Pregnant SIL difficulties

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee

Definitely an attention seeker. I think you’ll be lucky if she doesn’t attend, because she’ll find a way to make your wedding all about her. I have relatives like her and they try to hijack other people’s events, all the while dissing and criticizing them. Good luck!

 

Post # 3
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

For the love, what a pain. And if she hasn’t already, I’m sure she’ll be milking the “I’m the only sibling you have left…” card any moment. Personally, I wouldn’t change anything about my plans for her. She probably shouldnt be there anyway.  If she’s going to be too tired, etc. to do anything while there, then she can sleep in her hotel room.

Post # 4
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

They had to terminate a pregnancy, and were lucky enough to getppregnant again and your MIL is upset because they might miss a wedding? Those are fucked up priorities.

Post # 5
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

Normal people don’t announce pregnancies at a sibling’s funeral. That is incredibly inappropriate. As for your wedding, she may not be allowed to fly depending on how far along she is or if she’s experiencing any health issues. Your wedding doesn’t trump her pregnancy and her pregnancy doesn’t trump your wedding. I absolutely wouldn’t change any of your plans to accommodate her. If she can’t be there, she can’t be there. It’s not the end of the world.

Post # 6
Member
7075 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t change your plans. She may decide to not even come at 20 weeks pregnant anyway. If she does she could always hang out in the hotel if she was tired.

However, you sound pretty judgmental of this woman who just went through an extremely traumatizing event. So sorry that her having to terminate a pregnancy at 29 weeks might put a strain on your fun…

Post # 8
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

walnutgirl:  Just carry on with your plans. Unfortunately there are an infinite number of reasons that some family members cannot attend a wedding, particularly one that is overseas. My best friend’s brother couldn’t attend her wedding as he worked on a cruise ship as was simply unable to ever give her a date when he knew for sure he would be on time off.

Your family is more than capable of celebrating your wedding, even if this pregnancy prevents her from attending.

Post # 9
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

ilovebacon:  I agree.

OP, I think the best thing to do is keep your plans as they are. Changing anything just because of your sister’s pregnancy won’t help anyone, not even your sister. I think it will also cause more stress for your MIL, and she really doesn’t need that. 

You and your fiancée should do what’s right for your situation. Your SIL and her husband will handle their situation however they see fit. If that means she can’t attend the wedding, so be it. It’s not in your or your fiancée’s control and, therefore, isn’t something you need to worry about.

Think about your wedding, do what you need to do, and don’t let SIL’s situation take up more of your time and consideration than it deserves, which is very little. 

By the way, I understand your worries and your MIL’s worries. Based on what you wrote, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you’re viewing this situation. 

Post # 10
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

walnutgirl:  do you need to get your FI tested for the syndrome if his sister is a carrier could he be too? 

Is it possible she told people at the funeral because she thought people would appreciate some good news/hope for the future or whatever on such a sad day? Or it was too hard to just concentrate on loosing her brother?

I’d stop stressing and wait and see what happens with the pregnancy,  there’s not really anything else you can do other than hope that this one is in the 50% without the syndrome. Maybe she’s fussing about the idea of flying when pregnant because it’s preferable to stressing about the potential for having to have another termination.

I’m just attempting to see the other side. I may be totally wrong and it is all about attention but it might not be

Post # 12
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you haven’t had to go through what she has (and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone), I think it’s very unfair to judge her decision to try again, even if it is soon….she also has a 50 per cent chance the baby will be just fine, and if they really want children (which it sounds like they do), they are probably just trying to keep hope alive that they can land on the right side of the 50 per cent this time. I don’t see how trying again is “ignoring” that she’s a carrier…they’re still getting tested. 

Post # 13
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

cpick:  This was my thought as well. If the syndrome is congenital, OP, your FI should go for genetic counseling as soon as possible. Heaven forbid he also carries the gene for this syndrome, but if he does, it’s probably better that you two get a chance to process this and discuss the implications sooner rather than later.

More generally, I know this must be INCREDIBLY frustrating; this tragedy aside, your SIL sounds like a total drama queen with extremely questionable judgment (announcing an 8wo pregnany at a funeral?!?).

You’re not going to be able to change that, so the question becomes, how do you keep it from bothering you as much as it could?

I think the easiest way to get through it is to force yourself to cultivate massive compassion for her. If she has always wanted to be a mom, then this whole tragedy will have really REALLY thrown her for a loop, and waiting to find out about the health of the fetus must be AGONIZING for her. I can absolutely see how that would drive her to misbehave/fret about inappropriate things by way of distracting herself or channeling her anxiety. It’s not cool, it’s not fair to you, but it’s understandable. Focusing on that aspect may help you to avoid feeling the anger that would otherwise cause YOU unhappiness in the days leading up to your wedding.

Post # 15
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am not going to play the drama card on this FSIL— while it really is unusual and awkward to announce a pregnancy at her brother’s funeral, people do weird and unexpected things when they are grieving. OP I think you need to cut your FSIL a whole lot of slack, at least on that part. Don’t dare judge how you would act if you were pregnant and attending your brother’s funeral.

Your FMIL not talking to your FSIL because FSIL got pregnant again is counter-productive at best. Again, none of you know what it is like to bury your brother then terminate a pregnancy in such a short time frame, so you don’t know if she is trying to be an attention whore or if she’s in an emotional whirlwind to the point that she’s not really in control any more.  I think both you and your FMIL need to stop casting judgment and just be prepared to offer advice and support (only if asked– because it’s not advice till it is asked for).

Continue with your plans. Don’t change things for your FSIL’s benefit, because you have no way to predict what will be easy or difficult for her in a few months— and by not changing plans, you reduce the opportunity for conflict when you’re asked to make further changes.  Accept that she and her husband may or may not be part of your wedding activities and let it go.

Do not judge her actions because they may not reflect her intent. She may be in the middle of an emotional breakdown and you just don’t know it yet.  

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