Weddingbee boards

Um, I like to think that everytime some sort of ridiculous thing happens I wont be running along to WB to talk it out in an Emotional Post. I mean sometimes I feel silly about it. Today, I am actually overcome with anger, frustration, and actual fear that I will have to significantly change my life in regards to pretty much everything revolving around my family. Yeah, I think that warrents an Emotional post.

As my previous posts have noted...my eldest sister is completely mentally ill- she has threatened everyone in my immediate family, family friends, all for a bid to get money from my father- who I also have issues with, but for the most part am trying work towards a better relationship with. My sister M is paranoid (she accused me of conspiring with her roomates to ruin her life...I havent been on campus in what, 3 weeks?- I had one exam!- not to mention thats utterly insane). And she and I had an altercation and threats that lead me to abandoning my house during the dead of night to go to my SO's. She also leaves me threatening/"Warning...her words" msgs on my phone, all of which I have saved, in conjuction with all the info from the previous interactions with her. As such, I have notified campus security that she needs to stay away from me, and have a file with the RCMP (our police up north).

Despite all this, I cant take any legal action....the best I could do was change the locks and keep a record of everything that shes doing. My father knows all this, and promised that while I lived at home to get on my feet before I move out, that she would be kept away from the house. Now M is amazing at being manipulative, though she is very very ill- she bounces from sweet and kind, to threatening and extremely violent at the blink of an eye. She is over right now as I am writing this, and earlier today, because I had no idea she was here, she knocked on my door and demanded to speak with me. My father is totally ok with this, and its more than obvious that sooner or later he will be giving a key back to her- the person who wished him to be dead, that has threatened him and has yes, taken over 100,000 dollars from him and is asking for even more.

This is the person my father wishes to have around the family...and I cant do it anymore. Im literally afraid of being in this house right now while she is here-my mother wont speak up, and as an adult, this isnt my home, but I live here- what the heck am I supposed to do, legally? My father has bascially sacrificed my security, my mother's and his own to someone who has a history of violence because M has appeased him with lies, and nice words (my father is...not exactly the greatest person- he's been abusive to my mother in the past and has anger issues still- what he likes most is someone appealing to his ego).

Im at the end of my rope...I feel like reason, logic and sanity have gone out the window and Im left here wondering what the hell Im going to do. It goes without saying that my father going against his word hurts me deeply, and that I almost like he's chosing to give into M's demands just to keep her from calling 100 times a day...and that thats more important that my family's safety. Theres absolutely no reasoning with him either, because if you disagree with him, you are disrespecting him, and trust me, Im an opinionated person and have tried- been blunt, been honest. Nothing is getting through. I know this is totally a vent but its like- this is the insanity I got away from when I was living on my own- the best I can fathom is getting a really good job and moving out as soon as I can....but honestly I wont lie, its gonna be really hard, because I really need to save up by living at home right now.

Any legal recourse, or even some kind words would be appreciated. And to those with absolutely nutty families-I actually hope my story makes you feel better.

Thanks

* When I say altercation- I mean as in she blew up and threatened to "get rid of me" verbatim- and I called the police on her...theres a post about it somewhere on here.

@julies1949: You could say that- its sad because my father actually convinced me to move back and said that the whole M* thing wouldnt be a problem...it was turning really ugly a few years ago with her, and its one of the main reasons I moved out

Those are actually some really good ideas- except my SO also lives at home at the moment- also trying to save money as well, and honestly his family cant afford someone I think living with them (his older brother just moved back in due to his own issues).

Im honestly just hoping that I can find some sort of legal recourse so that she has to leave me alone and keep some distance from me- even an arrangement between the family, the police and Victim Services or something-just so I can save up cash to get out- thats the reality of the situation. I've applied to alot in the last week (fulltime) so Im really hoping that this isnt a completely insane plan to have?

Im not even going to get into the whole wedding business- thats pretty much gone too if he gives her a key to the house...because theres no way I would want her at the wedding/no way he would then agree to help us with the wedding- which means SO's parents would be baring the brunt of it...and if I think about it in detail now, my head will probably explode.

Thank you though, I appreciate your suggestions and I will definitely look into them.

