fine to me. Too much censorship is never a good thing...not to mention, it's expected that things like this arise from time to time.
Or to put it more bluntly: we've gotten a growing number of complaints from smaller brides who feel that Weddingbee is regularly allowing "skinny bashing" comments on the site.
Should we do something about this? Or it should we leave the comments up, as long as they don't contain a personal attack...
typo in the poll in the second choice, I think you meant to say wasn't instead of was
Is putting on your big girl pants an option?
As you said, the message board has gone beyond wedding details. So if people choose to venture outside of the "what do you think of this dress?" type questions and the "what do you think of me?" questions, you run the risk of having your feelings hurt.
And the thread was in the full figured subforum! So obviously it's going to be filled with full figured girl love!
I'm not for any form of censorship unless it is a direct personal attack on another user. You can't police opinions. If a skinny person feels bashed by a general comment made, then they can post their opposition to it in the thread and say why they were offended (and vice-versa if a full-figured bride feels bashed). That is the way to maybe make the OP or a poster see their comment from a different perspective. Having admin shut down the thread accomplishes very little in that regard.
I was not offended.
Like Arachna, I wouldn't do anything about it unless there are personal attacks or obviously a big attack against a group. This one seems like a grey area to me.
I think it's fair that people can share their opinions on it as long as it doesn't get out of control.
And, as others have said before, if you don't like it, you don't have to read it. I stopped when I got annoyed.
I'm sorry that some people were offended but it wasn't skinny bashing, plus it was in the bigger girl side (which i'm totally apart of), and i find nothing wrong with it.
I think the comment was a little offensive, mainly because of how negative it is to think "bones are for dogs". I am not upset that I saw the post on the weddingbee, however I would advise that women evaluate what they post before they do it. There are women who are thin due to disease, genetics, etc. I would never want another bee who has a disease (eating disorders are a DISEASE too) and is thin to feel offended and leave this site.
Obviously our society promotes thin women as a norm, which is wrong. However, I think as women we should all be celebrating each other for who we are instead of making a generalized comment about women different than us. (Women who are full-figured would not be ok with a thin woman saying full-figured is not beautiful, or real men don't like that).
My personal opinion is that some people are just way. too. sensitive. It is not that hard to determine if something is meant as an attack, or as something funny. I would seriously doubt if anyone really believes the original poster dislikes thin girls because they're thin (or would advocate others dislike them because they're thin). To me its akin as posting something like "brunettes rule and blondes drool!" I mean... its just a funny little nothing.
Now (full disclosure time), I fall more into the "meat" than the "bones" category so maybe I'm biased? But I kind of feel like if you're thin you've got to realize that society and 95% of america things your body is beautiful. Maybe I'd feel differently if it was a saying about a somehow discriminated against group?
I dunno. I guess overall I just think that for something like this where the original poster clearly had no malice in mind, we should just let it go. If someone wants to be offended and think she's a jerk, well thats their right. But there have also been some threads recently about people being afraid to speak their minds and I think the risk of letting some groups be offended is less serious than the risk of most posters being afraid to speak their minds.
one thing we can probably all agree on though: THIS is why i love weddingbee! I feel so much more connection here than most sites because you and Mrs. Bee actually ask for input (and listen to our answers)!
Should we do something about this? Or it should we leave the comments up, as long as they don't contain a personal attack...
Yes.
If you censor, the communists win.
(Not that there's anything wrong with communists, of course.)
(^Sarcasm^)
I really, really think that it's way too sensitive for someone to walk into a specific thread for a specific group of Bees, and be upset by things like this. This post was in the full figured thread. It was for a specific audience.
I really feel like if we open up to allowing extreme sensitiveness to comments not aimed outside of a specific audience, a lot of discussion would get shut down. For example, there is a long running thread in the Christian section about gender roles. Honestly, I find the idea of set gender roles really offensive. But, the thread isn't for me. It isn't about me. I'm not the intended audience, and no one is aiming it at me. It would be the height of crazy to run into that thread and, as a woman, demand an apology (yes, this is a bit more extreme). Same can be said for any section geared to certain needs. They can't exist if they aren't allowed to speak to their own audience, sometimes to the exclusion of other Bees.
We have to let Bees with specific issues address their issues in peace.
Aw, thanks for calling me petite, Mr. Bee, lol. I'm FAR from it, though. So while *I* am not offended by the post (cuz I know it wasn't directed at me), I just think it could be hurtful to others.
But I think only a small handful thought the post was in poor taste, or at least, from what I judged of the responses.
