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I am stuck!
One of my oldest friends, and I would love to be a part of the wedding has over 35 tattoos all over her body! I mean, behind her ears, on her calfs and shines, on her thighs and even on the sides of her hand! I think that she is going to heart broken if I don't ask her to be a bridesmaid, but I just don't think that all of her tattoos will go with the elegance of the rest of the wedding party, or with the theme of the wedding itself! My fiance is very against having her stand for me, but I am torn?
Am I being a major brat right now, or is my worry valid?
If you love the person and want her to stand for you, then the tattoos shouldn't matter. Beauty isn't just skin deep... but if you are hesitant, don't ask her and then rescind, just ask someone else.
You're being a major brat (hey, you asked).
There was another post like this not too long ago and my answer was basically the same.
Your friend is your friend. Her tattoos are a demonstration of self expression and art. Not wanting her in your wedding because of that is a total slap in the face. They are part of her and how she presents herself.
I have tattoos as well (tasteful and well thought out -they all mean something to me) and I would hate to be excluded because of them. I would also be royally pissed off if someone asked me to cover them -I know you didn't mention that but I just wanted to throw that out there.
Have your friend in your wedding as a bridesmaid if she has earned that wonderful right to be there next to you. Don't insult her or tarnish your friendship over something so little.
If I were the girl with the tatoos I would be very hurt that my friend thought so little of our friendship and so much of what other people would think that I didn't ask her to stand up with me.
i think i would have similar concerns and i really don't think you should be made bad for expressing them. i do think that if she is really important to you, then technically the tatoos shouldn't matter, but i DO NOT think that if you feel they do, that you're any less of a friend, or that she's not important to you.
you just need to follow your heart. your wedding is over a year away so you still have some time to figure this out!
My MOH has a ton of tattoos (sleeves/half body, random little ones, back.. etc.) I will admit that I stressed about them a lot, not to her, just in my head.
She offered to airbrush them (after I asked her to be in the wedding) and I was SUPER excited. Then I started reading posts on here about how that doesn't really work that well and all the problems that go with trying to cover up a tattoo (especially huge dark ones)
So I am little by little coming to terms with the fact that my MOH will have lots of tattoos.. my FI isn't too happy about it, but he wouldn't ask me to kick my friend out because of them.
I also try to remember that if she had some sort of deformation from a car accident or something that I wouldn't even think twice about having her in the wedding.. so why think twice about some colored ink on her skin?
My opinion is that you should have her in your wedding party if the only reason you wouldn't have her is the tatoos. If you didn't, you would be basing your decision on her apperance and not who she is as a person and what role she plays in your life. It would be the same as not asking another friend because you thought she was too ugly or overweight.
When you look back at your photographs are you going to be more preoccupied by clashing body art, or the fact that an old friend isn't included in any of them?
The fact that you ask the question and reference whether you're being a brat or not tells me you know the answer- if your wedding esthetic was the most important to you, you wouldn't hesitate- but you did, because I'm sure her friendship is more important that what she's chosen to adorn herself with.
Ask her. Love her. Let her rock the tattoos- nothing will distract from the beauty of your day, but I bet you'll always regret not having her by your side.
I get both sides of this.
I have tattoos, and I'm torn about them showing in my wedding, so how can I begrudge you that same concern?
In the end, it's your wedding, they're your pictures, those are your memories. Do what you feel is best.
If the girl is as close a friend as you are saying she, there you have no reason to not have her stand up for you. I think she would be heartbroken! Who cares if she has so many tattoos and that doesnt necessary "fit" your theme. Friendship comes first!! You have different friends bc they are all unique to you!!! Embrace her uniqueness and make it work. I really could never imagine my sweetie not wanting one of my friends in the wedding party bc of her tattoos. Just seems pretty harsh.
I'm with Mrs. DG on this one. If you are adamant about them not being shown, then maybe you could pick a bridesmaid's dress that has sleeves or something to cover some of them.
Let your friend be in the wedding. Her tatoos aren't going to be the most important part of your day.
I have two tattooed BMs, (and I'm a tattooed bride) and both BMs, without me even bringing it up, offered to cover theirs up.
