(Closed) Possible LDR- please give me your opinion, I really need it!

posted 7 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t know your current financial situation, but I personally would do everything in my power not to be separated from Darling Husband for a long stretch of time. But if it’s financially necessary for you…well, you gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck!

Post # 4
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I couldn’t imagine. I have no recommendations as I don’t think this would ever be an option for me and Darling Husband.

Post # 5
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Darling Husband and I were long distance for 2.5 years, with a distance of 4500 miles between us. Vancouver to Oslo. We did it because both of us needed to finish school and establish some work experience before we could consider having one of us move to where the other was. It was really hard, but it was doable.

In the end, one of us did have to give up pretty much everything. In our case, Darling Husband gave up a promising career with a presitgious firm, his family, his friends. We did struggle with his feelings of resentment. But it was doable, and we’re doing great now.

Only you and your FH can decide who will go where, and whether or not the sacrifice is worth the risks. No one knows how it’ll work out. We didn’t. It was scary as hell, but we stuck to our guns and toughed it out. It IS possible!


Post # 6
18645 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My husband and I were LDR for about a year at the beginning of our relationship and weren’t able to visit each other very much.  I know it’s hard but it might be good for you two and you can make it work.  I was unhappy but able to make it through by keeping very busy.

Post # 7
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well, our relationship has always been long-distance, so my perspective is going to be a bit different.  But I do wonder why you need to emotionally shut down already, or maybe more accurately, why you’re deciding already that that’s what you’re going to do.  It seems unproductive to decide ahead of time that an LDR won’t work when (1) he hasn’t been accepted into the residency program yet and (2) he is a different guy than the one you were in the LDR with before.

From reading your post, both of you would really regret giving up the opportunities you have now (your job, his potential residency in Maine).  For my relationship with my FH, I think that frustration could be more harmful to our relationship than the fact of living apart would be. 

Would knowing that it’s for a fixed period of time, and that it’s the best for him, make it any easier for you? I would think that knowing that it WILL end, and when, would be a huge help. 

I do hear you, though, particularly on the travel.  I frequently think that FH and I are blessed from that perspective–NY to LA is a long flight, but there’s tons of flights, including plenty of non-stops, and the competition keeps prices down.

Post # 8
49 posts
  • Wedding: April 2011

My fiance and I were long distance – trans-Atlantic long distance! – for over five years, and it was really tough but ultimately the right decision for us. When we met, I was about to start my undergrad at a great university here and he was committed to a course back in the UK. We saw each other for one or two weeks at a time, about three times a year, for those years and yeah, I really hated it at times. For us, though, it was about prioritizing our long-term happiness – great education –> great jobs –> security and freedom – over the short-term. If I had turned down my opportunities here to follow him then, I would have resented him forever; he would have been consumed with guilt and the pressure to make me happy. It sounds like you would be in a similar situation. From my perspective, the three options you present boil down to:

1) long-term professional unhappiness and resentment for him

2) long-term professional unhappiness and resentment for you

3) short-term personal loneliness and unhappiness for you both with the potential of long-term personal and professional happiness for both parties

But that’s coming from someone who has always needed fulfillment in both the personal and professional aspects of her life. From the way you describe your “awesome life,” though, it sounds like you would have a really hard time sacrificing that – and you shouldn’t feel like you have to. Two and a half years isn’t forever (where were you two and a half years ago?), and at the end you would both have all of the things you want… 

I had a rough time with our long distance, but having come out the other side I can honestly say that it was the best decision for us as individuals and as a couple. Really, you’re the only ones who can decide what is right for your relationship, and I wish you all the best in making a difficult decision! 

