- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
Hey Ladies –
So this is my first post but I feel like I know a lot of you very well already because I have spent months doing research on this site about everything from alternative ring stones to ring sizes per age and location… Clearly, I was looking for a ring! So I guess I better start from the beginning.
Jay (fiance) and I have been together a long time now, most of it has been long distance due to the Marine Corps for him and education for me, and we’ve done a great job staying in love dispite the distance. About a year ago we started talking about engagement. It came up often and always in a positive manner so I started looking in to rings within our budget… He’s a police officer and I’m a full time student so we aren’t exactly rolling in dough. I picked out a few on Etsy and slowly but surely they all sold, then I picked out another one or two and they sold, and again, and again. It eventually just wore me out. I stopped looking at rings but was still under the impression that he was saving for the right one and that’s why every ring I picked out sold before he got to it. I thought he was waiting for the right one. He’s also fairly traditional, so I guessed that he was going to pick out his own based on the various smaller-center-stone-halo rings I had suggested several times.
Jump forward about nine months to my mother’s wedding. Jay lives in Maryland and I was there visiting for the majority of my summer break so we flew to Albuquerque, NM where my mom was getting married (All went well there, I love her new husband). After the wedding, we flew from NM to CO, where I go to school, so Jay could help me move out of one apartment and into a new one. He was a champ the whole weekend. He was the most popular guest at my mom’s wedding, he was helpful in CO… I couldn’t have asked for more from him. So we arrive at Denver airport to go back to MD, and we’re about an hour early when we get through to security and walk to our gate so we start walking through the little shops and kiosks. Now, we’re walking back to our gate when he spots a “Fire CZ” kiosk and suggests I try rings on. So I did. Look, I was just trying not to be rude. I had a promise ring when I first left him in MD to go to school in CO that was CZ. It clouded up and fell apart in like 6 months, max. While we’re standing there, trying on a multitude of very pretty (but very cheap) rings, he says “Do you like this one?,” picking up a ring that looked very much like every ring I had sent him months prior. He then asked the saleswoman (!) a few questions about the quality of the CZ then, satisfied with her answers, got down on one knee. I was HORRIFIED and repeatedly said “No” in a mostly joking voice then asked him repeatedly to “Please, stand up!” I then scurried off to the bathroom to a) laugh and b) cry. I was so embarassed. I understand it was a very, very cute idea but after all the rings I tried to suggest, all the time I spent looking into various types of stones, and the fact that my previous CZ ring fell apart (which he did know about because he got mad when I stopped wearing it), I was just overwhelmed. So I came out of the bathroom, got a text from him that he, too, needed to use the restroom (I knew I had embarrassed him so I figured he’d need a minute), and asked the girl if he had bought the ring. She said “No.” I breathed. Now, the whole flight home was awkward; he was awkward at baggage claim; he was awkward when we were picked up from the airport; he was awkward all the way through till the next morning when it was MY turn to be awkward. I woke up to the CZ ring on my left ring finger. I said “Yes.” despite knowing I wouldn’t be happy with the ring, I had waited so long for him to propose that I figured I would just rock it till the wheels fell off (a couple months, like the last CZ ring) and this was just him being spontaneous. WRONG. It took exactly 2 months for that stupid ring to fling every other halo stone and cloud over. When I told him, he was furious. He had bought in to the salewoman’s pitch and thought this was going to last a year. A YEAR!? “Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result” (Thanks, Einstein) – my, now fiance, is insane.
Rewind, remember I’m still working on the assumption (I should have remembered what my 6th grade science teacher said about assuming… It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”) that he had been saving and had been waiting for the “right” ring. NOPE. When the wheels fell off the CZ e-ring he got pissed because he thought he had “at least a year, if not longer” to save for my forever ring. Excuse me? I know I should be grateful but that’s just insane.
So, I bragged to all my close girlfriends and told my dad but was less than anxious to flaunt my ring (bet you could have guessed that) when he first proposed. I acted as proud of it as I could even though I was really hurt. (I know it’s just a material symbol of something so much greater but, at least to me, our love was a whole lot more precious than some quarter-machine-worthy-CZ.) Upon bragging to our closest girlfriend (her boyfriend is Jay’s best friend and she’s been a close friend of mine since high school… Hello, Small Town America!) she was sad because Jay had this whole ellaborate proposal idea that she was supposed to help with and all of our friends were supposed to be there. Of course, I asked him what happened to that idea – his response? “I was afraid you’d say ‘no’ and I’d be embarrassed.” Thanks for the vote of confidence! So now, I’ve got a POS ring, a cute-ish (and way less awesome) proposal, and I’ve learned that my fiance had so little confidence in my answer he chose to essentially “tear it off like a bandaid” and make it as quick and painless as possible. Hold. The. Phone.
So it’s been about a month since the stones fell out of the CZ e-ring and I bought myself a 1.5mm silver band to wear until he buys one of the now 5 moissanite rings I’ve picked out. Remember that “saving” assumption? Yeah, he hasn’t saved a dime in the last month. OH! And when I asked his opinion of all the rings and stones and various options, he had nothing to contribute until this weekend when I asked what his problem was and his response was something along the lines of “I don’t know, this is just a lot to take in. It’s a really big step.” EXCUSE ME!? He had so little confidence in me that he “proposed” with a cheap ring in the middle of the night so if I said “no,” he could save face and wouldn’t be out much. Now the financial commitment is a “big step.” I have so little confidence in his proposal now that I know the ring is the big step and the proposal wasn’t. Last night, I let him have it. I tore in to him about how all the aspects of this half-assed proposal make me feel like he did it because he thought he had to, or because all of our friends wer doing it, or because we had been talking about it and he found a cheap route to get it over with, OR to shut me up (the most likely and most painful possible reason). In tearing him up last night, I postponed this proposal. He’s always been a great boyfriend so until he’s ready to be a great fiance, and have confidence in my answser and us as a couple, I don’t want a ring from him. I just want someone to tell me i’m not crazy. That the way he went about this was wrong and I have a right to feel a bit cheated… That maybe this will stop hurting. I just feel kind of lost.