But as the others have said, it's about people you love, not about what's on their body. Unless it's like a swaztika on the head of the devil while eating kittens or something scary like that I wouldn't worry about it. lol
Just echoing the sentiment that if she's your friend, the tattoos should not matter. Think about it...if she was not pretty or skinny enough for your elegant wedding party, would you leave her out then as well?
I totally understand your concern - these are pictures you will have forever hanging in your home and you don't want every single reaction to be: "Look at those tattoos!". I think you should ask her b/c you will regret it if you don't. But it wouldn't be out of line to ask her to use special makeup to cover them up for the day. Brides do it all the time and just tell her exactly what I just said - that you love her with or without tattoos, but the bridezilla in you doesn't want every single person to only notice her tatoos in your wedding photos.
I also think it's rude to exclude someone from the bridal party on the basis of their appearance, whether that appearance was something they chose or not. It's just not fair.
That said, there are various ways of participating in a wedding other than by being in the bridal party. You could limit your wedding party to family only and then ask her to be a reader, for example. But the concession would be that no one who wasn't family could be in the bridal party---so you couldn't make an exception on the basis of her tattoos.
I had this issue with one of my BMs and it took me a while but I got over it and put her in the wedding party anyway. Ultimately it would be WAY more trouble than it is worth to make a big deal out of the tattoo situation. Yeah, it sucks that it doesn't jive with the more formal aesthetic you're going for, but it's one day and some pictures. The way I thought about it was this - yeah I love my girls and all, but the pictures that will be prominantly displayed in my home for years to come are of me and my hubby, not the BMs.
I do not think you are being a brat or a bridezilla, as some have said (harsh, ladies!). It's a very big concern for some people. Some people don't like tattoos and some people do - it's a personal choice. Some people (like me) don't mind tattoos but have family members who would find it objectionable, others are marrying in a church where some would find it objectionable. It's a sticky situation but ultimately it is about your relationship with your friend and that should be the most important. Trust me, you'll get over the tats.
She sounds cool to me! =]
She's your friend, thick and thin. That's like excluding her b/c she's much much taller than everyone else and "sticks out" weirdly or something.
Don't exclude her for such a shallow reason
I think by possing this question you already know that you're being a "brat". Excluding someone based on how they look is not nice at all and I'm sure that you and your friendship, are above that. Ask yourself if you would exclude her if she was too fat or had horrible burns on her body. If you would still want her in your bridal party then I would ask her. I'm assuming this girl is a good friend to you "despite" her tattoos. I'm sure when you need her, she's there for your tattoos and all. Love your friend for who she is, not what she looks like. I would most definitely ask her to be in the wedding. Just remember, that her tattoos don't speak about whether she's a sophisticated and classy person on the inside. You can have a person who is polished on the outside and totally crass and un sophisticated when she opens her mouth.
So basically, if your friend were heavily deformed and didn't "fit" into your theme, you would seriously think about excluding her???? Yeah, didn't think so.
5 out of 8 people in our wedding party will have tattoos, and so do I. I would never think about asking them to cover them up, its a part of who they are. I could care less what my more conservative parts of my family think - its my wedding!!
Bottom line, she's your friend, no matter whats on her body. Ask her to be in the wedding, and she might even surprise you by wanting to cover them up for you.
Woah. Hold on a second.
Those of us that used the word 'brat' were not being harsh. We are answering a question posed by the originator of this post.
Isn't that what Weddingbee is about? Having an open, honest place to discuss issues?
Ladies, if ever I'm being a brat (happen a lot, trust me) please let me know. I use this site and these boards as a way to let off some steam, get a bit of relief and hear the truth.
You could always have your photog photoshop out her tattoos for your wedding portrait! (although that might be really insulting to her).
I'm fat and I know that the women who chose me to stand by them did so knowing they it would limit their BM dress choices- since J Crew, Ann Taylor and such don't carry a size big enough for me.
I kind of feel like asking her to cover up her tattoos to be in the wedding would be like someone asking me to lose 100lbs to be in their wedding.
If she means a lot to you, it shouldn't matter how she'll look.