I think that, in general, making posts that COULD be inflammatory are just...random. It wasn't in response to something (like "oh i feel bad about myself. make me feel better!" then the poster says "oh honey, here's what my gpa said, it always helped), it was a whole post dedicated to "hey my gpa said THIS about me so I'd feel better about being full figured" basically. To me, it's different.
I *KNOW* if i went to the "rings" board and posted "My momma always said a diamond shouldn't be a chip" or something like that, I'd get flamed with the fiery flickers of hell for it (which my mom is indeed famous for saying and i roll my eyes every freakin' time). How is a comment like my example (which I feel is terribly inappropriate) any different? Because it wasn't intended to harm? Personally I don't see how I could say that without harm, but hey, what if it wasn't? What if mom was making me feel better about my ring?
I feel conflicted about this because I can see both sides. And seeing as how stuff like this comes up rarely (ie this ONE post) perhaps it's best to wait and do nothing until it DOES become an issue. As in, if regular posts show up along the same lines.
I don't think one post warrants an entire policy change necessarily.
I'd rather hear people's true opinions. Now if it a direct personal attack I completely agree that's a different beast.
Especially for the example given our media is so about skinny women I have a hard time feeling sorry if someone says something to say a bit o' meat might be better. Whatev....I think I'm thin and beautiful but if your grandfather wouldn't like me then he has every right to that opinion.
I do think that these comments should be left up because, like other brides have said, it is an opinion, saying, whatever. We should be able to say what we want, and just because I don't agree with the saying doesn't mean I am mad that she said it. She has that right.
Dude i don't even filter or read filters to see it's in a specific section when I comment, haha.
I think you can just leave it to the hive members to comment on something being insensitive.
I don't see anything wrong with people being able to point out "hey that could be hurtful" and then other people saying, "nah, not a big deal"
Yes, I was offended by the comment, but I do not in any way think that the original poster meant any harm by it!
I also agree with what others said that these things shouldn't be censored. I was offended by the comment (which stems from many, many years of being made fun of/attacked for being thin) but what I posted on the thread was more in the spirit of trying to remind everyone that skinny girls have feelings too, and less about trying to get the comment taken down. 
Isn't that why you have created other different boards to post on? If you can't feel comfortable sharing thoughts with those around you then why was this created in the first place?
Everything on here is opinionated and subjective. Do I like people implying on a thread that since I declawed my cat that I might as well have cut off her entire paws and rendered her useless... even taking it to the point of animal abuse? Not one bit. Did I calmy tell my opinion without "bashing" on the others. Yep.
Women are self-conscious and seems to be heightened even more on the "most important day in your life!" At the end of the day we are here to bounce ideas off of, get opinions and most of all share in this special time together.
@mrbee- shouldn't the second bullet read "I wasn't offended..."?
Yeah I agree with amanda....I might chime in and say 'hey I don't agree with your grandpapa' but that doesn't mean that grandpapa's opinion should be taken away.
I'm surprised that people are so upset about this... I guess I'm petite, although I'm pregnant so I probably look like a whale at the moment, but I find the comment pretty hilarious. I don't think we need to censor such comments, as she obviously wasn't trying to attack skinny girls.
I think that recently policing the boards against "personal attacks and snarkiness" has gone so overboard it isn't even funny.
It makes me not even want to comment anymore, because if you think someones shoes clash with their dress (when they ask for opinions), you are afraid that someone will be "hurt or offended". It is getting really ridiculous.
There comes a point where people have to grow a bit of a skin, and pull up their big girl panties.
We are all getting married/ are married here so we should be grown ups and be able to deal with peoples opinions.
I just wanted to add that I think there's a difference between being offended by something and wanting to censor it. I may be wrong (I mean, I guess I am, because obviously the post was flagged), but I didn't think that anyone was trying to get the comment taken down or trying to start a fight.
For me, it was more about sharing my opinion and sharing my personal experience. I never even thought about wanting the comment taken away or wanting anyone to do anything about the fact that I found the comment offensive. I don't think it was the OP's fault that the comment was offensive, and I know she didn't mean anything by it. I never would want comments like that taken down just because some people don't like them - I just think that we should all be able to share our opinion about the comment.
I personally think people are being too sensitive. People are gonna disagree here and there, weddingbee is a great community. I feel like we are all adults and we can handle it....but maybe Im wrong.
Ms Mini - Are you referring to moderation by the site admins? We really very rarely ever moderate anything (other than spam), so I am wondering what you're referring to.
I'm sorry I'm probably going to sound dumb here, but what does PC stand for?
As in the poll above: This is all too PC for me.
