Post # 1
This is my first post here on WeddingBee. I needed some advice because I am having a really hard getting back into the wedding planning mode after my brother passed. My wedding was set for Sept. 20, 2013. We pretty much had everything set for that day. On August 1st my brother was admitted into hospice care. We were told he had two weeks but he left us on August 10th. He was only 17 years old. My fiance and I announced we were postponing the wedding as soon as he was admitted in hospice because I knew I couldn’t go through with it so soon after. We have set our new wedding date for February. The hard part is everyone is still grieving tremendously for my brother. Just bringing up the wedding feels wrong. I don’t know how to start the wedding planning again when everyone is so sad. I am also trying to think of ways of honoring my brother during the wedding and I can’t even look at any posts or pictures online because I cry uncontrollably. I don’t want to cry the whole time at my wedding but I also can’t go without mentioning him because he was such a special person in my life. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you all for reading this.
Post # 3
I can’t even imagine what you are going through. This is such a personal decsion. 17 is way too young. Maybe you just need more time. That isn’t a bad thing.
Post # 4
I don’t think it would be a bad idea to postpone it again, especially if you don’t have vendors booked for that day yet. A friend of mine had to get married 3 days after the mother of the groom was involved in a car accident that left her in a coma from which she eventually died. If they could have put off the wedding, I think they probably would have, but that wasn’t really a viable option for them. Your wedding should be what you want it to be, and you have plenty of time to get married. Do what you think you will be most comfortable with.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry for your loss.
In terms of commemorating him during the wedding it might be best to do something subtle. I’ve heard people doing reading for passed loved ones, and while I think it’s sweet I know that I would just not be able to do so without breaking down in tears. So, what we did for our wedding was just adding a line to our ceremony programs:
It’s a little hard to read, but it says, “We remember… Regretfully, some of our loved ones are no longer with us. You are here in our hearts, now and forever”.
The day after the wedding I took my wedding bouquet to my grandpa’s grave. I had originally planned to do this right after the ceremony, but grandma asked me to postpone it one day as she said that he wouldn’t have wanted me to cry of sadness on my wedding day. I’m so glad I went there with it, it made me feel like he was sharing the day with me a little.
Post # 6
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I will pray for you and your family to be comforted during this time. Second, like a PP said, maybe postponing it out a little further is a good idea? At the wedding, my suggestion would be to have a seat with a rose on it in his honor. If you’re doing bulletins, you could also put a loving statement to him on the back. We did that for DH’s dad. I think that would honor your brother without making people cry too much.
Again, my heart is truly saddened for you and I am praying for you right now.
Post # 7
Thank you ladies for your kind words. I wish that I could postpone the wedding further but we have paid most of the vendors and the deposits were nonrefundable. We were lucky that none of them charged any fees to actually move the date to February on such short notice. We also had to pick a date within 6 months of our original date at the ballroom. We pushed it as far back as we could. My family really wants us to go through with the wedding but I know we are all hurting so much. Everyone keeps saying my brother would want to see me happy on that day but it seems near impossible with him not there. My brother had cerebral palsy and he was never able to talk or see us so I find comfort in thinking he will be able to see me in my dress on that day. Even typing this out breaks my heart. I don’t knopw how I will get through the day without breaking down.
Post # 8
@danisalci13: I am so incredibly sorry for your loss for you and all your loved ones. I also lost my brother when he was only 17 and no far too well the pain of losing someone so young. As to remembering your brother on your wedding day, I’ve come up with some ideas that I will be doing on mine.
I WAS going to do a flower on a seat, but then decided against it, as I think it would be extremely difficult to look at the empty seat all night (personal preference). So what I’m doing is having a charm made with my favorite picture of him and attaching it to my bouquet, having an extra boutenierre made (since he would’ve definitely been a part of our wedding party) and taking it to his grave (haven’t figured out timing for that) and for the reception I WAS going to play our song, but then decided against that too because I have a hard time listening to it as it is. We’re doing a s’mores bar and my brothers favorite candy/chocolate was Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, so we’re using it as one of options for the guests.
