(Closed) Possessiveness of DH- need to resolve my issues. Pls read.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My FH found a good balance in that he talks to his parents on the way home from work, that way he speaks to them everyday, but it doesn’t cut into home time or weekends, and when he gets home he is free to go about his business,

i would be upset in your situation because I would feel controlled by the possibility of the MIl calling and if we don’t answer, we hurt her feelings. I would be on pins and needles alnd sentful about it, as though some of my freedom (to talk or not talk on the phone) to be taken away.

Perhaps you can set up a regular time and place to call her, and a regular meeting (brunch every other sunday?) that is short but makes her feel like she is not being abandoned because Darling Husband is married now.

Post # 4
11 posts
  • Wedding: July 2012

have you tried talking to your husband about this? how does he feel about it? i personally would get annoyed too and would kind of feel the same way if posessiveness….you are married she needs to realize this and back off just a bit. the fact that you still see them once a month is good, better than most people with families. if it were me, i would be upfront about it with my husband and tell him it bothers me and something needs to be said is a non-malicious way to his mom. this is YOUR life together with each other, she needs to understand and respect that. some times certain people need a rude awakening.


Post # 7
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Definitely come up with a plan with your hubby — and then, when you do talk to Mother-In-Law, start making it clear that you won’t be able to talk til x date. “It was so good to talk to you! Things are going to be a little crazy around here for the next few days, though, so let’s see if we can talk on Friday.”

Does your Mother-In-Law text? I know that my mom *hates* it. But she does it with my brothers now because this is practically the only way to keep in touch with them (and my mom is NOT clingy — would like to hear from them once every few weeks or so). You could suggest this as a way to keep in touch on days when you’re busy but don’t have the time for a full phone convo.

Post # 8
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ve gone through something similar to this with my Future Mother-In-Law.  She not only called multiple times a day when my Fiance and I moved in together, she would randomly show up at our house. It was always unexpected- early in the morning, middle of the day, late at night, it didn’t matter.  There were even a few times that a roommate would answer the door while I was in the shower and she’d be sitting in our living room waiting until I got dressed only to surprise me with her presence.  I had to put off what I was doing if I had plans or was in the middle of something.  It drove me INSANE.  After casually asking her here and there not to invite herself over and nothing changing, my Fiance had to sit down with her and directly tell her it needed to stop.  Feelings were hurt initally, but boundaries were established and it made a huge difference.

You’re going about everything in the right way, IMO.  This is your Darling Husband mother, and if you don’t feel it’s your place to ask her to ease off, he should.

This kind of stuff is always uncomfortable.  I hope it gets better for you!

Post # 10
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@soccer25:  Oh, I totally understand.  I’ll address what I think is going on in your issues and how the boundaries may help you with your problems:

1.)  “I still deep down feel possessive of him which makes me think I must be insecure/threatened.”  I think asking her not to call every day will help eliviate some of this stress.  Without her constant reminder that she’s “The Mom” and loves her son, I think you’ll feel more relaxed about it.  Does it almost feel like she’s shoving her presence in your face?  Telling her to back off could help ease some of that.

2)  “I resent the fact that my parents live in another country and I only see them twice a year.”  I think that ties directly into the boundaries issue as well.  The only solution to make you feel better about the distance (that I can see, though maybe someone has another suggestion) is to equal out the amount of phone time with both parents.  Even though you live in the same town as your DH’s parents, it may help make you feel less closed in on and more like your parents are in a nearer neighborhood too.

I hope this helps a little bit.  And I’m sorry you’re going through this.  It’s tough moving away from your parents when you’re close to them.

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