Post # 1
So as some of you may know, my boy has a ring. It is a ring that we designed together and picked out together, as per his request. I am super excited and cannot wait until he formally proposes.
The thing is, we are experiencing so much judgement from people for doing this together and I am really struggling to understand why! I have had people tell me that this is unromantic, that there is no surprise, that he wont get to propose how he wants to… but ultimately, this is a HUGE life decision and we chose to make it together.
I really dont understand this huge importance people are placing on it being romantic and a surprise. He will of course say lovely things when he proposes, and the day he picks will be a surprise, but prior to this happening, we have had lots of serious discussions about the best time to get married, our ideas of what marriage is, how we want our parents involved… Isnt that what you are meant to do before you take the plunge? Make sure you are both on the same page?
I would be interested to know if anyone else has experienced any judgement along these lines?
Post # 3
@CupcakeLove: I experienced this from one of my best friends. It was like she was so uncomfortable with the idea that we picked out the ring together she was just in shock and speechless. Not exactly the reaction I was looking for, but she isn’t going to be wearing the ring on her finger for the rest of her life and I will!!! I had fun picking out rings with him, so if only she knew what she would be missing out on!
Post # 4
*raises hand* I’ve been told the same things as you have – some of the comments have been from our own friends. It has been usually a variations of “It won’t be as romantic”, “It’s meant to be a surprise” and my personal “favourite”, “It’s not how you are supposed to do it.”
To be honest, I don’t have the time or energy to pay much attention to any of it. They can think what they want about this aspect of our relationship because there are aspects of their lives that I don’t agree with/care for and I have the tact to hold my tongue lol. But at the end of the day, it’s between the SO and I and as long as we are happy with how we are approaching this, then that’s all that matters. Plus I’ve always loathed the idea that I’m supposed to follow some sort of life template just because of society’s expectations – it’s called free will. I can choose to do what I like as long as it doesn’t cause harm to anyone else lol
To be fair, I’ve also had people applaud the fact that we are making the decision to get engaged together. My friend just got engaged last night and she and her now fiance talked about it, went shopping for a ring together, she chose her own ring. The proposal was unexpected though but really making the choice to get engaged together does not and will not diminish a couple’s happiness.
Post # 5
Oh darling, are you in for some FUN if you do decide to have a wedding!
It’s not fun when people react with judgment, but in the end, it’s your relationship, your engagment, your life. If this is the route that works for you and makes you happy then who cares what everyone else thinks?
Post # 6
@CupcakeLove: Fortunately I haven’t had a lot of this… but it’s more because we’ve been together over 4 years and for most friends/family, it’s more like… let’s just get this show on the road! My own mother picked out her ring with my dad, and he bought it at a later date and proposed…. my mom thought he was going to propose on a trip but before a dinner with family… but when he didn’t, she thought it wasn’t going ot happen.. and naturally the next day it did! She was still surprised, hadn’t seen the ring since she picked it out, and I don’t recall her ever mentioning that she got flack for it.. and this was the early 80s. I personally think that if someone is that upset about the way he goes about proposing (and this person is NOT in the relationship) they are not true friends. Good grief. If i didn’t talk to my SO about what ring I liked, the type of proposal I would expect (i.e. not PUBLIC!!), he probably wouldn’t propose for another 5 years hahahaah.
Post # 7
I really only heard anything from one of my single friends and she was so shocked that I didn’t let FH pick out the ring himself and that we didn’t have the perfect romantic movie kind of proposal. But I know FH better than anyone else, and it worked out perfectly for us.
Some people have these ideas of how a proposal should be, but that’s now how it works for everyone.
Post # 8
My FH picked the ring out himself, kept it a secret (what it looked like, not that he had it — I got a promise ring YEARS before the e-ring, so I knew it was coming & when he bought it), and our proposal still wasn’t movie-worthy (FH…isn’t very good at planning sometimes). So just tell all those naysayers that this is what you wanted, and it’s perfect for you!
Post # 9
@CupcakeLove: I am so on your side with this one. Why shouldn’t both of you have a say in this huge purchase? Why isn’t picking out the ring together a romantic project? And why does all of that mean that he can’t still propose?
We did it the same way you did, and it was romantic as hell. It was perfect 🙂
Post # 10
Thanks all – I personally dont think the way we are getting engaged is any kind of controversial, nor is it a new concept! Having read that many engagement stories on here I always thought that there are a million ways to get engaged and the couple choses what works best for them!
I am just surprised that our friends who know what my boy is like would be surprised that he would want help in this decision. I could have sent him off on his own to pick a ring, but he would have gotten completely overwhelmed. He did actually start off down that track and talked to his guy friends but realised that the ring was a big expensive decision that ultimately, he didnt want sole responsibility for.
I know our friends mean well and there isnt maline in their words… they just seem genuinly shocked that it wont be a surprise.
Post # 11
@crayfish: Thanks! And yes, the day we went to meet the jeweller was wonderful. We had a breakfast date, looked at some rings and this moment of “WOW, we are doing this!”
We then went to try on the custom setting before the diamond was put in to check the sizing, and he chose to take me the day I got back from a work trip overseas. We hadn’t seen each other in a week and were so excited to be around each other again.
Both times were lovely and we were giddy with excitement!
Post # 12
There is always the thought that the guy has to decide on the ring ALL by himself and we cant help or give our opinion or anything. I’ve had some weird looks that we have even been ring shopping together. But honestly, i want to love my ring. How am i suppose to know what i like if i dont try some on?
Who cares what they think. HE wanted your help and you gave it. End of story. They can stuff it.
Post # 13
I actually got the opposite reaction. People were impressed that he took me to the jeweler to let me pick out my own ring.
Post # 14
Me and my SO just went ring shopping together and he bought the ring with me there. He wanted me to pick out something that I loved since I would be wearing it the rest of my life! We actually picked out his ring too while we were there. I’m sure there is always going to be someone out there to judge the way we do things, but in the end if it makes us happy, then that is what we are going to do!
I say congratulations on moving forward in your realtionship and can’t wait for the proposal story!!
Post # 15
The “complete suprise” proposal has never worked for me. It was always very important to me that we had talked about marriage to ensure we were on same page, as well as talked about our expectations and so forth. My husband and I both had enough life experience by then to believe and know such open communication was important to us both.
The proposal itself still ended up being spontaneous! We were both surprised it happened as it did, but not at actually being on the same page about marriage. You think you get looks, imagine hearing people (not people close to us) say things like you are not engaged without a ring and he cannot be serious without it, haha. Somehow we still ended up married a couple months later without a ring…hmm. Amazing for not being engaged or serious! I have also picked out all my rings since. We are a pretty untraditional couple though so did not really care what others thought, ha ha.
People often have certain ideas of “how things should be done”. Anything outside that norm rattles them. Do not let it get to you. It is your life to live. I tend to have cared less about others expectations for me the older I have got which is good since I do whatever I want now anyway. It is freeing!
Post # 16
How old are these people? If they are adults, then they should know that this is absolutely none of their business. I’m not sure why any further consideration is required.
That being said, I only told a very small number of people when we went ring shopping. We saved the big announcement for the day the ring was ready.
The best way to set yourself up for disappointment is to have arbitrary expectations for your life. Princess fairytales about proposals and weddings often fall into this category. If you have a great relationship, then that’s all that matters. Your ring is just gravy. (Well, hopefully it’s sparklier than gravy, but you get the idea!)