- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Well, my FMIL had a lot to say about why it could be a bad idea (we're having one of our friends marry us, and he's never done a wedding before). I think the main idea is if they don't have experience, they may not know how to handle pitfalls, and you might have more fumbles/awkwardness than with a pro. Also for us personally our friend is 23 so some older guests might not take him seriously.
In the end, I think it's worth to take the chance, but I would make sure your officiant is 100% committed to doing this and practicing a lot. I would be interested to hear more about potential downsides too, though.
@lazylazywoman: what a good topic! I'm interested to know if there are pitfalls too!
We are having a non-secular ceromony. I was raised Catholic yet my fiance had no religious affiliation. My brother will performing the ceremony. He has been ordained via the internet but has been mentored by an ordained minister in preparation for our wedding. Obviously we are non-traditional in this approach. But I am so excited to have my big brother, someone who knows us personally to conduct the ceremony. I think it makes it more personal and intimate. Some may find it weird or inappropriate but in 60 years when we look back on our wedding day, standing at the alter, I would much rather remember the words of my brother than a minister/priest/stranger.
And if there are flubs or fumbles, they are just more moments to remember your wedding by :)
Negative - you probably have to write your own ceremony :)
But, for us, this is far outweighed by how much more personal our ceremony will be.
Hmm....I would say that if something were to happen between the friend and you or the groom beforehand it could get ugly but if it is a good friend then this is probably not likely to happen. Or maybe they arent the best at public speaking and mess up a little bit. Honestly though who really cares about that?? Were having a friend officiate and I havent even thought about pitfalls!
We are having a friend perform our ceremony, but he is already an associate pastor of a church. He has not done any weddings, but is comfortable in front of crowds and publicly speaking. To avoid any issues, we are writing the entire ceremony for him and letting him read from a script.
The possibility of a "mistake" is less important to us than having a meaningful ceremony.
My G'ma is a minister of the Universal Life Church and we had her perform our ceremony. It was very personal and a lot of our guests thought it was a great idea. She was dressed like the minister and she even gave me a ceremony template for couples she has married.
She did stumble through one part at the exchanging of rings, she had me repeat "I take you as my wife" instead of husband but the entire crowd loved it.
I have to say that even with the ceremony details it was a little unorganized but no one including myself really minded. It all turned out well.
My FI performed both his sisters' weddings after being ordained online, and the only downfall was that he was really emotional the whole time. He said that being that close to his sisters while they went through this incredibly significant moment, and knowing what a huge part he played in it, was just a lot of emotion for him. He definitely cried straight through both ceremonies--tears pouring, nose running. He was embarrassed, but I'll be honest, I think everyone in attendance loved it all the more because it was so personal. And it reminded me of exactly why I'm marrying him--he has a beautiful, loving heart. His brother in law will be returning the favor and performing our ceremony, and we're very excited about it. Yes, you have to write your own ceremony, but that's the fun part!
My stepfather is a Methodist minister and performed our ceremony. It absolutely meant the world to me to have someone so special to me fill that role. There were so many priceless little moments that we wouldn't have had during the ceremony if we weren't close to our officiant. As pps have pointed it, your friend or family member won't have the experience of a professional, but I believe the benefits outweigh the potential errors. And even if you use a pro, there are still lots of chances for snafus - I've been to a wedding where a priest skipped over a section of the ceremony, which resulted in a soloist not performing a song, and a wedding where a minister forgot to tell the bride and groom to kiss. If you're prepared to relax and roll with whatever happens, it's definitely worth having someone you're close to perform the ceremony.
The biggest pitfall? It may not be legal--and you may not find that out until one of you dies or wants out of the marriage, and you don't have the rights you thought you had. See this New York Times story.
In some states, it is possible for anyone to be authorized to perform weddings for a day. If that is an option in your state, it may be a lot safer than an on-line ordination.
We are having one of our friends who has a master's in divinity and is an ordained minister marry us :) It will be his first wedding so we have told him what we want in terms of the order of the ceremony, etc. It will be so special to have it be personal and even if there are flubs during the ceremony, it will make it that much more memorable!!!
I am having one of my friends who just got ordained do it...my FI is not happy about it...he thinks people won't take it serious enough. I would rather have a friend do it than a justice of the peace from the courthouse do it. A friend can make it more special and personal than an outsider. We are having a summer wedding outdoors and I think our friend will add a touch of humor too.
I don't think it matters as long as you give them the direction you want the ceremony to go in.
My grandfather who has been a minister since, well, basically the beginning of time... is officiating for us. :) So not only is it neat because he's my grandfather, but he's also a 'trained professional' (lol). We're excited!!!