@Mrs.tobe: Yeah, thats what Im going to look into. Well you know...its like I feel like I cant be angry- like somehow it would be "Wrong" for me to be angry about this...but I am, I really really am. He's totally disregarding my safety and that of my mother (though its obvious he never really worries about her wellbeing that much) but if he doesnt care about us, then you know theres the reasoning that his money (which he prizes a great deal) would also be lost because shes demanded about 17,000 dollars again for her school....did I mention shes been doing a BA for nearly 10 years? shes 35 years old :S.

I just want someone to tell me its ok for me to be angry at this, thats really what I want.

@Mrs.tobe: no I cant- Fido doesnt offer that for some insane reason! Trust me, I have done the leg work :(

My plan is almost up anyways, so Im going to be changing soon..maybe I should play hardball with them and say I will switch to Bell if they dont block her number :S

oh my gosh, it sounds like your dad is scared of her, himself. I'm really sorry you are going through all of this :( I agree with Julies1949, a live in nanny position could benefit you. Just anyway to get away from her :( I wish I had something insightful to say but I don't--but I am here to listen (or read) I hope things get better, fast. *hugs*

I just spoke with my father- he says its his house and shes allowed to be here when he is...even though she violated my space today- I was point blank with him about everything and he didnt say anything....he's been drinking obviously....*sigh*. Most of alll....he said he hasnt given the key to her yet...but that he's "undecided" about whether or not he wants to give it to her...yes, the person who has threatened to off me, and him...he wants to give a key to so she can come and go and be here whenever she can be....

@Mrs.tobe: I plan on doing that tomorrow- but I feel like the phone is the least of my worries after my talk with my dad.  I want to scream, but I think I did that whole "be firm, but really be screaming at the top of your lungs in your head" thing with my dad while I was talking to him.

@Heatherloveskenny: He is, but to prove to himself he isnt, he invites her to come over, and they fight, just so he can show her that he isnt (ego and pride and whatever is more important to him than doing the sane and stable thing). Its absolute lunacy- he invites trouble just so he can prove to himself he's not afraid of her.  Thanks for letting me vent, I just cant handle this stuff right now...but thankfully at least Im not in school right now

I suggest that you put the word out that you are looking to rent a room.  I personally did it for years before me and my FI moved in together.  This way you will feel safe and you don't have to take legal recourse. 

I understand when you have uncontrollable siblings living in the same house.  Sometimes to keep the peace, you just have to bite the bullet and move out.

Good Luck!!!!

Parents will rarely want to face the truth and admit one of their children, especially if she's the oldest,is mental ill. I know from experience. They choose to coodle them, excuse their poor behavior or just check out rather than to deal with the reality.

Everything I'm about to say please don't think i'm being harsh or snarky. Your story differs from mine in many details but I still understand exactly what your going through. But  the truth is you don't need kind words right now, you need a reality check.

The same thing I told you months (from anotehr post about you sister) still ago applies now.  Accept people (and situations) for what  they are, not who you want them to be. The bigger issue here is to me isn't your dad or your sister, its actually you.

Why didn't you know make yourself the priorityy? Why did you believe what he told you, when you in your heart you it would work out in the long run? I ask you this not to bash you. I'm asking you because until you get your head right, you just continue to play into their nonsense. (I had to learn this lesson myself)

You wrote;this is the insanity I got away from when I was living on my own- the best I can fathom is getting a really good job and moving out as soon as I can....but honestly I wont lie, its gonna be really hard, because I really need to save up by living at home right now.

So at some point you were safely away from them, but you lied to yourself, and used the "savings" excuse to go back into the lions den. So I hope that you see you, arent a helpless victim. [I also backed peddled for years and felt like gerbal in wheel just spinning, trying negoatiting my family's dysfunctional ways. I wasted YEARS of potential calm because I kept repeating the same patterns with my family but expecitng diffrent results and would then get frustrated with them. Time and again. They made it clear that they w/couldn't change. So I ask you, who was really crazy, them or me? My first reality checks was a friend said to me, after years of complaining about my sister, she didn't want to hear about yet again because "If you were really that tired of it, you would do something about it!" and she was 100% right. I got so comfortable playing the "poor me, and my crazy family card" that I refused to stand up for myself because, in reality it would be harder being on my own. 

It took a life altering event to shake me up, I mangaged to quickly move out within 4 weeks after YEARS of stalling. I worked 1FT job and 2 PT gigs to afford living on my own. It was exhausting but the peace of mind was priceless. And I never looked back. I learned there is simply no negoation with crazy/mental illness. If family isn't willing to be honest and proactive in dealing with the issues at hand, then you have to totally remove yourself from it ASAP.

