Weddingbee boards

This is going to sound rambly but I could really use an outside perspective on this, so here it goes.

I am considering not inviting my brother to my wedding.  I feel like the worst sister in the world, but there are good reasons not to.

He has been extremely manipulative in the past, to the point of being emotionally abusive.  He has even been physically abusive (though not for many years) and he acts out whenever he isn't the center of attention.  To add to the problem, he's on the very high-functioning end of the autism spectrum and doesn't really understand how to navigate a lot of social situations.  He doesn't understand that children aren't his peer group (he's 22) so he has no qualms about acting out in front of kids; he'll talk about suicide or the facts about "the birds and the bees" with children as young as 6 if he's not supervised (fortunately an adult was around and able to intervene when he attempted the second subject, but still).

He's been getting a lot better in the past few months about how he behaves and about not acting out when he wants attention.  He's gone to all of his adult education classes, he's in a program to get a job, and he's been taking his medication.  At the same time, I still don't trust him at this point.

My parents have never seen him as a threat and insist that I decide NOW to invite him.  I don't want them talking to him about the wedding because I don't want him to get excited just to be let down if he's not invited.  It would kill my parents if we don't invite him, but my FI and I are hosting a family event for two families coming together and that makes me responsible for my brother.  There will be children there, including my future husband's young siblings.  Neither of us want those kids exposed to my brother as he is now.

On the other hand, I'm afraid I'm judging my brother too harshly.  I've been doing this for so long it feels unreal to me and I have no idea what to do.  I don't trust myself to be fair to him.  I don't know how to deal with my parents or with the family members on the opposite spectrum who think he an NEVER be trusted ever again (I'm a believer in redemption if you earn it).  This is my baby brother.  It hurts to only see him as a threat and it's torturous to not even know if that feeling is warranted.  I don't know if postponing this decision is a good idea or if I should decide now, but now I would say "definitely not" and my mom can't take that right now because her dad just died so I can't even make this decision now.  I am thoroughly lost and I would appreciate any third-person perspective on this, because I'm so entrenched I can't possibly be objective right now.

@KatNYC2011: Thank you for the suggestion, it's really good but the problem is my parents won't supervise him.  My mom's philosophy is that he's only hurting himself and my dad just thinks of him as a perpetual teenager.  They don't really realize how he comes across and as a result, my cousins and my nephew and nieces never come to family events when my brother will be there.  Their parents know that my parents won't supervise my brother.  Two of my cousins had nightmares for months after he introduced them to the concept of suicide, and I don't blame their parents at all for keeping them home. 

I saw him last weekend and it was encouraging, until the very end.  When my father picked us up to go back from Confession (we're Catholic), my brother threw a hissy-fit that we weren't staying for Mass and that he would have to go the next morning instead or bus himself home.  As long as things go his way, he seems to be okay, but weddings tend to upset him.

I only read the OP's post. My brother is the exact same way. He will definetly is invited to our wedding. I would never shun him do to his disabilities. My fiance actually asked him to be an usher. He was very stressed and worried he would sit someone on the wrong side but really wanted to wear a tux. So he will wear his tux and maybe pass out programs? I think you not inviting your brother is more because you don't want to have him do something embarrassing. Hontestly you need to do some soul searching and decide if you are ashamed of him. I am not saying being related to someone with disabilities, especially someone like our brothers, is a cake walk but you have to treat him as you would want others to. You not inviting him is sending a message that it is okay to treat him differently. I hope I am not coming across to harsh.

@KatNYC2011:  Thank you, those are more good suggestions.  He doesn't really have friends who he can bring as a +1 right now, but he might by that point.  I don't actually trust my parents to supervise him, but if they believe that their supervision means he'll be able to go, not just to my wedding but to other events without alienating half of my family, that might motivate them to keep a closer eye on him.

@takemyhand:  I will definitely look into that!

@Au Jardin:  Sorry to hear that, glad you have a plan in place that is working for you.  I'm sure it'll work out!

