Weddingbee boards

Happy New Year to the wonderful and supportive bees in the hive!

I come to thee for advice once again. I've posted about the waiting part, the e-ring part, and now this is so much more serious an issue that those things seem so shallow. I NOW HAVE SERIOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT NOT GETTING MARRIED AT ALL. Quick background: dated on/off since highschool and 8 years this month (but really, just over one year of rock steady, healthy relationship), engaged right before his sister's wedding this summer.

Now prepare yourself for my supposedly indepth summary of our woes -_- (And yes, we WILL be going for counselling, now to see if we can salvage anything or just call it quits and how to recover from this).

I've always had a niggling doubt that maybe FI (I'll still call him that cuz we're still trying to figure this out) was not "the" one because of our crazy different personalities. (And the fact that my gut instinct tells me that if I don't get over our issues, the D word will surface its ugly head down the line despite kiddies and everything -_-). I, a more outgoing, adventurous, singing and dancing, much more verbose and emotional/dramatic type (and already established financially); him, the introverted, not a lot of friends, veeeeeeery quiet, low self-confidence, definitely not the singing and dancing type, and also finds it hard to express himself (seriously lacking in communication skills). We don't have a really good conversation history, and I'm more apt just to say, "stop talking now honey" than let him blather on ever so slowly about some really boring thing (this is a consensus, not just my perception). Not much intellectual stimulation, he's a bit slow on thought processes and speech, and he can't keep up with me at all. Also, still in school with quite a lot of debt. Parents refuse to help him out financially with school (they did for his first three yrs of eng'g which he hated so he dropped out), so I try to support him financially with this new program (which I don't resent...yet). And for a mini-vent, he's awful at picking out presents (if he gives any at all, like this past christmas he tried to compensate by spending all his time with me, which I understand because the poor boy does nothing else but school and work, BUT then randomly paid for a $100+ sushi dinner for 4 ppl, including us, on NYE. That got me mad.) When I asked him what he was planning to get me when he gets his next paycheque (he very well knows I honestly think he'll splurge on me like I do on him if he had the money so I don't expect sparklies at this point), he said he was gonna get me a swimming cap. OK. Now, I am the EASIEST person to pick presents for because I go googly-eyed AND actually say what sorta things I like! Bottom line is, I don't think he picks things up very well and sometimes I find myself thinking he's not thoughtful and romantic enough for me (and all of my exes were the serenading me under the moonlight type, spontaneous, fun and musical like crazy; just not the marriageable type for other reasons). And then I can't help comparing that I gave him front row seats to a musical for xmas (cuz he likes theatre), and a 3K+ vacation for his bday. Which I hate doing (the comparing). Sigh. I also got over the "guy must pay for engagement ring" idea and sucked it up and now am paying for my "dream" ring that's being custom-made (and will be a huge and sad problem if our relationship dissolves).

Quite a few times I've found myself bored when I think about what we do together (sit in front of the tv, or me planning something - never him; my fault cuz I'm picky)- and I get restless and nitpick and whine and complain (I'm just not a homebody! I'm the type who jumps off planes and bridges, go caving, etc). He doesn't really have hobbies/interests aside from keeping me company. He doesn't really make an effort to have dates with me (even a pizza pizza lunch date), which I find tiring because as much of a type A person I am, it's nice to take a seat back and let him plan something for once. We didn't really have that fiery start (more like a slow burn - didn't really realize I loved him until the second year in), and I've found myself so easily tempted by other guys with personalities (and culture) similar to mine, and when we were on our "off" times, I'd date other guys. Funny thing is, he always waited for me to come back, and I do.

What do I love about him? Well, he is tireless in "serving" me, but like I tell him, I want a boyfriend, not a nanny! I do like the energy though, and it's sweet that he fixes my work lunch for me while I shower. His quiet and stable personality is nice and calming and balances me out when I'm a-buzz with stress and anxiety. His ability to forgive me time and time again when I go astray (break up with him because I was unhappy and bored yet again). He does say that he overcompensates (24/7 massages, anyone?) for the things he knows he can't provide (easygoing, spontaneous fun) and I in turn want more of this hoping that it will fill the void that he just can't seem to fill.

