Pregnancy and family around- dilemma!

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@candy11:  Well, I just got my BFP so I don’t have any insight on being pregnant with family around, but as for trying to conceive….I would’ve HATED to have ANYONE around. One, for the privacy aspect, since our work schedules are flexible we had lots of day time sexytimes, which was great and helped us get in some BDing in the fertile window before being “too tired” at night. Secondly, it took us from July to now (November) to conceive, and it seemed like forever. One month I got upset when I was surprised by an early period, and I would’ve hated having someone around and trying to hide my feelings about it. Anyway, we had some friends staying with us for about a week in August and it definitely cut down on our BDing, I’m glad they were only there a week!

Post # 5
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ok, I can’t say because obvs I’m not pregnant yet, but I can say this as someone who recently moved back near family after being on my own with DH for the last 5 years. (We have also had roommates since being married, so it’s not necessarily a roommie thing):

There is literally no amount of money you could pay me to allow an able-bodied parent to live with me right now, let alone while pregnant. 

Nope, no way. And I actually have a really good relationship with both parents. Love them, but heck no.

It’s been a HUUUUGE adjustment just having them down the street. The first few months I was back (until really recently actually, and things had to come to a bit of a head), they wouldn’t leave me alone. It was really suffocating, and I didn’t even live with them. They felt entitled to know what I’m doing regularly, details about my job/business, and they wanted me to visit or do some rando social activity what felt like all the darn time! Basically, they wanted the relationship they had with 15-20 year old Lemondrop, and I had to maintain boundaries until they figured out how to have a relationship with 27 year old Lemondrop that didn’t make me want to strangle them all. lol. 

My mom means super well, and I’m sure your mom will too, but there are a lot of things you will probably want to figure out. For example, do you really think your mom would defer to you on areas where you might differ for her in terms of the baby? Like discipline, food/snacks, exposure to tv, etc? (Mine definitely wouldn’t). Do you want the constant well-meaning but very intrusive advice? It’s bound to happen.

Also, in my opinion, pregnancy will be a really special time for both DH and I. I want that time to be as special as possible, and I want the time to bond over waiting for the baby. And heck! The baby will be a huge adjustment too, why throw in another one? And is it fair to expect your DH to have to be around his MIL 24/7? Even if their relationship is good, that’s a lot to ask him to do if it’s not for caregiving purposes… (My MIL is pretty great, and I max out at about 3 days at her house)

Why not have them move into a different house somewhere nearby? Maybe before the baby is born so they can establish their own life – hobbies, work, volunteering, friends, whatever – so they don’t over obsess on you and the baby. That way she’s still around to help, but you’re not stuck in 6 months posting “OMG, my mom won’t leave me alone, DH is ready to kill her, she’s steamrolling my baby decisions, what do i DO!?” haha. 

Obviously, take this with a grain of salt, it’s just my experience…


Post # 9
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I wrote a comment and then realized that it as wayyyyyy too long and was borderline thread jacking, but I do feel that it still goes along with your initial concerns. So I posted a new thread here if you want to take a look and read my story. lol.


Post # 10
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@candy11:  I love my mom to death, but honestly if I had to walk around every day feeling the way I feel and have her say shit like, “Well, when I was pregant…” or “Some women have it worse…” I would have to lock myself away.

Honestly, I enjoy not seeing anyone now that I am pregnant (I am 19 weeks). I feel so terrible in my 2nd trimester that I just want to be left alone. Even on days I feel good, sometimes I don’t even want DH or the dog there. I just want to hole up and sleep or not have to answer any questions about how I’m feel, id I’m excited, or be judged on whatever I am eating or doing. I just like having the me time.

I was even considering having my mom present for the labor (not delivery) and I turned that down when I found out how strongly she felt about medical intervention, and I am scared that if I can’t make it through or my doctor recommends something she will just tell me to buck up. I was also going to have her stay with us for a week or two after the baby is born, and I changed my mind on that already too, lol. Honestly I want that time with DH to make choices/mistakes and figure it out for myself. I would love having her there during the day, but to wake up in the middle of the night while trying to breast feed and have her analyze everything I am doing just doesn’t sound relaxing for a new mom.

Post # 11
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Mrs.LemonDrop:  +10000000

 I had to live at home for a few months 2 or so years ago when DH and I moved states (long story but he got a new job so fast he just had to rent a 1bd that didn’t allow pets so I had to go live with my parents until we found a pet friendly rental). There is no way I’d ever live with my parents again unless we had our own separate living areas (like a basement suite or soMething).

Now siblings are different. I love my brother and he might be spending next summer with us which wil be soon after our baby is here. I couldn’t be more Excited about it. But he will have his own room to stay in so it’s not a problem. I also don’t have to worry about him telling me how to do things or keeping him entertained. 😉


Post # 12
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I think I would rather stab myself in the eye with a fork that have any family members live with us, especially when pregnant and dealing with adjusting to a new baby.

Post # 13
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@candy11:  well I dont have a kid yet but after helping raise some of my younger cousins I do have certain insights. I’ve done a lot of research into this because it’s coming to the time when kids will be on the table soon….and My DH family are european where … the gramdmas typically take over care…and I’m not ok with that. I come from a hosue where my parents split up because of the family interfearence in their lives/marriage that happened from my dads mother taking care of me.

My mom would love nothing more to then take care of her grandchild as a nanny but she said she could never put me through what she went through….she told me its so hard when you have someone whose close to you and feels like they technically have “power over you” because they are the parent of YOU….so they will basically do things the way they want (especially when your not around). Unless you have a very very certain kind of relationship with your parent…. it can be very hard to deal with especially for the spouse…in this case your DH.

My mom said that when my dads mom moved in she felt like she was invading my grandmas space…not her own home…. she felt that she couldnt speak up for what she wanted done/NOT done or even tell her to GTFO when she needed space because she was doing my parents “such a huge favor”….. she felt powerless and like they were teenagers because “mommy was living there” and in charge….

so just make sure if you do this you think about ALL the possible consequences and make sure your DH is fully on board…if he’s not….totally…your likely to have problems in your relationship. I’m gonna copy a few articles about relative childcare and they bring up some points to think on…some are just in ref to when you go back to work but if shes living there its the same thing.

Sometimes people dont realize that they may be comfortable living with their parents for a time because frankly your used to them…. but your S.O may think its his worst nightmare. We each have our own comfort levels with our families but our S.O’s barely know them compared to us… ie: I can get along with my mom for a while but theres no way in hell I could let his family move in….. we’d be divorced lol.

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