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Im so sorry that happened. I dont really have any advice but I think its weird for our parents generation to have there kids live together for years before getting married. My dad made a comment about it yesterday and my grandfather often does.
I cant wait to see your recap!
Hmm...if it's still bothering you, it may be worth bringing up. Did your Mom live your Dad prior to marriage? If she didn't, she may have truly thought that you were being dramatic and if you guys are on more of a friendship level than a mother-daughter level (especially since you're older now) she may not have thought about it.
She may also have been dealing with her own emotions. Is she opposed to others seeing her get emotional? I'm sure seeing her baby girl become a bride caused her SOME kind of emotion - perhaps the rolling of the eyes was her attempt to keep others from seeing it.
I think more of a background would be necessary before any real judgment call could be made, but you know your mother and how she handles things. If you do bring it up, just be frank and honest and see how it goes. Either way best of luck; I can totally understand it killing your mood right before walking down the aisle :( *hugs*
You are going to have to talk to her to get over how hurt you are. If you keep it bottled up it will turn into resentment towards her and that won't be a good thing. Get it off your chest and then move on and focus on all the positives of the day.
I would bring it up. I dont think I would be able to get over it without at least letting her know how much it bothered me if I was in your shoes. Tell her exactly what you said here- you were really surpised by the comment and by her attitude, and it hurt you/made you sad on what was otherwise the happiest day of your life. I don't think its unreasonable to ask her why she made the comment or where she was coming from. At worst, you will hopefully be able to release the feelings after you express them. At best, maybe she will explain what she meant, apologize, and you can both move on.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I am hoping she did not mean it in the way that you think she did.
I know it really hurt you and you have a right to be hurt, but if you've always ahd a good relationship with your mom... let it go. She is the only one you ever get and hurting the relationship because of one really stupid (and thoughtless) comment will in the end hurt you far more. Try to imagine that she just said it because SHE was trying not to get emotional at the thought of her daughter getting married and it just came out wrong.
You'll be a happier person once you forgive. And if you have kids, you will definitely know something NOT to say to them!
Good luck and be happy, you deserve it!
Congratulations Mrs. Monitajb!
I think it's worth bringing up again, if only to allow you to get some closure or resolution. Saying something may not persuade her that her reaction was hurtful or that she owes you an apology, but at least you'll have a chance to clear the air and express those feelings rather than bottling them up. In my experience, keeping this kind of thing to yourself usually leads to a massive blowup about some other, minor, unrelated thing later on down the line, and that's just confusing for everyone involved.
I'm sorry you had such a hurtful experience with your mom. I totally understand, as my mom has been saying unintentionally hurtful things to me during most of my engagement. The last time she did - I had it. It was so upsetting and I ended up talking to her (after the upset/angry feelings subsided a little) and it was a really helpful conversation. Because of that, I think you need to tell your mom how deeply she hurt you. I'm sure she won't realize how sour she was - and I bet an apology from her will mend the wounds.
I'm also bracing for this type of behavior from my mom... I wish so much she could be happy for me - instead of being a negative person - but I try to remind myself that she has her issues and I need to do my best not to let her issues ruin the moment.
Sounds like you made the most of it and I think since it still is bugging you - you need to have a heart to heart with her. Hope it goes as well as possible!
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry!
If this was a first time, one time thing and you both have such a great relationship, talk to her about it. I really think that will help. I'm so sorry that this happened on your wedding day and I hope the rest of the wedding and the honeymoon were amazing. HUGS!
I agree, you're going to have to bring it up to her. If it's still bothering you several weeks later, it's not going to just fade away.
If you're worried about it starting a fight, maybe you can bring it up in a way that's sort of non-confrontational. Like, instead of saying "Hey, you really pissed me off when you did that," you could say something like "I was just wondering what your reasoning behind that was." If you ask her why she said it instead of telling her off the bat how angry you are, she may respond better.
Of course, I don't know her, so I could be totally wrong. But I find that when someone says something obnoxious or hurtful to me, I get better traction by asking "Why would you say something like that?" isntead of showing how angry/hurt/whatever I am. It puts it on them and forces them to explain themselves instead of putting it on you to explain your feelings.
Congrats on your marriage!
I have a thought on this, as my Mom has been "kind of" like this my whole life. Whenever I broke up with someone, she would be mad at me for crying and tell me to stop. She told me never to get that attached to a boy or let him see you cry. At the time, I thought it was cold and mean. I thought she did not undestand my broken heart, that obviously she had no idea what it was like to have feelings.
Fast forward to today. Now that I am much older, I realize that the opposite is quite true. My Mom didn't want to see me cry, because she couldn't stand seeing me hurt. It hurt her.
Although the scenerios are quite different, I am wondering if, since you said you aren't usually the emotional type, if your mother was just taken aback and perhaps trying to hide her own emotions? Maybe what she said to you was not so much for your benefit but for hers, so she could keep HERSELF in check? This just sounds so much like something my mother would say, and now I know that she would say it to appear strong.
