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i don't understand why you don't just invite her. she's an adult...she can go out and not drink. i would be kind of pissed if i was her that you're not even extending an invitation.
I think you should just continue to invite her to all these things.
You can give her a heads up and say, "We're mainly going to get drunk" or "There will be a lot of people smoking" but invite her and give her the option to say no.
Who knows, maybe she needed a late night bar bitch fest (even if she were only drinking seltzer).
If she feels excluded but you don't want to exclude her, then just invite her and leave it up to her to turn down the invitation. Maybe she's reacting to her fear that she'll lose you all when the baby is born, and she's not clearly seeing that poker night + cigarettes = not somewhere she wants to be, anyway. Give her the choice and maybe she'll calm down.
@kitzy: Agreed. You need to extend the invitation at least. And she can either come and not drink, or she can decline based on the environment, but really that should be left up to her. You are excluding her, and that sucks :( I have to imagine her feelings are really hurt even though I know you did not intentionally do it to hurt her.
As a pregnant girl - I would be upset also. Go ahead & invite her to things & let her be the one to decide if she thinks it is apporpriate for her. She is probably going through enough changes & hormones that the thought of losing her friends because she is pregnant is very upsetting! Still include her....if she does come & starts to be "debbie downer" then have that conversation but at least giver her a chance!
I think you should be inviting her and let her make the choice if she wants to go or not go. She can still hang out at the bar with you guys and not drink. Don't decide for her what is appropriate or not. She's capable of deciding for herself.
@busterbluth: Honestly, I don't see where she is asking you to stop doing what you've been doing. She is asking that you give her the option of saying no, and not just exclude her b/c you don't think she needs to participate. She is old enough (I assume) to decide which activities are appropriate for her. Are you excluding her b/c you truly think the activities are inappropriate for her, or are you excluding her b/c you feel like you would have to curb certain behavior if she were there?
INVITE HER FROM NOW ON!!! Not only is she now hormone cassarole (thank you Grey's for that reference), but now she feels like her friends are leaving her out. Of course you did it with the best intentions, but if she doesn't realize that, she's probably feeling very left out. Invite her to things...she can go if she wants, stay home if she doesn't. And probably let her know that you haven't been leaving her out because you don't want her around, just because you were concerned about being insensitive to her new needs.
I hate to say it but I do lean towards your friend's side a little bit. I would hate to be left out..and even if I wasn't planning on going, I would still like to have the choice. I'd like to feel included and feel like my friends still care to invite me to this stuff. Maybe from now on you could call her up and say " listen, we're going drinking and we'd like to invite you out, but completely understand if you're not feeling up to it since it wouldn't be that fun for you. In the end though, even if your friend can't drink, she should still have the option of hanging out with her girls and watch them make fools of themselves haha.
I have never been pregnant so I don't speak from personal experience, but I would hate not to have the choice. It would hurt my feelings for sure. How do you move on from here? Maybe a quick apology..tell her that from now on , obviously she's welcome to come to whatever.. that you'll include her in invites but obviously won't be offended if she doesn't come.
I can see how we maybe should have invited her out to the bar. Obviously she does not have to drink at a bar and can just get whatever non-alcoholic drink she wants and hang with us. In my mind I just thought she would not want to go out that late and watch us drink, especially because I know she hates that she cannot drink, but definitely in the future I will look at it from her perspective.
In terms of poker night, though, she has been to a bunch and knows that everyone smokes during poker. She used to smoke but quit when she was TTC, so she knows how things go down. I figured that was a no-brainer for her to realize that. She also has been to the apartment and knows there is no balcony/terrace. I do not see why she would be upset about not being invited unless she planned on asking everyone not to smoke during the game, which would not have gone over well.
I think it is probably more about fear of losing us as friends so I guess it does not hurt to just invite her even if she will probably decline. Like I said, this is all new to us and we had no idea she would be upset by it.
@busterbluth: For the poker night thing, maybe she just wanted the option to decline? Maybe she's worried she'll get cut off the list and won't be re-invited after she has her baby.
Until she does try to ask you not to smoke/change your behavior, don't assume she's going to.
I agree with the crowd. Just let her know the breakdown: we're going to be smoking indoors but you're welcome to come. We're going to a crowded bar to drink but if you want to dance come along. That way at least she has the option.
