Post # 1
I asked one of my dear friends (lets call her Bri) to be in my wedding back in July ’09. Well, she got pregnant in March. We bought Bri’s dress about 2 weeks before we found out: it, of course, no longer fits her. My solution was to attempt to find a close-as-possible fabric & just add to the dress as she only needs about 3-4 inches more of fabric around the middle. Bri has yet to do anything about it, knowing it needs to get done, knowing we have less than 9 weeks to go. So I finally bring up the subject this past Sunday & she asks me, “Well, didn’t you look for something when you went to LA last time?”. This irritated me seeing as this is her dress. Friday I have to pick Bri up from work & take her fabric shopping because she won’t do it on her own.
I just want to add that Bri is not able to contribute much financially, and I understood 100% before even asking her to be in the wedding. But that brings me to my next issue: Bri’s participation. All my other girls, mom, FMIL, grandma, aunts & FSIL’s got together to plan my shower. When my mom messaged Bri to see if she was available she told my mom no. My mom told her that was fine, but she needed to come over on another date (they set up a date) to help w/ shower plans & projects. She tells my mom, “I’ll be there if I have nothing else going on”. No, that is not acceptable. Everyone else is contributing in one way or another and this is your contribution. She did show up but she brought her baby & husband & was not of much help to us anyway because of this, she has to look after her husband more than the kid!
I know it may not seem like a huge deal, but I’m sick of having to stay on her about little things. I’m stressing more over her than I am over myself and anyone else in the bridal party. When I saw her last I could tell how drained she was from being pregnant & having little help from her husband. I think she feels this is taking up too much time & money, two things I know she desperately needs right now. Being the great friend she is, I know she would not back out on me. However, I want her to know I understand & would totally agree should she feel the need to bow out. How do I tell her this w/out sounding as if I’m kicking her out?? I do not want to come across like that, but I want her to know she has the option.
Post # 3
“I’ll be there if I have nothing else going on”
sounds like she shouldn’t be a bridesmaid. I can understand not being able t contribute financially.. but she shouldnt have accepted the role as bridesmaid if she cant at least show up for your functions.
Post # 4
@CaraMia10: Well, with only a few months until the wedding, I think that perhaps you need to ride it out. Is her friendship worth weathering this issue? Or is this an ongoing thing (her being self absorbed). If it is recent since she has been pregnant, I’d cut her a little slack.
Post # 5
@CaraMia10: awe I’m sorry you are going through this! It sounds like it’s stressing you both out! I would just ask her to go to go out for lunch or to go get some coffee and play the sympathetic card… just be like “how are you feeling about the baby coming” “you seem a bit overwhelmed can I help with anything”, then when she starts telling you about how she feels just offer her an out: “Wow Bri it does sound like a lot is going on. I hope my wedding isn’t adding any extra pressure on you. I would totally understand if you needed to step down as a bridesmaid. Of course we would love for you to still be invovled- would you consider being a reader?”
Kind of play it off like you are doing her a favor, that way you aren’t kicking her out but are giving her the chance to step down on her terms!
Good luck <3
Post # 6
I agree with misscuppycake…
Post # 7
So she has a baby and she’s pregnant? Sounds stressful. I think if you want to be a real friend to her, and know she will still be a real friend to you, you’ll not expect her to help much. Having someone in the wedding party means they will stand up with you for your marriage. That doesn’t mean they’ll be there for you in every situation, and it does mean you’ll have to be there for them sometimes. You’re both busy – you offer to help with her kids and maybe she can help with wedding stuff.
Post # 8
Take it from me – you can’t control what parties get planned in your honor – you really should have no knowledge or particpation in this. It’s up to your family and friends to handle each other and get things done. Don’t let this worry you. I had a similar experience but it worked out when I let go and said I’m planning my wedding!
I agree with being pregnant and a bridesmaid she may just be able to get everyone. It is your job to pick the dresses, not hers. Obiously she needs help, if you care for her to stand up with you – then help her, if not then tell her so!
Post # 9
I also think you should take a step back from planning your own shower. You actually shouldn’t even know about it let alone know which BM’s did what. If it makes you feel better, know that every BM has a different level of involvement but their only real ‘job’ is to show up on the day of your wedding and stand next to you. And I think 9 weeks is waaay to early for her to be altering her dress BTW, her body is going to change so much in that time!
I had a pregnant BM who was not able to contribute financially. She was also hard for my other BM’s to reach and didn’t really participate in any group activity like planning the shower, bach party, etc. But she contributed in her own way by desiging the shower invitations and actually making me a really nice wedding present. The reason I was OK with all of this is because there is a reason I asked her to be my BM, I love her for who she is, not the BM I expect her to be.
Post # 10
I agree that you should just ride it out. Bridesmaids don’t actually have to do anything but there for you the day of. If she mentions that being a problem, feel free to let her take the lead and change how she’s involved. But you seem to really care for her, and I’m sure she cares for you so it’s really not worth damaging that over your wedding. Just remember, your friends were your friends before you were even engaged and will be your friends when you’re an old married lady. Your wedding however, is just one day.
Post # 11
All I know is, with all my pregnant friends, the more advanced they got in their pregnancy, the more focused they became on their own personal lives…which is totally understandable. I don’t agree with her flaking out on you, but I can understand why her focus seems to be completely elsewhere. If she can’t afford to be your bridesmaid, can you imagine the stress she’s going through bringing a child into the world?
Post # 12
Thanks, everyone, for the advice. Let me just start out by saying I appreciate you guys not making me feel like shizz, seriously.
After ranting last night I really took a step back & just said, “screw it”. I know things will get done and if they don’t there’s nothing I can do about it. I do love her, she’s one of my best friends; one of the few people that haven’t screwed me over completely. I do understand she has a lot going on, I don’t want to add to her stress either. I really think I just needed to vent.
As I said, her dress will hopefully get figured out tomorrow if we can find matching fabric. I really am looking forward to enjoying this time w/ her.
p.s. about the shower, I have NO idea what’s going on, lol. Everyone refuses to tell me anything. Just 2 more weeks, I am SO excited!