Stop making excuses, because at this point thats all it is. If your serious about regaining your sanity, you won't list all the hurdles to moving out, you will get really resourceful and just do itOtherwise, the truth is your just as crazy as them if you continue to willingly particpate in this foolishness.

I wish you the best and promise you that what you going thru now is the hardest part. Once you find a way it gets easier.

@bklynbridetobe: I totally understand why you are saying what your saying and its exactly how my other sister (who I am close to) said it too. It really is an all or nothing situation, and when I talked to SO today (because in reality, this is his future too) he totally agrees that we must find a way in the next few weeks to get me to a safe place and find a job. Im actually applying for a caregiver job just this second (claras? a Bee sent it to me, I didnt see her comment on here, but if she did thanks). Im not a victim- I like to think Im a survivor, and that honestly? I totally take full responsibility for chosing to get back into the fray when I moved back- I trusted a man who has perpetually lied to me my entire adult and child life. Thats all on me- Its just a matter of getting what I need- I think the child care position is an excellent idea, and apparently the call backs on this claras place is 1-2 days...and I actually have experience working with children plus higher education. I would be an ideal canadiate and I think I could offer alot to these kids. That said, dont worry, Im the last person to give myself excuses to stay- my father actually EXPECTS me to do that- he totally called my bluff and said I would jsut have to deal with it (yeah thats nuts). The immediate plan? SO is talking with me about finding a place together, living with his family (which would be the hardest solution in reality because of space) or finding a position like the nanny one where its two birds with one stone. I cant be crying, or angry right now- I simply dont have the time, thats the reality of the situation- Im also planning on looking into a personal injuction (our Canadian version of a restraining order) to see if that is in any way feasible.

Theres alot of great advice here- Im not one of those OPs that hears one thing and it comes out the other way- I take you ALL very seriously, appreciate the time and experiences you share, and the advice more than anything- I wouldnt be irresponsible enough to let you waste your breath on me if I wasnt going to do something about the situation- I just dont roll like that, but Im glad you were upfront about me and honest. Thats incredibly valuable.

@andielovesj: I have been in couselling this year actually for my family issues- they popped back pretty quickly after I moved back- thats totally on me though. Im more than ready to finally push my butt and make a clean break from all this crap- after a while, you just have to.

@historienne: Im going to look into that for sure- the DV file on my family is pretty huge, as is the one for my sister (we have had family DV issues for a very long time)- so seeking councel shouldnt be too hard I think? Im not quite sure where that would be tho- part of the RCMP? Family Services? I will look it up, probably will need it if this personal injuction thing pans out.

@julies1949: I will definitely take that advice- thank you!

@MissHoneyBun: *hugs* :) sometimes thats just the best thing in this situation

@Evie19: Thanks love- I am in councelling at the moment (I have been since about december)

Good to hear Bella. I know all about parents expectations. I have a laugh when think about what was expected of me, the freaking youngest. I allowed myself to be manipulated numerous  times. I tried to find away to make it work, it never did. Once my mother died, so many family members expected me to continue to put up with my siblings mess, they had a rude awakening. As far as i'm concern, if a parent wants to tolerate the sick child's behavior, I can give them a pass only because I know a moms/dad's love is unconditional. So its understandable why have a soft spot for their sick kids. But to ask us the brothers/sisters to take on is not fair.

One of my best friends was in a similar situiton with a mentaliy ill sibling. He used to live with his two sisters (one whose mental ill, the other is just a slacker). The oldest sister is the mental ill one, but she has a degree yet refuses work. She does suffer from social anxiety and host of other issues. But is  she on meds, no and they don't see anything wrong with it. She does nothing for her elderly parents, not even basic things like grocery shop.

So they work around it, they do everything for her and put huge pressure on my friend to help them to pick up for both of his sisters short comings. She curses at them. So for  few years now he moved out, but his parents, they expect when they pass on, that he should pick up where they left off, and finacially support her or possibly move back in to the crazy house. "She's your sister, you have to help her, you know  she can't do XYZ". Some parents will always want to healthier sibling to make all the conessions and work around the crazy one. 

Its laughable, sometimes you really gotta laugh at some point. Because is its so out there, people think your making shit up and if they only knew all the details that we leave out. Your in my thoughts, stay strong remember to laugh. 

@bklynbridetobe: Thank you for sharing that :) I'll keep your words and advice in my mind