Porm: I had a change of heart, but he hasn't…Advice?

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mrsuber:  Why do you NEED to talk about it at all?  And why are you still looking through his web info?  You’re okay with him watching porn now, awesome…but just leave it alone.  Why do you need him to discuss his porn watching activities with you?  I know that DH doesn’t watch a lot of porn, but when he does it’s his private time, and there’s no need for me to ask about it.

Post # 4
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

So you are ok with porn but need him to tell you what porn he looks at and how often?  Why do you need to do that?

I think he sees it as a private thing (that’s how I see it too).  I like my occasional “alone” time and yes I look at porn sometimes but I do not discuss it with my husband and vice versa.  That time is about me and me alone, lol.

Personally I think you should respect his privacy. It might help if he used private browsing when he looks at porn so you don’t have porn stuff popping up randomly and getting you upset.

Post # 5
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrsuber:  why exactly do you guys need to talk about it?  He watches porn and masturbates, like many men, Big deal!  WHat exactly is there to talk about?!  It’s a private and personal thing that is really none of your business as long as it isn’t effecting your sex life in any way (e.g., he’s turning down sex because he’s masturbating).

Post # 6
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I kind of understand why you would be upset, but as previous Bees have asked, if you are okay with him watching it why does there need to be a discussion. If you are sure that his viewing it isn’t a problem I would probably stop asking for awhile then maybe causally bring it up one day far away from now. If you insist on discussing it, and he does not budge, maybe go to counseling? 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@mrsuber:  Dang!  I came on this thread to find out if I was missing something because I had no idea what “porm” was!

I agree with the PP’s, why do you need to talk to him about it?  He watches/looks at porn, either you’re ok with it or your not.  Maybe try some activities that get him off his damn computer!

Post # 8
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

@mchitt329 : I legit did the same thing! LOL

agree with PPs, if you’re okay with it, why the need to talk about it? You know he watches it so it’s not about him confirming to you that he does…

Post # 9
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If you feel the need to talk to him about it, you’re obviously not OK with it. No matter what, he’s going to continue to watch porn. So you need to accept that now.

However – ask him to be conscious of what webpages he leaves open on his laptop. Ask him to clear his browser history after watching porn (which I’m kind of surprised he doesn’t already do). Tell him that you’re fine if he watches it, but you really don’t need to see the evidence/aftermath of his porn habits.

The reason why he doesn’t talk you about his watching porn is because you reacted so poorly in the past, and I doubt he’ll feel comfortable talking to you about it any time soon.

As long as it doesn’t affect your lives together – as long as you still have a healthy sex life – just drop it. Maybe in a few months you can bring it up again. 

Post # 10
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

First, I don’t understand the need to talk about it. To me that screams that you really aren’t ok with it. But he probably won’t talk to you about it because you’ve completely freaked out in the past. Why on earth would be want to relive that? Unless you’re talking about watching porn together, then I see no reason why you should bring it up since it’s clearly causing so many problems. DH and I mostly watch it together, but sometimes if we watch alone we will talk about it. But we don’t have issues with porn. I’m not say that no one would ever talk about porn, but it’s clearly a very touchy subject in your family. Maybe you should leave it alone for awhile and only bring it up if you can do it in a non judgemental way and have a healthy conversation about it. 

Post # 11
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @mrsuber:  I see this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

First off, I see porn to be one of those “early conversations” that a couple should have… so as to make sure both people are on the same page, in regards to their “moral compass” on this issue.

As I do see, that “some sorts” of Porn usage could be a Dealbreaker

Because in reality there are several types of “visual” stimulation that men enjoy… depending on the man…

Photographs – Movies – Internet Interactive Porn – and “Strippers” in real life

Not to mention some guys get into other stuff… fantasies, kink, girl on girl, guy porn, or child porn (the latter of which is of course illegal)

Every relationship needs to have THE TALK so that the issue is out in the open, and things are understood early as to what each person sees as acceptable / not acceptable / boundaries in their relationship

I take it something has perhaps changed in your relationship since you first spoke with him about porn.

Either the type of porn he views… or the frequency

Type and Frequency can BOTH be valid issues in a committted relationship (as they can impact your own IRL sexual relationship with each other)

And so, ya another conversation might be in order.

If he’s hiding stuff from you… for me that is a BIG RED FLAG too.

Not that as the other Bees say, you need to be 100% involved in what he is doing (know all the details) in so much as guys deserve their privacy for “personal time”…

BUT again, I get a feeling from your post by reading between the lines, that perhaps things have changed in his Porn Usage, and he doesn’t want you to know that, or know more (ie frequency of his use)

Otherwise, if I’ve misread, and everything is as they were previously… he’s viewing the same types of porn, same frequency as before, and it isn’t impacting your Bedroom Tango, then I think like the other Bees that YES you are over-reacting.

You don’t have to interogate him on this front… he deserves his privacy.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 12
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@mrsuber:  Let it go! Would you be OK with him nagging you about your masturbation habits? That’s not something people generally like to discuss. Give the man some privacy.

Post # 14
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think unless what he is looking at is illegal (ie child porn), you should just leave it alone.

You say you’re okay with it, but from these reactions and snooping, it doesn’t sound like you really are. Why do you feel that he needs to talk to you about it? 

Post # 15
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Anyone listen to Dan Savage. Maybe not the BEST advice but I do remember this one: “Porn. All men look at porn, and most women do, too. If you have a problem with porn or your partner looking at porn, the only solution is for your partner to pretend not to look at it and for you to pretend to believe him or her.” (http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/October-2013/Fight-Club/) Maybe he is trying not to bother you and pretending for your sake. If it doesn’t bother you – respect the pretending and maybe he may eventually open up a bit more. 

Post # 16
Member
7285 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@glitter-girl:  You say you’re okay with it, but from these reactions and snooping, it doesn’t sound like you really are. Why do you feel that he needs to talk to you about it? 

+1 Just leave it alone. 

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