@KatyElle:  It's not that he's austic that makes me want to not invite him.  It's that less than a year ago, he threatened to jump off a balcony in front of me and told hospital staff it was to teach me a lesson for not buying him cigarettes at 5 am when I had exams and that he knew it wasn't high enough to kill him, just to break his leg.  He looked up the symptoms of shizophrenia and pretended to have it so that he wouldnt be held accountable for his actions.  He did both of these things while understanding that it was wrong to do and that it would hurt people, and they're really only two of many things that he chose to do while knowing the full consequences that they would have on other people.  His aspergers is considered very mild; for years psychiatrists insisted that there was nothing going on except ADHD.

If he truly didn't understand much of the bad behavior, I'd have no trouble because there would be someone with him to make sure that no harm came to himself or other people.  It's the fact that he does understand that means he doesn't qualify for that kind of aid and my parents expect him to just choose to do the right thing.  My parents are part of the problem.  I know it hurts them that he's excluded, but they do things like hand infants to him without supervision after he has literally shaken a baby.

@mmsva:  Thank you, a place to go calm down is a good idea.  If I can find someone who will supervise him for the day, I will definitely invite him.

@lindsey k 16:  I'm not embarrassed of my brother at all.  It's going to be close family and friends on my side, everyone knows my brother.  As for FI's side, they pretty much hate me anyway and can suck a lemon if they have a problem with my brother being "weird."  I used to get beaten up defending my brother against the other kids, and we were best friends for years.  If I wasn't embarrassed of him as a 16-year-old girl who had trouble making her own friends because of how weird she was, there's no way I'm embarrassed now.  I do think it's reasonable to have reservations, as a parent, about someone who is violent being around their children.  If I have those reservations about my nieces and nephews and cousins (I fully support their parents not bringing their children into a situation where they could be hurt), how do I justify inviting children without their parents knowing the full situation or being in a position where they can get a sitter?  Plus I don't think my FI shouldn't have his siblings there so that I can have my brother there, it's his wedding too.

@KatyElle:  I know I didn't include some of the other things, and they're definitely not related to his aspergers.  The only issue with the aspergers as far as I can tell is that he doesn't understand that children can be hurt more than adults will be by his actions, and I know that the last thing in the world that he would ever want to do is harm a child.  That's where I feel bad about even considering this; if he could understand how children have been affected by his actions before, he would never in a million years consider acting out in front of them.  At the same time I don't want him to realize that or he'd feel really guilty.  My back-up plan is to take him, my parents, and FI's parents out to dinner to celebrate after the reception, but I'm having trouble thinking of a good compromise.  A half hour is a good compromise but I'm afraid that would make him feel worse or embarrass him.  If he absolutely 100% understood that his behavior is affected kids, I wouldn't invite him until a year had gone by without these things happening.  (Basically, he believes that it's okay if adults get hurt because they can deal with it but that it will go over the kids' heads.)

I really appreciate your perspective, thank you.  It's helping me be a little bit more level-headed when I plan out how to talk to my parents.  This whole situation has made me realize that I have a lot of anger with them when it comes to the way they dealt with my brother, and I intellectually know that they did the best they could and that they were in a really difficult situation but in hindsight I can see so many steps along the way where they could have actively done something to help him and they didn't.  Hindsight is 20/20, I know.

@creativeplannertobee:  That is a really good suggestion.  That's why I don't want to make this decision now, I do have a lot of time.  Unfortunately, there is absolutely no one in my family who wants to supervise him.  My aunts and uncles are wary of him because their children or grandchildren are the ones who had problems with his behavior in the past.  The same goes with family friends, and even my friends.  I will look into finding a service though, or talking to the people at his adult education center.  

@redheadem: I have tried that in the past.  I've gotten married before and at my first wedding we had that conversation with him.  My brother was even in my wedding party until the last minute when he didn't want to be, which was perfectly fine.  My aunt and uncle sort of kept an eye on him but then he kept trying to drink alcohol (he was underage and on medication that should not be combined with alcohol) and basically took everything we had highlighted as being inappropriate and did it.  That was four years ago so I could try again, it's just really hard to know whether he's going to do the same thing or not.  Luckily I have a lot of time before the wedding to spend time with him and see how he's doing, I just don't want my parents getting him excited about it in the meantime.