- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Money is a big issue for me. I'm on the other side of the fence though. I'm the one with a bit of credit card debt (to be paid off in November!!!), and it was a huge deal for me to "come out" about it to Boyfriend. We started talking about building a house together (and will do so this fall) and I felt that it was important that he know where I stand financially.
Was it nerve-wracking? Yes. Was I embarassed to reveal my financial situation (credit card debt done in November, paid off my car in July, only will have school loans left) to Boyfriend, who is really good with money? Yes. Was it important that I communicate this to him? ABSOLUTELY.
Finances are a leading cause of divorce. I think the best thing you can do is communicate. Tell him how you feel. Tell him your fears. Show him where you're at financially, and ask him if he's comfortable doing the same to you. You don't have to combine finances, but I think it's totally acceptable to want to be aware of how the other person handles finances and what your expectations of each other are.
And congratulations to you for being in such an excellent financial situation!!! GL!
I definetly think you need to talk to him about it. It's probably hard for him to be on the other end of this, it can hurt a guy's self esteem to have the woman foot all the bills, which could be why he hasn't brought it up. But no good will come out of it if you don't tell him how you're feeling.
I think CHK gave some great insight and advice. I would add in that you might want to meet with a financial planner together. A financial advisor would be able to look at your total, combined financial status and direct you toward a long-term plan to accomplish your goals together. It might make the conversation a little easier by having someone direct you back toward teamwork instead of focusing the conversation mainly on one person's financial decisions. Good luck!
I agree. You need to talk about it. Try and remember when you were in debt, it's not something your proud of. He might be embarrassed to admit this. After all, most men like to imagine themselves as the providers in the family. The issue won't go away if you don't talk about it. Good luck.
You definitely have every right to be concerned about his finances and it IS your business. Once married, his debt will be yours. If you feel like this would be a hard conversation to have, hard to avoid it turning into a fight, etc I suggest either talking to a thearpist or even going to a finanical planner together where you can discuss, together, your future goals and expectations in terms of finances, purchases, etc.
I think if you are going into the dicussion aware that it could trigger a major fight, you can be proactive about avoiding it. There is no question that it is your business. This is your future, your money, your marriage, and on the day you get married (unless you have a prior agreement otherwise) it will be your debt. It doesn't need to be angry or confrontational or condescending. I think you can just say "Honey, I've been thinking about the car payment stuff and I think we should talk about finances." That discussion can include current circumstances, wedding budgets, and future education/house/money management plans.
I am the significantly younger person in our marriage and occasionally I get upset when if feels like he speaks to me as if I am the teenager and he is the parent (even though I make more money!!). I think aproaching the question as "we are a partnership, we need to make deicisons together," avoids that. On the flip side, you should be open to accepting his imput and opinions about your finances and spending.
A word of advice on financial planners. There are plenty of legitimate planners who may be of help. However, many generate their incomes not only from fees, but also from kickbacks for steering clients to certain investments. So research carefully.
Its very important to discuss finances before you get married. I was the one in debt and my FH actually had been through paying debt because his first marriage she ruined everything and simply walked away with out paying a dime. Being that situation we made sure to put things on the table. So much so, we have (jointly) reduced my credit card debt to one last card from about 10. I say jointly because I am in law school and although I work it wasnt enough for me to get it down - however, FH knows how much I work and obviously will be making money in the future - which Im on the right track towards my career,etc. He has helped alot however he knows its for the best for both of us - now with credit cleaned up with can include me on our future house and perhaps get first time buyer credit - since he already has a house.
Finances has a lot to do with people getting divorced. We are very open about our finances however plan to continue to keep separate accounts when we marry to understand we continue to be responsibile for our finances individually as well as a couple.
Its seriously a talk you should have in depth before moving towards marriage.
Don't shy away from talking about it, just because you aren't married. You are making financial decisions independently that will affect both of you. Communication is the only way you will be able to avoid resentment (or at least in theory it should). December is not that far away and perhaps now is the perfect time to discuss how bills and paying them on time will be handled. How each person will contribute to your joint finances, etc. It does sound like you will be bearing a lot of the finances until he gets out of school, but he should know not to make promises he can't keep (like helping with wedding costs).
He needs to understand that managing finances does not happy without planning and forethought - perhaps because you have learned to handle it well, he doesn't think it's that big of a deal - and therefore just goes with the flow.
