Post # 1
I ask that any readers bear in mind that this is my first post to any type of board. I sought out this forum to ask for advice from brides who might have been in my situation. So here goes.
My fiance and I got engaged on Christmas Eve 2010 after being together for 9 months. I was not expecting it because my finace still had three more years of school left. We are both older being that I am 36 and he is 40. He has a child and I have none. This was/is to be the first marriage for both.
I whole heartedly admit that I have jealousy/insecurity problems. It stems from past relationships and my fiance knows this. I have tried very hard to not be so jealous. My fiance calls me his diamond in the rough being that the jealousy issue is what keeps me from being perfect, so to speak, to him.
I have tried to be trusting and feel secure and not jealous but he does not make me feel it. I let him know that I do not like or appreciate it when he looks at other women in front of me. He tells me that he is a man and that is what men do. He tells me that if he was to cheat on me that there would be nothing that I could do to prevent it. He feels that if he wants to go out to eat with a female classmate then I should have no problem with it. I ask him how he would feel if I was to do that with a man he had never met and he said it would probably make him jealous. The thing is I would never do that and he knows it.
So, the postponment came about after I read some of his instant messaging facebook posts with some of his current classmates. I know it was wrong of me. He went to work and left his computer set on that page. I did not feel that some of the posts were appropriate. I told him what I had done and he said I went over the line. He tried to call me throughout the night and I did not answer. He sent me a text saying that he was not coming home that night. He said he had no reason to lock up his computer, that he has nothing to hide.
So I know that I shouldn’t have read his messages and I should have talked things through with him that night but I was not ready. My emotions were too wound up. He decided because of my actions that the wedding needed to be postponed.
Now, I feel numb. I feel no joy. He says that he wants to be with me and loves me and still wants to get married someday. Someday is the key word. That day will not come until he sees a change in me. He calls the shots on the date. Even then I still want nothing to do with planning it should we get that far. I put all of my hopes and dreams into this wedding that would have been in two weeks and I feel shattered. I feel almost robot like. I have signed us up for counseling and hope something positive comes of it. I am so distraught that I put my dress away in a closet, burned the remaining invitations, returned what decorations I could and am donating the rest. He tells me to hold on to them that we can use them later. He even asked me to post and see if anyone on craigslist would like to take over the venue on what would have been our wedding day so we would get most of the money back. Unbelievable.
So even though my story is long, what I relly need to know is if any of you have survived postponments and went on to marry your fiance?
Post # 3
@jmg2010: I haven’t had to deal with anything like this, but I wanted to chime in to send some ((HUGS)) your way.
FWIW, I don’t think he’s treating you fairly or how you should be treated. He isn’t respecting you or your feelings concerning your insecurities with him speaking to or looking at other women. He should be easing your mind about it, not telling you that if he cheated you couldn’t do anything about it.
Please consider spending a while away from him to clear your head and decide whether you want to marry a man that is willing to make you feel like this. From your post, it sounds like this isn’t something that is going to change any time soon.
Post # 4
@jmg2010: I don’t really know what to tell you right now. But my heart and prayers are with you. Keep your head up, lady!
Post # 5
Have you tried individual (and possibly couples) counseling to help with your insecurities? If not, I’d highly recommend it. I will be difficult to have a good relationship with him or anyone else when you can’t fully trust your partner.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2012 - Padua Hills Theater
I am so sorry to hear your story. I don’t have any advice or experiance in the postponment department, all I want to say is that it sounds to me like your fiance needs to make some changes as well. I have always considered myslef a pretty jealous person. My last bf would say things like I can do what I want and go out with friends who are girls who have a crush on me if I want because they are just my friends. Well once he left his phone at my house and I saw that he had been texting with this girl and they were very naughty texts. Needless to say we eventulally broke up. Even thought my ex was not trust worthy I still thought it was my problem that I was jealous. When I started dating my Fiance I was worried I would be to jealous and drive him away, but I don’t get jealous with him. He can go hang out with who ever he wants because we have always had the trust that was missing in my last relastionship.
I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s not your fault. It’s not just your problem. Having your SO say I can do what I want and “he is a man and that is what men do” and if he cheated you could do nothing about it? That’s messed up. I think counsling is the way to go to move forward. Once again. SO sorry this has happend weeks before your wedding
Post # 7
I see a lot of red flags here with this man. He is not respecting you, period. Also very controlling.
I am sorry you are going through this….
Post # 8
I agree with the PP’s… red flags, councilling… all great suggestions. I know there are a few bees on here who have postponed, but not sure what happened to all of them.
I wish you the best. Personally, if my Fiance was doing things that were okay for him but not for me (as you said, with eating lunch with a classmate of the opposite sex), I would be jealous too! I hope he learns to treat you as an equal.
Post # 9
@jmg2010: I know this is very blunt and it might sound harsh, but if he really is serious about postponing the wedding 2 weeks in advance over this he was probably dying for an excuse. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but this was supposed to be his first marriage at age 40-that’s probably not a coincidence.
You need couples counseling for this relationship to work—both of you need to work on you communication skills for this to work.
Should you have spyed on his messages? Eh, as his soon to be wife I think you have the right. I may be the minority in this opinion but many people would have saved themselves years of heartbreak and legal fees if they had snooped a little before taking the big plunge! If you were just dating I would say you were wrong–but marriage should be an open book, as long as it doesn’t cross the line into overbearing and controlling
Post # 10
I am so sorry. I can understand why he initially was upset but definitely also why you were upset. But I feel the way he is controlling you by postponing the wedding is going too far. It sounds as though the whole situation could be been handled in a couple of days. I agree with @sylvia.riggle: above, do you think he could have been looking for an excuse to postpone?
Post # 11
I’d take a break from him and go to counselling for myself for the insecurities issues, if he wants to go with you, that’s a bonus!
Postponing the wedding is a good thing at this point, neither of you is ready to commit, and the insecurities could escalate once married, driving him further away from you.