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First of all, I'm so so so sorry. :(
Do you think that his actions might be his way of distancing himself from the emotional pain?
@atalante: That's what I'm thinking. Avoiding thinking about the situation may be his way of coping with the pain of (possibly) losing this baby. I think you both need to cut each other some slack in this difficult time. Have you told him that you don't feel supported? He might not know how best to support you right now, so maybe sit down with him when you both have calmed down and discuss what exactly you need from him.
I was about to ask the same thing as atalante.
I think this might be his way of dealing with the emotional strain of the current situation. I know that that doesn't make it any easier on you, but please take that into consideration.
I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best for you guys.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
@atalante: agree
and
@shambley: agree
This is a difficult time for both of you. You should both bond together and try to support each other.
He's not the one going through it and dealing with the actually physical feeling of it. Men and their simple brains... he could just thinking that there is nothing that can be done about it to change anything and whats going to happen is going to happen so there's no need to worry and stress. Easy for him to say looking in when the pregnancy isnt in HIS body. Have you sat him down and discussed how he feels? Maybe he just really doesnt think its a big deal cause you cant do anything to change the outcome... would that help explain his reaction and behavior toward you.
Thanks girls for your responses.
@atalante: I don't know... maybe. He usually is pretty transparent w/ his emotions and he doesn't seem that upset about it. I got pregnant super quickly, so I think he just feels like if it doesn't work this time, it's no big deal, we'll just try again. I think he really does not understand why it makes me so upset.
@tranquility: I know... I wish we could bond together but I think he thinks I am overreacting and he's irritated/impatient.
I really don't think he believes it's a big deal at all, since it's "not really even a baby yet". For 1-2 days after I got the inital lab results, he was pretty nice, cuddling with me, etc., but now that's it's been 2 weeks with no real answer, he's sick of me being worried/sad much of the time.
@pinkshoes: That is exactally how he feels... he has said, "There's nothing you can do, so just go on with life and stop thinking about it." ... which would be good advice if it was possible, but I'm not finding it that possible...
I've told him I don't feel supported and that it's different because it's my body and I don't know what's going to happen to it - ectopic, natural miscarriage, d&c, full term pregnancy??? I don't think he cares though... all he can think about right now is that I'm mean and treating him in an "unacceptable" manner (by saying that I didn't know if I could keep trying should we lose this one, as I haven't felt supported).
ETA: He sees a counselor weekly since he has an anxiety disorder. I asked him last week if he was going to tell his counselor about what was going on and he said no. Basically because he felt it was no big deal. I said, well, maybe you should talk to him so that he can give you ideas for how you can support me? He said no. However, during our fight today I asked him to make an appointment for both of us to see his counselor and he said I could just come to his appointment in the morning... so I plan on doing that.
It is possible that he's distancing himself from it, but I don't think that's an acceptable way to act. This really isn't about him. If it doesn't bother him then fine, but his wife is hurting and that's what's important. Maybe you were right to say you're not sure you want to keep TTC with so little support... he doesn't seem to have the slightest clue of what you're going through. You need his support on good days and on bad, pregnancy is a long road with lots of ups and downs and he can't keep telling you to just get over things. It's great that you're going to his appointment with him, hopefully his counselor can help him see your side of this.
I'm sorry you're getting these scary test results. No one here thinks you should just get over it or stop thinking about it, so post as often as you need to. Sending healthy thoughts your way.
It sounds like you're both under a lot of stress and maybe distancing himself from the situation and trying not to think about it is his way of coping. It sounds like deep down he's afraid and maybe he's not ready to face his fears yet. Talking about it will only make it seem more real. I am very sorry you are going through this, and I hope you get the support you need. *hugs*
@Moja Milosc: Thanks for your input and for validating my concerns!
@skipper2010: Thank you :)
Well, the good news is that after seeing the counselor, my DH has been doing a MUCH better job of supporting me. He has been listening really well and not trying to fix things by avoiding talking about them. He also said he was sad and disappointed too, as he'd been really excited when we thought things were going to work out. (In turn, I've tried to just say what I need to say and not talk about it too often). The doctors are really concerned about the pregnancy being ectopic and now that DH understands that my health and future fertility could be at risk, he is a lot more concerned... He's asked me a couple times if I've had any more pains, etc. and really pushed me to get an ultrasound scheduled asap. I will go for the u/s tomorrow morning, so hopefully that will give us a better idea of what is going on. DH is not completely where I want him to be in terms of support at this point... at first, he didn't want to go with me to tomorrow's appointment (said I could handle it on my own and he'd come over if I ended up needing surgery), but I think he understands now that I need him to go for moral support (even if no surgery is needed), so he took off from work. So, not perfect, but a whole lot better!