Unless your being married in a place that doesn't allow them to show (like maybe certain places of worship), you can't really ask her to cover them up.
i think people calling OP a brat for feeling this way about the visual aesthetics of her wedding are being unfair.
i dont like tatts, i have no issue if you have them but really, at a event as important as a wedding the last thing i want to see is someone in the wedding party a walking billboard for her local tatt artist, for me it WILL become a focus for me to look at and it will take away some of the focus off the bride & the overwall wedding... come'on, she has them behind her ear for gosh sake - i wouldnt be the only one talking about that
we dont have to agree on this but there are other views plus her FI has already stated he doesnt want this woman in the bridal party - she is entitled to feel the way she does without being called names.. she obviously is already struggling enough with this as it is
I too have tattoos (which will not be showing--my dress covers them up) and a couple of my bridesmaids have tattoos (one girl's won't be showing and the other girl has a large tattoo right under the back of her neck and top of her foot so only would be showing for certain pictures). I agree that it shouldn't matter and if this girl is a good friend, she should be a bm. However, I don't think you are being a brat for voicing your concern. If it really bothers you, don't have her be a bm.
she is your friend and you want her there. Don't let her tattoos make the decision for you. If you have always imagined her there she should be there. Enough said.
I'm not sure how having tattoos makes you a walking billboard for another tattoo artist.
I think people often get too caught up in the theme or big idea related to their wedding. Your friend has tattoos and that's who she is. She's going to continue to have them throughout her life so when you reflect back on your wedding and look at your photos she will continue to exist in all of her tattooed glory. You'll have plenty of photos of you and your groom and you and your family that don't include her.
People seem to get so caught up in the drama of bridesmaids I'm awfully glad that I'm not having any.
Miss SoonToBee took the words outta my mouth.
love your friend, then you love her for EXACTLY who she is.
I think you should include her if she's one of your BFFs. She's your friend for good reason... and you don't have a good reason to exclude her.
I personally am not a fan of tattoos but FH has two sleeves and two rib pieces (all of which have significance to him and he wanted to cover for the ceremony. But if he wants to roll up his sleeves the rest of the night that is his choice) which he got before we met. Honestly when I look at him I don't even notice they are there. Even in pictures of us I do not "see" his tattoos. It's because I LOVE the person that is inside.
If you love your friend and she is as close to you as you say, she should be in your wedding regardless of how she looks on the outside. I think if you really care about her and when you look back on your wedding day you wont notice her body art but you'll notice the joy on her face as she is standing beside you on your day. Let her share that joy.
bleh...i dont think youre being a brat. and i dont agree with all this nonsense about how the tats are 'who she is' and 'part of her as a person'. garbage. she wasnt born with them...they're not birthmarks. i dont like tatoos. i dont like looking at tatoos on other people, just like i dont like watching people make out in public. so what. youre very entitled to feel that way. some religions believe it is wrong to tatoo the body...perfectly reasonable for you to feel that way.
now, should you exclude her from the wedding? not if she's one of your BFs and you think she'll make a great BM. pick a dress that covers all the 'art', ask her to wear cover up make up, or have them airbrushed out of the pictures.
it may be her body, but its your wedding. i dont see how asking her to cover her tatoos is any differnt from asking her to wear a specific dress or pair of shoes.
if and when you ask her to be your bridesmaid she may even offer to cover them herself! that way if you were still feeling like a "brat" about asking her to cover them it wont be so bad because it was kinda her idea to do so
Whaddya mean, "won't go with the elegance of the rest of the wedding party"?
I think this is taking it a bit too far - you're celebrating your wedding, not creating a set for a show. These are friends and loved ones who are there with you and for you - and you seem to be blurring the lines of what the wedding party role is there for - while it is YOUR day, they symbolize the friendship and love you have for them. And that includes their tattoos, scars, crooked teeth and bad nose jobs.
First off...I have a couple tattoos myself. Personally, I don't agree with the people comparing someone with a deformity (something they couldn't control) and someone with a lot of tattoos. Tattoos are done on purpose so that's completely a different story. People are judged by the tattoos they have for example at job interviews and they are aware of this before getting them. The point is, people choose to cover themselves in tattoos knowing that some people don't like the look of it.
