Post Wedding Guilt and Depression

posted 2 years ago in Recaps
Post # 2
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

Actually, IMO, the family feud has nothing to do with you.  The FIL offered to pay for the dinner and asked the MIL to contribute, she said no so that should be the end of it.  The FIL is the one who is being petty and demanding money for something that he offered to pay for in the first place.  That’s how I read that party anyways.  Also, families fight and there’s nothing you can do about that either.  Just because this whole thing started over something that was wedding-related (not the wedding) doesn’t mean that you’re to blame.  Just leave it be, not your problem.

As for your friends, firstly, they weren’t obligated to throw you any party nor even attend the bridal shower.  Shitty that they didn’t but it’s still not something to lose your head over.  Secondly, these girls probably weren’t spontaneously like this… you probably just didn’t notice because on any other day, you’d be at the beach with them having fun.  You’re upset because you wanted them to gush all over you and your wedding, which they didn’t so you’re upset with them over them being themselves.  As for the no food thing, you rented a house and didn’t go grocery shopping?  Any of you?  Come on, be adults here!

Sorry to be harsh but your wedding was a year ago and you’re still upset over little not-trivial things… you do need to get over it and enjoy being married to your husband!

Post # 4
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Based on your thread from two years ago, you actually did expect a fair amt from your bridesmaids, and felt that they failed you and wanted to “fire” them.  http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-fire-them/

Respectfully, don’t you have other things going on in your life that you can focus on?  Happy things?  It seems like not a good use of your energy to focus on negative things that happened 1-2 years ago.

Post # 5
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sure it stinks to have imagined a wonderful, happy wedding day and then to have it not go as you planned. I didn’t get the impression that you are being selfish and pouty because you didn’t have your dream day, though. It sounds like you are hurt that the people who are most important in your life weren’t there for you on one of the most important occasions in your life. They were too busy caught up in what THEY wanted to put their differences or their desires aside for a little while to be happy for you, with you.

There’s a big consensus on WB that bridesmaids aren’t obligated to do anything, and while I agree that you can never force people to do things or get bent out of shape when it logically doesn’t make sense for things to happen (i.e., BM can’t attend shower because she lives 8 hrs away, etc.), I do think we sometimes forget that these are our FRIENDS and you have to give and take in a friendship in order for it to make it work. While technically agreeing to stand up in someone else’s wedding is just that–standing up with them during the ceremony–I’m pretty sure most BMs have somewhat of a sense that they are supposed to “be there” for the bride on the wedding day and wedding weekend. To not fulfill that seems pretty selfish, and I can see why it hurt.

But… I agree with PP who said it’s time to move on and let bygones be bygones. There’s nothing you can really do except try to forgive these people (if you want to still be their friends), and honestly the situation with your family is NOT your fault. Try to find some peace in knowing that, and work with your husband on ways that you guys can navigate the tension… but just know that it does not have to do with you. Hope things get better for you!

Post # 6
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ashbash85:  Also, I wrote the above before you replied and it took WB 40 minutes to actually post it (the circle just kept spinning…)… so now it sounds like I repeated what you’d said… but basically I just had the same thoughts before you said them, about friendship and whatnot.

I see that the ongoing issue is probably more of a headache to you than what happened in the past, too. Family drama is the worst. Honestly, maybe you just need to avoid visiting for a bit to avoid all those competitive scenarios about who you’re spending more time with. If either side wants to see you, maybe THEY could come visit!

Post # 7
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ashbash85:  tough spot with the bridesmaids – mine really stepped up to the plate, but i didn’t expect anything and got so much awesomeness, so i’ll consider myself lucky on that one.

as far as the family sitch…just like elsa says…”LET IT GOOOO!” that’s the best advice i could give on this. the only thing that matters about your wedding day is that you married the man you love…let the rest of it go, and try to look back on that day as a day that you filled your life with love. i understand its tough…but you can’t hold onto that forever. enjoy your life…its too short to spend living in the past!

Post # 8
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You have nothing to be guilty about- your friends are bitches and your FIL is a demanding ass. None of it is your fault. Seperate the negativity from your joyous wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

Ashbash85:  After just reading your previous post from 2 years ago, I now can confirm that these girls weren’t spontaneously like this.  So why are you surprised that they didn’t do what they were supposed to and stand by you?  They weren’t even doing that in the beginning stages of your planning!  If it bothers you this much, talk to them about it even though it was almost 2 years ago now so there’s not much point.  It’s clear that you don’t see them as good friends any longer.

