Post # 1
So our wedding is March 24,2012. We have been engaged since July 4,2010. We have been planning this wedding for 2 years! Our original date was July 2011 and my FiancÃ© asked if we could push it back. You see…we….or he was covering almost the entire wedding himself. I was ok with it and understood why he asked that. So I have dedicated the past two years to find the best deals out there and planned the entire wedding all by myself. His family was completely un helpful…..mine didn’t have any money to contribute and honestly was ok without my moms help because she can be more stress than help. I hired a day of coordinator in January and started to remind my fiancÃ© about the upcoming tasks. You see he had not even chosen his wedding party. We have talked about how overwhelmed we are and the wedding just got bigger and bigger. In january we cut the list from 280 to 180. Then again the in February from 180 to 100. My fiancÃ© had to go on a business trip to India and we sent the invites put the day he left. Then he gets back and we were going over the deposits and he started crying.
Apparently the wedding is too much. Now I knew he was a bad communicator but honestly two weeks before our wedding!!! I guess he hasn’t filed taxes in 4 years and is afraid of the IRS. Now had I known this I would have never started planning the wedding. I am in the world of credit and know that taxes transfer to the spouse.
Second his parents got divorced after 29 years of marriage this past year. His dad is engaged and bringing her to the wedding and my fiancÃ© is not happy about it. There us already family drama and this just adds to it.
He said that he just pictured his
Ice in a different place when he got married. That he needs to fix his issues first. That he isn’t ready.
Now let me be clear…..had he communicated this to me I would have been dine and held off…..but he wIted until now!!! I told him he needs to call the guests to call it off but wouldn’t you k ow……I was the one who ended up contacting everyone because he didn’t! We have been together 4 years. Living together 2 years and he has been raising my daughter with me the entire time. We are basically married….what is he not ready for?!!?!
Now he just acts like noing happened. Told me I was ridiculous to get emotional about it…..when everyone else tells me how well I am handling it. He seems to think it’s no big deal and that j should just get over it.
What the heck??,!! I don’t know what to do!!!
Post # 3
The fact that he didn’t tell you there was a problem is a big red flag. You two are getting married, you really need to be able to discuss things like this. It’s crazy that he allowed you to keep planning the wedding when he didn’t want it and/or couldn’t pay for it. Didn’t he ever set/agree to a budget?
I’d put the wedding on hold and start couples counseling to improve your communication skills as a couple before marriage.
Post # 4
Totally agree with above. And think of it this way: way better to know now, even two weeks before the wedding, than after you’re already married!
Post # 5
There is a lot going on here.
It may sound weird, but if he hasnt paid his taxes in 4 years, but what makes you think he can handle a wedding or marriage. Sounds like he avoids confrontation at ALL costs including calling off a wedding last minute when he knew months ago his fears. And he didnt own up to his decision to call the guests himself…
If his father is already engaged, how long ago were they divorced? Is he addressing this really late (reminiscent of the IRS???) or was it only 6 months ago.
There is A LOT going on, probably more than you think. Its time to start asking questions to him as well as your self. Is this what he really wants? Can he really give you what you need?
Post # 6
@msfahrenheit: I agree with this. I would flip a switch on my FI if he told me sum mess like that. We have been together over 4 years and have lived together for the same amount of time. I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous marriage that he has helped me raise plus we have 2 children together. We set out a budget, and though he keeps forgetting that number, has not objected to it. Two weeks before the wedding? Really? Girl, I cant even imagine what you are going thru right now. I dont think the vendors will give you your money back. Not even sure if they will postpone it for another date. Im not trying to find that out. If my FI pulled a stunt like this two weeks before the wedding, he would have a gun to his back to walk down that aisle, Im sorry.
Post # 7
It’s his job to tell his own father that his new girlfriend is not invited to the wedding if that is what his wish for the day is. Offer the father a same sex friend +1.
I don’t know if this helps you to feel better, but your FI sounds like a really awful and ineffective communicator. Sweeping problems under the rug rather than talking them through really does make it worse rather than making the problems go away. This whole situation in your post is proof of that.
In truth, two weeks out, in my eyes your vendors are all 100% paid for, your guests are ready (including out of towners), and everything is a go. I would have told him to suck it up and gone through with the wedding.
It is a little bit interesting that he has not paid taxes the whole time you have been together? You never noticed, even though you were living together? Also, you are an accountant (or similar?) and you are not helping to foot the bill for the wedding?
He should not have given you a ring and a proposal if he was not ready to be married. In truth, it sounds like you should not have been so quick to say yes either.