Agree with the others - even if she should not/cannot attend, extending the invite is just respecting her as a friend. Then she knows what everyone's up to instead of being out of the loop, even if she has to decline. I would be hurt if I were your friend in this scenario. There's no reason for you to make decisions for her.
Can I just say that I was dreading this thread getting all crazy and dramatic but you guys have been really really helpful at helping me to see the other side of the coin without being snarky or mean so THANK YOU!
Agree! Even though there's smoking, she still has the right to choose! Hopefully she declines for her baby's health..but if she doesn't .. you really have no right to tell her what's right and wrong in that regard. Always invite her along, and let her know what the evening will entail so she can make an informed decision.
I didn't see anything up there to make me think that she was ridiculous and unfair for wanting you to change your plans to suit her (your words). If I were her, I'd feel bad that I wasn't invited especially since she is the first one to get pregnant. Hey, I go out with my friends for drinks and I hardly drink. I could nurse a soda or two and just enjoy being out and then go home after an hour or two. It's not like she's an invalid. She can come out. Maybe not to poker night, since she didn't used to come all the time but start inviting her. And your attitude when writing the posts is not that cool. Even reading it, I can tell from your words that you are at your wits end and I wonder how the other ladies feel.
Well I do not think I have a bad attitude. I am just trying to figure out what the right way to handle this stuff is because I have never been in this situation before. If I had a bad attitude then I would not care about her feelings and would never have written the post in the first place!
It was a friend's birthday a couple weeks ago. They were having dinner at a restaurant first and then going out for some drinks. I'm eight weeks pregnant, and they still invited me. I went eat dinner with them and left before they headed out to the bars. My feelings would have really been hurt if I wouldn't have been invited at all.
@newbiecici: When we have done dinner and then bars, she has always been invited (and did what you did and leave after dinner). The situation in my post was one where we were just going to a bar late night. Still, she will be invited to the bars from now on.
I am going to go a bit against the grain here, but if I were a "smoker" at that poker party, I would have felt really uncomfortable smoking around a pregnant woman. Yes, everyone hopes that the pregnant girl would have the common sense to decline an invite to poker night, but we all know that not everyone have the same "common sense" that we do. OP - I think you are "in the right" by not inviting her (at least to poker night). BUT, I do think maybe you need to schedule a 'girls outing' with her, explain to her that you are not abandoning her, but you do plan on living the same lifestyle you enjoy. And remind her of all the times that you have hung out with her/are planning on doing "preggo-friendly" activities.
Most likely she won't want to go out at 11PM, but pregnancy is kind of lonely sometimes and if none of your friends have kids it's probably hard for her to deal with the feelings of being left out.
I'm 35 weeks pregnant, but I'm the last(ish) of my friends to have kids so nobody was going out during my pregnancy anyway, but I remember when my friends started having kids I didn't know the protocol on pregnant friends either. Just do everything you would normally do.
I don't think it's right for anyone except the mom-to-be to decide what "preggo activities" are right for her. She isn't a child, she is just expecting one.
Is it possible that she doesn't care if she'll be in a room full of smoke? She may not have a problem being pregnant and "second hand smoking." If she was already a smoker, that may be her way of keeping herself from having a cigarette. Or she may be smoking again. While I certainly see why you wouldn't think it was appropriate for her to be at the poker game, it's really her choice if she wants to be inhaling smoke all night.
If you're still a little uncomfortable with that, some perspective: nothing annoys a pregnant woman more than other people telling her what is best for her baby or what she must or shouldn't do just because of the baby. So if you do decide to talk to her about not being invited to poker, she'll probably still be pissed that you are essentially making a decision for her instead of letting her make her own.
I know we always invite everyone and let them make the decision of whether or not they'd like to come. Heck, we still usually invite our friend who lives 3 states away!
I've found that most people just want to feel included. But i understand how this can be confusing at times since I know I've read posts about people who were upset that they had limited funds for whatever reason and were upset that their friends were still inviting them to activities that they couldn't afford.
I think it is funny that in trying to be sensitive to someone, I have apparently been completely insensitive. Never in my life would I have thought that the RIGHT thing to do is to invite someone pregnant to a party in a smoke-filled room. You learn something new every day. This is why I like the boards :)
I think it is only OK for you to stop inviting her to these things if she consistently turns you down specifically because she is pregnant. My single friends stopped asking me to come out every Saturday night after I turned them down several times to be with DH and because I don't want to go out getting drunk and looking for guys anymore :)
But even though you don't think it's appropriate for her to come and she probably will say no, you should still invite her. Imagine how you would feel if your friends 'determined' you shouldn't go to a fun night out and didn't tell you about it. Then posted pics on FB.. ouch!
