Post # 1
This is a throwaway account bc it’s a sensitive topic.
I’m 30 and recently married. I switched careers last year, from something that paid incredibly well to something that made me happy…but I feel very junior again, and like I need to be working really hard to work my way up the ladder again. I’ll probably be interviewing for a new job again in 6-8 mos., because in my industry you advance when you move.
Work fulfills me. I do it around the clock because I love it. I want to constantly challenge myself and learn new things. I don’t ever really turn off. I think I’m what you’d call type-A and driven :). My husband recently started his own company, so I’m also currently the sole source of income. Between my salary and my savings from my old job, we’re fine for a few years, but I want us both focused on work at the moment.
Obviously I’m posting here because I’m pregnant. Prob 3 weeks along. I just know, even though I’m only a day or two late. I’ve been pregnant before, and had a D&C at 25. Wrong guy, bad circumstances. I’ve never regretted it. I could not have achieved what I have if I’d had a baby then. I would have been miserable.
This current pregnancy could not come at a worse time. I’m not interested in hearing rants or religion. I just want to know what it’s like from other ambitious, successful woman who’ve been here. Can I really interview for a job with a newborn or while pregnant? Will I still be able to work at night? Does the fact that I really don’t care to interact with other people’s children mean I’ll be disinterested in my own? The thought of cleaning crayons off of walls or helping with homework makes me utterly depressed.
DH wants kids, but cant explain *why*. What is good about having them?? I’m so miserable about this. I feel like everything I love about my life and my marriage will come to an end. I feel like I’ll be stuck managing playdates and picking up after kids…I already manage almost everything in our lives. He thinks I’m pessimistic, but I think he’s naive.
If you’ve never felt a biological clock, are you just not meant to have kids?
Post # 3
I guess what you are asking is “Do you think I should keep the child?”. I have no issues with abortions, I had one at 18 years of age, It was with my DH but i was young, about to start Uni, and we had only been together 4 months. I don’t regret it.
I got pregnant 9 months ago, and it was unplanned, and I have only been working in my proffession for 2 years, and am still very junior, I spent 8 years at Uni. But because I am 29 and we are married, own our own home and financially secure, it was a no brainer for me to keep the child, yes it is not ideal for my career development but really, I take a year of for maternity leave and come back in a years time and pick up from there.
So many women struggle to have children, and the older you get, and the more procedures like that that you have the harder it will be. Take it as a sign that this is meant to be, it may have been your bodies way of saying, that if you dont have one now, you may really struggle to conceive at 35 when you are ready. Plus I was very career focussed, still am, but I gave birth to my little Sophie on Tuesday, and despite the lack of sleep and stress of breast feeding, I am the happiest (and so is my husband) that I have ever been. You have the rest of your life to build on your career. You may only have now to start a family.
Post # 4
Ultimityly, its ur decision on wether you keep the baby or not… You can interview for jobs while preg, I did and I have a great job! People say you change when it it your own child
Post # 5
This was a hard to read post – I’m sad for you, I’m sad for your husband, and I’m sad for the baby if you have it and your maternal instincts don’t kick in. And I do mean all of that in a non-sarcastic way.
Ultimately, I think you will hear overwhelmingly from the bees that this choice is up to you and we can’t make the decision for you. I don’t have children yet but I have a several friends and acquaintances who have shared their stories of unwanted and/or unexpected/unplanned pregnancies and how it’s affected their work life.
And I’ve seen it both ways – one friend of mine sat for her finals in law school as the early stages of labor began, and she was back at it in a week. Another was an executive at her company was literally on conference calls from the delivery room and didn’t skip a beat. On the other hand, though, I’ve had friends who were fast track career women who had their child and tried to keep going, but ultimately ended up switching careers to something more conducive to spending a lot of time with their child and focused on raising them.
Adoption is another option if you decide to move forward with the pregnancy but then decide you don’t want the baby at a later stage.
My wish for you is that whatever you decide, you don’t have agony over “what if” you had made the other choice.
Post # 6
I’m all for abortion but not in this case. If you never wanted children, you should have been practicing better birth control. Ambitious, career-minded women who are happy suck down a pill daily or pick up condoms. That’s probably not what want to here it it’s true. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how you and DH got married if he desperately wants children and you do not….