Post # 9
2393 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Darling Husband and I were in an LDR because of your exact same situation.  We knew it was a certain amount of time until Darling Husband would be joining me in the city I live in, so there was no sense of me giving up my job (especially beings it pays well….in a sucky economy).  With that being said, we were in a LDR for 2 1/2 years and only saw eachother 8 times during that time frame.  LDRs can definitely be done and they can be done successfully and happily.  My Darling Husband and I are proof of that.  It just takes alot of work and alot of patience.  While I would say do everything you can to be with him, if you can’t it’s not the end of the world.  Darling Husband and I are 100% positive that what we had to go through the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship has made our marriage so incredibly strong.  Considering you are close to an airport and can see eachother, that is a huge bonus.  Yes, you’ll have to make financial sacrifices to see eachother, but it’s so worth it. 

Post # 10
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I couldn’t imagine willingly going into a LTR with my Fiance. I think it’s one thing if you meet while you are living a far ways away, or if one moves while you are more casually dating, but quite another to decide to pick up and move when you are engaged. I’m sorry to hear that you are in this tough situation. If I were you, I would honestly dig into the Main issue a little bit–why is that the only school that will make him happy? Nearly every large academic hospital has residency programs. What about Cleveland Clinic or Cincinnatti Children’s? Best of luck with your decision–I hope you can find something that works for both of you to be together.

Post # 11
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Wow! I’m sorry you even have to think of this. My brother and sister-in-law had to do the same thing (so it can happen, just not fun!) He lived in Chicago while she lived in Texas or various reasons. I believe the saw each other every 3 weeks or so. And used vacation time as well to make sure they saw each other. Skype is a great thing as well! I wish I knew more about it (you would have to ask her personally to get the real issues) but I know it all worked out and they are now able to live in the same house (again). Do note that they started out in a long distance relationship. Got married and lived together for like 8 years, then got into this situation (schooling and jobs)… and spent 1.5 years apart. I say this because they had a good 8 years under them before they were thrown back into the long distance thing!

Post # 12
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

We did 2+ years of LDR.  It had both benefits and drawbacks, but my training was a non-negotiable.  We’re glad we stuck to our guns because I now have my dream job.

That said, we weren’t married at the time, and I think tha would have made things much harder.

Post # 13
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If you don’t think you’re capable of handling an LDR to the point you’d “emotionally shut down”, you probably shouldn’t force yourself to have one. You have to have the mentality that you are strong enough to do it, and if you don’t have that, you won’t be able to do it. We were LDR for about 4 years and it has made us stronger in the end–it’s just something we had to do. Lesser of the evils I guess. I had to stay here for my job (quitting and moving to Georgia with ZERO options was not an option) and then when Darling Husband moved here, he had no job for about 5 months and then a very crappy paying job for the rest of the year. It sucked. Giving up my job would’ve been very stupid in hindsight. If you make a point to see each other once a month, it makes it much easier–we always sat down and planned our next trip. Gave me something to look forward to. And we knew it was temporary.

I moved away for a summer to live with Darling Husband….i had a crappy waitressing job and I was sad. yes i was with Darling Husband but he isn’t my whole life, you know? He can’t take the place of my family and my friends. He couldn’t be my everything. I was happier LDR, getting to see him occassionally, but being near friends, family, my house, etc, than being with him 100% of the time. It was really depressing to not have any of my friends nearby, especially because he had training until 6pm most nights. I had nothing going for ME, personally.

Has he told you that he’d resent you by moving to where you are? Or are you just assuming that YOU are the one who has to move? Have you talked to him about the options and what he thinks will be easiest on you two? Maybe he is not so dead set on Maine as you think he is.

Post # 14
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I had a pretty similar situation with my then Boyfriend or Best Friend when he went to law school.  I loved my job, it had great oppertunity, he moved to town that has no jobs and no oppertunities.  I decided that I would be resentful of him if I moved.  I realized I would be getting home at 5pm with no friends, no family in an awful town waiting for Fiance to get home at 9 or 10pm.  That was not the life for me.  I realized that we needed a few years to grow.  Doing the LDR was an easy decision for me though, I knew I didn’t want anyone else.  I knew I would make it work because he was it for me for and I didn’t want to date other people.  Its not easy but honestly every relationship has its challenges that you have to work together to get through and being apart is no different.  You do have to have the right mind set going into it though, you can’t go in thinking it won’t work. 

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