- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
My husband and I were dating for around 6 years before we got married this past September. I know he used to look at porn a lot- the first few years we dated we didn’t get to see eachother often, and then the next several years while I was in college it was even less often. We always had a very active sex life when we got to see eachother, but any other intamacy we had was via skype.
I feel like he was probably already really sensitive and guarded about porn, and the first time I discovered it I reacted so badly that he probably felt the need to be even more secretive about it. I had felt so hurt and betrayed, the first fight we had about porn wasn’t very good. We were watching a show on his computer when a download popped up saying it had completed (It had “hentai” in the title, so I immediately knew it was porn). I used to have even worse self confidence than I do now, so at the time I felt so shattered and worthless. I think he felt really guilty about hurting me. The fight wasn’t yelling and screaming, it was more like I was crying and asking why I wasn’t good enough.
I then made things worse by looking at his history on his laptop a few years later and approached him about it. I knew I had done wrong by looking through his laptop, and I told him so. However, it didn’t change the fact that I was kind of concerned about the amount of porn he was looking at and was kind of worried about some of the content. Of course, when I asked him about it, I tried to throw all judgement out the window and just ask him, sincerely, why he looked at what he looked at. That day I had gone through his history, I’d sort of had a revelation about porn and tried so hard to have an open and honest conversation with him about it. He basically shut down and gave me short, quick responses…like he was so embarassed he couldn’t bare to talk. 🙁 I mean it when I say I tried SO hard to make him feel like he wasn’t under attack. I guess I had already done too much damage though.
We’ve had a few other talks over the past few years about porn and I continued to let him know he could be honest with me about it and that I wasn’t going to react like I had in the past. I understand men and porn a little more now and I don’t feel as threatened by it. I have expressed to him that I would be a lot more upset about him lying than whatever porn he looks at.
We’ve been living together now the past month or so, and I saw something on his computer today. When I sat down, he had a browser open with his Reddit acount up. He spends tons of time on reddit and I was curious what he looks at on reddit. I literally clicked on one thing, a tab that shows what he has “liked,” and saw a handful of porn links.
I really don’t care what he looked at, I just hate that he won’t talk to me about it. All the times that I’ve tried asking him about porn or if he’d been looking at any, he’d been lying to me. I don’t know how to make him feel like he can talk to me about this.
I’ve tried so hard to let him know how I feel about porn now, but he still seems so afraid to talk to me about it. I don’t know what to do. Should I mention what I saw on Reddit or would you guys think he’d react badly to that? Or should I just try talking to him about porn again and not tell him that I saw some things on his Reddit account? I’m at a loss. 🙁