Post # 1
I figure this is a better poll question, but comments are definitely appreciated.
After I graduated college and got a job, my mom and I bought a beautiful house together, that neither of us could have easy afforded alone, with the understanding that we would both contribute financially and time-wise to its care. I have only had one interview, which I told her about as soon as I scheduled it (an HR phone screen), so this is the very beginning of the ‘job hunt’. However, I did not ask her opinion/permission since I am an adult and can make my own decisions and I do not think the chances of me even getting an offer are that great. If I do get an offer, I will certainly take her opinion of whether it is worth it to move into account.
I live in Ohio, almost three years out of college. I have been offered an interview at a big company (think Google/Amazon/Microsoft etc), but if I get this dream job, I will be moving to California.
My mom’s point of view: Upset that I did not consult her and am ready to go off and do my own thing without considering how it will impact others and leave her to deal with selling the house/car/ taking care of other things. Concerned that I do not know anyone in the city and if an emergency happens I will be on my own, and that this new ‘dream job’ might not be all I am hoping for since the cost of living is so high there and so are taxes.
My point of view: I am 27 and I deserve to have freedom to give myself my best chance at a career and life. If I do establish a good career, I will be better able to help my loved ones in the future. We did not agree that I wouldn’t move away when we bought the house. Before I move, I will do my best (painting/cleaning) to get the house in order so it will be sold easier if she chooses to. She would be able to afford it if she wishes to, but would need to make some changes perhaps (like having her fiancee move in). She would get to keep all the money if she sells.
Team me or team mom? Thanks!
Post # 2
You are 27 so of course you should be able to pick up and go and make life decisions as you please, but you own a house with your mom and I think it’s pretty rude of you to just up and leave her to deal with that situation by herself. If there was ever a chance that you were going to get a job, or if you were even job hunting in other states to begin with, you should have never gotten into something long term like purchasing a house. I am team mom on this one.
ETA: This is less of a “family involved in my career decision” and more of a matter of having to split a house you got into your mom with.
Post # 3
So generally, I would say: 0% say for your mom. But you have a house together, which requires certain obligations. Are you still going to be taking care of your part? Would she have to get a renter? What if she doesnt want to sell? I think these are certain things that she should have been consulted on – even if you were just to move down the street. It doesnt really matter what the reason is (job, new BF, just feel like getting away).
I think its a bit tricky. Because like you say, you are an adult, and getting a new job somewhere else is totally fine. But as an adult, you have to respect your other responsibilities.
Post # 4
tommywantwingy : They messaged me on LinkedIn and asked me if I was interested in an interview, I wasn’t really looking.
Are you still going to be taking care of your part? Would she have to get a renter?
It would really depend on what the offer would be and how much I would have left over after paying for my place in CA.
As of now, she could live there by herself/with her SO since only taxes and insurance and utilities need to be paid
Post # 5
lauralaura123 : Generally speaking, yes, you are an adult and free to live as such. I don’t think any notice would be necessary if you were searching in the same city (as in, you’d still be making at or more than your current salary and wouldn’t need to move).
However, in this particular case, yes–you should have talked with her about the situation because you’re bailing out on 50% of the responsibility involved with that house. Payments, upkeep, etc. Plus, selling costs money too; are you going to pay for a realtor? I think it was totally unfair to start this search without consulting her. If she wasn’t your mom, and she was a friend/roommate, would you have said anything? If so, then you owe the same courtesy to your mom.
That doesn’t mean she can stop you, or that you shouldn’t go for it, it just means you need to do it the right way.
Post # 6
This is why people should ALWAYS draw up legal papers when they buy a house with someone they aren’t married to. Your mom should not have expected you to live in that house with her forever, nor should you be expected to give up your 50% of the house when it sells.
Career advice: go on the interview and see what happens. If you get an offer and want to take it, cross that bridge with your mom when you get there. But take this time to formulate your career goals and explain them to your mom because since you co-own property, they impact her life too. No one likes to feel blindsided.