Obviously there's other things I can't quite describe, but in our reality, everybody thinks we have it good and I'm just a spoiled brat. We look good on paper. Especially because my culture deems his culture very desirable. Yes, I want good-looking kids (halfies are adorable), but maybe there's more to married life, no??? Like the fact that for some reason I always find myself wondering if there is another guy out there who will make me laugh and have conversations initiated by both parties (he's really corny and have juvenile jokes, if he tries at all). And the fact that maybe we're just so used to each other's company that we're getting married for convenience. And I'm still mothering him (have you brushed your teeth yet? Why didn't you wash your hair? Grr, guys. Hygiene is KEY to a woman's heart!!! Well, one key anyway.)

Last year (2010), I stopped being bitchy and finally decided to shove my "high standards" down the bottom drawer and started being more attentive to him, and more encouraging, and generally just being "more". And I loved it. He responded beautifully, got more confident in himself, our fights/disagreements are resolved in healthier ways, we genuinely loved being with each other. I still get bored but that's just me, but hey, if a really cute guy (he's handsome and I would love many many babies with him) who thinks you are the most gorgeous and sexy woman alive, faithful and loyal to the max, who COOKS AND CLEANS, and is finally spiritually aware (that was one of our big issues, now it's not, thank God literally), whose family loves and adores you, and is pretty much accepted as a son to my parents...and most importantly, willing to forgive you for all the crap you've put him through (issues of MY unfaithfulness to him), and to work on our issues, you better say yes when he asks you to marry him. Right?

I honestly thought we could get over the issues, both serious AND trivial. I thought that a promise from him to work hard on his communication skills year after year (he becomes a robot and not say anything and would wait til I calm down, but leaves the subject untouched) was enough, but I have been waiting and he's a bit glacial and static in terms of change. I think I could wait until next year when he'll finally be done school and hopefully get a stable job that would get him at least 2/3 of what I get (better-paying job = more family time), but I have insecurities that he's not aggressive enough to find the best possible job for him. We're in our mid-twenties and I've always thought that I'd be married and have three babies last year (I wanted to be a young mum). He says he'll try to be more spontaneous, more fun, more this, more that...but in my heart I know it's wrong to change people. He, on the other hand, loves that I'm "bossy". And that I make him want to be a better person (like I said, he has a negative self-image of himself). It just tires me out, and I don't know if I can handle it without running off to another guy just to chill out. A mentor of mine said that although we both have put so much work on our relationship and have gone through many experiences together in a very long period of time, she'd rather go to a wedding knowing that we are both happy and content with each other. And that I shouldnt have to work THIS hard to achieve not even therapeutic levels of happiness. As for the different kinds of love? He loves me "Agape" style (unconditional), and I think I do too, and we have the friend kind (philia was it?), but lacking in the eros and the other one~ (Side note: we have absolutely zero problem in the bed dept; actually, our relationship was more physical in the first few years; we decided to stop having sex three months ago for spiritual reasons and knowing that we'll have amazing sex minus the guilt in marriage). We know have a lot of time to think about other things, ha ha. Like, getting to know each other. Ours is an odd relationship :p 

The past few weeks I got to suspecting that neither of us are ready for marriage. And me realizing that if I met him now, without knowing him or having the history I have with him, I wouldn't even date him! (Someone say major red flag!) That maybe we're engaged because that's what everybody expects of us because we've stayed with each other for soo long, and maybe we are both secretly hoping that marriage will magically change things for the better. WRONG! I was sooo ready to get married and start having kids LAST YEAR. So now, the engagement is on hold (I am now unwilling to plan a wedding being shouldered by me alone, especially with all these doubts). And we're waiting to get counselling from our church. And I will be stuck with my dream ring (not my dream rock, but what the heck). I'm in a limbo before I have to make a very life-altering decision of either staying with him and risk getting those unhappy moments and risk being an unfaithful wife and/or divorce (because I don't think he's ever changing into my revised "ideal" man, not really), or bid a painful goodbye to this 8-year mostly-good, possibly "the one that got away" relationship with a truly awesome man that was just not for me and I for him. My heart shut down already (hello numbness my old friend) cuz it knows what hurt it will have to endure once I choose this road. Will possibly move countries. 

Yes, that was eyes-glazed-over-she-has-too-much-time-on-her-hands long, but if you were bored to death or had downtime and maybe have a degree in psychology (I kid), I hope you have something to say - because at this point, I will accept all forms of advice, criticism, support, maybe not disses -_-, ...because I love you all and there is collective wisdom in this hive.

