Weddingbee boards

So.. FI's parents want a prenup for us. While FI and I have talked a length bout our committment to each other, his parents can't ignore all the issues family members have had of people walking out on their spouses and taking $$ or leaving debt. Ultimately, I really don't care and would sign one right now. I know I'm not leaving, and if my signature gives his family extra assurance that FI is being responsible, respecting their concerns (it wasn't a demand or anything), and thinking things through, then that is fine with me.

I do have significant school loans. About a month into dating I let FI know how much I had in school loans. I told him that if my debt was a dealbreaker, he needed to make that decision then. I know how finances can impact a relationship, and the monthly payment is signficant. We talked and he agreed that we'd handle it. However now I'm having trouble consolidating my loans, and FI is stressing big time about it. without consolidating (which I've been attempting to do for months!!!) the payment makes things tight. Basically my option is to get another co-signer. (Right now it's my dad on my existing loans, but the consolidation applications make it appear he's taking on new debt, so we keep getting declined, despite there being no "new" debt). FI is refusing to cosign, stating that his parents wouldn't like it.

I had a hard time with this. I figured that if it wouldn't affect our ability to get a house, that we'd both agree to do whatever we needed to do to consolidate my loans and lower the payments. He's bringing it back to the prenup, saying that if he cosigns it will be our debt if we get divorced. He's paranoid about debt and stresses big time about it. We haven't come up with a solution yet.

Did you or your SO come into the relationship with debt? How did you handle it? Was there pressure to have a prenup? How did you handle signing or not signing a prenup?

It's tough. I know it's a combination of his parents thoughts and concerns as well as his own. And I'm not expecting him to cosign, but I guess that I thought he would consider it, based on what it will cost us if I'm unable to consolidate them. Without the consolidation, we can't really afford to buy a home.

I'm realizing, no matter how optimistic or what good intentions you have, finances are so hard to talk about. It's so tricky. He tries not to think this way, but I know there are some feelings that I didn't *need* to have as much in student loans as I do. He made it through undergrad and grad school without any loans. But I didn't commute two years, went to state school after the tuition hike, and went to a private school for my graduate degree. Sucks, but it's too late now to change it. At least I'm in a relatively stable field.

JamaicaBride - my thoughts exactly.  You two have to do what you have to do.  I have a large amount in student loans, but so does he.  It isn't an automatic thing that we'll be responsible for each other's bills, but I don't believe a pre-nup will help that.  In fact, that's another post that I didn't comment on because I don't think many agree with me.

Your money troubles aren't the trouble here.  It's your ability to take on problems together and find a solution together.  It's not his parents' place to say, really.  I mean, yes they are his parents, but no, they are not marrying him.  This is his new life with you.  The bills you have now are the bills you will have later. 

We moved in together even though he owns a business (add THAT to a money-stressed relationship and see what happens), but I don't need him to pay half of the bills.  He pays what he can afford, and I'll pay the rest.  At some point, I'll need to do the same with him.  It's all about give and take, but it's your business - not anyone else's.

It's tough. It's hard when it is so one-sided, because I feel guilty for burdening us like that (even though the guilt is from myself, mostly).

I think it's the first big financial issue for us, because it's so one sided and I came into the relationship with my debt. It's harder to talk about, because I do get a little defensive, especially when he brings his parents' oppinion into the mix. He relies on them a lot, and they've raised him not to have debt. And he tends to allude to the "it's not my debt, it's your debt" comments (not directly), which increases my defensiveness.

When it comes to financial decisions, like the wedding budget or purchasing a home, it is easier to talk about. We agree on our priorities, what we spend money on, how often we go out, etc... We even have a decent system of splitting bills and such.

I'm coming in with a six-figure student loan debt (a little from undergrad, mostly law school).  FI has absolutely no debt at all, not even a car loan or credit card debt.  So obviously a huge imbalance there.  Still, he knows down to the penny what my payments are each month, we've discussed how I'm going to pay things off, and we aren't doing a prenup.

Peyton - that's a great point.  Maybe that's all you need.  I mean, your bills aren't going to change any time soon.  Maybe the best thing you can both do is get your cards out on the table, in plain light right now and just deal with it.  It's like a band-aid.  You just have to face it, get down to brass tacks, find a solution and move forward. 

Jelly_Bean - exactly!  It was definitely like ripping off a band-aid for me.  The debt load I have is ridiculous (fortunately my salary allows me to carry the debt load), but he knew that without it, I wouldn't be a lawyer.  He also had some graduate school debt which he finished paying off several years before he met me, so he had kind of been in my shoes (he's 10 years older).  We know what kind of joint income we need to support the debt load in addition to other expenses like rent, my car, food, incidentals, my daughter's tuition, and retirement savings.  We're putting my daughter in public school next year (she's in private school now for kindergarten) which will also be a huge help.  He's completely supportive, and it's wonderful to think that I have someone who "has my back" on these things.  

My FI has one student loan which I help him pay for. Right now, he pays the rent and I pay all of our other shared bills, this keeps things pretty equal between us. I pay for my car & insurance and he pays his credit card since these are things that we don't share.

I do want to get a pre-nup before we marry though. A friend of mine just went through a divorce and having a pre-nup made it a lot quicker and easier on both parties. Of course, I know we won't need one, but then why would we be getting married unless we wanted to be together forever (and ever and ever! :). I look at it like this, it's a lot easier to get all of this straightened out now while we are speaking, then later when we aren't. 

Hope that helps!

I kind of disagree with the "his debt"/"her debt" view of things. My ex-husband was really big on the "this is mine" and "this is yours" view, and it honestly just led to problems. We fought over finances SO much.

FI and I both have school loan debt and I am also going to inherit some money later (preferably far, far in the future). Neither of us feel the need for a pre-nup. My FI and I have a very "us" view of our finances. I have no problem paying his debt and he has no problem paying mine, our focus is just going to be on paying it off as soon as possible because that is the best solution for "us" as a unit. We will also have joint checking and savings accounts. I would be really upset if FI said he wanted to keep a separate emergency fund for just in case. Our parents also have no input in this--it is not their financial future at this point in time.

Well... the idea that when you least want to talk about something is when you most need to talk about it is very true. I did not want to talk to FI about finances tonight, but i did. And it went well. We cleared up some miscommunication and talked more about how we will proceed. Thankfully, this issue is ultimately about communication (which I think I knew at heart).

We got the family issue out of the way. FI's parents have known a lot of family members that have gotten really burned by spouses who just up and left one day. FI values their oppinions and wants to make sure that he doesn't make the mistakes that they've tried to raise him to avoid. We don't completely agree, but voicing our concerns and how we felt allowed us to better understand each other and be open to finding the best solution for us as a couple.

I still don't know how we will sove our finances, but just talking about how I feel guilty for having this debt, yet defensive when I think I'm being judged or made to feel like it's "my debt".

I don't like the idea of his or mine. We are coming into our marriage as equals, as partners, choosing to accept and love the good and bad. I just wanted to make sure I felt like an equal and was viewed as an equal. Thankfully, all I had to do was voice my concerns to FI and all of the sudden we were on the same page and both felt SO much better.

I'm so lucky to have FI!!! I just have to have faith, in him, in us, but mostly in myself.