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That wasn't covered at all in ours, nor was touching... Most sessions are supposed to be about a topic and then should allow you to discuss further privately between you two. If there is something about the hosting couple that was uncomfortable, I'd report it to the Marriage Office in your diocese. I've done so before after seeing postings on other sites (not WB) about classes that taught about anti-catholic AND anti-Christian principles. They were grateful to know what was going on in the class.
That being said, I think they're mainly referring to the couples where one submits and never voices their opinion and it's a one sided street, or if the couple doesn't dialogue at all with each other. If you disagree with something and can work it out in a calm manner consider yourself blessed.
We didn't fight for about two years straight. We were still in that "crazy in love, the other person can do no wrong" stage. We'd get in little tiffs, rooted in serious issues and non, but didn't fight besides that.
It wasn't until we had really serious life changes come up that we start to fight (talking about where to move, apply to schools, some personal issues, etc) and I think we learned a lot through that. We don't fight seriously often - I can't think of the last real fight we had, but it's been a few months. But it is important to fight sometimes - you just have to wait for something important enough to fight over. It'll come, and you'll work through it, and you'll make your relationship stronger. It just takes longer for some people, and by no means does that mean you have less of a relationship.
I don't think your nuts. It sounds like you're both communicating effectively which is what people are constantly striving for. That being said, I'm not sure that its realistic to think you'll never argue. Not that you feel that way, I'm just speaking in general. I recall a woman I used to work with, she'd been married to her husband for 10 years, together for 17 and she claimed they'd never ever argued or had any disagreements. That to me is nuts, it makes me think that one of them isn't expressing themselves. It doesn't seem possible to me that any two humans can spend that much time together, go through all that life throws at you and never even disagree.
I think that is only true if in fact you don't have open communication (which is probably often the case when people don't fight). I don't think fighting is necessary to have open communication, it is just often closely related! If you guys share everything you are feeling and don't fight that is GREAT! celebrate it!
Thanks, guys!
@KLP2010 Yeah, it was just very awkward. The couples were really nice, but the approach was little off for me, at least in the sense that "no fighting equals a bad relationship". Perhaps they should have changed fighting into communicating, since everyone communicates differently.
@lilyfaith Yes, definitely, and it's ok for that to happen sometimes and I'm definitely not going to say that we won't have those issues at one point or another but like I said to the other poster, I think they need to think about what they say and maybe use a word different than fighting. We kind of both shrugged it off but when we said that we rarely argue a few of the other couples exchanged glances and kind of chuckled. Seriously? Not everyone needs to scream at the top of their lungs to get a point across or to solve a problem. Oh well, we did get through it, our certificate in hand.
FI and I have been together over two years and are past that "crazy in love" stage and our relationship sounds to be just like yours.
We definitely have our "tiffs" here and there but like you said, it's usually resolved within 20 minutes-we definitely have never gone to bed mad.
So no, I don't believe there's anything at all wrong with your relationship, you are very blessed to have good communication and similar qualities!
I think that's a little strange...not everybody fights in that manner. I know we disagree but we don't scream/belittle/hit/throw fits/etc
When i think of fighting, I think of a disagreement that has gotten out of hand. Somebody ends up storming out, slamming doors, throwing something, screaming, yelling, saying things you regret, etc.
I agree with KLP that they're probably referring to the relationships where one person is SO submissive that there are never any disagreements because they just go along with everything.
You could argue that a disagreement IS a fight on some level though. A very calm level.
I've brought up money a couple times with my husband the last 2 days (there's a very long post about it floating around) and he said like, two things that were inflammatory. Now, I easily could've gotten all pissed off at what he said and it EASILY could've accelerated into a nasty fight. What he said wasn't cool and it just didn't sit right with me. BUT, instead of flipping out, I said was, "wow that was inensitive of you to say" and he said, "yeah you're right. I mean this....". But as soon as the words came out of his mouth I got a little riled up. I could have snapped at him, but I know it does no good so I phrased something calmly. IMO, we're having a disagreement not a fight. To me, a fight implies something out of hand.
Oh, yeah, I totally agree it was out of line for them to say that. Sorry, I meant to put that in! :P
@jennifer_espos Haha, yeah of course, I have no doubts that we won't have problems down the road but we are pretty good at nipping things in the bud pretty quickly. Everyone disagrees it's the way they handle that disagreement that counts. Thanks!
@Janna19 I've definitely seen some of those cases as well, one person just stays quiet and lets the other kind of run the show, that can be hard. That kind of walking on eggshells is something I find to be really uncomfortable and uneasy. Thank you!
Honestly, it sounds like you and your Fi didn't really benefit from that part of your Pre-Cana because your relationship is already a little beyond the scope of the class. You already know the rules to "healthy" or "fair" fighting and how to resolve your disagreements quickly and efficiently. If you feel that your communication style is working, that's really the important part. Like KLP said, Pre-Cana classes are meant to give you topics and discussion points to talk about with your partner; you already have this part worked out, so their comments don't necessarily apply to you (even though it might've come off as personally offensive). Maybe the other couples in your class just felt a little defensive since you two are obviously beyond their skill level in this topic. :)
I know there were parts of our Pre-Cana that I just thought, "Eh, this isn't an issue for us." We did our classes with one other couple, and a porton of our classes was directed at the two of them resolving some differences over faith (the woman was Catholic, the man was not). My husband and I are both Catholic, so those specific topics didn't apply to us. We discussed our feelings and understandings of Catholicism when I converted two years ago; we didn't need to have those talks again.
