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The only thing I am asking my BMs to do is buy a dress that they pick in the color and general style that I want and to show up for the wedding. They are from all over the world and while they are invited to showers and bachelorette parties, I don't expect them to come to all/any of them or to throw me any type of party.
Good topic TallBride!
I am asking them to come to rehearsal+rehearsal dinner the day before, and show up a few hours before the wedding wearing the bm dress (that I bought them) and some sort of black strappy shoes. No pro hair/makeup unless they want it, cause I can't afford to pay for them. :(
They offered to throw me a shower and a bachelorette, I said it's up to them and it's ok if that doesn't come through since we're all scattered across the country. The only condition I have is that it's not costly for them or the guests. :)
I forgot about the rehearsal. So, I am also asking my BMs to come to my rehearsal and then the rehearsal dinner. I'm also planning a sleepover in the hotel the night before so we can be girly together and celebrate my last night of singledom.
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My girls are also scattered all over the country, and because they have pretty high-powered jobs, and in some cases small children too, they don't have the kind of leisure time that we all did when we were right out of college. I asked them to pick out dresses in the general color scheme that I set, to coordinate such that the dresses generallyl went together, and to provide hours and hours worth of moral and design support via email in the wee hours of the morning, and via cell phone, mostly (as far as I could tell) when some or all of us were driving to and from airports (which happens almost daily).
They did a fantastic job with the dresses, managing to meet in odd locations on business travel to shop together, and doing a ton of mail order and return.
Other than that, the physical help that I requested was all the week and day of the wedding. They were all able to take most of the week off (!) and spend it here. They shuttled cars, helped keep my mom and dad occupied, tended to the various needs of out of town guests, ferried wedding essentials to (and from - after the event) our venue, and pretty much looked after my every need during the actual wedding - including many, many little plates of food, and glass after glass of seltzer with lime. They also did a heroic job of socializing with the guests, which there were simply too many of for DH and I to be able to handle. I have heard a great many comments from our guests after the fact about how much they enjoyed talking to all of them.
They also (with the help of various friends in various locations) threw me some really fun bachelorette parties, but I absolutely didn't ask for that, knowing how busy they all are. I actually didn't ask for much, and so it's just that much more fantastic that they all did so much, since it really wasn't expected.
I'm asking them to pick a dress in the color and designer I chose (but they are all under $150-ish and there are lots of styles to choose from). We're going to order online from House of Brides for the cheapest price, too.
They can pick their own shoes and accessories, and do whatever they want with hair/nails/makeup. I'll make appointments for them if they want them, but they don't have to (and it would be at their cost). They just need to smile for the photographer when the time comes.
I'm asking them to travel (most will be flying) to the wedding, and show up the day before for the rehearsal. We booked a very moderately priced hotel and if they want to stay somewhere else for less, they can.
I'm not expecting to be thrown a shower or bachelorette party, but I think they are going to organize at least a bachelorette party, based on what I've been hearing through the grapevine.
Some are going to be able to arrive a few days before the wedding to help out with last-minute projects, and I am very grateful to them for that. Others will show up just before the rehearsal, which is fine. I'm going to need them to help keep me calm, since I'm going to be a stress-basket, but I don't think they're going to hold a grudge about it.
Other than that, if they cry a little during the ceremony to demonstrate how much they love me, I wouldn't mind ;) (JK!!!)
Each is purchasing a bridesmaids dress. I told them a general color, but they ended up all liking the same dress. They'll all be at the rehersal dinner, and we'll all crash together the night before the wedding. (I'm guaranteed no sleep!)
Other than that, everything is voluntary. One of my sisters is working on centerpieces with me, another sister volunteered to do the cupcakes and cake. My sister wants to throw a bridal shower, though I never asked, I did throw one for her. I have a bridesmaid in Seattle who is probably going to throw me a party too, although again, I never asked.
I have a very crafty bridesmaid who wants to help assemble centerpieces and place settings and my future SIL is sort of the de-facto Tahoe coordinator, as she lives there and has done this kind of work as part of her job.
The other two are guaranteed to keep me flush with alcohol and laughter.
In all, I couldn't ask for a more helpful group of friends/bridesmaids... and I've tried to keep my expectations exceedingly low.