Halp? *Cue cute cat picture so people's irritation due to the length of this post will disappear*

Oh my, people actually replied. I knew I could count on you bees. Whew. 

@SnugglesKD: Haha no worries on not reading the whole post! I kind of just let it all rip, cuz why the heck not, this might be one of the most important decisions I have to make in this decade. Thanks for the advice though! 

@mstomrsbee: For all those years we've been together, I've tried to accept him as who he was at that point (as a highschool student, as a univ student, as a person who dropped out then went back to school, etc etc). I've found myself in all frames of mind, tried different strategies (changed my mind, my attitude, etc) and because we had a really great year last year, I thought that I could just keep it up, you know? I KNOW the essential part of him that makes him "him" won't change, and I've known that for a while now.

@mwitter80: Ouch! but I needed that. Honestly, this guy doesn't set any boundaries (really? you don't mind an open relationship just so's you can keep me?) and the little pet peeves just build up over time and I do have those times where I don't like him, and sometimes even embarassed of him (gah I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself here, I used to just rationalize it all away). He actually enables my "whininess" because he likes that he's there for that. Does that even make sense? It's not like I don't like him ALL the time, and I do love the guy. In no way did I ever hate him, and am actually fond of him. I did say yes to him >_<

@misslene: What are the chances there WILL be someone like you? Psych101 on myself didn't work so well :p We have done the breaking up thing, many times, and I've tried to move on and encouraged him to do the same. I seriously keep telling him that out there in the big overpopulated world is the perfect wifey for you who will LOVE everything about you and not make you do all these things that your naggy girlfriend wants you to do! Nope, he says I'm it. The unfaithfulness is huge for me though, and I realize it is a giant red flag in front of my eyeballs. 

@Bubu82: I know, we've been working on our differences for a long time, but I feel it's not going anywhere fast. Suddenly, it's been 8 years and I'm engaged to be married to this guy. Hold up! Actually, this whole thinking process got rolling because of a convo I had with a coworker (similar personality to mine) who also dated a nice guy who was very different from her. They broke up because she couldn't get over it. I think I just get scared because I don't know how I'll cope if it does happen. Getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it.

@GeorgiaTeacup: It's so hard for me to keep telling him that there have been times that I have been unhappy in this relationship (we have an honesty policy), but I feel like a selfish bitch because he says he's always been happy with me, even at my worst! Not to mention if we fight, and he looks sad or something, everybody automatically blames me. And I keep telling myself to just suck it up and change your attitude girl! Which I had. Over and over again. I do try to be content and grateful to what we both can bring to the table. But again that sinking suspicion that we're better suited as friends than life partners keeps popping up to the surface. I will break both our hearts, and his especially, as I am his first and only girlfriend.

@MissBoston: Yeah, this long-winded post and subsequent long-winded replies is an attempt to reconsider all the options. It just flat-out scares the heck out of me and I don't know if I'm strong/brave enough to do what needs to be done. At this point we have agreed that the wedding is off. It has to be said though that he HAS been through most, if not all, of my darkest, most painful moments in life, and this is a HUGE factor why I'm still with him, having weathered those together. Gah I'm falling apart already nooooo. 

@beebeebuzzbuzz: Aww man. You're really good at this therapeutic communication business by saying back what I meant to say (except in less words! haha). And the story you mentioned is the very thing I want to avoid. At one point I got so scared of divorce that I didn't want to get married at ALL (this was pre-engagement). I know that he's OK being himself, and that I'm ok being myself, but maybe we're not the best match out there. Ah romantic futility sucks. :( 

@summerbride12: Oh summerbride, I loathe how I have those feelings of superiority! I've tried to combat them by trying to encourage him to do better at everything - in school, at work, etc. I compliment him more, trying to find out and admiring his good qualities, etc etc. I stop myself from making rude, careless remarks that are hurtful, I've stopped whining too much (thus whining on the boards instead), stopped trying to manipulate him and basically just let him grow on his own pace. 

