Porn…*sigh*.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Sunshine09:  Have you two discussed porn previously and reached a consenus? Does he know how you feel about it? I ask because no one is expected to be a mind reader and if he didn’t know you thought it was a big deal (which I am assuming because he left the window open – he wasn’t trying to hide it) then he would have no reason to worry about your feelings.

I have a no porn policy in my relationship and that’s what works for us. However, if I wasn’t meeting my husband’s sexual needs then he would have to meet them somewhere else. I assume solo sex would be more appropriate than cheating in most relationships. Sex is a crucial component of an intimate relationship and I would be upset by a lack of it.

I know you’re pregnant and he hasn’t been pressuring you. He probably thought he was making the best decision for both of you. If you don’t feel that is the case, my only suggestion would be to talk to him and express how you feel about the whole thing. I’d be super pissed but I have set that expectation early on in my relationship.

Post # 4
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’d just talk to him. “Hey I turned on the computer and ____ was up” and go from there. He’ll most likely be understanding. Let him know it makes you uncomfortable because of your past relationship, and I’m sure you guys can come to an agreement.

Post # 5
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Sunshine09:  As long as he didnt turn you down for porn I dont think you have anything to worry about. Tell him you saw it, and dont make a big deal out of it.  Once you are having sex more than once a week, you can bring it up if the porn watching doesnt slow down.

Post # 6
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I was in a situation similar to your previous one with my ex. He would hide porn and it became an obsession. He was also addicted to drugs. It was ugly. So I made a negative association to porn. 

But with my current relationship, I’ve learned that masterbation can be part of a healthy sex life. And men are more visual creatures when it comes to that. So long as it is not puposefully deceving. And it doesn’t interfere with sex with your partner (ie: turning you down). Everyone has different tastes, needs, schedules, etc.   

It sounds like your man needed to take care of business and was not trying to hide it (other wise he would have closed the browser and cleared the history). Of course, I’m not pregnant, so I can’t speak to that. But it sounds like he was trying not to bother you. I don’t really see much harm in it. 

Post # 7
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Sunshine09:  Ugh. I’m sorry you had that terrible experience with your ex!

I would assume that the porn is his tool to not harass his massively pregnant wife for sex too often.

And to make you feel better– Since I’ve gotten pregnant, my sex drive has gone WAY up–and DH’s is GONE. So I regularly “fix my issue” while he is asleep, literally right next to me!

Post # 9
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My agreement with FI re porn has always been:  Not when I’m in the house, and I don’t want to know, so keep it to yourself.  That means deleting browser history etc.  

We are in a LDR so obviously I don’t know what he looks at on his tablet when he’s not here.  Thinking about it does make me feel a bit eww…but as I’ve used it myself I’d be a hypocrite if I tried telling him not to use it.

I think that I’d mention that it came up when you turned the computer on, and that you didn’t really appreciate it, nor the fact that he’s doing it when you are in the house.  I don’t blame you for feeling a bit disappointed. 

Post # 10
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Sunshine09:  I sounds like you are with a really great guy and congrats on expecting!  I’d recommend that you remember that your current relationship is not your past relationship and while there are a lot of frogs out there it sounds like you a prince in him.  Use this as a opportunity to talk with him and have a conversation about it.  

 

Post # 11
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think there is a difference between sneaky, hidden porn, and the understanding that hey, porn and masturbation happen. Huge difference.

Not all porn leads to cheating, and not all porn is detrimental to a relationship. Masturbation is a release; it isn’t necessarily related to the state of your relationship at all.

If it bugs you, tell him – but saying something like “I don’t want you watching porn or masturbating!” probably isn’t going to go over well.

You’re quite pregnant, so as he says, he’s probably just trying to get his needs met without putting too much on you. If you don’t feel like he’s cheating on you or being sneaky about it, I wouldn’t worry too much.

Post # 13
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Sunshine09:  I wouldn’t take it peronsally at all… i think specially for ppl in younger generations who grew up with comps … its like totally normal for ppl to look at porn . If anything he might be reverting to habits of when he was living alone alot of ppl cant sleep unless they get off.

 

if  your sleeping and very pregant and sex hurts you a lil or is unconfy, he isn’t trying to inslut you he trying to not be selfish with his need for sex and bother you when it makes you unconfy 

 

its likely he just seriously couldn’t get to sleep unless he came, he prob couldn’t do it alone b.c. well lots of ppl speically men are not as mental a get off as a visual 

 

i think u be alot more unconfy if u woke up in bed and he was looking at you sleeping jacking off… 

 

porn is normal as long as its not all the time, he might have hid it in this case b.c. you are preg and he hate for you to feel like omg i not doing what a wife should and pleasing your needs… he likely didn’t want you to feel like u should be having more sex when it hurts you b.c. he does not want to push you and wants you to be confy and happy not stressed worried or in any disconfort more then what just is un avoidable when preg

 

i wouldn’t worry to much he prob just really couldn;t get to sleep with out getting off and didn’t think his pregant wife should be responible for his needs when it makes u sore and you are already  doing so much for him creating your wonderful child 🙂 

 

most guys would rather have sex then get them selfs i think that thing with your ex was one of those rare things that its sad you had to be with him but its something tht was isloated to him and a small group and very unlikely is happening again 

Post # 14
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Sunshine09:  I would just talk to him. Most likely he just thought you were tired and just wanted to get one out & go to sleep. Hit it and quit it is not exactly something most pregnant women are up for, so he might have thought he was doing you a favor.

Confession time- SO & I are sick. He went to bed early a couple nights ago but I was feeling… needy. I totally snuck a little porn time in. I knew he wasn’t going to be up for anything and I knew I wasn’t going to get to sleep in the state I was in. By no means does it mean I am going to cheat!

Post # 15
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

Glad you got to talk to him about it 🙂 I’m sure a lot of your feelings about this “incident” had more to do with your ex’s infidelity and being pregnant (I know my hormones are all sorts of crazy and I fly off the handle emotionally over random stuff). But it definitely helps put your mind at ease hearing it from him and not just us girls on the Bee.

Post # 16
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Sunshine09:  At least he had the good grace to be embarassed… he should be, too. He should have the wits to be a bit more discreet, particularly when you are so very pregnant.

Ties in with what I’ve always said to FI: “I know that you do it, but I don’t want to KNOW.”  A passing random ‘eww, I bet he does that’ is far more preferable than a garish site flashing up at you.  

When FI and I were living togther, he asked me to set up his computer after we moved in.  He’d also asked me to check if a particular picture was still in the file…first thing I saw when I opened the file?  Almost nude photos of his ex and him on holiday. I was pretty upset for the rest of the day.  He definitely got a few choice words when he got home…and I took great pleasure in deleting them all.

I hope you feel less icky soon.  

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