Now that’s out of the way, stop putting all this effort in should. Not having a “biological clock” doesn’t mean anything, DH doesn’t need to explain why he wants kids anymore than you need explain why you don’t and no one needs to explain why kids are “great” or not. What I’m hearing in your post is that you don’t want to have children but feel like you’re supposed to. What I’m not sure about is whether you don’t want kids or whether you don’t want kids because you feel they get in the way of everything you want to do. Have you ever seen Sex And The City? Miranda almost has an abortion for a lot of the reasons you cite and instead had her son. She did anything but organize playdates.
Kids aren’t easy but they’re fulfilling. Sometimes they have playmates, sometimes they’re hands off. I think you and DH should sit down – perhaps even with a therapist – and figure all of this out for your lives and soon. As I’m sure you’re aware, time is of the essence with abortion.
Post # 7
@Absolute: i agree. and i know its not a black and white topic, and there is a real human at the end of it all (and an unborn baby) but it makes me even sadder that people like me, who are struggling to have children, can hear things like this… i would give anything to get the chance to be pregnant.
Post # 8
You can interview while pregnant and legally, you don’t need to disclose your pregnancy until an offer has been made and at that time you’ll need to negotiate time off for delivery and recovery. After you have the baby, it will be extremely difficult for you to work around the clock and be availble 24/7 unless DH or another caretaker will be immediately able to do so, and if you don’t plan to nurse, take care of ten bike at night, or otherwise modify your lifestyle to accommodate your baby. I know that there are fathers who are virtually uninvolved with their children, so if you have DH or another caretaker to take on a parental role you may be able to continue your career as planned.
I had an unplanned pregnancy at 24, when I was young but ascending in my career. I had networked after college into a very competitive sector of the software industry as a human resources professional. Even though she was unplanned, DD became the highlight of my life and I took our attachment, nursing, and our family unit very seriously (DD, FH, and I). I nursed exclusively for six months, and slept 4-5 hours a night to take care of DD.
In a male dominated field, it was extremely difficult to leave work after 10-12 hours to go home and take care of my child and family – my coworkers who had kids constantly made berated me on my fitness as a mother, and those who didn’t have kids expected to be at the office or available on email 24/7, which I just couldn’t do anymore. I don’t even want to recount how pumping went. I left my dream job in my dream industry for something less competitive, less visible, and admittedly less fulfilling. I’m determined to stay in the workplace simply because I’m talented in my profession and enjoy the satisfaction of achievement, but I’m happy to be among co workers who also need work-life balance. I’ve chosen a different path for my career to accommodate my family.
If you are going to have a child to ignore or resent in favor of your career, I suggest you don’t. You can make modifications and adjust to your new lifestyle as a mother, but if you aren’t willing to, then you and your child will likely end up very unhappy.
Post # 9
Couldn’t DH be more of the “stay at home” parent while you continue in your work? I mean, depending what kind of company he’s starting, this could work great or not at all. But he’s the one who desperately wants this experience.
I think [know] children change you, and from what I’ve seen, it’s generally for the better. Even if it’s just getting your priorities straight or making you “grow up” (not saying that you have to, it’s just something that seems to happen).
We can’t tell you what to do.
Post # 10
@Absolute: Your assumption that the OP was careless with contraception is pretty judgmental not to mention very unhelpful. Contraception is NOT fail proof. Yes, most people would realise when a condom breaks, but you CAN get pregnant taking the pill even if you take it correctly. Not to mention, it’s actually quite hard to take it correctly. Did you know that the pill can be ineffective if you take it just 30 mins after your usual pill-time? Or have digestion issues? And if you had sex in the previous week, that’s all it will take. It’s really not that easy to ensure you won’t get pregnant, apart from practicing abstinence.
Post # 11
@Absolute: You have no idea what the OP what using for birth control (which is not 100% infallable), so please stop making judgements on her character based on the fact that she got pregnant when she didn’t want to. For all you know, she was doubling or tripling up on BC methods & still fell pregnant.
