Post # 1
Our wedding is 3 months to go and over the weekend, we had the biggest argument in our 6 years of relationship, where he said to me that he had to think about whether or not to go ahead with the wedding.
To cut the long story short, it was a mixture of problems with our communication in recent months, lack of intimacy and we had a few drinks. We also had moved away from our home to a different country for the past 18 months and he didn’t spill out all his problems until that night, which included the lack of social circles and that he said I don’t bring him happiness anymore.
As you could imagine, I was in a really disturbing place and tears just kept streaming down my face. He just sat there and he even said to me there is obviously something wrong because he just sat there and didn’t come over to comfort me. So we slept in different rooms and he said he needed time to think it over. All I could do that early hours in the morning was to cry my heart out, preparing myself by expecting the worse and all sorts of scenarios went through my head about how to cancel the wedding and how to pick up my life again. I also didn’t know how long it would take for him to think it over, so I felt like I was on death row waiting for D-day.
As we ended the conversation at 4am, 3 hours later he said to me that he can’t live without me and that he is sure that he wants to go ahead with getting married.
Is this what they call pre- wedding jitters, or is it something much more serious? We’ve had a few smaller fights recently before this massive fight where we really couldn’t communicate properly, so we both have now agreed that we seriously have a communication problem and we agree to see a marriage counsellor. But I am now worried that by seeing a professional might make one of us, or both of us realising that we aren’t right for each other and with 3 months to go where a lot of family and friends have already bought their flights and hotels etc, it isn’t just an embarrassment to call it off. But on the other hand I am now worried that with only 3 months to go, I might not be able to amend my broken heart and feel that it shouldn’t go ahead if there are still really bad feelings inside of me.
My heart has been shattered into pieces over the weekend and I am just not convinced that using the 3 hours of thinking time he could erase those words completely and that he is so sure that nothing will go wrong again in the future. I can’t help by feeling that I am walking on a tight rope for the rest of our lives together, worrying about when he will say those words again and perhaps there is no going back next time.
Is this a really bad situation when it’s 3 months to go? Is it amendable given the tight timescale?
Post # 3
I think you should go to counselling despite wether or not it indicates that you should call off the marriage. Would you rather go through the marriage and have fights similar to this? Or find the source of the disagreements and fix it, which in turn, may fix the rest of the problems (and help you guys handle future situations).
You guys have been together for this long, and even though I do not know you guys, I feel that you stayed together for a reason and according to you, you’ve had no problems up until now. It could be the wedding jitters! Perhaps it’s the move and the new enviornment.
But definitely work on your communication…that is key to a relationship. If you both are willing to work on it, I believe that it can work itself out before the wedding. My Fiance & I are on session 2 of the premarital counselling and we both love it. It’s teaching us how to communicate better (believe me, I thought we were pros at it because our whole relationship is a LDR. but even then, we still find new ways to communicate better).
Have you done a love language test? He says you don’t bring him hapiness anymore…I don’t believe that just happens out of no where. See what love languages you guys are and start appealing to that!
Post # 4
I think you should go to counseling to help you two communicate better on a day to day basis. It sounds like normal pre-wedding jitters, but held in and then blowing up in a really hurtful, destructive way.
Post # 5
@PeachyKiwi: Thanks for your kind words, I have just Googled the Love Language test, but I dont’ think I am relaxed enough to take the test right now as I am still very upset from the whole thing. But I’ll definitely look into this and have already researched about finding a good marriage counsellor and have some sessions to work things out, as we obviously need help and need to learn new ways to communicate better.
Post # 6
@11112hkwedding: I am sorry you are going through this so close to your day. I definately think you should speak to someone. We went through marriage councilling twice (seperate religions) and we found it helpful. I see that you wrote about it being embarrassing to call off if needed, but it is much more important that you make the right choice for you both. It is much better to talk about these things now than after the wedding. Good luck!
Post # 7
Thanks all for your advice. I am going to go ahead with marriage counselling and have found a good one who has some positive recommendations from various web sites over here.
But she won’t be back from holiday until late August. Does it matter of how urgently you go and see them after the massive “event”?
Post # 8
@11112hkwedding: Hm…does she use a website for a guide in her counselings? My Fiance and I are doing marriage counseling by ourselves bc we aren’t in the same country so my pastor let us do this on our own, and once he gets here we’ll meet with my pastor in person and review everything/talk about how it went (we’re doing marriage 101 online). Maybe you could explain your situation and that you would really like to start SOMETHING urgently, so if she has any recommendations as to an alternative until late August or will let you begin it now, I would definitely do it before getting married.
Post # 9
See a therapist. Someone who can see you soon, not at the end of August. If this is just jitters, you’ll have peace of mind and will feel more secure in your marriage. If it’s not meant to be, you’ll find out sooner rather than later so your guests can change their travel plans. I know you said that would be an embarrasment, but better they change their travel plans than you go through years of unhappiness and a divorce.