@Jenn23: Is it odd when I say that although sometimes I don't like him (which has been considerably lessened as time went on), I do truly love him? Not the eros, romantic type, but more the philia (friendship) and agape (unconditional) type? And he does the same for me. It's just the work that we put into this relationship might be a tad too much if we're just banging our heads over and over again to no avail. There is a difference though of knowing what to do, and actually doing it. 

@BanditGirl: Hello, I'm a fan of yours during that blonde johnny depp debacle, fyi, lol. I'm mostly focusing on the bad aspects, so that I can get feedback on those, whether they are just trivial to most people or something I should maybe put on the "non-negotiable things I want in a partner" list. We have fun too, just not as much as I'd like. 

@kybride: thanks. :) I need all the luck I can get. Now to get me some courage to do it.

@hellorebecca: You guessed right! But him being handsome is just a bonus (Ahh all my exes were NOT cute). We're both immigrants living in a very culturally-diverse city so we don't even turn heads, and we met here during physics class! (I get mad when people, who tend to put my culture down, think I'm a freakin' mail-order bride). I included it because of the external pressure I get because of that, which is a bit ridiculous. For example, I'd confess that I'm not happy with him because of x reason, and they'd just go, but he's so nice! And so handsome! -_- Seriously. And one of my friends said outright that they just want cute babies for me. Weh?? Sarcasm doesn't translate well on the interweb :/ But no, that was NOT the reason I was marrying him, no worries :)

@PuntaCanaBride: Could it also be that I'm just overly critical? Well yes, because I felt that the time to look at all these issues is now rather than later. Still sucks to finally conclude this relationship which took a lot of time and effort just to say, so long and thanks for all the fish! (reference to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, and a pun because we both love sushi -_-).

Now, what's a good way to do this, exactly? Because the last time we attempted to break up, I got into a major (although not clinically diagnosed) depression that had me lying on the couch all day with the tv on, feeling numb for days, and had bouts of bawling my eyes out throughout the day, and was generally so ineffective that we had to get back together so I can actually finish school (Horrible, I know). I'm sorry to be such a downer guys, but I am feeling down. A major source of my support is gonna be gone, and I know I'll grieve it for years. I'll miss the shoulder I used to cry on for YEARS. Hello, five stages of grief. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Khm2_l9o-98

@SnugglesKD: Wow you must be a lot stronger than I am, because I so so easily fall apart! Kudos for having gone through this process successfully! Yeah we're taking time for this to happen, the church is kinda busy with the new year so I'm not exactly sure when they can accomodate us. I'm so tired of going through breaking up just to get back together, so I want to be 100% sure that this is it. A note about the FI - he really just wants to be with me despite everything (Hoo boy do I tell him when I'm unhappy and what I'm unhappy about). I'd love for him to tell me to break this off already!

@Sasha2011: Haha no worries about the long post! I for one don't mind the longer posts as it lets people break down things and not just jot down generalities :) And you are absolutely right with MY own issues of self-esteem! I was this naive, goody two shoes 15 yr old girl when I had my first bf (childhood friend) who cheated on me on a monthly basis, drinks, smokes, does pot, forced me to watch porn (like literally hold my eyes open), whose friends connived to get us to have sex and so would lock me in a bedroom with him trying his darndest for me to give in to him; he wasn't proud of me because I was just this innocent, uncool, smarty pants tomboy and didn't hang out with me during our first Christmas together. 11 months later he broke up with me because I would never let him have sex with me. Yeaaaah. It was only recently that I realized how traumatic that must have been for me, and a HUGE part of why I was such a dysfunctional girlfriend for many many years, and why I keep taking crap from people, and why I think I'm gonna keep on cheating cuz I thought that was the normal thing to do (despite logically knowing that it's wrong). And that although I'm much more confident in myself and can project confidence, I still sometimes find it a disadvantage to be always seen as a child because of my short and petite body type! Children don't usually wear mini dresses with stilletos :p

And you're right with taking time (I know a lot are saying to just pack up and leave, which I'm also considering). There's more to relationships than one's likes or dislikes, personality quirks and preferences. I really thought that as long as two people are willing to work at any issue, no matter how big and seemingly insurmountable, then that partnership is already a success by virtue of this singular commitment to each other. I gave him so much slack because I saw how stressed he was getting what with studying school full-time and working part-time, with the rest of the time spent with me just snuggling (he just doesn't have my hyperexcitability). He's promising to "court" me more, cuz I realized I do like romancing in a relationship. As for biological clocks, I know that all too well, as I am in the OB field, lol!

