Post # 1
Ok, so…I just took my dog to the vet to have a haircute (yes, my dogs are totally more spoilt than any other dog ive met lol) anyhow, I ran into my aunty, and as usual, conversation turned to how badly I want a baby, which somehow turned into her critiquing my fincancial situation. Moving on, throughout the conversation she mentioned that I’ve always pushed for what I wanted and always got my own way…my 18th, my 21st and now my wedding – all things my dad offered to help out financially with. I feel super greatful that my dad has been able to help me out in such ways, and each and every time, I remind him that these are my wants and so I am prepared to pay for them myself, he should not feel obligated to offer money. I was talking to a friend a while ago when my dad first mentioned he would like to contribute $6000, and I was not willing to accept it because it was too much money. My friend however (she’s in her 50’s and so has more perspective than I do on these things) did mention that if he is insistent, then maybe it’s his way of being involved in the wedding and if I reject the offer, then he may feel as though I’m blocking him out. So, I said once more, do not feel obligated, we truly appreciate your offer, but please don’t feel like you have to offer us money, especially that amount! He was insistent, and so I let him agree to that amount. Move back to today, my aunty was saying how I’ve all these great things that I just mentioned, and “do you ever consider anyone else, your little brother is missing out on a big holiday because you decided to move the wedding forward. Kylie (my step-mum) has worked so hard for all that money for your wedding…” it kept going on for a couple of minutes like that. Now, I’m super upset that she thinks I am so selfish that I have not consdiered this, I feel so so so guilty that they are not going on a holiday anymore, and I’ve said that to my dad.
Now I’m thinking maybe I should say to my dad, we appreciate the offer, but have decided that we are not going to accept money from anybody for the wedding” I just feel awful, it’s something I’ve been stewing over anyway, feeling bad that they don’t get a holiday, and now my aunty has said that it has sort of tipped me over the edge a bit.
Any advice bees? Am I taking this too hard? Or am I, in fact, being blidnly selfish?
Post # 3
@AlmostMrsShield: You are hearing this news about your brother missing out on a holiday second-hand from your aunt. You are not hearing this directly from your brother, and you are not hearing this directly from your dad. You need to base your decisions on facts, so make sure you get your facts straight directly from the people involved, and not from your aunt.
I would check in with your dad about what you heard from your aunt to find out if it is true. If he wants to give you a gift of $6K, or anything for that matter, that is his gift and you should be gracious and accept it. If he wants to give your brother a holiday, he can do that. It is his choice to give as he so chooses
Then, the next time your see your aunt, DON’T TALK TO HER ABOUT FINANCES. It is NONE of her business. Change the subject, smile and say you’re grateful for her concern and then talk about something ELSE.
Post # 4
@AlmostMrsShield: Your dad wants to do this for you. It’s none of your aunt’s business. It’s not her money. Besides, a daughter’s/sister’s wedding is more important than one holiday! They can do that every other year. This generous gift is between your father and you. Don’t let your aunt make you feel bad just because she can’t help but express her opinion about money that’s not hers. Eat some chocolate and feel better, OP! 🙂
Post # 5
Thanks ladies, I knew that they were planning a family holiday, and it was not until after my dad had offered the money and we had finally come to a decision that I found out it was the expense of their holiday. To us, a holiday is a big deal….we have been on one holiday my whole life….I want my brother and sisters to have this amazing opportunity to explore another country like I have…I honestly do. But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m digging for money from my dad, he offered it. I know my brother doesn’t begrduge the decision…he’s much too excited about wearing a “penguin tuxedo” – he thinks he’s exempt from the grey suits we’ve picked for the groomsmen. lol.
Post # 6
Oh dear. OP, it sounds like your aunt is sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. How your father budgets his money is none of her business, and it’s not something you should feel guilty about either. He wants to contribute to your special day, and he made the decision to divert funds towards what he sees as a priority. It’s not like you hounded him for the money.
My future FIL put us through the same thing…he offered to contribute financially to the wedding, and then proceeded to guilt-trip FI by saying how this means he won’t be taking a summer vacation. He also said that he still ‘owed’ FI’s brother a large expense of money because they sent FI to the US for an exchange year when he was in high school, and didn’t do the same for his brother.
If you are really feeling concerned, I would have a quiet chat with your dad about the whole thing – and make sure he doesn’t feel guilty for spending the money on your wedding instead of your brother (and if, in fact, that’s actually the case).
Post # 7
@AlmostMrsShield: What did you say back to her? I would have said “Look I’m sorry Aunty, but I really think this is none of your business…”
Following that, I would speak to your brother and your dad just to clear the air about this whole money thing, to make sure no one’s feelings are being hurt. If your dad really wants to contribute, but you still feel terrible about the holiday issue, maybe you could suggest to split the $6000? As in, get your dad to give your $3000 for the wedding but keep the other $3000 for the holiday?
Might be good to mention to your dad what your aunt said to you as well, so he has some idea of why you are feeling/thinking the way you are about everything.
Post # 8
@peonyinparis: My dad, I am sure, wants to put this money into the wedding, as I am sure my step-mother does too. I’m a very guilty-feeling person at the best of times, (something I’m trying to work on) so I’ve been feeling bad about it for a while, but to have it blatantly worded to me as “have you even considered anyone else in this?” was just very cut-throat and blunt.
@ksus07: I do have to sit down and talk to him, it’s just really hard to get time with just him and noone else around. I don’t want to mention what my aunty said, mainly because I don’t want to stir up drama, I’ll just quietly mention that I know they’ve sacrificed their big holiday for our wedding and that if they feel like they would prefer to put their money into the holiday then we would be more than happy for that decision. I’ll just say because the payments need to be made soon so this is their last chance to decide.