Post # 1
I wasn’t quite sure where to put this, but I ended up deciding on etiquette. So I’m in a weird situation I have a junior bridesmaid and an usher who are 9 and 7 years old. They are my cousin’s children, but they are like a niece and nephew to me. So their names are going to go in our programs and other places (placecards for example). Well, their mother (my cousin) and her father are divorced. They share custody of them, but the divorce was pretty messy. No cheating or anything like that, they just had their differences.
So obviously the children have their father’s last name (let’s say it’s Jones). However, my cousin says “we don’t like to use that name”, so she doesn’t use Jones. I guess she must use her last name (let’s say it’s Smith). So in our programs for our wedding, I’m torn with what to put for their names. I don’t feel it’s right to use Smith, because that’s not their last name. Their legal last name is Jones. And it’s not like the father isn’t involved with them. It’s just extremely awkward. What should I do?
Post # 2
That is awkward and honestly unless there was a legal name change that sounds like BS. However, as the children are minors just do what the mom says.
Post # 3
SneakyBee: I would use whatever name they are known by. If they go by Smith and you use Jones, no one will know who you are talking about.
Ask the mother what name she woujd prefer you use.
Post # 4
SneakyBee: um…but what do those kids put on their tests at school? what name does it say on their report cards? i’d feel weird not to use the legal name…
or can you just omit their last name? (because they’re so young… and go with something like bride’s niece Jane , bride’s nephew John -> i know they’re not your neice / nephew, but i couldn’t figure out what the correct term is…)
Post # 5
Use legal last names. What if the kids use their dad’s last name and look at the programs like who are those kids? Plus she shouldn’t be bashing their father, or get her family to help her out, it only makes her kids feel like crap. Maybe even just use only their first names? I hate when parents do this to their kids.
I have 3 half brother’s who my dad raised. My parents didn’t have the money to get their names changed and they still go by their father’s last name, their legal names, as do their kids.
Post # 6
I think it’s awful that she is making them feel bad about half of their genetic make-up and their very identity.
I would ask the kids what they call themselves/ how they think of themselves. Then I would inform the cousin that you are using the names the kids themselves identifiy with because it’s important to their self-esteem to have that sense of identity and you won’t be taking that away from them for anybody.
Post # 7
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
SneakyBee: Unless she home schools them there is no way they dont use their legal name. The school goes based on what is on your birth certificate.
ANYWAY, I would use their name. I know she’s your cousin but do not make confusion for these kids when they look at this program.
Or as Kili said, omit last names all together. Not saying there will be anyone bad at your wedding but some people prefer their kids names not to be used in the first place, for safety reasons.