My MOH has quite a few tattoos, but only one will be visible on her calf. This doesn't bother me. My FI doesn't really like this because he and his family are very traditional/conservative. If one of my close friends were covered in tattoos, I would be having the same issue as you, trying to decide.
@honeycomb - well put! you're not picking your bridal party because they look good. they are not part of the decor.
I agree, tattoos are a choice, and a deformity is not. I find that comparison to be ill conceived and irrelevant.
That said, it's all personal choice. I have tattoos. I don't want them to show in my wedding, because I just don't. However, my officiant has sleeves and I'm having him roll up his shirt sleeves during the wedding so they show.
It's personal preference.
But the fact remains, that this is someone's wedding and they have to relish the memories and look at the pics the rest of their life, not us.
I'm sorry for your dilemma. I personally don't think you are being a brat. I can appreciate this being a problem. Those tattoos might grab some of your attention. Really I don't think this is as easy a comparision as a burn scar or being over weight. Tattoos are very deliberate. Burn scars can't be helped, and there could be many issues involved with being overweight. Also, some people might have moral objections to them.
And to what degre are we talking? Even some of you who have tattoos, I think would have a limit as to what you'd agree is acceptable. Would you hold it against the OP if the friend had one tattoo on her arm...tattoos all over her arms...how about tattoos on her face? What about the images? Does it matter if it's butterflies and rainbows, or dragons and skulls, or her bf's name "Justin" written all down her arm? What if it's swear words or a penis? Or a Green Bay Packers logo on her forehead? I just think it's all pretty subjective, to be judging, even if she did ask.
I don't really care for tats, but if someone wants to have tattoos they have every right to. And they can be proud of them. But the OP doesn't have to be proud of them. She can like her friend despite them. (Maybe that's the true demonstration of friendship, if she didn't simply judge her based on them.) But she doesn't have to "celebrate" her friend's tats.
I think there are some good suggestions about trying to cover them up with makeup or dress, if possible. I really like the possibility rosy suggested about having the photographer photshop them. I'd make a phone call and ask about that. Ultimately I think you have to try to be comfortable with whatever decision you make. And if you do decide not to have her, hopefully she'll be understanding of your decision.
The comparison is just to show that something visual should not decide if they are your bridesmaid or not. Not attacking people with tattoos or people who have deformities. Just trying to give it a different light when you have trouble about a specific look your bridesmaid has, its a thought that helped me feel better about my choice of MOH.. so I thought it might help her. That's all.
I understand, cause I was in the same boat, my bff is covered as well, but I decided having her not be in because of that was just wrong (my feeling) she is part of my life, and just because someone else may not think its beautiful, she loves her tattoos and feels beautiful with them, thats just her wether we like it or not. It wouldnt be the same without her and she'd be devistated.
I keep coming back to this thread and every time until now I didn't know how to respond. First off, I think that some are being way too hard on you; while you did outright ask if your opinions seemed "bratty," I think you do have a valid concern here and for those to say you are being a total brat... well that doesn't quite sit well with me.
Okay, with that out of the way...
If I were in your position I know this would cross my mind, too. Tattoos are a choice and, yes, a form of personal expression. I cringe at the "my tattoos are classy" phrase... in my opinion, all tattoos are ugly, I have never seen a "classy tattoo." Once I saw one that I liked but to call it "classy"... I just roll my eyes. Tattoos are one of those things that are a bit of a hot topic because there a lot of people out there that are very against them, saying "I would never get a tattoo," while there are others that want to tattoo anything and every thing on their body. If you are in the camp where you think "I would NEVER get a tattoo," I don't blame this for bothering you.
With that said, I think I would regret not asking one of my closest friends to stand up in my wedding when I look back on the day, long after it has passed. When we wrap ourselves into wedding planning and get into discussions with other brides, it is natural that we think every little thing- big or small, is the end of the world. If I were to look in the future, and had decided to not include her, this is one of those things that I would think "really! I did that!" Sometimes we just have to look beyond this "little" wedding picture and remember what the day is really about.
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