@Es12345: OP, I think that you really need to look at whether YOU are ready for a child now. Yes, all those things you mentioned are possible with children. Many people make it work. BUT, it may not be possible for YOU PERSONALLY, and YOU need to evaluate where your needs lie in this. Consult your husband, but remember that you have the final say — your body, your choice. (Also, keep in mind that your DH can also perform childcare duties if you decide to have the child & pursue your career; you’re not the only one who can clean up crayons.) I think that, from what you’ve said on here, an abortion would be the best choice for you at this time. BUT obviously only you know what is in your heart & mind and can make the decision between abortion, adoption, or parenting.
Post # 12
Is your DH on board with taking a primary caregiver role? If he can stay with the baby more and allow you to work, or if you can get a mother’s helper for the evenings, you might be able to keep up your schedule, but you need to have a plan for this.
There’s no way to anticipate how your pregnancy will effect you physically and mentally, or how recovery would be. These both take a lot out of you, and could involve complications that will keep you home. Your hormones will be a wreck, and you’ll have to push through discomfort and insomnia to keep up. Is it possible to do it? Sure. But you may have to accept the fact that your child will have a closer bond with your DH or daycare provider than with you.
Post # 13
@Absolute: I agree with everything you have said.
I am 100% prochoice but I really feel like if you didn’t want children at all then you should have made 100% sure you were preventing. I had my DS at 19 then quickly rushed into a relationship and ended up pregnant when my DS was only 9 weeks old. We were however using condoms and I hadn’t had a period yet. I went in for a surgery and that is how I found out. Luckily I was extremely early and was able to have an abortion around 5 weeks. I do not regret my choice and honestly it made me a better person. I took more control of my life stopped dating and focused on my son. I met DH when DS was 5-6 months old. I have been very careful ever since and now we are expecting our first child together (a planned pregnancy) if I could do it all over again I would still have had the abortion.
Ultimatly it is up to you what you do with your body. You and your DH need to sit down and have a serious talk though because this could really make or brake your marriage.
Post # 14
I can’t comment on what choice you make. I know how I feel, but I don’t think it’s my place to push my beliefs on you.
What I will say is that you may feel completely different about your own child than you do others. For me personally, I had NO desire to have kids when Iwas younger and never really found other children appealing AT ALL. That changed, I got baby fever and now I have my own child. She fills my life with more happiness than anything! There is nothing more fufilling than my baby. I still don’t go crazy about other peoples kids though. lol
I won’t try to sugar coat this though. Kids, babies, they are a lot of hard work. I’m on a year of mat leave right now and I personally dread going back to work as I feel like I will be half-assing everything at that point. Right now I feel like I can be an awesome wife and mom, but I am not sure how I will throw being a good employee into that! I’m sure it will all work out, but I can understand the worry! Adjustments to life need to be made whatever the circumstance. Children aren’t the only things that cause us to change our paths.
Even my MIL says she was never one to ooo and ahh over other peoples kids, but her own children and granddaughter are a different story.
You can still have your career and child. MANY women do both. Or you may decide that once your child is here, that you want to work less. Ir maybe DH will want to be a SAHD? Who knows? Your life isn’t over because you’re having a child. Please don’t hold it against the child if you do have him/her though. Children don’t ask to be born.
I would try to confirm your pregnancy at this point and make sure you’re looking after yourself!
Post # 15
I just want you to know it’s perfectly alright to NOT want kids. Plenty of people on here are CBC.
It realistically can affect your career.
Post # 16
As you know, nobody can make this choice for you, but I wanted to post just to comment on some of the pp’s well intentioned remarks about how your partner may step up and become the primary caregiver / help you out lots, or whatever. Many men are eager to take on this role and that’s fantastic. However, you mentioned in your OP that you feel like you are already managing everything in your lives and it seems unlikely to me that if you already do much of the work of running the household that it would change with the addition of a child.
Not to say it is impossible, but I have seen too many of my female friends believe that their husbands would change into 50/50 partners with them on childrearing and it just doesn’t happen. So, just something to keep in mind! If I am reading too much into your throwaway comment, then please disregard my entire point 🙂
Good luck with whatever you decide!