Bella
@2dBride: Point well taken, but I don't want brides whose friends are getting ordained to marry them to totally freak out. The best thing to do, what we did, and what my FI's sisters did when he performed their wedding, is to call whichever agency issues marriage licenses in your area, tell them your situation, and make sure you're good to go. In my county, the County Clerk issues marriage licenses, and they told me that they really don't look at all into the credentials of the person who performs the ceremony. Because I'm a worrier, I found the state law about the issuing and validation of marriage licenses, and it said something to the effect of: "The county clerk is not allowed to question the ordination of a minister that performs a ceremony." So we're good. The only rule is that your officiant has to be ordained, or another authorized person, and they can't question the ordination. Each bride just needs to do their due diligence, research the laws in their area, and they won't get "duped" as the article said.
Something to think about is that you want to make sure whoever officiates knows what to do. Depending on what you want, you'll get a better idea of timing, "oops" moments, how many readers are too many, how to explain traditions to guests, etc.
My fiancee and I discussed this, and decided that if we do use a friend, that we'd want someone that has performed weddings before. Since that didn't include any of our friends, we went and found a "professional" officiant.
Do check out the laws in your state! I performed my brother and sister-in-law's wedding in Massachusetts. We had to file with the Secretary of State's office for me to get a certificate of solemnization that was valid for one day for one ceremony. It was not an onerous process, especially since we started a bit in advance.
On the actual ceremony side, I have some suggestions on pros and cons/considerations and how to deal with them.
PRO: personalized ceremony; I asked my brother and sister in law to talk about what they wanted in a ceremony (secular/religious; time length; particular readings/music, etc.) Then we talked it over the three of us. I used Rabbi Devon Lerner's book on interfaith wedding ceremonies as guide.
PRO/CON: personal attachment: My brother is my best friend and I adore my SIL. Which meant that I was so excited. It also meant that at moments, I really had to work on my composure.
Consideration: How much time/effort will this person put into preparing your ceremony? I worked really hard on writing their ceremony. You want someone who will invest serious attention to your ceremony.
Consideration: Public speaking abilities. You want someone who can deliver a great speech.
Consideration: inside jokes; I admit it. I had one inside reference in the ceremony specifically for my brother. But it was also a quote that without knowing the joke, everyone else could appreciate on a different level.
BTW, being the officiant in their wedding was SOOOO much better than being a bridesmaid!
my brother had a family friend do their wedding. it was beautiful and personal. she's a cantor so she's used to being in front of a crowd, and she wrote the ceremony.
Wow, everyone, thanks for all the feedback! Keep them coming-- sounds like a lot of people are interested in this.
2d bride, I really appreciate your bringing up the legal issues-- that would be a pretty big drawback! Annoyingly, the state where my wedding will be is one of the four states that the article mentions (VA). Any VA brides have experience with this?
The only downfall I faced when marrying friends is that I tend to get emotional because I know them so well. I managed to hold it together but just barely! In one of the wedding videos, you can hear my voice crack as I "pronounce" the couple. I was really embarrassed but the couple (and most of the guests) said that it was touching. ::shrugs:: I guess it depends on how you feel about it.
On the upside, you can totally customize your ceremony which is the reason both of my couples asked me to do it. Just make sure you find out what the requirements are for registration because some states/counties make it much harder than others.
@lazylazywoman: maybe check out this link and call the offices mentioned.
http://www.virginia.org/site/features.asp?featureid=169
Also, ask if they offer the opportunity for someone to apply for a short-term justcie of the peace license or a certificate os solemnization, which is what I did in Massachusetts.
Cannot believe that article! Anyone else thought of going to the courthouse before the wedding if it's more on the unofficial side? I'm getting married in my hometown state which is not where I'm living but I'd like to have the legal benefits of marriage at the beginning of the summer (ie insurance).....anyone else done this?
@lazylazywoman, there is a procedure for someone to get a one-day license in Virginia to perform a wedding ceremony. However, it requires that they post a $500 bond. They get the $500 back after they do all the paperwork, but it's still an upfront cost that may be an issue.
Another thing to think about is having someone with the right religious qualifications do a secular ceremony. Unitarian ministers, for example, will typically do a ceremony for nonmembers, and without a lot of religious references. I have a friend who is a Wiccan priest, and she has performed completely secular ceremonies for people who are not Wiccans.
Or you could always get the paperwork out of the way with a JOP, and then have whatever ceremony and officiant you wanted after that.
2dBride, thanks for the info. Do you know if one has to be a Virginia resident to get one of those one-day passes? I don't live in VA, nor does my fiance nor my sister whom I was planning as the officiant. My parents do (as do my fiance's parents), for what it's worth, although not in the county where the wedding will take place (Loudon).
My back-up plan is the NoVA Ethical Society, which can do a legal, secular-sounding (but officially religious) wedding.
My fiance suggested the JoP option, but I'd rather have the actual ceremony be legally binding.
lazylazywoman, Unfortunately, a license as a marriage celebrant can only be issued to a resident of Vorgomoa/ Virginia Code § 20-25. The good news is, a person who resides anywhere in Virginia can get the authorization from his or her home Circuit Court, and then perform a marriage anywhere in Virginia. And the fact that you and your FI are not Virginia residents is not a problem.