@EJS- good for you for not letting it escalate, and giving him a chance to better articulate his feelings. That's really impressive, and something I could stand to work on!
@FutureMrsBaird Aw, thanks, I'm glad to hear that :)
@ejs4y8 YES! That's it, that's how they probably should have gone about talking about it. Having a fight for one couple could be an extremely different experience with another. I definitely think little disagreements could count as fights just handled in a more calm manner. Thanks so much for your input, I really appreciate it!
@lilyfaith No problem, i completely understand! :)
That is a bizarre thing to make you feel like you "should" be fighting.
Different couples handle things differntly, and I don't think it is healthy or fair to compare different relationships to one another. That being said, the FI and I have never had a big blow up fight. Never slept in seperate beds in the same house, never not spoken to eachother. And after more than 3 years and dealing with some pretty heavy emotional stuff (he has cancer), I can't see up starting that up anytome soon.
It always confuses me when people say they are "blindsided" by big problems in the relationship / divorce. I guess we just communicate openly about everything so there isn't a chance for anything to fester.Communication and honesty are definitely the key.
@littlebug, benefit of the dobut =]. Men are bad at expressing feelings. He often says things but means another! Then again, women do that, too....hahaha. "i said THIS but i mean THIS". Oye.
@Mrs. Spring Thank you!! That makes me feel a lot better! I definitely feel that some of the stuff they talked about wasn't too important to us since we had already discussed it on our own. There was a lot of talk about interfaith relationships which is also something we don't need to worry about since we are both Catholic. Thanks so much for your input :)
My husband and I have been together five years, and we always joke that we've had like two fights ever. They weren't really even fights, and I think only one resulted in me crying, but it was solved the next day and was caused by miscommunication. We were also in the very first stages of our relationship (less than a year of dating).
I think it's fine when couples don't fight. I'm not sure why anyone would say that to you.
@libra5979 I agree completely! Communication is, to me, the most important thing. Thanks so much for sharing, I'm so glad that you have been able to handle any disagreements with communication, it's nice to hear of it actually happening! :)
@Miss Chapstick I'm glad to hear that things worked out well for you :) I'm really not sure why they felt the need to say that to us, I guess they want to make themselves feel better about constant bickering? I'm not sure, that was one thing we couldn't understand why they even brought it up! Thanks!
We've been together for about 3 and a half years and never had a fight.* We both come from non-fighting families, and although we don't always agree, or can sometimes be crabby, we've never really *fought*. FH is also very conflict-averse, but is very open to talking about things, which is what we do if there is a problem, but mostly, we just seem to have smooth waters.
* ok, we've had ONE fight, and it was about (drum roll) whether David Duchovny (sp? the guy from the X-Files) was hot or not. Yes, LOL, whether he was hot or not. As you might guess, we were both *extremely* drunk. It was a pretty heated fight, too! LOL, the next morning we were both like WTF??????? teehee
That's too bad they made you feel uncomfortable. Everyone's relationship is different and some people like to have big blowups to clear the air and move on and others take it more calmly. Personally, we don't really fight either and we've been together for over 6 years now. I think we've probably had 2 or 3 real fights but they were all during the 1st three years or so and were due to miscommunication or from one or the other of us being reluctant to talk about how we felt, which then made it turn into a bigger deal. Since then, and since we're long distance most of the time, we try to talk things out before they get too big, though I'm still working on not being PA about important things. :P
Currently our main disagreement is that Mr Spin sits in the exact middle of the couch, every time, and doesn't see why I dislike it that I have hardly any room. ^_^ And he's even sitting on the crack! Sheesh.
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Sorry, this is a bit long!
A few weeks ago my fiance and I went to pre-cana, which is in short, a class that you need to take in order to get married in a Catholic church.
Most of it was OK, aside from the weird questions about how we like to be touched! haha. Anyway, there seemed to be this common theme with the main couples that were talking to us. Fighting.
They were very redundant in saying that "if you don't fight with your SO then there is something wrong with your relationship."
OK. Now, don't get me wrong, my fiance and I don't agree on everything, but after dating for almost two years we don't fight at all. Any disagreement we may have is usually solved within 20 minutes through talking, and sometimes agreeing to disagree.
Granted that's not to say that we won't have little tiffs here and there, but for them to say that "if you don't get into fights or get angry, you're not communicating enough" is a bit insulting to me. My fiance and I are VERY open about everything, money, family, careers, and so on, to the point were we don't need to fight about it because we don't keep any sort of frustrations inside.
My fiance comes from a family that was always open and honest and there was very little fighting, so he's fairly easy-going. I come from a family that openly fights and yells and makes each other miserable, and I HATE that, so I try to use what I've seen with my family and avoid that behavior.
Am I nuts? Should we be fighting? I really think it's a stupid thing for me to ask, but it's just very strange that this was one of the biggest things covered during pre-cana. Everyone has their own ways to deal with disagreements, and fighting isn't the only answer? Don't mind me, just venting.
(It's also not to say that people can't fight, I just wish they would be a little more open to those who deal with problems in a different way than what they think to be the norm.)