Post # 1
So my future SIL has always been a bit peculiar. Last year when FI’s and her brother passed away she decided that his funeral was the perfect place to announce that she was 8 weeks pregnant.In front of a 100 people, many of a home she didn’t know and hadn’t seen in years. Not only it was cringeworthy but also upsetting for FI since it was a day to remember his brother not talk about SIL’s pregnancy.
Sadly at 20 weeks they found out the baby had serious problems. They could either have a termination straight away or wait until seeing the neurologist at 25 weeks to do more in depth check ups. They decided to wait and when the neurologist was very pessimistic weeks of drama on what do we do ensued. In the end they choose to terminate at 29 weeks. It was very sad but even sadder was that they found out that she is a carrier for this sindrome and they have a 50% chance of it happening again.
This has all been very hard on MIL but she has powered through losing her son and also having to explain to everyone that she wouldn’t become a grandmother but she has turned a new leaf and was excited to focus on our autumn wedding in italy.
Well last week SIL calls to say she is pregnant again. She got pregnant just 2 months post partum and will be 18-20 weeks around our wedding. MIL is very upset and isn’t talking to them much since she is worried the child will have problems again and that theyay not be able to attend the wedding since it will be around the time of the anatomy scan.
SIL and husband have already booked their trip for Europe but keep trying to change the plans we have made (months ago) saying SIL will be too tired to do this or that or unable to do certain things.
I understand but I don’t want to change the plans we made ages ago. Also I find their concern hypocritical sometimes. For example SIL refuses to fly from Italy to France because she is worried about baby but she’s already flying across the Atlantic?!? Me and FI sometimes get the feeling that she is looking for attention.
We are also upset because this situation has caused a bit of tension in FI’s family which will probably make their stay in Italy less fun. We were so looking forward to showing everyone around and sharing our lives overseas and now I feel like there will this awkward situation that will make it less enjoyable.
FI thinks his sister will end up not coming for medical reasons which also makes him sad since after his brother’s passing she’s his only sibling.
Sorry about the rant 🙁 had to get it off my chest 🙁
Post # 2
Definitely an attention seeker. I think you’ll be lucky if she doesn’t attend, because she’ll find a way to make your wedding all about her. I have relatives like her and they try to hijack other people’s events, all the while dissing and criticizing them. Good luck!
Post # 3
For the love, what a pain. And if she hasn’t already, I’m sure she’ll be milking the “I’m the only sibling you have left…” card any moment. Personally, I wouldn’t change anything about my plans for her. She probably shouldnt be there anyway. If she’s going to be too tired, etc. to do anything while there, then she can sleep in her hotel room.
Post # 4
They had to terminate a pregnancy, and were lucky enough to getppregnant again and your MIL is upset because they might miss a wedding? Those are fucked up priorities.
Post # 5
Normal people don’t announce pregnancies at a sibling’s funeral. That is incredibly inappropriate. As for your wedding, she may not be allowed to fly depending on how far along she is or if she’s experiencing any health issues. Your wedding doesn’t trump her pregnancy and her pregnancy doesn’t trump your wedding. I absolutely wouldn’t change any of your plans to accommodate her. If she can’t be there, she can’t be there. It’s not the end of the world.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t change your plans. She may decide to not even come at 20 weeks pregnant anyway. If she does she could always hang out in the hotel if she was tired.
However, you sound pretty judgmental of this woman who just went through an extremely traumatizing event. So sorry that her having to terminate a pregnancy at 29 weeks might put a strain on your fun…
Post # 7
sara_tiara: she’s upset because she considers it irresponsible to get pregnant when you know you have a 50% chance of passing on a life threatening condition. If her child is effected she will probably have to have another traumatic late term termination. I must say I tend to agree.
Also MIL is upset because her daughter refused counseling to help her deal with what has happened and refused to look at alternative methods to avoid passing on this illness.
Post # 8
walnutgirl: Just carry on with your plans. Unfortunately there are an infinite number of reasons that some family members cannot attend a wedding, particularly one that is overseas. My best friend’s brother couldn’t attend her wedding as he worked on a cruise ship as was simply unable to ever give her a date when he knew for sure he would be on time off.
Your family is more than capable of celebrating your wedding, even if this pregnancy prevents her from attending.
Post # 9
ilovebacon: I agree.
OP, I think the best thing to do is keep your plans as they are. Changing anything just because of your sister’s pregnancy won’t help anyone, not even your sister. I think it will also cause more stress for your MIL, and she really doesn’t need that.
You and your fiancée should do what’s right for your situation. Your SIL and her husband will handle their situation however they see fit. If that means she can’t attend the wedding, so be it. It’s not in your or your fiancée’s control and, therefore, isn’t something you need to worry about.
