Post # 1
Ok, so my wedding is in October of this year, and I just found out one of my bridesmaids is pregnant. She will be about 8 months pregnant for my wedding, and I’m a little worried about her staying in the bridal party. I love her to death, but we have to order the bridesmaid gowns 4 months out from the ceremony, and there’s no way to estimate her size at that point. On another note, it is her first child, and she lives out of state from where our wedding is happening, so if something were to happen at the wedding, her OB and hospital will 10 hours away.
I don’t want to seem insensitive, as I am thrilled for her and her fiance, but at the same time, I just don’t see how she will be able to make it to our wedding, much less be comfortable and have enough energy to make it through the whole day. I just don’t know how to explain that to her so that her feelings are spared.
Post # 3
A few months ago, I came to the Weddingbee board with the same question – well almost. I have 7 BMs, one who is trying to get pregnant, one who got pregnant and miscarried :-(, and one who is due 8 weeks before the wedding.
I would have an open and honest conversation with her. She may feel guilty and is looking for a way out. She may also feel that she can do both – and if she does – and has honestly thought through the responbilities of both, then what a blessing to have her there.
There’s a ton of things you can do about the dress: some companies will allow you to order extra fabric or she could wear a different dress. She’s probably better off buying the dress closer to the wedding. Are you comfortable with her wearing a different style (if you BM style is not bump friendly? 😉
Find out what she’s thinking. Since you asked her to stand up and be a special part of your day, let her choose but make an informed decision.
Post # 4
I would focus on whether it is safe for her to travel so far when she is that far along in her pregnancy. I’m sure we’ve all heard that you’re not supposed to fly in your 3rd trimester. Is she planning to travel to the wedding by car? I’ve never been preggers before, but 10 hours in a car is miserable even if you’re not 8 months pregnant! 🙂
Anyway, I would reach out to her to see what she’s thinking. It’s very possible that her doctor may not even want/let her travel to the wedding at all. (I know several of my sister’s friends were not able to attend her wedding b/c of the distance.) If that is the case, the dress and her energy level on the wedding day won’t even be an issue. Good luck!!!
Post # 5
I definitely think its okay to bring this up, but I would let your BM make any decisions. Maybe say it more in terms of checking in whether she still feels up to it rather than telling her you think she won’t be. My sister (and co-MOH) will be 8.75 months pregnant at my wedding…or possibly nursing a newborn. Initially she didn’t want to talk about what would happen at the actual wedding, but we have been searching around for maternity dresses. More recently, though, I think now that she’s in her 2nd trimester and has made it public, she wanted to talk about it again. I’ve known all along that it’s extremely unlikely that she’ll stand up in my wedding, but I didn’t say anything one way or another about it. Now she told me that it would be easier for her to decide in advance that she’s not going to b/c otherwise she’ll likely push herself or feel really upset and guilty for backing out at the last minute (which is totally like her). I told her I understood and I wasn’t hurt at all (to be honest dealing with the dress and some other logistics is easier this way). Especially b/c being pregnant makes you all emotional anyway I still think it was good that it came from her.
Re the dress sizes though, I don’t think that’ll be a big issue. Most maternity clothes are designed to be fairly adjustable so they grow with your tummy. If you aren’t getting a style that has maternity, then no matter what she’ll need extensive tailoring which she could have done cloer to the wedding date.
Post # 6
BTW, I’m still going to call her my matron-of-honor…she’ll be sitting front and center during the ceremony and she’s been one of my BF’s my whole life. Where she stands on the wedding day won’t change our relationship and what she means to me.
Post # 7
I think you just have to take it step by step. And it is nice to still include her as the maid of honor whether she’s sitting or standing or in the hospital! There are some bridesmaids dresses that can be adjusted better more than others; something similar happened to a wedding I’m going to be in and she just ordered her dress last and in the same color/fabric as everyone else.
Post # 8
I had a dear friend who was pregnant and due right around the date of my wedding. She wasn’t in the wedding party, but I still had to account for her, her husband, her daughter and her parents who were all invited.
My friend kept saying, "Well if the baby comes early or late, I can make it to your wedding." Like I want to wait until the last minute to know if she was going to come along with 3 other adults and a child!
I just sat her down and said, "Friend, I know you want to be there for my special day, but if something were to happen while you were 5 hours away from your own doctors I would never forgive myself. I know it’s disappointing, but I just don’t think it wise or feasible for you to come. We will miss you, but you have to do what’s best for you and the baby."
That talk kind of helped her to make the call early on that she wouldn’t come. Turns out it was the right call because she went in to labor at home at the exact time my ceremony started 5 hours away!
That kind of talk might help with your friend, but if you still want her at the wedding, just not in the wedding party- then it won’t.
If you do want her as a BM, I think it would be mean and kind of shallow to say, "You can’t be in the wedding party because getting a dress for you would be difficult."
My suggestion would be to let her order a different dress from the BMs- either something off the rack at the last minute that will fit her, or something with an empire waist that will accomodate her growing belly.
Post # 9
I guess it depends on the person. My friend just had a baby last September, she is on a softball team and she continued to coach (her doctor made her stop playing arounf 5 months) and travel with the team up until literally two days ebfore the baby was born. I would have had no doubt that she could attend a wedding at 8 months because she had the attitude from the beginning that she could do everything she had done pre pregnancy so it depends how your friend sees this. I agree with the other posters that you may need to wiat until she is further along to discuss this and if it means she has to order a different dress then that is a small sacrafice to make in order to make sure your friend is safe and comfortable in your wedding or not.