Financial advice: If you have both paid equally for the house over the last 4-5 years, you are a 50% owner and entitled to your share. Don’t feel guilty or guilted just because the other partner in the house is your mom.
Post # 7
You gotta take the job. & no your mom has no say as a mom.
As a business partner re: your house, she kind of got screwed. I’d be upset too.
Make sure she isn’t left with extra work or debt & give a full thorough apology. You might need to work around helping her out for a bit.
Post # 8
lauralaura123 : Could she live in it by herself though? You said “my mom and I bought a beautiful house together, that neither of us could have easy afforded alone”. If you move out then your mum either has to buy you out or sell. Since she couldn’t afford it alone in the first place, it seems unlikely she would be able to buy you out at such short notice.
You’ve posted in two threads now to ‘prove’ how right you are.
You seem to have a consistent lack of regard for other people.
Post # 9
Of course you have every right to choose your own career path and place to live; however, you have obligations where you are currently at that need to be addressed before taking off somewhere else. Your decision does impact your mom because you both purchased a home together that neither one of you can afford on your own income. I had a similar situation with my parents and did a lot of sit downs, discussions, and planning before moving to another state. I would never leave them in a bind when we shared responsibility for something. I’m team mom for the sole fact of the shared responsibility. As far as you advancing your career and becoming more independent, I feel that is your decision alone. You don’t have to detail every little thing to her, but you do need to discuss your plans in regard to moving out since it will affect her.
Post # 10
“I am 27 and I deserve to have freedom to give myself my best chance at a career and life” — you do have that freedom, but you have obligations to take care of. Welcome to being 27.
As an adult, you should respect an agreement you’ve made with another adult and discuss the possibility of the terms of the agreement changing way before this point. Lessen the blow, have some empathy.
Post # 11
I think a lot of her concerns are just normal mom concerns. Doesn’t mean she wants to control you or necessarily stop you even if it comes off thay way, but just parental concern.
However, you co-own a house with her. This is more than just roommate territory. You are partners similar to if you bought a house with a spouse – you made yourselves a team with legal obligations. I’m sure she figured you weren’t going to live like Bert and Ernie forever – eventually one or both of you might marry or get job opportunities. But if you only framed your possibly moving away in the abstract “fyi – i applied for a job in another state” rather than having a real discussion about your ultimate goals, 1 year plan, 5 year plan, long-term plans for the house, etc. Then I can see why she might be upset. It isn’t that you need her permission to pursue your career as you see fit. You don’t. But you have a responsibility to your partner you legally are tied to to have discussions about long-term planning instead of just acting like you can do whatever you want whenever you want without forethought or consultation because mommy can just figure it out and pick up the pieces. You owed her a lot more notice and some discussion about this than it sounds like you gave her – not because she’s your mom, but because you entered a long-term agreement with her with legal and financial implications. You weren’t just temporarily crashing mommy’s couch.
Post # 12
I think you should give your mom the same consideration you would give a spouse in the same situation. If you wanted freedom, you never should have bought a house with a parent.
Post # 13
Just to clarify: I would not be asking for anything when/if she sells the house. Everything I paid/contributed would count as if it were rent
Post # 14
lauralaura123 : How would you feel if your mom was doing the same thing to you? Disregarding the normal “mom” worries she is having, which I feel are totally valid…cost of living in Ohio and cost of living in Cali are VERY different, consider the fact that you went in on this house with her and now you’re bailing. If she left you in this lurch, how would you react?
I personally don’t see this as a parent trying to “control” their adult daughter’s career decisions, as it is a concerned parent trying to get her daughter to consider potential issues, and also another person in general who you’ve made a business arrangement with but now you’re backing out on without considering the consequences to her. Sure, her FI can move in, but that wasn’t exactly what she agreed to when she bought the house with you. Perhaps she has reasons she doesn’t want to live with her FI before marriage, or realistically any number of reasons she has that she’s allowed as an adult.
Bottom line: you paint this as a controlling parent trying to tell their adult child what to do. That’s not the case at all.
Post # 15
Did neither of you anticipate that there would be a time in your lives during which you wouldn’t want to live together?