And, even if it's a rocky conversation in the beginning, you will figure out a compromise that works for both of you. But don't be scared to have it!
All the ladies above have some good points.
Definitely talk. It is "your business" because it WILL be your business. And if he has bad credit and you guys get a credit card together, your finances and ratings could go down, too.
Better to tackle the issue at hand together before it gets out of control.
Also, what's his take on you being the breadwinner? Some guys have serious issues with this and he may feel too embarassed to talk to you about it, hence his "sweep it under the rug" attitude or dealing with it afterwards instead of before. Being proactive is key. Maybe take him to a financial responsibility seminar or take a long hard look at his finances and help him figure them out.
You should never be left out of the dark. If you were just his girlfriend, that'd be one thing, but you're getting married! Good luck!
Thanks everyone.
We've been texting since lunch (I'm not allowed to have personal phone calls at work, but strangely, they don't mind text messages. Go figure.) He said he contacted his bank and the car loan bank, and there was a mixup...his payment was made, just not posted correctly. He also let it slip that he wanted me to remind him to pay his student loan payment next week...and I wasn't aware he had a student loan. So, yeah...I told him we needed to have the big money talk soon.
I'm not comfortable with a financial planner. I'm good with my money, but it's always just been me. I realize I am going to have to make some major changes too, as I've been accustomed to buying whatever I needed/wanted without having to check with anyone.
I have talked to my best friend since we got engaged, and they use the system that I've seen a lot of bees use...they each have a seperate checking account which they allocate an equal amount to each month. The rest of their paychecks go into the joint account which is used for monthly bills and loan payments. I hadn't really thought seriously about what we would do...but reading the comments from bees and with these recent events...I'm going to bring that up to him, to see what he thinks about it. With our money being pooled together, but with seperate "play" money, I think that may help prevent any "you spent how much on ?" fights.
@ sjbee - Thank you for pointing that out. I don't want to come across that way, so I will be sure to approach it as what is best for us and what we both need to do in order to make the finances in our marriage a joint and equal partnership. I am completely open to anything he has to say ro recommend ways to reduce spending (unless it is about vet bills, which I know he would never question.)
I agree even though you are not married yet, it is absolutely your business. Youa re about to start a life together and I know to everyone that means something different. Some couples keep their finances separate and that is their business. Others (like me and FI) combine finances. For us, it was just much easier to put our money together, pay off all the bills whether they are from our relationship on or before and know what we have left. I will say this...as odd as I thought it would be to find someone on Weddingbee with my exact age different with my FI, I did. I am 8 years older than FI as well and he is 25. I think you need to find out his priorities. I am not saying your FI's are in the wrong place, I'm just going to give you two examples.
My FI is 25 and we combine all of our income, joint accounts, his credit card, my card, whatever...we do what we need with whoever's means we can. End of story. It works for us very well. We've completely built OUR life together and we like it that way. Yeah, I make more than him, but I also have more expense and debt than him. And when we discuss our next big purchase it is about how it benefits the family, not one or the other.
Now, I have a friend who married a year and a half a go. She is my age and he is 30. At 30, this guy will try to get her to pay for things whenever they are out, maintaining he cannot afford it, but yet has not changed anything about his lifestyle prior to getting married...he still goes out at least twice a week for leaque type activities, which involves heavy drinking. he pays almost none of the bills, literally. She pays rent and all utilities. He was in charge of cable but that got cut off and same with the water bill, so she had to take the lead. Not to mention the whole lying and second guessing when he is telling the truth especially when it comes to his finances. He would never let her see his paystub (he's been laid off now).
I consider those two very different scenarios and priorities. I think you are concerned about the second although probably not as severe as that situation. I think you just need to talk to him as uncomfortable as it might be and it may cause an argument. However, there is nothing that should be kept from a spouse "before" the marriage. Your FI could totally be telling you the truth. And he could definitely have some old debt that he is trying to keep from you. I know. It took me a while to tell my FI then bf about my debt too. A lot of it was from my previous marriage and I felt like he did NOT need to be bothered with it. Maybe your FI feels you don't need to be bothered with his debt either.
As for being proactive...I think it is mostly woman who tend to do that. and if he does have other debts, maybe he figures the longer he can postpone that one the better and he can take care of other stuff.
Good luck to you. I hope it all works out!