I am so glad to read thng are getting better with him and you're starting to get the understanding & comfort you need. My thoughts and hopes for the best to the two of you.
With my last pregnancy my husband and I went throught the same thing. As I was getting bad lab results he wasn't really supportive. It wasn't until I went to my ultrasound after I had lost the baby that he really even said much.
Afterwards he told me he really didn't believe we would lose the baby and he didn't really want to talk about it. He just wanted to move on. Me on the other hand, I wanted to talk about it. I confided in family just to be able to get the things out that I needed to. Now that time has passed we can talk about it more oplenly. We both definately grieved differently and it was a really hard time for us as a couple.
ETA: I just saw your update. I am so glad things are going better for the two of you. Good luck at your US tomorrow.
@78h2o: praying for you both and for healthy happy tubes and a super sticky baby on the horizon!
You mention the fact that he took you out to dinner to try and cheer you up and called for lab results, etc. What exactly is it that he is doing that is upsetting you? The fact that he's going through just a hard time as you are and you are not even cognizant of it? This is his baby too and while I realize that it is YOUR body, it seems like you're being really unkind to him. Did you ever take into consideration his own feelings? Or that you're upsetting him by occupying his thoughts constantly with your incessant worrying? You're not the only person going through this, the two of you are supposed to be a team and you've sat him on the bench without so much as an explination.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this (I assure you, I know what you are going through) but this should be an opportunity for the two of you to stick together and become stronger and instead you're doing the opposite.
Please keep us posted! Best wishes to you! Glad to hear your hubs is beginning to come around..
@ViaMinorViator: When you were going through this, did you have anyone tell this to you? I'm not sure if this is the best advice for her right now... Just may be a little harsh while she it hurting =( He is supporting her more lately, she said in a previous post.
I agree with some PP's. It sounds like he is emotionally distancing himself. He isn't uncaring or inteding to hurt you, he is just protecting himself.
EDIT: I just noticed your most recent post. I am really happy you guys were able to work so much out. I am really sorry all this is happening and I truely hope it is just one small hiccup in being able to bring that baby home.
@MrsMeNow: thanks so much for sharing your experience. It's really nice to know I'm not the only one who has struggled with this... (seems like all the girls on the bee dealing with this have wonderful and supportive DHs). My husband is wonderful, but we have definitely dealt with this situation very differently and it's made things a lot harder for me.
I don't really think he was distancing himself to protect himself per se, I think he just felt like, yeah, it's a little sad, but we'll just try again, let's not think about it and make it worse (since we can't do anything about it). He didn't understand that I needed to talk about it or at least have him physically comfort me (hold me, hug me, etc).
@ViaMinorViator: maybe I didn't convey it well, but I did take his coping style into account and tried very hard not bombard him with conversation about this. I was worrying "incessantly"; however, I only tried to talk to him about it for a few minutes in the evening on days when I got new lab results... the response I got from him was pretty angry/harsh...
I was upset because I felt like I was trying to compromise but he wasn't. I didn't think it was kind or helpful to our relationship for him to shut me out completely and not allow me to even mention my fears. He thought I would feel better if I didn't think about it, so he refused to talk about it, end of story, problem fixed. He didn't listen to me when I said I needed to talk about it, at least a little bit. Since the counselor helped him to see that, he has been more supportive to me lately. In turn, I've been careful not to irritate or overwhelm him by talking about it for more than a few minutes a day... I also sincerely apologized for the time I got upset and said I wasn't sure I wanted to try again because I felt so alone/unsupported. I think I needed to say that to him but I should have chosen a different time and said it more calmly. He's forgiven me for that now.
Also, there is no way my husband is hurting as much as me...I can understand why you might think that as an onlooker, but it's not the case. I have desperately wanted a baby for years... he wants kids but feels no sense of urgency. He has told me straight out that he was a little sad and disappointed when we first got the bad results, but he got over it quickly... we got pregnant easily so he figures, we'll just get pregnant again. He has also said he feels zero attachment to this baby because we had concerns very early on and "it's too small to really be a baby yet." I know he's not hiding any emotions from me... he wears his heart on his sleeve and it is not unusual for him to get tearful when he's upset ...and he hasn't come close to crying about this.
