Post # 1
Well, I’ve never been one to post all of my business out over the interent but I guess I need advice.
First, a little background on my fiance and I: we have been together on and off again for about five years. We met when I was 18 and he was 19 and were pretty much inseperable from the start. We have broken up about 3 times for various reasons. The last break up was back in November 2011. We had been living together for nearly two years and he didn’t want to get married so I decided to move out and move on. I began dating somone casually and he found out, so in January he begged me to get back with him and he bought an engagement ring. Needless to say we got back together. We were both so happy and on top of the world and were estatic that we were finally making it work. We even went to couples counseling. We bought a house and moved back in togehter in February. In March he officially proposed and we started planning our wedding. We set a date for September 1, 2012.
Next, to the here and now: I have been in a bit of a financial mess due to student loans and stupid purchases from when I was a bit yonger. A few months ago, I started spending too much and getting carless with my money (about four grand). I was not honest with my fiance about my spending and pretty much lied to him when he asked me direct questions about it. Needless to say he found out how much I had spent and that I had been lying to him. Sometimes, he can loose his temper and has some anger issues. If I don’t do exactly what he wants, he can get pretty testy. Honestly, I know I have a problem with my fiances, I didn’t want to lie to him. He found out on Tuesday and now the wedding is postponed. We had less than a month to go. He didn’t break up with me and didn’t call off the engagement just said he wants to push the date back. He said right now he can’t trust me and he can’t go through with a big wedding right now.
Now, what do we do? I have about eight grand of debt before this wedding adds to it. I could have been out of that in a few months. My parents were gracious enough to pay for our wedding. They have probably put about eighteen grand into it. His parents have put about four or five grand. He said he is paying his parents back. I have come up with a plan to pay mine back, although it will take a few years. I am completely embarrassed and mortified. We had already opened most, if not all, of our gifts and started using them. What is the protocol for that? I read that we need to send out something letting our guests know that it has been postponed. We invited about four hundred people and so far about one hundred and seventy people has RSVP yes. I have four bridesmaids, two of which were traveling from out of state to be here. I feel like I need to reimburse them for their attire and travel arragements. Where do I go from here? I don’t even want to leave my bedroom and face people. We haven’t told my parents yet. We are telling them tomorrow. His mom has been very supportive and has helped. I just don’t know how to pick myself up from here.
I know eventually, once I get all of this paid off, I will feel better about myself. But right now, I feel awful.
Post # 3
Oh my goodness, girl. I wish I had some advice, but I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you…. *hugs*
Post # 4
If it was me I would se a financial counsellor and get my finances in order and work on the lying. I would be honest with anyone that needs reimbursing. tell them the truth about why the wedding has been postponed and that you want to reimburse them but it may take a little bit of time. And then I would work on paying them back asap.
I would also work on earning my partners trust back but I would also be realistic that it might never happen. Once lost trust is a very hard thing to regain. I would probably suggest going to counselling to my partner to work on rebuilding the trust in the relationship.
Good luck and I hope you get your life back on track.
Post # 5
Oh, I can’t imagine how hard this is! I think you’re taking the right step by acknowledging that you’re got serious troubles with your finances, and the dishonesty with your partner. You might consider reading some of Dave Ramsey’s articles (or get his books from the library) – he has great steps for getting yourself out of debt and living within your means. Good luck to you!
Post # 6
I’m sorry this has happened. Do tell people that the wedding has been postponed, but I don’t feel that you owe them any explanation why.
Yes, you lied…that was stupid, but everyone does stupid things now and again.
What worries me most is where you wrote “If I don’t do exactly what he wants, he can get pretty testy” .
Sit back and let me tell you a story about a good friend of mine (really, a friend, not me):
When she was in high school, she met a guy who seemed like the greatest. They dated through their first few years of college, then got married. He could get aggravated at the smallest little things (her not having dinner done quick enough, forgetting to do something he had asked, etc.), but she was deadset on marrying him.
So she did….a year went by and things gradually just got worse and worse…he began to grow more possesive, more irritable, and just unpleasant to live with. She had to go to a school function for her job and he followed her and accused her of going out to meet men. When they got home that night he pinned her against a door and yelled at her.
That was the night she left. Over the next few months, he stalked her, followed her friends, and made harassing phone calls. It was a long messy divorce.
I tell you that saga to warn you of one thing…PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE AFTER MARRIAGE. You made a mistake, but losing your temper and dealing with someone with anger issues for the rest of your life should not be your punishment.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry you’re going through this – this sounds like an awful situation to be in! *hugs*
I agree with the bees and think you should start by considering how you can fix your financial mess. Get some professional help and draw up a budget plan; cut up your credit cards; work on a plan for your household expenses and how you might be able to slash a few costs; after doing all this, then think about the wedding. There is a lot invested it seems in this wedding – do you think you will be getting married at a later point or is your FI in a zone where he needs space and isn’t responding to this qu?
And don’t beat yourself up about lying – yes, acknowledge it of course and know you made a mistake, but everyone makes mistakes and the fact that you’ve owned up to it says a lot. Take each step one at a time and you’ll get there.
