Post # 1
A few weeks ago, FI and I were driving back from visiting family and we were listening to NPR. There was an incredibly interesting program on about sperm, and there was a segment that really made us think. In short, it is possible (and has been done) to retrieve sperm from a man who is brain-dead so that his wife can try to conceive a child. In some cases, requests by women have been approved by hospital ethics boards when it was clear that the man wanted to have a child with his wife. The urologist interviewed said that usually the women decide not to use it, but the option provides comfort to them.
Here is the article in the NY Times.
Sorry to be a debbie downer, but it certainly is a thought-provoking topic and is relevant to newlyweds and soon to be newlyweds who will probably be rewriting wills and such. I’m interested to see what people think.
Post # 3
We actually discussed this and DH made a hand written note stating that it was both our wishes to have a child should anything happen to him.
Post # 4
That is actually really awesome. As painful as it may be & I know it would, I would definately do it. I’ll have to bring this to FI’s attention. Thanks for the post!
Post # 5
Not passing judgment, this is just my opinion, but it completely skeeves me out. I also dislike the idea of actually choosing for the child growing up without his/her father – it seems selfish.
Post # 6
Here in Michigan there was a case where a woman had her husband’s sperm frozen, and conceived after he passed away. It became a big deal because he had benefits, and the court had to decide if the children could receive those benefits or not because they were biologically his, but he was dead before they were conceived.
I should look up the holding in that case since I believe it was decided about a month or so ago… But I’m off to class soon so I don’t have time right now.
Post # 7
@MrsWrangler: +1. It’s one thing to have to shoulder the pain of losing a spouse, but it really does seem selfish to bring a child into the world who has to bear that pain too, just to provide myself some comfort. I could never do that to my child.
Post # 8
I know what my FI would say. “You BETTER do this! And make ’em triplets!”
(he’d say this with a giant grin of course). I think we’d both want to do this especially if we did not have any other children yet.
So, does he have to write down “give the lady my sperm… lots of it!” somewhere or something?
Post # 9
@Cornmuffin09: Not sure about Michigan, but here’s the Supreme Court case (facts arising in Florida) you were probably thinking about:
Post # 10
I think for a lot of people it would bring them some comfort, but I don’t think I could do it. If my SO died before making that decision to have children, I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. I’d probably spend the rest of my life looking at that child and seeing him in them and imaging a life that could have been.
So, no, while I think it’s a good option for some, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Post # 11
I don’t think it’s selfish. That assumes that having one parent is less than perfect. How many great kids have I seen come from happy one parent homes? The daughter of one of my mother’s clients is a single mom by choice. She went to a sperm bank and has two great sons. She’s happy, they’re happy.
It can be your opinion but saying that it’s a selfish decision is passing judgement. You’re not putting your child through trauma, you are having a child by the man you love. What that child should know is love.
Post # 12
I guess it would depend on the overall financial picture. I would imagine that kind of procedure is expensive, and IVF is super expensive….and then of course, there’s raising a child on just your own income (daycare, housing, bills, food, etc).
So….if we’d been well-off, and somehow DH had a life insurance policy of at least a mil, and I had a decent enough job. I mean, that’s a lot of ifs. But I don’t have a moral issue with it at all. Just a financial issue.
Post # 13
@mrsbruff2b: I said it seems selfish, but I would never tell a grieving woman what to do with her husband’s sperm, so maybe I meant I would never be outwardly judgmental about another’s life choices. Without knowing someone’s exact motives, calling someone selfish in black and white is impossible, but it’s always an option.
And yeah, I think that typically it’s ideal to have a 2-parent household, granted a lot of other things such as spousal happiness and lack of abuse (which is clearly not what we’re talking about given the woman’s attachment to her dying husband’s sperm). Single mothers often go through a lot of emotional issues given that their children have only one parent’s guidance even when that’s the best option! Again, opinion. I would imagine that being the child of a deceased father who was ingrained in your mother’s life (and therefore being an effort to hold onto his memory) is different than being the child of a sperm donor with no emotional connection. Glad your mother’s client’s daughter is doing great, though! There are success stories in every walk of life.
Post # 14
This is not something my husband or I would choose to do.
Post # 15
@misskittenn: I’d probably spend the rest of my life looking at that child and seeing him in them and imaging a life that could have been.
I agree with this exactly. I don’t think I could do it. I think it would hurt too much for this reason.
Post # 16
@MrsWrangler: The abilities of people from are different from all walks of life. Though there is no emotional connection to a sperm donor, there is nothing to say that a child without a father would grow up with any more/less trauma. I would understand that if you made the choice to do that you would feel selfish, but I would have to disagree with your judgement that others would be selfish for making this choice.