Not saying your Mom was right by any stretch, just wondering if this could be possible and would give you a different perspective.
I'm very sorry this happened to you and i feel your pain. My Mom made fun of me (complete with the eye-rolling) when I started to have a minor panic attack just before the ceremony, then made negative and rude comments to my in-laws during the family photos and complained about something every single time I saw her at the reception after that. I was hurt and also fuming angry about it for weeks. If it helps, those feelings fade a bit over time. I'll still never forgive my mother for acting that way and feel like I've set up a bit of a wall in my life that I'm never again going to allow her to pass, which is a shame. But I now focus on all the amazing things my wedding day also included and, over all, feel very positive about my wedding. Also, you really can't tell I was upset in most of the family photos--having a great photographer takes care of a lot!
Thanks all for the support and advice.
@Schatzie821: My gut is actually to let it go, for the reasons you outlined. In pretty much every way, I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful mom. Even if it made me feel a little better, at the end of the day I don't want to damage my relationship with her.
Which leads to @frugal_faye: That is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now (put up a wall, a little gun shy). My concern is whether pulling back from her for a while or confronting her will be worse.
@ everyone who mentioned good reasons for bringing it b ack up to her: I get it, and for myself, it is probably the best approach, but I honestly can't see the scenario in which she responds in a way that makes me feel better. Simply saying it probably will make me feel better, but I think it will also open me up to more hurtful comments that I may rather avoid.
@ all those who mentioned living together: Yep, my parents are conservative, didn't live together before marriage, and by all accounts waited until marriage to have sex. Soooo, big cultural difference.
My gut tells me that my mom reacted the way she did for two reasons: 1) she was stressed and does honestly feel as if the wedding was a little overboard for two people in our situation, and 2) she does not like other people to see her be emotional. I think menobride and oracle were on the money about emotion. That is a part of it.
Thanks all. I appreciate having this place to talk about my dissapointment.
This sometimes helps me.
Write a letter to her explaining how you felt at the time, how you feel now, etc. Get it all out there, don't worry about how it sounds or comes across. Then sit on the letter. Let your husband read it. Sit on it some more. Hopefully just putting all your emotion out of you and onto paper may help.
Then, if you still really want to let her know how you feel, modify the letter. Pick out the good parts that you want to make sure she hears/knows and then think about sending it to her.
I personally would not bring it up as a conversation or discussion. That only opens the door to the option of turning into an argument. State in the letter that this is just something you wrote to get it off your chest and you don't need any further action from her.
I don't have any advice that would be much better than what has already been offered up here, but I am so sorry you had to experience that on your wedding day. I agree that some people can be really weird about emotion. I also know that my mom can try to "put me in my place" when she thinks I'm being over the top about something, and it can be hurtful without her realizing it.
I'm glad your wedding day was beautiful nonetheless. Looking forward to your recaps!
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Hi Bees,
I'm back from my honeymoon. I'll have a big old recap when I get some photos back. The wedding and reception events were perfect. Hands down, perfect. I couldn't be happier, and hopefully I have some tips to share that will be helpful.
Here is the long part, could use help.
There was only one big problem with the wedding: my mom. Not the sort of thing you can plan for. The short of it is that seconds after I donned my dress, I started tearing up and exclaimed, "this is surprisingly emotional!" My BMs, mom, and female photographer are all standing around and everyone responds happily, but my mom is in the corner rolling her eyes and making a big sour face. I snapped, telling her this was a big deal, and she said "it isn't, you've only been living with him for several years."
Background: My mom and I have a great relationship, we are actually friends and talk almost everyday, though we live on opposite sides of the country, my parents like my husband, they are happy we got married, they paid for the wedding, and I never heard a peep of negativity about anything. So basically, she floored me. I'm not a super emotional person, and I'm not really a romantic, so I can understand if she was surprised that I was emotional. But the negative reaction was a shock.
After the incident with my mom, I was taking pictures and struggling not to cry. She really ruined those hours pre-ceremony for portraits. I'm sure there are a couple of good photos, but that was largely money down the drain. I ended up apologizing to her for snapping just to try to quell my emotions prior to the ceremony. From there on I was okay, and the ceremony and reception were a blast.
But I have to admit, almost two weeks later, I am still really hurt. I talked to her this morning to let her know we got back from the honeymoon safe, and it was tough. I maintained a chipper tone, but it was hard to deal with her. It's as if now everything she does is grating.
I honestly haven't really fought with my mom for over a decade. I'm not sure how to approach this. But I do know that confronting her would bring on a fight. She is not one to take another person's emotions seriously.
Basically, I could use some advice on whether to drop it and work towards forgiving her, or if I need to bring it back up. I'm happy to provide any additional details. Thanks in advance.