Post # 8
Honestly… You should be a little relieved… Not paying taxes for 4 years?! You do not want to be tied to that… They will garnish your wages and you have a daughter to take care of! Make him clean that mess up first then talk about marriage… You might have dodged a bullet.
Post # 9
@happilyeverafter32412: I am so sorry that happened! My suggestion is first that you make a decision to either stick it out with him or walk away. If you decide to stick it out, couple’s counseling may be beneficial. If warranted, the counselor will recommend individual therapy (sounds like he may need to do that to address some apparently deep seeded issues). This sounds like a much larger issue than a case of cold feet. If you need help with deciding on whether to stay or leave, maybe you could talk to a counselor individually first to sort out the issue. Again, I am so sorry!
Post # 10
uggh, sounds like my brother – a good man who loves is wife but geez, would it kill him to do one thing (taxes or paying his bills) on time! his wife takes care of all of this now because hes not broke, just not stressed about doing it properly
first thing is you need to contact your vendors and see what can be cancelled or delayed without losing too much money
secondly i think you really need to sit down and plan a budget and not just for the wedding but for your lives together. its ok for one person to manage the financials but there cant be secrets if this is whats going to happen. counselling will help you get through all the hurt feelings and disappointment
obviously your FI is upset and disappointed, he most probably feels he failed you – for me, i wouldnt wait a month or a year or heck 2yrs plus if it means i can be married so do you want to be married or have a wedding? if its being married then do something smaller and simple, you can always have a renewal later on when financially things are better
goodluck and hugs – you must be very upset and i hope you two sort this out
Post # 11
I’m sorry that you have such a mess on your hands. It sounds like communication problems and (deceit) are huge. I also agree with Pom227. I wouldn’t marry him until things got straightened out at the very least. That’s my opinion, for what it’s worth. 🙁
Post # 13
Ok ok honestly my fiancÃ© is a GREAT man! He has stepped up 100% in raising my daughter And taking 100% responsibility as her Father. I was in the world of financing but got burnt out the past year. We have been extremely blessed in the area of income especially in this economy. He has book keepers and everything ready to go. He filed his 08 and 09 last year. In 2010 he made substantially more and in 2011 doubled 2010. He was overwhelmed because his ex business partner caused some huge issues with the companies books. He has been spending hours on end trying to clear this p before the wedding and thought it would have been taken care of by now. Unfortunately it isn’t. He has 8 different businesses which makes taxes even more complicated for him. I was unaware of this because he did not want to worry me and was stressed enough. He did not want to bring that stress into our home. I understand why he thought that was best but wish he would have communicated this o me so I knew where he stood. Had I known it was as complicated as it is I would have said yes to his proposal but would not have started planni the wedding until everything was resolved.
While finances are not the reason the wedding is postponed I know that created a lot of stress. To answer your question…..I have been a stay at home mom now for a while and currently do not have a substantial income. My fiancÃ© wanted to keep the income I bring in and have brought in in our savings account. We use it as our slush fund…….for retirement someday, vacations and special purchases. While his income goes towards bills. I am grateful for this and it works for us!
I have spoken with every vendor already and am proud to say 99% of them are completely understanding and have no problem with us moving the date back. They are applying the deposit or in some cases full amount paid towards the new date with no penalties. The one vendor that we have a small penalty with is the venue but it is minuscule!
Yes I do agree that communication is a weak point for him but he is perfect to me in every other area and is very open with his feelings usually……maybe not his business feelings but everything else.
His parents divorce was finalized this year. The woman was jot included on the plus one and we discussed why to his father. However, he feels he has the right to bring who he wants and she is his fiancÃ©…..hence the huge family fight that we are experiencing.
Post # 14
Yikes…it really sounds like this may be for the best as you guys have lots to work out before you get married, also, your right, his debt will also be your debt if/when you get married, I also think that by holding off your marriage will be healthier for it. Good luck!
Post # 15
Oh wow, I couldn’t imagine my fiance doing this! I would be heartbroken! I’m really sorry you are going through this!
To me it sounds like he avoids alot of things, I would try talking to him and if he avoids that then that’s a serious bright red flag to me! I hope you the best of luck!
Post # 16
I’m speechless. I’m sorry, but between the taxes and dropping this on you less than 3 weeks before your wedding date, I’d be OUT the door. For good. No question.
If he has 8 businesses and can’t even keep track of things enough to file his taxes properly, you need to be very, and I mean very careful – because if you do marry him, he has the potential to ruin you financially. Filing taxes is pretty much THE most basic component of owning a business – and failing to do so can result in wage garnishment, bankruptcy, and jail time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this – I’d be mortified and heartbroken, but I’d also see it as a sign that this is just not meant to be.