Seems like what I'm asking is along the lines of what the PPs have said:
--They can pick any style Jim Hjelm dress in the same color and fabric. I've paid for anything over $150.
--They can pick their shoes, jewelry, etc.
--They can pay for their hair and makeup if they want it. They can do their hair however they want.
--They should be at the rehearsal the night before.
They weren't expected to throw me any showers, but I did want them to show up for the bachelorette that my MOH planned. But for one reason or another, they didn't/couldn't/wouldn't. But I didn't "expect" them to show up as BMs, it was just hurtful that they didn't want to come hang out with me.
I haven't asked them to do any wedding-planning tasks or DIY things though, and don't plan on doing so.
I decided not to have any bridesmaids...I am just going to have my best girls get ready with me at my mothers house on the day of the wedding!
Each of my bridesmaids purchased a dress of their choice in the color Pool from David's Bridal (all 4 are wearing different dresses).
Each bridesmaid is also purchasing silver sandals of their choice. My moh hosted the bridal shower at her house with the help of the other bm's and my mom.
3 of my 4 bm's decided to pay to have their hair done.
They are all chipping in for a hotel room the night before the wedding (we got a 2 bedroom suite at the W).
All my bm's and other friends chipped in to throw me a bachelorette (last night!!!).
My bm's will be attending a spa day with me on 8/7 (my treat)
On 8/8 we are all getting our nails done - each paying our own and my bm's will attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.
on 8/9 I get married! They will be involved in all festivities, and my moh and her husband (on of our groomsmen) will drive my fh and I to the airport. My moh will be in charge of taking my dress, shoes, veil, and other stuff for me.
In addition -- my moh is helping me make my wedding favors and my escort cards. One of my bm's is a seamstress and she did the alterations on my wedding dress and the other bm dresses. One of my bm's that is out of state is making chair signs for the ceremony.
Other than a few hiccups, everything has gone smoothly and my bridesmaids have been more than helpful. I've known two of my bm's for over 15 years, one for over 10, and the other for 2. We are pretty tight bunch and have always been there for eachother, so this is just par for the course. The only "hiccups" have been with the bm I've only known for 2 years.
I am having eight bridesmaids, all in different stages of their lives {some have children and are married, others are still in college} and in different states. The possibility of a group of us meeting up to choose a dress was virtually impossible. So when I looked at wedding dresses with one of my cousins, we chose a black dress that we thought would flatter everyone. I had two stipulations–it had be less than $150 and have decent size straps so everyone could wear regular bras.
So my BMs are responsible for purchasing their dress and paying for alterations where they live. They can wear any silver or black {I haven't decided yet} heel they want. Their hair can be up or down or whatever, their choice.
My aunts traditionally throw a shower and FI's cousins are throwing me a shower in his state, so the BMs aren't responsible for that {and to be honest, probably won't be attending either of my showers}. Since everyone is spread out, I not be having an official bachelorette party. All of the BMs will be at the rehearsal and reherasal dinner. Since a lot of them are originally from the wedding location {and have children}, I'm not sure we'll be having an overnight or anything. I am hoping that we can all get ready together at my aunts house, but I'm not positive.
So basically my bridesmaids are just standing up with me on the day...and that's okay. I'm hoping one of them will help me with centerpieces that week and I have asked two friends {not bridesmaids} to oversee the decoration of the ballroom the morning of the wedding.
I figured the cost of my four bridemaids' dresses into the cost of the wedding. I couldn't justify them paying for the dresses in a color I chose that they may never wear again. I just ask of them that they show up at the rehearsal and the wedding. Everything else is icing. It's my wedding not theirs and they are doing me a big favor by taking time out of their busy schedules to be there.
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Pretty much just show up? Hahaha.....I like your topic - I assume its based off of a previous discussion thread ; ) I asked them to buy their dresses. I shopped for months on my own, and showed them a million dresses, and they ended up choosing watters....if they didn't care about that price, neither did I! Then we went one day and ordered all their dresses. Thats pretty much it. They did throw me a shower, and I told them the bachelorette party was no necessary but they insisted. Then there was the rehearsal, and then the wedding. They kept asking me things throughout - what shoes should we wear, what should I do with my hair, nails, everything else....I was like, really, I don't care! Do what you want, just be there - I am going to be freaking out and will need you there - bring champagne and xanax ; ) I really think it matters who you have in your party. Those who are really closest to you and who are real friends and family do these things because they want to, not because they feel obligated. Thats the problem with the ones who complain about their bridesmaids, or the bridesmaids who complain about the brides. They aren't close enough, aren't into all of it, not to say they don't care, but they definitely care less.