For my best friends wedding, she had white roses and during their ceremony they honored their loved ones who were no longer with them and passed the roses to their wives/mothers.
This is is a difficult time for you and I can only imagine how heart breaking it is to try and plan your wedding now. If you need anything or just to talk, feel free to private message me.
Post # 9
@danisalci13: I have no advice for you about the wedding, but I wanted to extend my sympathies to you about the loss of your brother. My younger brother died suddenly this past weekend and the grief is just awful. Do whatever feels right for you and know that your friends and family will understand. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Post # 10
First off, my deepest condolences to you and your family. I cant even imagine what pain you are all going through. I had a close friend lose her mother to a heart attack 2 months before her wedding. It was so heartbreaking for her but they still got married. They had a seat with a framed photo of her mother and after the ceremony they released doves in her mothers memory. The reception was bitter sweet, they laughed and cried during the toast and speeches. You will break down that day. Everyone will but this day will also bring joy to everyone. Its up to you if you want to postpone again at the end. I wish you nothing but the best and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Post # 11
@danisalci13: *Hugs* I am so sorry for your loss.
All I can say, is : life goes on. It will, no matter how painful it is for you and your family right now. If February is still too soon for you, postpone your wedding again. You know better than anyone if you’re ready or not to get married, or if it’s still too painful and you still need time. But if you feel ready to get married, do not feel it’s inappropriate to bring up the wedding to your guests. It won’t. Nobody will judge you or think you do not mourn your brother properly because you’re going forth with your wedding plans. Happiness and joy have their place, even through mourning and sorrow. And I’m sure most people will think this is what your brother would have liked you to do.
Maybe have a candle of rememberance for your brother ? This way, you will not have to ”mention” him which would make you break down (and your guests too), but this way it would be discreet, and maybe your guests will think they do not have to discuss the matter either, since the candle is there and speaks for everybody ? The idea is not to ”forget” your brother or to ”ban” him from conversations, but rather to use a powerful symbol to represent what you’d like to say, so you don’t have to and it won’t distract you from your happy event.
Post # 12
I suddenly lost my brother and only sibling last year, just as my FI and I got engaged. Unfortunately they never had the opportunity to meet. I do know what you are going through, and as a sibling it is the hardest thing. It is an unbelievable hole in our lives that nothing will be able to fill, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
Wedding planning was something I had to force myself in to. It has kept me functioning day to day–not to say that I don’t cry all the time, because I do. He would not want you to put your life on hold for him, as much as that’s all you want to do. My wedding plans have become so centered around family, love and appreciation of what we have since this happened. It was definitely hard at first to bring up anything about the wedding to my family because it did feel selfish, but in the end they were the ones asking me, because it has become a way for them to escape as well.
i still don’t know what to do to commemorate my brother on our day… I really want to be happy and not cry but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t say or do something. I am thinking of having his picture framed and placed on a table with flowers and a candle that we will keep burning for the whole length (11 hours) of the event.
Please feel free to message me. I would love to bounce around ideas with you. I would also love to help in any way I can. Again, I am so sorry.
Post # 13
@danisalci13: I would go through with it. It’ll probably be good for everyone to have a celebration in this time of sadness. I don’t know why you are going through, but I know that I would be so incredibly upset if my brother passed away, but hes not going to want you to mourn and be sad forever. Your family understands and it seems like they want you to go through with this wedding, so just try to enjoy it
Post # 14
Thank you all again for all the suggestion and kind words. I really want to go through with the wedding because I love my FI and I am ready for us to begin our lives together. After much thought I have decided that I will be having my brother’s favorite shirt sewn into the inside of my dress in the shape of a heart. This way he can be right there with me the whole day. I will also be putting his picutre in a charm to wear on my bouquet. We also will have him mentioned on the thank you cards that we are setting on each chair. The last line will read “We hope you enjoy yourself this night, as we begin our new life in rememberance of Manny Morales, from whom we learned the true meaning of love”
Let me know what you think. Too much? Not enough?
Thank you all again.
Post # 15
@danisalci13: I think that’s a beautiful tribute to your brother 🙂