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I am looking forward to having all of this behind us and am hopeful that we'll get a sticky baby soon :)
@andersonsarah: You are so sweet to check on me. We're doing okay. We went to the ultrasound on Friday and it (thankfully) ruled out an ectopic pregnancy but the baby measured small (5 weeks when I was nearly 7). Afterwards I started spotting a bit, but knew that could be normal after a vaginal ultrasound. On Saturday I had bleeding more like a period and was upset. DH left to help a friend with a house project around 2pm. At 8pm, he stopped back home and said he had to hurry and change, a friend was waiting outside to take him to the bar. I said that I wished he'd asked me first, as I was feeling bad and didn't want to be alone. He said, sorry, I won't be gone long. Well, at 1am he still wasn't home and I was getting angry. I felt so lonely and sad. I texted him, "where are you" and he came home, wasted. The next day I was weepy all day, I couldn't really control it so I think it was hormones. DH was pretty good... he cuddled with me and rented a movie he thought I might like. Later that night I had very intense painful cramps and starting passing stuff. At this point DH went to bed, as it was 10pm. From 10pm to 2am I was in sheer agony. I wish he'd stayed up with me, but at least everytime I got up to go to the restroom he did kind of stir and say, "I'm so sorry baby." So, I did feel like he was there for me... In my ideal world, he'd be sitting in the bathroom with me or right outside, but that is probably and unrealistic expectation. Anyway, I'm feeling much better physically and emotionally... I feel like I finally have some closure. DH is eager to try again but I think we'll wait at least 1-2 months. I want to keep working on us and make sure we're ready, should something similar happen again.
Thanks everyone for your support. I really love the WB community!
@78h2o: I totally understand your perfect world... Part of me would want that too, but most of me knows mine wouldn't be in the bathroom with me either. Men are just different. I'm happy to hear it was not ectopic as I hear that can change your fertility later but am sorry to hear about what happened =( My thoughts and prayers will stay with you! Am very happy to hear you are feeling better physically and emptionally!
@78h2o: My heart goes out to you. I don't agree with andersonsarah, though: your man should have been by your side that night, all through it, and I find it shocking that he wasn't. By that same token, his staying out late and coming home drunk is fine. But it is not fine when you are loosing your pregnancy. It is even more not fine when he tells you he won't be gone long, and then is; that's called lying, and the fact that he did it when you were going through the loss of a baby...wow I am just so, so, so sorry.
I just wanted to point out that this is not simply "how men are", and it most certainly is not how a husband should behave toward his wife. Hopefully he will learn to be more supportive and caring for you, as it seems like your counseling made a difference so hopefully he will learn. Maybe it was just the way he needed to deal with a difficult situation, but you do deserve more support. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
@Jade33: I totally agree with you.
When I was going through my miscarriage, you're darn right that my DH was there for every bit of it. I ended up having to go in for a D&C, and he took care of me through the entire process. The fact that your husband went out and got drunk when you specifically told him how alone you were feeling just makes me want to smack him upside the head for you. He may not be hurting as much as you are, but he needs to be there for you during times like this.
@78h2o: I'm so sorry you went through that, and so sorry you went through it by yourself. I agree with Jade33 and 2PeasinaPod, I think he should have been with you. He certainly shouldn't have gone out drinking the way he did.
The next time he talks to you about trying to have kids, if I were you I would remind him that he made you go through this process alone when he knew that you wanted him with you supporting you. That he went out drinking until 1am when you were home alone and scared and worried about a possible impending miscarriage, and that he slept while you went through a painful 4-hour process.
I'm really not trying to scare you, or make you angry, but being pregnant has scary parts to it. Childbirth has scary parts to it. Raising children is even scarier and requires tons of support as well. If he's leaving you to miscarry alone, what happens when you're in labor? What happens when you have an infant who needs to be fed or changed in the middle of the night? He just had a fantastic chance to show you what a supportive dad and husband he can be, and he chose to allow you to take 100% of the burden on yourself even though he's the one pushing for kids. I would definitely hold off on having kids with him until he understands why you were upset with him and promises not to do that again. It shouldn't be an unrealistic expectation for your husband to help you through any pregnancy complication that comes up, especially when he's the one pushing for kids.