Post # 8
It bothers me that he wanted you back, based on your phrasing, only after you were with someone new. Also, that, as soon as he said he had a ring, “of course” you said yes. And then you lied to him. And you guys keep breaking up. And this all is with counseling. It shouldn’t have to be this had.
As for postponing- are you setting a date to postpone to? If you are postponing until March or next summer, keep the gifts but send notes to guests. People who could come before may have other obligations at the new date and people who couldn’t make September might have more availability next year. All of the 400 invited guests need a note. If this is postponing and not canceling, the bridesmaids can use their dresses for the later wedding date. Tell them ASAP. Flights with some airlines, if canceled, can be used within X months- kind of like a store credit.
Also, is it too late to scale back some aspects of the wedding so that, of you guys get married next year, you have less debt? It’s worrying that you have debt and you’re borrowing money from parents but you invited 400 people.
No brainer, but don’t open any more wedding gifts.
Post # 9
Wow, this sucks.
Well, first of all, I understand why he was upset. Finances are the biggest cause divorce, so lying to him about money wasn’t a good idea. You have obviously grown up in your spending habits and have a plan now, so kudos on that.
But for the issue at hand:
– Call your vendors and explain that the wedding has been postponed. Ask if you can transfer your deposits, or any portion of your already committed funds, to another date in the future.
– Since you’ve begun using the gifts, you can’t return them. You should write a note to each guest explaining that the wedding has been postponed. Perhaps you’d like to make a donation to a charity in the name of each guest who gave you a gift, and you can include that in the note.
– You should reimburse your BMs who probably had a sizeable financial commitment to being in your wedding, as well as travel expenses. It’s unfair to make them shoudler that burden if they aren’t going to be in the wedding at all.
– Tell your parents. Tell them you are going to reimburse them for the expenses they paid already and that when the wedding is back on, you do not expect them to give you all that money.
– Tell your guests. You have a large guest list, so this is more difficult. But you can’t let them hear through word of mouth, especially since they’ve already gotten invitations, and made arrangements for the day, since it’s only a month out.
Good luck! It may seem tough now, but once you work all of this out, there may be a silver lining after all.
Post # 10
I see I’m not the only one who read the original post and noticed all the red flags…
The big thing first: You two broke up repeatedly for a reason and he only took you back because he was jealous that you were with someone else. This doesn’t sound like the kind of foundation on which you’d build a healthy marriage. And you say he has a temper if you don’t do exactly what he wants? Does he make you happy or are you just with him because you’re afraid of being alone? I admit I don’t know your situation other than what you’ve posted, but what you’ve chosen to tell us about him is significant and frankly, I have a hard time envisioning anything but heartache for you if you stay with this man. It doesn’t sound like he treats you well.
On the lying… you already know you did wrong. Nothing more to say there. It sounds like you’re on the right path to solving your financial problems.
In regards to the gifts, the best thing to do might be to contact the people you’ve received gifts from and explain that the wedding is postponed (or possibly canceled- consider it!) and if you have not opened the gift, ask if they would like it returned. If you have opened it and used it, ask them if they would like to be paid back for it. Yes, it’s one more financial burden for you to bear, but it is the right thing to do. I would imagine at least a few people will tell you to keep the gift anyway and not worry about paying them back and they will appreciate that you took the time to phone them and ask.
Yes, it will be embarrassing to tell people that the wedding is off, but you don’t need to tell them why. I can’t imagine that anyone who truly cares about you will be angry about it. I think everyone knows that calling off a wedding is a big deal and often a very sad thing and you might find everyone is more supportive than you expect.
Post # 11
Why was your wedding so expensive in the first place if you guys can’t afford it? Wedding gifts should never be opened until after the wedding, you can’t send them back, but if u too do get married at a later date just hold onto them and re-invite your guests but stipulate on the invitations that you kept the original wedding gift and a thank you note should be included each invitation.
If everything is paid for, why postpone? Do you guys want to get married or is the seed of doubt in your heads?
Post # 12
I’m sorry but I think it is really unfair for people to rag on your fiance. If a woman was on here with the same story, we would tell her to leave him-you lied to him, and the things you hid from him will seriously affect him in the future. You own a house together-your finances and credit etc are all his business now because it directly affects him. He has every right to want to postpone given the circumstances.
You say he “found out”, which to me sounds like he discovered something-not that you decided to be honest and tell him. If I found out that my FI was lying to me about money and didn’t even have the courage to be honest with me, and instead I had to find out some other way that would give me significant reason to question our relationship. If you can’t be honest with one another and rely on each other than you are not ready to be married.
Having to postpone is going to be embarassing, but based on what you’ve said it does not sound like you two are ready for this step, and postponing is probably a very good idea right now.
Post # 13
I’m sorry this is going on 🙁 I really think you need to return all the unopened gifts and pay back the people for the opened ones WITHOUT asking them if they want to be paid back. No one is going to say they want their gift/money back, but you really need to do that.