Post # 10
I am in a very similar predicament to you…..except I had our dresses picked out!! But thankfully not bought. My bridesmaid, who just happens to be my FSIL came to me just a few weeks ago and told me that she would be about 7 months pregnant at the time of my wedding. Of course I still want her by my side on our wedding day (not only is she my future FSIL but we are actually quite close) but it has posed a whole new set of problems. PLUS, if we were to ask her to step down from the wedding the future in-laws would NEVER forgive my FI and I.
We are now too close to the wedding date to order actual bridesmaid dresses that make maternity sizes. I was just buying off the rack before the news because I’ve never really seen any BM dresses that I liked. Now I am stuck with the task of finding NEW bridesmaid dress styles (the one from before was NOT pregnant friendly) and guessing what size my FSIL will be at that point. Here’s the kicker…..she seems to think she’s not going to gain anywhere but her belly so wants to still order a small size (she’s about a 6 now). What no one has told her yet, is that we all see that she has put on weight already and is barely 2 months along. I think she is going to be one of those pregnant ladies that takes full advantage of the "eating for two" excuse.
I guess i don’t have any real advise for you, I just saw you post and KNEW how you were feeling and wanted to vent too!!! If you do come up with some solutions, please let us know, I’d love to hear them!!!
Post # 11
I’ve been pregnant several times. The key in your situation is that she is goingt obe 8 months pregnant and OOT. I had pretty normal pregnancies. My doctor let me fly in my third trimester. I think typcially (at least with my doctor) is that you can’t travel OOT after 36 weeks (and this is for normal pregnancies). This is because a pregnancy is considered to be "full term" at 36 weeks (or 37 depending on the state you live in.) As much as they try to predict your due date, those lil’ punkins have their own schedule.
Bottomline, ask your friend if she will even be allowed to travel to your wedding. (She might not have even thought to ask her doc.) If she is, there is a potential problem that she might develop issues that keep her on bed rest, cause her to deliver early, etc. Happens all the time. If she is fine to get around at 8 months, you do have a point about her not having the energy to get through the day.
Good luck, but I’m thinking she won’t even be allowed to go.
Post # 12
I agree with fizics girl and tanya…I think you have to let HER decide, and I think she has to check with her doctor so that both the baby and her are healthy and happy.
Telling her she can’t be in the wedding because she is pregnant doesn’t speak to the love you say you feel for each other – it seems to me that if you truly wanted her to be there for you in your wedding party you wouldn’t have a problem figuring out something else to do about a dress that may not match as well, but accomidates any size she reaches. If the bigger issue that is worrying about her being able to show up or not, maybe you should invite another girl to be a bridesmaid and accept that if she manages to show up, you may have an extra bridesmaid. What does one more matter when they are all there to support you? It always looks so cute when two girls flank a groomsman anyway 🙂
Post # 13
Well, I re-read my post and want to add an addendum:
I didn’t mean any disrespect with my comment, I just wanted to point out that both weddings and pregnancy are high stress events and topics. You will probably be better off in your relationship with her if you try and talk with her a few more times about this. It may come down to having to understand that she may not realize yet what being 8 months pregnant will be like – and may not want to admit to herself yet that it will be hard. I know this makes your planning a bit more difficult, but it may be worth it for your relationship with her, if she doesn’t want to back out.
It all comes down to expectations, I think. She may or may not be able to be there on the wedding day, but if you don’t expect her to be doing as much of the running around and helping (and maybe have someone else who can) then it won’t be a huge deal if she can’t do much because she can’t walk well, or if ultimately she can’t make it.
Post # 14
And in addtion to what finbladez said, I agree that if possible, try not to just "kick her out" even if you do it kindly. If it’s possible (and admittedly I’ve never dealt with this) try to leave it open as long as possible. If she is allowed to go and is in perfect health, how will you both feel with her just sitting there?
Again, I do think being OOT and so far along she probably won’t make it. But it would be so much better for her to come to that realization. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Post # 15
Well, the ladies here all already gave you great advice. Have you talked to her to see what her feelings are on the matter? Maybe she really wants to go, but is worried about going so close to the end of her pregnancy. If you talk to her and tell her you rather her be at home just to be safe, I’m sure she would really appreciate it.
Post # 16
I had this issue for my wedding as well. Right after we ordered the bridesmaid dresses, my cousin had let me know that she was pregnant and would be due about 3 weeks after our wedding. I was thrilled for her, and told her that it was completely up to her on whether or not she wanted to be in the wedding.
She eventually made the decision to back out of the party, but said she would be happy to pay for the dress and keep it. I told her that it was absolutely fine, and appreciated her talking to me about it. I then asked another girl to take her place. No sooner than a week after I did that, she miscarried
She was very upset about losing the baby, and though my husband and I only wanted 6 on either side, we asked her if she would feel comfortable being a part of our wedding again. She immediately accepted, and my husband had the hard choice of finding one more groomsman (I wanted an even party). Compared to her loss, this was nothing.
My advice would be to leave it completely up to your bridesmaid. You can always order extra fabric to add to the dress if it isn’t maternity friendly. If she decides that it will be too much for her, then support her in her decision. I’m sure she’s honored to have been asked to be a part of your wedding day.