Post # 1
One of my bridesmaids has been a bit of a handful during the entire wedding process. She didn’t like the dress color, came late to the bridal shower, is not coming to hair appointments with the rest of the bridal party because she thinks she can find a place to do it cheaper, etc. She is constantly bringing up the cost of things and I have really done my best to keep the cost to a minimium (requested that the girls buy a dress (they had 7 to chose from) and attendthe bridal shower- shower paid for by family)
I have tried my best to remain calm and understanding but I am at my breaking point. I really do not wish to get into it with her prior to the wedding since it is so close, but I really want to let her know how difficult she has made this experience for me. Do I just let it go or say something after the wedding?
Post # 3
@californiabride2013: What do you want to acheive by talking to her? Keep that in mind when you are deciding. It’s hard to say since I don’t know a lot about your relationship.
I know if it was one of my BMs we would have talked sooner and I am sure there would be a reasonable explanation.
It might sound like she’s being annoying- is she always like that? If not then maybe she’s feeling a little sad that you’re getting married because she is sort of “losing” a friend to marriage or maybe she’s upset because she wishes she was married at this point. Or maybe she is having some financial difficulty that you don’t know about and it’s stressing her out. Those are just a few possibilities out of a million.
If you do talk to her, I would just say, “I noticed ___ and ___. Is anything going on? Are you alright?”
If you have the time I would talk with her right now rather than later. If not, then I would wait till after the wedding.
Post # 4
@californiabride2013: What is it that you hope to accomplish with this conversation?
Are you hoping that she will see the light, apologize and be a different person from now on? That’s not going to happen.
Are you hoping that she will be hurt and upset after the fact when it is too late to do anything about it (as far as your wedding is concerned)?
That’s going to happen. It may very well end your friendship. Is that what you want?
Post # 5
Have your wedding, and leave it alone. Not worth the fight!
Post # 6
I don’t think it’s something that needs to be discussed at all. What would it accomplish? If you don’t want to be friends anymore because of it that is one thing. But, once the wedding is over none of that stuff will really matter if you still want to remain friends.
Post # 7
@californiabride2013: It sounds like she has money problems and stress from other sources. If you want to have friends after your wedding, be gracious and give the girl a break.
Post # 8
@californiabride2013: as someone who has lived through the same thing, I say talk now. I sent you a PM!!
Post # 9
The complaints / issues you have sound very normal. Coming late to your party was likely an accident or out of her control, and as for you complaining about her desires to find a cheaper salon – really? You’re going to fault her for not wanting to spend more of her own money just to look nice at your event?
Let it go, really. It really doesn’t sound like she’s making this process difficult for you – it sounds like you’re stressed and for some reason focusing on her as the source of problems.
Post # 10
If it’s not worth discussing now, don’t bring it up in the future. Just let it go and enjoy your day!
Post # 11
I agree with everyone… let it go!
There is nothing to gain and everything (meaning your friendship) to lose.
Focus on the positive and enjoy your day!
Post # 12
@californiabride2013: I agree with the previous posters. Leave it be! Nothing good could possibly come out of the conversation! After the wedding is over, just be relieved that things can go back to normal between the two of you, and definitely make an effort to make sure things happen that way (arrange to get coffee together or whatever you two normally did before the wedding).
Post # 13
My problem is that I am so angry with her. She has made every step of the wedding difficult. It is so bad that my mother is even annoyed. Every step of this wedding has required a very long email/text exchange to either get her on board or to find a substitute idea that would work for her. Money is not the issue since she likes to brag that she has a ton of money. For me, I am not really sure if I can go back to the way things were because the last 11 months have been exhausting and fustrating.
Post # 14
I think sometimes when we’re stressed out, little things can seem really big and magnified out of proportion. It can happen to all of us, and sometimes we need to take a step back and analyze whether certain things are actually as bad as we feel they are in that moment.
Planning a wedding can be overwhelming at times, and little ‘issues’ like these can feel as though people aren’t supporting us when we need them. In reality, the people we get frustrated with may actually be there for us more than we’re giving them credit for…
Post # 15
@californiabride2013: I think you should talk to her, but not about her being a bad BM/friend. It sounds like most of her issues are budget related (execpt for the shower). So I would sit down and talk with her about her budget and what she can/wants to afford. That’s great that you gave your BMs a choice of 7 dresses, but did you privately ask each of your BMs their budgets? It could have been that those dresses were all out of her budget. And I don’t see the big deal about her wanting to get her hair down elsewhere for less. That doesn’t make her a bad BM, not in the slightest.
Remember, just because she can afford these things doesn’t mean she wants to or has to. I can afford a $300 BM dress, but that doesn’t mean I want to spend $300 on a dress for someone else’s wedding.
As far as the shower goes, did she apologize? If so, let it go! Being late to a shower isn’t the worst thing in the world. Shit happens, people are late. In the grand scheme of things it’d be pretty lame to break up with a friend because she was late to your bridal shower.
Based on what you’ve written, it sounds like the wedding stress is getting to you (totally normal BTW) and you are taking it out on your BM. Maybe a night off from the wedding would be a good thing for your sanity. Take a night to yourself: grab a glass of wine and take a loooong hot bubble bath. Or have a chill girls’ night.
Post # 16
@californiabride2013: I had a supervisor once who told me about the “two day rule.” The rule says that when someone does something that bothers/upsets/hurts you, you have two days to bring it up to the person and really talk it out, but after that, you need to try to let it go. It is supposed to keep people communicating about what is happening right then and there.
Since this is a wedding and not the workplace, however, I think the two day rule probably doesn’t apply in the same way, but maybe a version of it could be helpful. Like, if she has done one or two things recently that were very upsetting to you, you could talk to her about those things without bringing up ALL of the stuff she’s done over the course of your weddding. Maybe by focusing one two (maybe three) main issues, the two of you can talk about it and see what’s going on. It could be she’s worried about how your friendship will change once you are married, but she doens’t realize it and it’s coming out in other ways. I think talking it over is a good idea, but keep the conversation gentle, focused, and caring, as opposed to a list of things she’s done that have hurt you.