Post # 1
I’m in a dilly of a pickle here :o(
So, the bride knew she would get married mid last year and I was gone until autumn, when she asked me to be her bridesmaid (thru gift) in front of her fiance… I have never been a BM before, but I agreed, despite mixed feelings and uncertainty of what it requires and also suspecting being a backup, considering that she had already been planning for months.
As most brides do, she dreamt of the “perfect” wedding and was all up in the details up until around a month ago. After a few issues with the colors, she admitted that she didn’t care to correct it, and just wanted the wedding to be over with so she could go honeymooning. I was kind of hurt because a lot of people are spending a lot of $ on something she “doesn’t care about anymore”. If I’m spending so much, I’d at least want to get it right.
She recently asked the BMs availability for her bachelorette party. As it turns out, I had plans and told her, but it just so happens she decided to plan it on the weekend that I cannot attend because that is when the most girls can attend. I know she wants to be with all her friends but at this point, i’m feeling everything is more about head count and pretty pictures, than feelings and friendship and who is there. On the other hand, you (ideally) only get married once and I want to be supportive and share a wonderful time with her.
I was willing to cancel my plans and be there for her, but I’m just not sure if it’s worth it because she’s expressed so many times that it’s “just whatever”. All this coming from a friend who’s been flaky with me throughout the years, and put herself and her (former) boyfriends first even when they mistreated her and now will most certainly put her husband before anything else, but that is expected… while I tried and still try to put her first when she needs me…
I want to be a good friend. I want to be a good BM. I’m just not sure if it’s worth it. Should I cancel my plans?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I don’t think it really matters whether you cancel your plans or not for the bachelorette party, it’s just about which plans you would like better.
If you look around the boards, a lot of brides wait to ask their bridesmaids just to make sure those are the people they want, so I wouldn’t automatically assume that being asked after the planning has begun means you were a backup.
As for the wedding, it’s stressful, and a lot of brides get to a point where they just act like they’ve thrown up their hands and don’t care anymore. It’s more a coping mechanism than anything else, it might not mean she actually doesn’t care. Just try to help her get everything perfect and she will thank you for it.
Post # 4
If you really feel this way about your friend (flaky, puts herself and others before you), then you shouldn’t have agreed to be her bridesmaid.
Is it possible that she wanted to wait until she could ask you in person to be a bridesmaid? Your post doesn’t make it clear, but it sounds like that was her first opportunity to ask you in person. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you were a back-up.
Have you ever planned a wedding before? Let me tell you, it sucks. You’re dealing with everybody fighting over the guest list, meals that cost a ridiculous amount of money, both sides’ expectations, etc. All the while you’re still dealing with your normal life, trying to lose weight to look good in your dress, etc. Seriously, it’s awful. I don’t blame her for wanting it to be over at this point so she can go on a vacation.
I guess what I’m trying to say is try not to judge her too harshly. It doesn’t sound from what you’ve said here like she’s done anything terrible to you or the other bridesmaids. Wanting you to be present at the bachelorette party is understandable.
Post # 5
What are the plans? If they involve something long-standing/important I would think she would understand (e.g. bought plane tickets already). If they are casual, I would think you might look into changing them.
Post # 6
I’m a bit confused. So the Bride isn’t all rah rah excited for the wedding. And that’s making you doubt being in the wedding? I’m not seeing the coorelation. Weddings are stressful and overwhelming. It’s possible the bride is feeling a bit down about the whole thing and just wants to be married already. That shouldn’t affect how you feel about being in the wedding. The bride clearly wants you in the wedding! And wants you involved! I think you should honor your commitment to her.
Post # 7
Nope, don’t cancel your plans if they are important or if you already spent money on them. I think most brides understand that not everyone will be able to attend every wedding event.
Post # 8
You can’t win as a bride, can you?!
If a bride is upset everyone can’t make it, she’s a bridezilla, if she says it’s okay that you can’t make it then she’s doesn’t care about you!
Cancel your plans and go if you want, if you don’t don’t.
Maybe she is burnt out from the stresses of wedding planning which is why she is saying she doesn’t care. If you hvaen’t planned a wedding before then you probably wouldn’t understand this, but after so much planning it gets tedious. I’m in bridal burnout mode right now and don’t give two shits about what happens at my wedding anymore, as long as my groom is there and we end up married at the end of the day.
Post # 9
I’m a bit confused as well. What makes you think you were a backup BM? Have you heard through others that someone she asked said no?
Post # 10
I feel exactly the same way. At this point, we’re almost wishing we had eloped.
Post # 11
Thank you, every one. I guess I am jumping to conclusions. Maybe she did want to ask me in person. And maybe I don’t understand what it is to plan a wedding… I haven’t planned a wedding before and I’ve never been the girl who dreams about it since young.
I was never thinking about backing out of her wedding – I agreed to it, and definitely will not fail her. I tried to offer her as much help as possible because the maid of honor hasn’t been doing much from what she tells me. But maybe she wants to plan it herself as I have not heard her ask anyone for help.
I simply wasn’t sure about cancelling my plans for the bachelorette party and I was definitely looking forward to my plans before she even picked the date of her bachelorette party but I don’t want to be short with her or miss out on an important event in her life. It’s true – she hasn’t necessarily done anything unreasonable considering these circumstances. It’ s just we have a long history and other past issues… but that’s for another forum.
Again, Thank you all.
Post # 12
Should have added – DH was asked to be BM for his brother’s wedding 13.5 months into their engagement 19 month engagement, with 4.5 months to go to their wedding. That is delayed…not a few months. (I didn’t ask mine until 3 months of the 11.5 month engagement passed, because I asked in person.)
Post # 13
First, you shouldn’t have said yes to being her bridesmaid if you felt so strongly about her. She is planning a bachlorette party correctly as far as I am concerned. You DO look at the availability of the majority. Why would she plan a party that you and one other person can make it to but not the other 10? It doesn’t make sense, so you really cannot fault her for this.
If you feel like odd man out or that you don’t want to participate then you need to go ahead with your own plans and not attend the bachlorette party. Maybe you can plan to do something separately with her some other time if you want to spend some important time with her?
Post # 14
@indiralove: gotcha. Your post made it seem like you wanted to back out of the wedding. if it’s the Bach isn’t a huge deal. Do what is best for you.