My list:
-Buy a dress (I haven't decided on what dress, but I am asking for their input / preferences)
-Wear own appropriate shoes (black)
-Wear own accessories to match
-Do own make-up/hair or get it done with me - their choice!
-Attend rehearsal
-Help with a couple easy DIYs - e.g. wrap up the sugared almond bonbonnieres (hopefully have fun, too!) .. I asked for them to help the week-end that is exactly two weeks before the wedding (and we're 10 months to go to the wedding)
-Throw me a bachelorette (and I am unconcerned as to what and where it is - I don't want any big trip to Vegas, but a fun time with my best friends)
-Throw or attend a shower (but if there's more than one shower, than a gift is only required for the first one ... no gift for subsecuent showers ... and I would only like a token or small gift, and I have told them so).
It's a long list, but I was clear and upfront with them about their expectations. I hope so, at least. I don't want to become a burden on my friends! I love them!
Show up at the wedding wearing the dress I purchased. And once I found out that they were already planning my bachelorette, I requested that there be margaritas. That's all. Everything else they are doing of their own free will, mainly because I think only having a shower because I forced people to throw me one would be worse than not having one at all.
What I am expecting of my MOH:
- to show up on the day of the wedding, wearing a dress (she'll pick it out and pay for it, but it is completely her choice and will likely be off the rack somewhere, as she doesn't have to match anyone else and I made it clear that it should be something she wants to/is able to wear again)
- learn how to bustle my dress and help with this between the ceremony and reception
- to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the day before
- to attend the spa morning prior to the rehearsal (optional, my treat)
What my fabulous MOH is actually doing (beyond the list above):
- throwing a couples shower (potluck, at my request, to keep costs down)
- helping with wedding projects (I've been throwing crafting parties where I provide drinks and food and invite a close group of friends to craft - completely their choice to attend or not, no expectations)
- getting her hair done (again, completely optional - I didn't think she'd want to do it, due to expense, but she wanted to, so I made all the appointments)
- staying at the inn with the rest of the wedding party and guests the night before the wedding (her choice, but I did pull strings to get her a reasonably cheap room for one night only, despite a 2-night minimum)
Overall, I've been completely blown away by the amount of love, support and willingness to help on the part of my MOH and other close friends. I did not expect any help from anyone (other than my mom, who has been amazing), but when I found out people were interested, I have invited them to participate, always trying to make sure to feed them, make it fun and be flexible as possible.
I'm the first one in our group to get married, so we're all sorting this out as we go and so far, it's going fairly well.
My BMs are also all over the country so I'm asking them to:
-buy their own dresses (any shade of blue, knee-lengthish)
-if they want, get their hair/makeup done (I'm not sure yet if I"m doing my own hair/makeup)
-fly in the day before the wedding for rehearsal
-help on the day of the wedding (wrangle guests, help set up the tea ceremony, hold my stuff, keep me calm, make sure I'm not too shiny, make sure I don't trip - I'm notoriously clumsy)
-stay for the brunch the next day
-talk to me, answer emails when I start to freak
That's about it. As far as I know, there won't be a bridal shower (I was a little sad about this, but am realizing that everyone is too scattered. These are the girls I want up there with me on my wedding day- I understand that I get a day, not more than that). I'm paying for their hotel the weekend of the wedding.
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My MOH (and sister) thre me a bridal shower. I am asking my bridesmaids to be at the rehearsal, earlier if at all possible to put the final touches on set up. Aside from that... eat, drink and be beautiful! I want them to enjoy their night and celebrate with me. Oh, and I asked my MOH to do a toast :)
For showers, I think the bride should always specifically tell your bridesmaids not to get you any gift for the shower, even if its just a token gift or small gift as someone mentioned above. They are already spending alot of money and time and will be getting you a wedding gift. They will probably get you a shower gift anyway, but the gracious thing to do is tell them you don't want gifts from them since they are giving the shower and/or serving as your bridesmaids. That is just my opinion.
