Ready for some family drama?
We saw both families for Christmas. Everyone was happy. We had sent out STDs, names my parents provided and my fiance’s mom provided. While I was visiting with his family after Christmas, his dad got upset about who was invited and wanted to invite eleven more over what they gave us. If we knew they needed 11 more, we would have cut more of our friends. Knowing how many people were invited to our wedding, they invited more than their fair share if we split it evenly, so we had given them a number like they requested. My fiance wasn’t around so I was in the middle of the battle, being asked if my second cousins were invited (nope), how many people my parents got (they are paying for the wedding), and telling us we did this in haste (I asked for the list in October, we had to call multiple times for it, basically begging for it. We sent the STDs out a couple days later than we wanted – we wanted them in time for Christmas). We have included them in everything. My mom has emailed his mom to talk about wedding plans. I sat with them an entire night discussing wedding plans and complimenting their opinions. My brother just got married, my parents invited the same number we gave my fiance’s family, and everyone was so happy. I cannot imagine anyone acting that way to my sister-in-law.
These are all the other (main) things that went wrong:
1. A day or two before Christmas, my fiance got a major guilt trip that he likes my family more than his since we are spending Christmas with mine, which his parents said they were fine with since we were going to visit them for FOUR days after Christmas. We also visited them a month before Christmas for an entire weekend just because. We see my family basically just as much and they live a half hour away as opposed to almost three. And additionally, I can hear her complaining to him now on the phone that we see my family so often (we truly don’t) and that I posted more pictures of Christmas with my family than his. I edited my family’s Christmas pictures at his house the first day we visited his family and posted the ones of my family plus the few we had taken of his family so far. I have tons more of his family now I just haven’t edited yet and posted. And more importantly, why on earth do Facebook pictures matter that much?! She’s saying that means I like my family more since I took more pictures of them. He was told he is going to grow distant from them and that it makes his sister sad. We have no idea where that came from since we see them and his sister has never expressed it.
2. His dad forced money on him since my fiance’s lab grant ran out and he lost his job. He kept saying we were fine (like five times) but he wrote the check and made him take it. My fiance finally accepted it after saying he would do remote work for his dad to make up for it. Then his mom told us she was upset that my fiance took the money and he has to pay them back as soon as possible – money he didn’t want. I sat there awkwardly. We didn’t ask for it.
3. The last day of the visit, my fiance was told by his mom all the things he did wrong that trip: apparently acting like he wasn’t excited to see them (he was a bit stressed about getting a new job at points, but it wasn’t directed at anyone and wasn’t inappropriate), accepting the check from his dad, and needing to drive to his grandmother’s to tell her that he isn’t inviting her six siblings and their significant others. The parents then decided we can invite two of the close siblings. Whatever, we did it. Now we get a call that the grandmother is crying that they can’t all come. Why wasn’t this addressed a month ago?! We already sent everything out and they chose to invite friends instead.
4. His mom’s back was hurting that morning, and she cried and told them no one will help her around the house, making us feel like we need to stay longer even though we had plans with a friend who was visiting. We cancelled them since we got home too late, and her flight already left.
5. The whole family had a huge blowout fight (you’re a psychopath bitch! stop playing the victim, etc.) while I stayed in another room. The fight was that the mom didn’t feel supported with her back problems and her car was making weird sounds. She didn’t want to go to work because of her back, but wouldn’t call in, and then got mad she wasn’t receiving sympathy (her words). My fiance finally shouted that everyone should shut up (the only thing he said), and now his mom told him he ruined the day and made everything worse. He was the only rational one! His parents were screaming, his sister was crying and screaming. Ah!
6. She told my fiance that she wanted to meet just with him and not me (they live almost three hours away) to discuss something when I am out of the country next week (side note: he would have to use my family’s car that stays with me now to drive there). Turns out she thinks that I’m not helping my fiance financially and that’s stressing him out. I’m in a full-time (over forty hours) a week accelerated master’s program and will make a comfortable income in less than a year. I babysit, housesit, and petsit. I’ve saved up money he doesn’t want to touch since it is invested. I’m buying us a car with part of that money. I’ve given him plenty money in the past and blew my remaining checking account money on his school applications. I’m paying off the rest of his undergrad loans when I get a job in September, plus his master’s, plus the four plus years of school he is starting in September. Now they are worried we are having relationship problems just since my fiance said that he was stressed about money. I hear them on the phone now and he’s explaining that we aren’t having relationship problems and that he does love me. He is now explaining that I tutor and TA to decrease my loan money. I don’t get how this is their business.
7. My fiance doesn’t really care about a videographer but we talked with one since my parents offered to pay for that too and I figured “why not?” His parents decided that meant he was unsure about the wedding. I can’t express how happy and lovely my fiance and I are together. We are the absolute best and have no issues beyond this. I hate that we need to prove that.
8. Some song came on the radio on our visit last month that is about date rape, and we started debating about that with his mom, sister, and her boyfriend. They were saying girls ask for it with short skirts and why would parents let their girls dress like that and boys sometimes can’t control themselves and basically every myth you can imagine. It then came up that my future SIL and I both had iffy situations. I talked with her about it, and now she thinks I was trying to compete with her since I brought up mine too (she talked about hers in front of everyone, and I said privately later that I’ve been there and it sucks). I know how to talk to people. What happened to her was she pushed a guy off her in high school who was trying to hook up with her. I guess since mine was a little more graphic that I was trying to compete. I told her I was sorry for what happened to her and comforted her after we all dispersed. She’s telling her mom I continued to harp about the song in private with her which wasn’t true even a little bit. I acted like I was trained and offered support. She hugged me, thanked me for everything, and then turned around and lied to her mom what our conversation was about. Whereas, my situation was not addressed at all, but I don’t need support since I’ve worked it out myself. I’m more upset that I tried to help in a genuine manner which she seemed to appreciate at the time (It wasn’t your fault, I’m here if you need to talk, etc etc), my situation was totally ignored, and now I’m in trouble for it for a blatant lie.
9. I told my parents (mistake). My mom is fed up with secretive stuff that has been going on for a while and all this wedding crap. My fiance called her to try to explain wedding list stuff and she blew up and said that his family is ruining her daughter’s wedding with some choice swear words (I’m guessing a glass of wine was involved). She told him to grow a spine and stand up for her daughter (again with swears, which is crazy, since I don’t even think I’ve heard her swear before). I should not tell her so much. I told her everything and now she is mad at their family and I don’t think that will go away.
This is a disaster. I want to cancel this wedding and elope. I feel like drama is being created for the sake of drama, like people are bored. This is supposed to be a happy time and we are so sad everything is falling apart. It’s really sad because I loved his parents like my own just recently. Any advice? Any similar situations? I really want to fix this and not make things so awkward in the future. I’m torn between rolling over to make things better but also not being a doormat. I know you aren’t technically getting both sides here, but I’m honestly not leaving anything out. My fiance and I have just been chilling here thinking things are great and all this secretive weird stuff is going on around us.