I would go ahead and invite her from now on just to make her happy. She can decide whether or not she wants to go but if she starts asking you guys to alter your plans because she’s pregnant (i.e. not smoking at an event that you have always smoked at), then I would stop inviting her. There’s no reason why you and your friends should have to change your plans because she's pregnant.
@busterbluth: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you have/had a bad attitude. I meant that your words seemed as if you were at your wits end... blah blah blah. But your intentions are sincere. You want to do what's best for your friend and that's what counts.
@bRooklynRocks: No worries. I was definitely a little stressed out in writing the post because I could not really see it from her perspective so I am thankful for all these posts because I understand where she is coming from now. I certainly do not want her to think that I am mad at her when I talk to her so I guess it is good I got that vent-y part of it out of my system :)
I think it's easy enough just to invite her and let her make the decision to accept or decline?
Have you seen the movie "500 days of Summer"? One of the best parts is where the lead character is going over his list of ideas for "realistic" greeting cards, and he makes one that says on the cover "Congratulations on your new baby!" and on the inside "Guess we're not going to hang out anymore".
She's probably already worried that she's going to be left out being that she's the first one of your group of friends to get to that stage of her life.
She may not be going out with you to get drunk with you guys, but the bartender will make her something nice (my recommendation is muddled blackberries and basil with soda) and she can enjoy your company.
Since announcing I'm pregnant, people love inviting me to the bars. They are always insured to have a designated driver, and I'm building up my arsenal of incriminating photos to blackmail for furture babysitting from friends.
Everyone has already said it all. Invite her and let her decide whether she wants to come. As a mom of two kids, I can say during pregnancy (especially if it's early) she may want to go out and do stuff because it's the last time she'll just be able to get up and go without worrying about a child. If she doesn't want to come, she can make that decision.
I was the first of my friends to have kids (or one of them) and I always appreciated being invited, even if I didn't always go.
I guess I don't understand why you think that you should be the one to dictate what social situations are appropriate for her and which ones are not. Invite her to everything and let her decide for herself what she does and doesn't want to take part in. Just cause she's pregnant doesn't mean she can't grab a cranberry juice and take part in some girl talk.
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Bear with me - this is kind of long but I want to give the whole story. I need some advice on how to deal with a friend who is pregnant. She is the first out of our group of friends to be pregnant so we are not really sure what the etiquette on this stuff is. So pregnant friend J is upset with me and my girlfriends because she says we are excluding her now that she is pregnant.
There were two times where she was not invited out when we were planning something. The first was a saturday night a few weeks ago when we were all going to meet up at a bar around 11:00 for drinks because we had all had a shitty week, so the goal there was basically just to get drunk. We did not invite her because obviously she cannot drink and because it was just drinks, not dinner, and it was late. She found out via Facebook (root of all evil!) and sort of passive aggressively posted comments on some pictures.
The second time was this past friday. One of our friends was hosting poker night at her apartment. When we play poker, the majority of people there are smokers or social smokers and the games last a long time (often until 1 or 2AM). This friend's apartment does not have outdoor space, so it would not have been an option to leave to go outside to smoke. J has come to poker nights before she got pregnant but she is not really a big player and does not always come when invited, so we figured she would not care. Apparently we were wrong because we got a group text from her that was very angry about the fact that she was not invited and just in general telling us we are excluding her from things.
The thing is, she is not across the board excluded from things because she is pregnant! We often have dinner parties or go out to dinner and she is always invited. The things she was "excluded" from were things that involved activities that would not have been appropriate for a pregnant woman so I do not really know what I am supposed to say here. I feel bad that she feels excluded but at the same time it is annoying - it seems like she expects us to change our plans to work around her pregnancy, which is ridiculous and unfair. It is not like all we do is sit around drinking and smoking cigarettes, but yes sometimes - as non-pregnant women - we like to do those things. When we are doing other stuff, she is more than welcome and we love seeing her.
Anyway, how do we move forward from here? I love my friend but I do not know how to handle her right now.