I agree with the ladies. The finances are your business because you are planning to getting married and you need to know what you are going to be working with come that time. I had around $5,000 in credit card debt back in January that my now fiance knew about about four months or so after we started dating. When we started talking marriage I told him I would not marry him until that debt was paid off because it wasn't fair for me to bring that to the table and he have nothing. I wanted it gone before he came along, now I really had a fire to put out under my butt if you get what I'm saying! As of this Friday it will be completely gone :) We are getting married in 13 months (he proposed back in June). Good luck!
I really appreciate you saying it's "just money" -- because as big of a deal as it is to a couple, it doesn't change who he is. It's not a judgment on who he is as a person that he makes less money or how much debt he's accumulated through reasonable living (there is some judgment here, like student loans and Honda Civic vs. gambling debt and BMW note).
The Big Money Talk is important, but try to keep it about the numbers and what can be done and what each of you expect.
mary-alice-me - Thank you for saying exactly how I feel. I don't think any less of him as a person for having debt...I had a ton of it when I was his age, so soon after college. I've just been working enough to have brought myself out of it.
I also don't think any less of him for making less money. He has an associate's degree from a 2 year college, but wants to finish to get his bachelors. His current job has nothing to do with what his associates's degree...because most places won't hire without a bachelors or multiple years experience...neither of which he has (yet).
I do not want to have the talk today...as I'm still whirling from my work problems. I let my emotions and stress from what's happening at work taint my judgement over the car payment and finances...I want to talk when I am calm and don't have 20 million other things on my mind.
Write it down! It'll help you keep your thoughts straight and keep yourself from feeling too overwhelemd
Not much else I can add here, except to say that my FI and I shared credit reports, bank statements, bills, EVERYTHING with each other. We're both encores and were in previous marriages with spouses who were not financially responsible (as well as cheaters to boot). When you are getting married, IMHO, there is no such thing as an overshare. Especially about finances.
I guess I don't really have much to add, since most of the PP's have covered the majority of the points I would have made. My FI and I have always been up-front about finances, even though neither of us has any real credit-card debt. It's just important to know exactly what you're getting into. I know you said you are not necessarily interested in meeting with a financial planner, but I feel like having a neutral third-party could really help you with getting everything sorted out without any hurt feelings on either of your parts.
I agree with what everyone else has said about talking about finances and making sure that you are on the same page, then deciding on a system for how you will manage your money together.
But I'm going to add an ugly element to the mix. This might be a really good situation for a prenuptial agreement. Yuck, I know! My fiancé and I had to have one because of a medical settlement he is paid. It was difficult and not not not fun to talk about, but I think it really was a good idea for our situation. These agreements apply not only to money you have but also to debts. Hopefully, your guy will develop mad money skills and pay off all his debts, but if not you shouldn't be held responsible.
Just one opinion. Don't hate me for saying the ugly words! And good luck!!
Along the same lines of liztwinz's comment, it might be helpful if you suggest an experiment. Each of you track your actual budget for one month--income, expenses, etc. Then talk to each other about what you find. Like his student loans, or just exactly how much $6/day on lunch adds up to. If you're both doing it, you're likely to find out things you want to change about your own spending habits too, which might make it easier to approach as something for BOTH of you.
I posted too long ago to edit my post, but Mandyrosy has a good point-we have a prenup! We were both married before to partners with fidelity and financial issues. We are each protecting our retirements, my house (in Ga, what you come into the marriage with is yours, but if significant improvements are made to property-ie: new fence, swimming pool, new roof, etc.-the judge will assign these improvements a monetary value, loosely described as "sweat equity") Neither of us wants to plan a future without the other in it, but reality can be ugly and once you've been burned, wiped out financially by an irresponsible ex, lied to, and the list goes on...you come out smarter and wiser the second time.
Read each other's credit reports!
Mandyrosy's suggestion of a pre-nup was also at the tip of my tongue. Having one doesn't mean that you can't still make a plan -- together -- about how you want to approach your finances as a couple, but it does offer you protection for all of the hard work you've put into sorting out your own debt. I don't think it's wrong in the least to look after your assets and your credit.
I grew up feeling very financially insecure. We were never on the bread line, but as a child I always felt like we were poor and I resented it. Being financially self-sufficient and comfortable enough to enjoy life, therefore, became one of the most important goals I set myself as an adult. I still struggle with my family when it comes to money. Some of them do not manage it well and have repeatedly racked up massive amounts of debt. It's become a taboo subject for us to ever discuss because I've reached the end of my rope when it comes to their financial irresponsibility.