Culturally, it's mostly people outside our immediate families that revere the whole asian/caucasian dynamics. My parents are quick to tell me to break it off if I really feel he's not good enough for me; and they treat him like a son because he's a good boy and my parents are just warm that way (to which poor FI is sooo attracted to; he loves my close-knit family). Heck, his mum adores me and totally respects me for what I have accomplished, my personality, and is interested in my culture. (lol his dad gets scared to talk to me because he has to speak in english). 

@MissBoston: Wow that 12-week timeline is pure gold - I wish I knew that back then, so I would've avoided this kerfuffle in the first place. I suck at breakups, I'm too much of a softy when someone makes puppy-dog eyes at me >_< I'm still friends with ALL my exes, and I know at least two who want to get back together. Er. For some reason I have inculcated in my mind that it's selfish for me to not let a person in my life because who am I to tell them that they can't come in when they want to?! I've been working on this (and have FINALLY deleted that manipulative ex from facebook and my life, as well as this guy who has sexually assaulted me -  yes, yes, I have many issues lol).  Seriously though, I think I have major troubles with being alone, or the prospect of being alone (despite having people around me). I'm too much of a snugglybear :(

@inahat: Your perception is keen! The cycle of emotional AND verbal abuse did happen, especially between the 2-yr and 6-yr mark, because I would be so frustrated, tried push him away, say all kinds of mean things, cruel and careless words would just spew out of my mouth, with him just letting me do this while I keep pleading for him to help me stop this train of destruction! We had awful conflict-resolution skills! It got sooo unhealthy and dysfunctional that we just had to break up (this was the major breakup that ended with me being a couch potato only to get back together later + me dealing with PTSD from a horrible experience while in school). After the breakup, I fell in love (HARD) with one of my good guy friends when I went back home, and was completely over FI by the time I got back here. That guy filled everything that was missing from FI, taught me respect and different love languages, melted away my pent-up resentment of all guys in general, taught me how to chill out; except it didn't work out due to the LDR and other major issues this other guys has (he just wants it easy, live by the beach and surf all day). I eventually got back with FI, and it felt like a different relationship! I stopped letting stress dictate my words and my actions, was kinder and more loving, and we both grew so much because of this. Because we were so impressed in both our individual growth and as a couple, we realized maybe it's different this time, maybe we can work it out! We started doing things more together, focused more on our spiritual growth, and things were going so well (and all our friends could attest to this) that we felt comfortable enough to get engaged. And now, this. Sigh.

@njm1313: You're totally right! I stick by that saying that goes "It's not about loving the perfect person; It's about loving the imperfect person perfectly!". I know I can't change his core, and that I can't suppress what I really am either. It's like rubbing two stones together to make a fire that just doesn't quite materialize. Lots of friction, lots of energy, lots of hope for that spark to finally come. I honestly wish I would enjoy his company more, that somehow all these things that bug me about him would just...go away. And referring to the quote, we've been trying to do this for a while now. :/ He totally and utterly accepts ALL of me, I kid you not. Everybody wants us to get married because everybody, aside from lil ole me, thinks he is IT. I wish I knew that in my heart meself. 

@smyley: He does though, I tell him everything (now in a calmer, non-confrontational manner). He has issues with his own self-worth and self-esteem that he just internalized and agreed with all the observations I made about him. We're working on that.

@7mom: He totally puts me on a pedestal, and it was great for a while to be so exalted. But then I matured a bit and realized that I don't care for this "you're my other half business", but instead appreciate the notion of two WHOLE people making the decision to give themselves wholly to each other. And honestly? Yes, I think I won't get anybody better than him (cute babies aside). His level of devotion is next to nothing. I can't possibly be friends with him after, or know anything about him because I'll be insanely jealous of that lucky woman who gets the end result of all this!

@Lexsy: Yeah wow I wish if this breakup does occur, that I would be as lucky as you! I keep thinking well, he can't give me EVERYTHING, so why not just have friends I can talk to about everything under the sun?? Except when I hung out with an ex for a day (yes, yes I will stop doing this), I found myself so amazed at how easily time passes talking about anything and started wanting that in my relationship with FI, which is severely lacking. I want to be with someone where the phrase "Marriage is a conversation which always seem so short" is applicable. :/

@missrobots: *I* feel bad for him >_< I wish I could just enjoy his company without doing major renovations on both of our characters. I enjoy the cuddles, just not so much the lack of conversation and romance between us.

