- 4 years ago
- Wedding: March 2012
I have been fighting serious mental conflict over the last 6 months since my baby girl was born, and finally with things seeming to feel worse with more time passing – I have made an appointment with a general practitioner to talk about my anxiety and depression that has surfaced.
I have put it off for longer than I really should have out of shame, embarrassment, and honestly denial. I also was treated for depression when I was around 14 or 15, after my mother left our family and refused contact for a few years VERY spontaneously (nobody knew she was leaving, but she left my dad with tens of thousands in unpaid bills he thought he had paid – she spent the money on herself – long story)
When I was previously treated for my depression, I remember the particular medication did not seem to help. I am afraid it made things worse. I would have thoughts often about what the world would be missing if I were gone to put it lightly. I understand sometimes it takes work to find the RIGHT treatment, but I have a lot of anxiety about going through a similar experience, or feeling like “what if nothing helps, and I remain feeling this way?” if that makes sense.
Some of my symptoms and feelings are as follows
A really traumatic labor/birth experience that has left me in fear, I have not been able to move past it
MANY feelings of inadequacy. Pretty much on a daily basis for months, usually to do with breastfeeding – to the point of obsession on how much and how often she ate, stressing over not producing enough, not doing things right, the pain involved. Feelings of not doing enough for the baby or my husband, and now my milk supply is almost diminished and I feel crushed that I did not make it to my goal of 6mo.
We went through many years of fertility treatments TTC, intimacy was not always as beautiful as it should be (lots of scheduling) and I have not been able to get back to a place that I am comfortable being intimate after giving birth.
I am having many feelings that I know just aren’t true, but I can’t get past – that my husband doesn’t want to be around me, or loves me less, or wants to do things more than be around me or the baby. Honestly he hasn’t given me a reason to feel this way.
I usually spend anywhere between 1-3 hours after I lay in bed at night, stressing over the days events or worrying about how good of a mother I will be and hoping that I will be better than my own and that I can have a good relationship with my daughter in the future. This prevents me from getting to sleep at a decent time.
I am looking for advice or encouragement, and interested to hear how if you experienced something similar did seeking treatment make a big difference?
I can say my relationship with my daughter is amazing and hasn’t suffered. I never get tired of being around her and watching her grow and learn. My anxiety seems to be very self centered.