(Closed) Postponing the wedding…indefinitely (uber long novel, apologizes in advance)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

First of all, have to be honest and say I didn’t read your entire post.  Forgive me if I’ve missed anything.

What is clear from what I did read is that you are not ready to get married.  Financially, emotionally, mentally, etc, YOU are not ready to commit your life to this person.  Good thing you recognize this now.

So glad to hear you are seeking counseling. Counseling individually and as a couple, in my opinion, is a good thing.  You might have some clarity on whether or not your standards are unrealistic (I don’t think some of them are unrealistic… you just know some of the things you want in a SO). I think it’s a great idea to SLOW EVERYTHING DOWN until you sort out what you want.

Lastly, need to assess if you had these doubts before becoming engaged.  If you did, you may want to figure out why it is you said yes. Perhaps there is something worth saving, or perhaps you just felt like it was the next step.  Check out Conscious-Transitions.com too, as there are some great articles about the things you mention above. 

Best wishes!

Post # 4
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2011

If you read someone else’s post that looked and sounded similar to yours, what would you say? It is true that not everything is perfect all the time. Ups and downs are normal, but IMO you sound like you have every reason to take a step back and reevaluate whether you truly want to make a lifelong commitment to this person as he is now….because people are who they are and it’s important that you accept him on the condition that it isn’t very likely that he will change.

Post # 5
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

You sound like you hate him and you are totally annoyed by him. And just like some of the others I didnt read this all because it just got so whiny in the middle.  Having a good time together makes a relationship easy, love is neccessary in order for it to be worth it, but the most important is the “LIKE” piece and honey you don’t like him.

Post # 6
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Aside from all the negative things you had to say about him in your post (and there were a lot), my past experience with a long term (7 year) on-again-off-again relationship is that there was a good reason we were on-again-off-again. Deep down, we weren’t right for each other. Frankly, from what you wrote, it sounds like you and your SO aren’t, either.

I hope the counseling helps you find out what will be best for both of you.

Post # 7
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with mwitter80–you sound like you hate this guy!  You say you don’t want to “risk being an unfaithful wife”? Don’t enter into a lifetime commitment with someone if you are already worried you can’t be faithful.

Sometimes you date a great guy who just isn’t great for you. Move on and let him do the same.

And I actually do have a degree in psychology 🙂

Post # 8
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you already know the answer.  Sure, it’s not easy to let go of something you’ve invested so much time and energy into, but better to get out now than later after finances and kids are involved.  

You owe it to yourself and to this guy to be happy.

Post # 9
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If you are worried NOW about all these things, and being unfaithful, things will only get worse down the road, unfortunately. 🙁 How will you make it through the rest of your life, tough situations, parents getting old/sick, financial trouble, etc.. this should be the easy part. Sorry we’re all not super encouraging, but I think you need to seriously reconsider.

Post # 10
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Your FI sounds like a really great guy despite all the negative things you said about him.  It doesn’t even sound like you are in love with him but rather you are with him because you are used to it.  There’s that saying that opposites attract, but I think you two are just too different to be a good match.  I have a feeling you will always be bored with him and always will be looking for the greener grass on the other side.  You two are not ready for marriage, but at least even you realize that.  You sound like my FMIL and he sounds like my FFIL.  They’re going through a divorce right now.  FMIL said she had been considering it very many years but waited until her kids were all grown to even say anything.  Now she is bitter and her mind is set.  No amount of counseling will change her mind.  Her main complaint is that she always wanted to do more social things like go out for dinner dates, and travel, try different activities.    FFIL is a homebody and doesn’t like doing much outside of the home.  You can’t change people, no matter how much you try.  Even if you tried to change your own wants and dreams to settle for his you will not be able to change yourself and you will grow to resent him.  My advise is to call it off.  Not take another break, just move on.  You will find the guy you are looking for who is more like you or closer to a middle ground.

Post # 11
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I did read the whole post and I strongly think you need to leave. It really does sound like you think you are better than him and I bet that his negative feelings towards himself probably aren’t being helped by your feelings towards him. I don’t think that anything you said about him is necessarily a bad trait, it’s just not something that you want in a partner.I think it’s time to do both of you a favour and leave. You need to be in a relationship where you are happy and don’t have temptations to be with other people. And he needs to be with somebody who loves him for him and is accepting of his personality. I don’t think it would be good for either of you to continue in this relationship and while it would be really hard to end such a long term relationship, I think it would be best for both of you in the long run to finally have a chance to be really happy.

Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with the others. It doesn’t sound good to me. I think you already know he isn’t for you. I don’t hear you saying you are totally in love with him or that you even like being with him.

Post # 13
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Even when you attempt to compliment him, it’s followed by a put down.  All I get from this is that you don’t like him, think he’s boring and stupid. 

Post # 14
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

I agree with the previous pps.

You need to end it and let him find someone who will love and appreciate him for who he is.

Best of luck.

Post # 15
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@msseahorse: i am guessing you are Asian and he is white?

THAT IS NOT A GOOD REASON TO MARRY HIM!!!!!

ugh. i get so sick of the ‘white boys are so great and i want my children to be half white’ that soo many minority girls have. i know so many chicks who are with a guy who is not half as good as them, but they are attracted to the idea that their kids will be half white. anyway, I might be reading too much into this post but the below statement really got to me.

‘We look good on paper. Especially because my culture deems his culture very desirable. Yes, I want good-looking kids (halfies are adorable), but maybe there’s more to married life, no???’

Post # 16
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I read that whole post. And I completely agree with all PP. You need to leave this relationship. I could never imagine having so many negative things to say about a person I’m preparing to marry. Relationships shouldn’t be like that. And as another poster said, the reason you have been on again off again is because you aren’t right for eachother. Its hard to leave a relationship you’ve been in so long but I think it would be best for both of you. 

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