Oh, boo, we really wanted someone who isn't a VA residents. Thanks for all your help.
ok so i think that this is not the norm, but i went to a coworker's wedding a few months ago and the officiant was the groom's uncle... it was very awkward especially for those that didn't get the sense of humor behind it! the officiant was joking around a lot, which granted its always nice to have a little chuckle to lighten the mood but it was like too much... like he was related to the groom so he thought it would be ok to do that i guess but i mean it was their wedding ceremony. at one point, just going to throw this out there, he brought up sex! don't remember the context but it was strange and all my fellow coworkers were looking at each other like... holy sh*t, did he really just say that?
I have a totally different "pitfall". A looooong time ago I told my uncle (who is a minister) that I wanted him to hold my wedding ceremony. He never forgot it, but over the years we've really grown apart. He has become very negative & is usually making fun of people behind their backs (including my FI)... however he STILL expects to hold my wedding. My Aunt said he wouldn't come if he can't hold it. I've had enough drama regarding my wedding over the last year, so I'm kind of at the point where I'm going to say "Fine. Don't come". lol
I think the nicest weddings I've been to have been held by close personal family & friends. I agree that really the only pitfall is that your have to write your own ceremony which can be time consuming. :)
I'm really debating having a friend officiate versus hiring an officiant. My FI would prefer to have a friend officiate because it would be more personal than hiring a stranger. But my family is more on the traditional side. They're ok with a secular ceremony but having a friend officiate is pushing things kinda far. I think hiring an officiant could also be beneficial because they would have the experience to direct things.
I'd love to hear anyone elses experience!
My cousin and I were just talking about this. She said they went with an officiant they did not previously know because they didn't want to be mad at a friend/family member if that person royally messed up the ceremony. I hadn't thought of that before, but it could be a valid concern if you tend to hold grudges. I'm debating this question myself right now and don't know which way I'll lean.
I became a pro officiant after a friend asked me to officiate at her wedding - I just loved it so much, and it's now my full time job. I think if you find the right person, and are clear about your expectations, it can be a great experience. But please don't think that you have to have a friend perform your ceremony to get a personal wedding - I know I often get asked if I am a close friend of the couple after the wedding, because my ceremonies feel so much like "them," even though I've only known them for a few months.
The pitfalls could be that your officiant isn't really proffesional, and may not be able to write or work with you to create your ceremony and offer their expertise. They may not quite be able to run a rehearsal for you, and, of course as already pointed out, there is the legality to worry about.
It's a really personal choice, of course, and I think it really depends on who you choose to do your ceremony, as well as being clear about what you are expecting.
I wrote a blog post about this in February, too, that might be helpful: http://www.eclectic-unions.com/2010/02/should-you-have-a-friend-officiate/
Our friend officiated, and it wound up being the very best wedding planning choice we made. She's a college professor and is very used to talking in front of large groups, so that obviously helped, even though it was her first wedding. But more importantly, she put us both completely at ease. Although she didn't tell personal stories or inside jokes, she still managed to make it feel incredibly personal. We had originally asked another acquaintance (a chaplain) to officiate, and she agreed but then never answered any emails or phone calls. So we asked our friend (with only a month's notice) and she was an incredibly good sport to agree. We were planning on writing the ceremony ourselves, but because of a family emergency 2 weeks before the wedding, she volunteered to write the entire thing. And she did a phenomenal job--it was a perfect ceremony for us. Considering the circumstances, having a close friend instead of a relative stranger marry us was fantastic. And even my relatively religious relatives laughed when she ended with "by the power vested in me by the internet . . . "
First, find out out if it even legal in your area to have a friend or relative as an officiant. Many states do not recognize it as legal. For those that do, most people who choose to have a friend as an officiant go with that choice because the friend knows them and it will change the feel of the ceremony. If the officiant is a random stranger picked out of a phonebook then it doesn't have the same intimate vibe.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Gemstone | 22 |
| Beckster329 | 22 |
| Rivendeler | 17 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 16 |
| Rojocameo | 16 |
| Mrs.KMM | 15 |
| KCKnd2 | 15 |
| beargoose | 13 |
| kat2014 | 13 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 13 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissPatience | 3 |
| keepsmiling19 | 2 |
| KCKnd2 | 2 |
| pengoala | 1 |
| Mrs.H2B | 1 |
| bookworm88 | 1 |
| danicalifornia | 1 |
| MsVoyageur | 1 |
| MadTownGirl | 1 |
| Beckster329 | 1 |
My fiance and I are inclined toward a secular wedding. We've looked into a few options that we'd be happy with, but we're also wondering about the idea of having a friend or family member perform the ceremony, through one of those ordaining services. I've read a lot of stories about people who went this route and found it to be especially meaningful. However, I'm wondering if there are any downsides. Would a more "professional" celebrant do a better job? Does running a wedding take any particular skill set, other than talking in front of a crowd? I'm very interested in your experiences!!