@hzleys100: Well as much as I appreciate your comment, it's awfully hard to have something "very obvious" on the net where anonymous people throw out their personal woes to other anonymous people. There is love in this relationship, and there is respect, or at least attempts to. For a time, yes, I didn't respect him for all the reasons stated above, but I do try to nurture respect for him in areas of personal growth in his life, which are NOT explicitly mentioned above. Geewhiz, the post would then be 10 times longer! :) My main issue is that although we have good times, I still somehow find myself in too many lulls, and too many moments of unhappiness coupled with too much gazing at the grass on the other side. 

@sleepingbeauty88: Oh wow a voice of dissent, and so welcome too! That's a huge huge reason why I hung around. The cuddles are amazing, the fact that he's always been there for the tears and the brokenness, the silly things, the frustrating things, and pretty much everything, makes me loathe the idea of leaving him. I'm in a constant state of trying to calculate and recalculate the cost-benefits of this relationship. Yes, he's not dumb although his thought processes just work in a different way that I'm used to (which does frustrate me). When I was a little girl I thought I was gonna marry a poet. Oh well. I'll definitely post about the end result of all this. 

@beebeebuzzbuzz: He didn't really keep me back from anything; I'm already doing all the things I want to do, including lengthy travels. I think I just wish he was already financially stable so we BOTH could travel all we want while still being financially responsible. The one thing he IS holding me back from? Dating other guys and being accountable to noone. Because I haven't really "dated". I'm on the fence about that.

@crayfish: Oh crayfish, I thought we really could rise above this communication business, but we just couldn't! And you are absolutely right that it's game over if he can't ever open up to me. We always fought about how he's everybody else's confidante and advisor and he could never do that with ME. Probably just so afraid of ME. Gahh. 

@Loribeth: I'm sorry that happened to you. I have those feelings right now, of tiredness, unhappiness, and lack of satisfaction. Thus this post on the boards. :( *sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach*

Hoo boy, life is hard mann.

@Phantom: A relationship shouldn't be so hard to navigate all the time--when it's a struggle just to co-exist with your SO, and you are talking yourself into staying with him, it's time to let go. - One of my good friends told me this, which spurred me into thinking hard about how I really want to live my life. I'm glad you know what "looking good on paper" means, and how hard it is to break up with someone when everybody's gonna be so confused! Gah, you inspire me!

@VegasBaby: We did have this talk about our different ways of "loving" each other. We ARE both very loving people (differences and negative traits aside). I will try to read that book though, thanks for the advice.

@CorgiTales: Corgi! I don't even think I know how to be happily single! I have this really huge fear of being alone *wails*. I know I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet, but somehow there's always a romantic connection waiting just around the corner without me looking for it. Then it goes poof! and I get back with FI. And yes, I want to stop wasting BOTH our time. :( And I realize that yes, nothing is gonna change, not really.

@puppymom2006: We *are* trying to make our differences our strengths. I guess a difference I can see is that you guys have superior communication skills, as well as similar intellectual level, which my FI and I don't have. :( I'd love to learn new things, and I just don't get that from FI. I'd love for him to know words that I don't (well, aside from language differences). He depends on me to make things fun and novel. So, I get bored. And you know what they say about idle hands :( -i say this because I know I get easily tempted-

@moderndaisy: Yeah the money thing became a huge issue because I just came back from an emergency trip back home to visit a very sick relative, only to come back and having to pay for the e-ring (which was fine), AND then have him ask me for a loan to pay off last semester's tuition and a bit of this semester, or he will have to take a break from school AGAIN. (at this point, goodbye eurotrip). We knew we were gonna have a long engagement (waiting til he's done school), and we were comfortable starting to plan because both sets of parents were gonna contribute. 

Knowing that statistically finances are the number one reason for divorce, I'm taking a step back, halted ALL kinds of wedding planning, and now the wedding is off. Which will be a nightmare for both of us. Sigh.

Imma swap the clear diamond for a pink one and sing Destiny's Child all day about being able to buy my own diamonds!