I think what you ask of your maids depends on their situtation, as a lot of the posts above suggest, most of us brides are pretty understanding.
I'm asking my girls (3 are BFF from 3rd grade and his sis) to...
buy their dress and shoes (120-150 for the dress, any black heels)
Attend the Bacholerette party and pay their way ( i reserved a room at the sahara for 80 bucks a night.. so 45 per person for the weekend, we live in LA so no airfare)
Help out with craft crap when they can.
Hopefully someone will throw me a shower, no has mentioned it, and i don't want push it either but secretly want a lingerie shower :e)
I'm pay ing for hair, they can pay for make up if they want it
attend rehersal...
I picked the dress & shoes (both in black)
They can do their own hair, nails, makeup (optional)
Show up for rehearsal dinner ( which I guess that's too much to ask for some people)
Show up for the ceremony. (MOH has to be there sooner to help with some minor things)
Our wedding was 2 years ago (wow... time flies!) and I really couldn't ask too much of 2 of my bridesmaids, as they were my younger sisters (15 & 17 at the time) except that they wear the dress chosen. They were all able to choose their own silver shoes and accessories. Hair was provided, easy as pie for them!
My MOH was a huge help... she purchased the dress everyone agreed on, wore any silver shoes she wanted, and I provided the hair stylist. Since she studied floral design, she helped by doing all of my floral arrangements (Boquets, corsages and bouts) and made sure the program and flowergirl's baskets were pretty. She threw a shower (not required) and not one, but 2 bachelorette parties, also not required. She went with me to pick up my dress to learn to tie the bustle, and then the morning of the wedding, went with me to pick up my cake and finish decorating the venue. She was amazing during pictures, rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, and just made the experience so much better.
I know this is getting long, but I think as long as a bride is upfront with her friends, and isn't pushy, the more help the better. And I was also a bridesmaid last year for a friend, and I WANTED to help and be a part of their day. If you can't commit to making this the best time of your friend's lives, then maybe the best thing to do is decline when asked to be in the wedding party. Just my two cents....
Interesting thread!
I'm asking all of my BMs to do the following:
- Buy a bridesmaid dress in navy blue -- I'm making the ultimate choice on style, but we are narrowing down the choices together. It's very important to me that they end up buying a dress they can truly wear again.
- Buy or wear their own existing red shoes (This was something they all wanted to do)
- Wear their own accessories
- If schedule permits, attend any showers and the bachelorette party. We're scattered all over the place (only one of my BMs live in the state I'm having the wedding) and I know a couple of them have prior professional commitments close to the week of the wedding, but they are being totally sweet in trying to wrangle as much time as they can to be there and with me the week of. But I've already told them to not go through too much trouble taking extra days off if they can't.
- Attend the rehearsal and RD
- Help with some DIY projects week of the wedding if they are in town already
- Help with organizing transportation for guests -- this might fall on my one in-town BM but she knows a lot of our guests...we all ran in the same circles and we're used to organizing car pools from college!
- Be there on the day of the wedding and just have FUN! :)
What my MOH is doing beyond general BM expectations:
- Planning my bachelorette party and bridal shower
- Arranging music for my ceremony -- she is a musical genius and wanted to contribute in this way for the wedding!
What I'll be doing for my BMs:
- Pay for hair/makeup the day of wedding
- Organizing a spa day the day before the wedding
- Possibly more but I probably haven't thought of it yet!
All in all, I feel really happy and blessed with how wedding things are shaping up with my bridal party...I seriously couldn't have asked for better friends to be standing up with me and they are making planning a blast, even if we're all in separate states!
NorthCarolinabride2b ... you're right, that is the gracious thing to do. I also don't expect wedding gifts from them (and will tell them as much). And to be honest, gifts are truly not important. I just want my closest friends to be standing up for me! :)
You should definitely never use the words "required" and "gift" in the same sentance. Your right Krista, the most important thing is having your closets friends with you for fun and support.
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What are you asking of your Bridesmaids?