Think about your wedding, do what you need to do, and don’t let SIL’s situation take up more of your time and consideration than it deserves, which is very little.
By the way, I understand your worries and your MIL’s worries. Based on what you wrote, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you’re viewing this situation.
Post # 10
walnutgirl: do you need to get your FI tested for the syndrome if his sister is a carrier could he be too?
Is it possible she told people at the funeral because she thought people would appreciate some good news/hope for the future or whatever on such a sad day? Or it was too hard to just concentrate on loosing her brother?
I’d stop stressing and wait and see what happens with the pregnancy, there’s not really anything else you can do other than hope that this one is in the 50% without the syndrome. Maybe she’s fussing about the idea of flying when pregnant because it’s preferable to stressing about the potential for having to have another termination.
I’m just attempting to see the other side. I may be totally wrong and it is all about attention but it might not be
Post # 11
Westwood: my only judgement is that it’s irresponsible to ignore that you are a carrier for a life threatening disease (with 50% chance of the baby being effected).
The termination had nothing to do with my wedding… I don’t know why you thought those two facts were in any way correlated. What I’m saying is me (and FI,MIL and my family)don’t want to change plans that were made a months ago to accommodate SIL. She knew what the plans were and she knew when they tried to get pregnant again how far along she’d be at the wedding and during their big European trip so I would assume she’d be aware of the consequences. We honestly never thought we’d be in this situation since the doctor had advised therapy and waiting at least 6 months before thinking again about children. Instead she got pregnant as soon as she could.
Post # 12
If you haven’t had to go through what she has (and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone), I think it’s very unfair to judge her decision to try again, even if it is soon….she also has a 50 per cent chance the baby will be just fine, and if they really want children (which it sounds like they do), they are probably just trying to keep hope alive that they can land on the right side of the 50 per cent this time. I don’t see how trying again is “ignoring” that she’s a carrier…they’re still getting tested.
Post # 13
cpick: This was my thought as well. If the syndrome is congenital, OP, your FI should go for genetic counseling as soon as possible. Heaven forbid he also carries the gene for this syndrome, but if he does, it’s probably better that you two get a chance to process this and discuss the implications sooner rather than later.
More generally, I know this must be INCREDIBLY frustrating; this tragedy aside, your SIL sounds like a total drama queen with extremely questionable judgment (announcing an 8wo pregnany at a funeral?!?).
You’re not going to be able to change that, so the question becomes, how do you keep it from bothering you as much as it could?
I think the easiest way to get through it is to force yourself to cultivate massive compassion for her. If she has always wanted to be a mom, then this whole tragedy will have really REALLY thrown her for a loop, and waiting to find out about the health of the fetus must be AGONIZING for her. I can absolutely see how that would drive her to misbehave/fret about inappropriate things by way of distracting herself or channeling her anxiety. It’s not cool, it’s not fair to you, but it’s understandable. Focusing on that aspect may help you to avoid feeling the anger that would otherwise cause YOU unhappiness in the days leading up to your wedding.
Post # 14
sara_tiara: I think everyone is worried about her state of mind (she refused counseling and still refuses to acknowledged that she is a carrier… She says the doctors are wrong. ) Also they are not doing any special test on the baby, they’ll see at the routine anatomy scan if the brain has developed.
Instead of just trying again and hoping for the best her doctor had advised to do some sort of assisted conceiving (not sure about the name) so that the child would definitely be healthy.
I think her family hoped that she’d take the time to heal emotionally and physically before trying again.
Post # 15
I am not going to play the drama card on this FSIL— while it really is unusual and awkward to announce a pregnancy at her brother’s funeral, people do weird and unexpected things when they are grieving. OP I think you need to cut your FSIL a whole lot of slack, at least on that part. Don’t dare judge how you would act if you were pregnant and attending your brother’s funeral.
Your FMIL not talking to your FSIL because FSIL got pregnant again is counter-productive at best. Again, none of you know what it is like to bury your brother then terminate a pregnancy in such a short time frame, so you don’t know if she is trying to be an attention whore or if she’s in an emotional whirlwind to the point that she’s not really in control any more. I think both you and your FMIL need to stop casting judgment and just be prepared to offer advice and support (only if asked– because it’s not advice till it is asked for).
Continue with your plans. Don’t change things for your FSIL’s benefit, because you have no way to predict what will be easy or difficult for her in a few months— and by not changing plans, you reduce the opportunity for conflict when you’re asked to make further changes. Accept that she and her husband may or may not be part of your wedding activities and let it go.
Do not judge her actions because they may not reflect her intent. She may be in the middle of an emotional breakdown and you just don’t know it yet.