@78h2o: I am so sorry. Instead of thinking he should be there for you, it appears he is having a hard time dealing with the situation, but has another way of dealing with it than you. It sounds like he is hurting too. You all should be there for each other. That is the only way you will get through it-together.
@78h2o: I just saw this and wanted to say how sorry I am! I remember you getting pregnant so fast and it just must feel like a whirlwind to go from that to what you've had to go through. Sending lots of hugs your way!
Jade33 and HappierKate whoooaa don't need to bash on me! I didn't mean to offend anyone... I agree with nickie362, instead of focusing on the negative of a totally horrible situation, I think working together through it is healthier for a relationship, which is what it sounds like she is doing. I definitely think if what he did bothers her, she should express it, which is something she has every right to do; but she said she was feeling better physically and emotionally..So I was trying to focus on that.
I'm floored that your husband got you pregnant but was not available to support you through a miscarriage. I'm so sorry, no one deserves that on top of everything else. I think it would take me a long time to forgive him.
My husband has been diagnosed with a very serious form of infertility. We're a team. When he is going to need medical procedures done, I can't imagine blowing him off. I would have a serious talk about your mutual expectations about supporting each other through sickness and health.
@andersonsarah: I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to bash on you. I'm just angry on behalf of the OP and concerned that this man is pushing to try again but doesn't seem to want to be there for the hard part. I firmly believe that especially if he's the one who wants kids, he needs to make sure he's there for her and that he is there for her in a way that she feels, not that she knows intellectually.
I agree that they should work together, but I don't want her to feel that it's unreasonable to expect a certain level of involvement from him. I've been worrying for her since she first posted and I guess I got emotionally caught up, I apologize if I seemed to be attacking you. I didn't mean to. I agree with you that men tend to be different, but I still think that in a case of this being something that he particularly wants, he can and should learn how to be there for his partner. That's a learning process we all go through, and we never stop learning it, either.
@HappierKate: I can totally agree with that. Thanks for saying that =) I have to say I'm emotionally caught up in this thread too. My heart weeps for her and I just want her to feel better. Have been thinking about her and a patient I have who is going through a similar situation day and night...dreamed about them both last night... LOL.
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I'm currently about 5-6 weeks pregnant, but my lab results haven't been good, and the doctors are concerned the pregnancy may be ectopic or I may miscarry... so I have been super sad/stressed the last 2 weeks. DH was very excited when he heard I was pregnant (as we're TTC), but he hasn't been supportive at all since it started looking like it might not work out. Pretty much all he says is "Stop worrying about it, we'll just try again" and "Stop thinking about it!" - he says both things with an irritated, inpatient tone of voice. It's more the tone of voice that gets me than anything else.
There was one day last week when I got the crappy results that he did take me to dinner to try to cheer me up... he also called me once or twice to find out lab results... but that's pretty much it in terms of support...
He's also been really getting on my nerves in general this week, nagging me about stupid stuff... I told him to cut me some slack... he knows I get terrible PMS and this is 1000x worse... but he doesn't seem to be listening to me and keeps causing arguments about little things...
Despite the fact that my labs are crappy, I feel pregnant and am super nauseous and bloated all the time. It's really hard not to think about what is happening with this pregnancy and he doesn't understand that... I'm also scared about an ectopic or needing a D&C... but he won't discuss my fears with me, he just says I should stop thinking, end of story.
I got so fed up with him last night that I said that if this pregnancy doesn't work out I'm not sure I want to try again. I know that wasn't a nice thing to say, but I did mean it. I don't think I meant it to be hurtful - I really feel like I could not go through this again with so little support.
Today he is so angry at me for saying what I said that he won't talk to me. I just called him at work and he ended up hanging up on me. He wanted me to apologize and I wanted him to apologize. Normally we don't act so childish, but maybe we are both stressed, I don't know...
So now I'm just really sad... I feel like I really need my hubby right now and he is disappointing me. How can he expect me to just not think about things when I feel sick all the time?? Should I apologize for saying what I said??? I guess it wasn't nice, in any case, but I felt like I was being truthful... but then again, maybe it's not good to be truthful all the time... I don't want to go home tonight. I wish I had family that lived nearby, but I don't. I could stay with a friend but I don't want to make things worse by not going home... at the same time, I feel like I need to take care of myself right now and avoid stress and I'm afraid we'd get into a screaming match if I go home...
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.