But as for the family stuff, talk to them about it and let them know that it’s getting to you.  Don’t pretend around them that they’re family feud isn’t bothering you because it obviously is.  It happened, you can’t take it back and neither can they… the only thing to do now is to talk about it, let them know that you are not going to put up with being in the middle of the aftermath any longer and move on from there!

Post # 10
Member
4596 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Having these feelings for a year seems a bit excessive. As a lot of people told me on my wedding day (which was just 3 weeks ago)… at the end of the day, you won’t be any less married!

It was super cold on my wedding day, and we did all of our stuff ourside (pics and ceremony), my now-SIL complained the WHOLE time we did pictures about how cold it was. Yes, it was cold, but she also got to sit in a warm car in between things whereas I was outside the entire time. It sucked, but it happened and we all survived.

Did I want to yell at her to get over it for the time that she was needed and stop complaining? Of course, but I didn’t. But again, nothing to super worry about and the day was here and gone before we knew it.

I just got our pics back, and she looks so tense from being cold that she doesn’t really look that great, whereas my sister and I look fine and not tense (but still just as cold!).

Post # 11
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I don’t understand why some bees get so judgmental about when a bride is let down by her bridesmaids. I completely understand why you’d be mad! It’s hurtful since these are the people who are supposed ot be your true friends and it always hurts when you realize that you’re just not that important to them. Just give it time, it still sucks but it is what it is, you can’t make them better friends.

With the family situation, just give it time as well. Family situations can be so sensitive and hard to deal with, I really don’t think there is too much you can do in this situation besides just keep trucking along. 

Post # 12
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

You and your wedding are definitely not at fault for what happened between your husband’s parents and family.

Unfortunately, as many bees can attest, lots of people bring out their worst behavior when weddings are happening; that seems to be the case here. Please, don’t blame yourself for behavior that was not yours and that you couldn’t possibly have controlled. Only time will tell how things work out, so try to remind yourself when you start to feel guilty that you are not responsible for the actions of adults, and that whatever trouble they started during and after the wedding is all on them. 

When it comes to your bridesmaids, I’m sorry they acted that way. I understand why you’re so hurt by their actions. It sounds to me like they showed their true colors. If you want to get past this, maybe the best thing to do is not be their friend anymore. I know that sounds harsh, but is it really worth it to be their friend when they acted the way they did? Is it worth it to stay friends with them when you’re so bothered by this that you’re depressed? In my opinion, it isn’t. 

Since your wedding experience was so unpleasant, I think you and your husband should elope, just like you really wanted to. Have the wedding you should have had. Renewing the vows or having a do over can really make a big difference in situations like this. Consider it; it could be exactly what you need. 

Post # 13
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Wow, sorry this happened to you. It sucks when families fight, but just try to think of it this way: If your wedding didn’t bring out the worst in them, there would eventually be something else down the line that would cause drama. Try not to blame yourself, because it shows how they are as people. It’s no ones fault but their own. They could have handled things a lot better but chose to be petty, so just try to remember the feeling of joy when you walked down that aisle and saw your hubby waiting for you. Try to remember that it is not your fault that any of that happened, and how people react in situations shows a lot about their character. 

As far as the bridesmaids, that is extremely selfish of them to not spend your day with you. If my BMs went to breakfast without me and spent the day of the wedding doing stuff other than helping me get ready/set up, I would be outraged. That’s the whole point of you asking them to be bridesmaids, so they can help you, and if they were going to complain about it or not help out, they should have said no when you asked. 

I know this is much easier said than done, but just try to remember the joy in that day and forget about all of the drama. It’s not your fault, it’s not your wedding’s fault. It’s the fault of the family/friends who were supposed to be there for you but bailed. 

Post # 14
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Any fighting between the ILS has nothing to do with you. Your FIL instigated drama with your MIL so you hold no responsibility for that. Moving forward, don’t let their family drama dictate your behavior–you and your husband visit whomever you want, for however long you want. It is no one’s business but yours how long you spend at each household. Your guilt is letting these people control you and make your life difficult. Let go of the guilt; they are adults and they alone are responsible for their actions.

Take this wedding experience as a lesson learned. From this point forward, stand up for yourself and recognize the things that you have no control over.

Post # 15
Member
6753 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

At my wedding my cousin got drunk and had to be removed by family members. It was a catalyst for a rift in my family that lasts to this day. I realize it was a problem waiting to happen and my wedding set it off- but 4 years later it still sucks. It is awful to have family drama associated with a wedding.

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