I mention this to show how getting off on the wrong foot with financial matters can fester over the years and cause a lot of pain and anger. Do yourselves and your marriage a favor and address this openly and immediately. Maybe a financial planner isn't the best place for you to start, but a consumer credit counselor may be. Anything that facilitates an honest discussion and a joint plan for the future will serve you well.
Oh, and it's a good idea to order a credit report for both of you as well. It will help you know where you both stand, as well as state in black-and-white what each of your outstanding debts are. Important stuff to know! http://www.experian.com/
Ooooo - this is something you absolutely need to sort out before the wedding. Unfortunately, money is one of the trickiest subjects to tackle because so much emotion is tied up with it. People can view money in very different ways and so it's important to know where your life partner is coming from and for him to know where you are coming from. I really implore you to take the time to properly think out what questions you want to ask and clarify what you expect before you start a discussion. Make a specific time where you can sit down and talk about this topic specifically, without any distractions. Try not to let emotion take over - oftentimes more easily said than done, I know. It can be helpful to just decide that in the first discussion, you will both take each other's comments (maybe write them down) and not argue or debate about what is said, then take a few days to mull this over. When you've had some distance from the heat of a discussion like this you can tackle things on a more even keel and get some constructive work done.
I wish you the very best of luck with this. It will be difficult, but aren't we told that marriage will have its difficult spells too? This will be a great test of how you will tackle life's problems together. xo
I think it's imperative to talk about money and how you will spend/conjoin (if you so chose) before marriage. It's a hard talk, but like it or not, if he's engaged, then he has financial obligations not only to himself but to you as well. As long as you both sit down and discuss your pain points and what bothers you or doesn't bother you, you will be fine.
For example, my hubby and I came up with a $100 rule. If it was under $100 then we did not have to ask the other's permission to buy it. However, I've noticed since we started this rule, we are both more considerate of the other's needs and will call regardless of price on the item in question out of respect.
Ditto, the pre nup is an excellent idea in this situation. May you NEVER need it, but it can protect you.
It's like bringing a jacket to a 4th of july celebration at night. you may not need it, but if it gets cold, you'll be grateful
my analogies suck this late, sorry! just cover your own butt. if he gets defensive, well, that's a sign. Why's he so defensive? Take it in stride and make sure he understands, that's all.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
I'm engaged to be married in December. My fiance is 8 years younger than me at 25. Going into this relationship, I knew that I would bear the load of the finances. I make a little over twice his salary...but I have supported myself, so I was okay with being able to support the both of us, with his salary added in.
That brings me to today, which will probably lead to our first major fight. I had a hell of a morning at work, and he had the day off, so we planned to have lunch. I thought it would be just what I needed to calm me enough to be able to face the rest of the workday. Boy, was I wrong...
He dropped a bombshell on me. He was overdrawn on his checking account last month because he said he accidentally paid his car note twice in July. However, today, he tells me that the second payment didn't go through, so he is late on his August payment.
I asked him if I needed to cover his payment, and he said the his car loan bank hasn't called him yet to let him know he's late...so he's not going to do anything about it yet. I asked him if he thought he should be proactive and contact them first, and he said no.
What do I do? Do I step back and consider this incident none of my business and let him take care of it his way? Do I confront him again about it?
I got into heavy debt when I was in college. I worked my ass off and other than my wedding dress (which will be paid off by my parents), I no longer have any credit card debt. I'm proud of being able to support myself on my own, but now I'm worried about having to fully support him. Now I'm not sure that he isn't being upfront about his debt and I'm nervous about what I'm walking into.
He had also agreed that we would pay for our wedding, and leave our parents out of it...but two months into our engagement, he hasn't given me a penny for the wedding. He is also planning on returning to college in the spring to get finish his degree...and now I'm wondering if I'm going to end of footing the entire bill for that as well. Getting his degree would be extremely valuable for our future...but I don't think I can afford to pay the house note, my car note, the monthly bills AND his tuition.
I don't want to fight about money...because it's only money. I love him and have no doubts that I want to spend my life with him...and I don't want to end up resenting him because of money either. I don't know how to approach this without getting upset or fighting.