Thanks ladies! 
just my two cents on this: I love that Weddingbee is a place where all the "bees" can come to get support and opinions about their weddings and to feel good about themselves. That said, like mr.bee mentioned above I have noticed an increase in the number of "skinny bashing" type comments on the boards. I'm really glad that this is a community where full-figured women can be embraced but I don't believe it should be at the expense of smaller women. I'm a petite skinny person and comments that make me feel like "less of a woman" because i'm on the smaller side i find to be just as inappropriate as comments in the media/society at large that discriminate against larger women. Can't we be inclusive of everyone without promoting one group at the expense of another?
as for policy, i leave that to you mr.bee. people are entitled to their opinions and the freedom to express them even if they are disagreeable to me.
I agree with most, no censorhip. The posts should be left up. However, if a thinner girl writes a post about what her grandfather says about full figured women there should also be no censorship.
I'm on the bones side i guess...and not really offended by the comment because I see the humor in it. But I have a feeling that if a petite girl wrote something similar about full figured ladies, there would be a huge backlash...
I actually don't even see how it was offensive. The thin brides should know that can't be the case or they wouldn't be getting married! The full figured brides should know the same thing! The poster probably shouldn't have wrote that but she did use the appropriate board to do so. I like that if you don't like a post or don't like a comment then move on. I'd prefer WB didn't censor.
I've heard my coworker talking on the phone to a friend bashing the friends car manufacturer which I also happen to have. Although somewhat rude of her, she is still allowed her opinion or whatever makes her feel better and I moved on silently disagreeing and rolling my eyes.
As someone who left The Knot because of all the snarkiness, it was refreshing to come here, it's way more of a supportive and uplifting environment here. I'm more of a reader than a poster, but I do believe that sometimes it's the exact opposite than The Knot here, extremely PC. I don't believe anything should be censored unless it's spam or a personal attack. The OP was sharing an anecdote in the full-figured board and wasn't attacking skinny girls. I'm neither bony nor full-figured and I think it's okay for a poster to say "this could be taken the wrong way" and leave it at that. I also think it's totally okay for the OP to post what she did on the board.
Way too often when people come to message boards we bring all of our own insecurities & issues to the table and take things too personally.
Please don't censor.
Mr Bee - I am referring to the tendency for other posters to feel the need to stand people down for their personal opinions. Even if you aren't being snarky, if you don't post with sunshine and flowers, there is a group of people who seem to want to make sure you know that you are being inappropriate.
I am glad that the moderators leave posts up, but the policing by other posters has gotten to the point where lots of people on the boards don't feel like they can state their opinions because they will be seriously called out for them.
I thought the post was a little offensive, but at the same time it doesn't bother me that it was posted here. The OP (and her grandfather) are entitled to have their opinion, just as I am entitled to respond and say I don't agree with their opinion and explain why.
I don’t think comments should be censored (unless clearly obscene/racist/offensive, personal attacks, etc.) – especially when they are placed in a specific forum, and not just the general forum.
Honestly, I can’t believe that post got as much negative attention as it did. Thin women don’t have the short end of the stick in society at all, and no, as a petite woman, I don’t find a comment clearly made by a grandpa to make his “larger” granddaughter feel better about herself to be personally offensive. Sure, I could take offense to the chiding I sometimes get from friends when I say I want to lose 10 pounds, or to the fact that “Womens” size clothing is Plus size (does that imply that since I wear a size 2-4, I’m not a “woman”?), but seriously, do you know how much sh^% BBW get, and how much easier thin women have it? Comments like that don’t bug me in the least – especially when from the tone and everything you could tell it wasn’t meant in a mean, belittling spirit.
I also agree with pp who have said sometimes you need to pull up your big girl panties, whether those panties are size small, or size large. I’m a big believer in picking your battles, and for me, that certainly wouldn’t be one to pick. Perhaps for others, it was. Peace.
I think some people are just too sensitive. Leave weddingbee as it is! I thought it was appropriate for the full figured board and although I may be considered boney I wasn't offended!
Please don't change the policy. If we can't say that we don't like something anymore, then what's the point of asking for opinions on things. I often don't look at what the sub-categories are and have sometimes jumped into posts that I had no desire to read and could possibly bother me, but I don't feel that they should be taken down just because I don't like it. If you say you can't discriminate groups then you can't even give opinions, such as "I think that dress makes you have a bit of a tummy" or "I don't like your theme, it's cute, but..." If people don't like what a post is saying, they'll either leave and look at something else or they'll comment with a differing opinion, just like in real life.
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