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Wow, tough situation. She probably thought that because of the PCOS she wouldn't get pregnant (I have it and endo, so yeah, I've been guilty of the same thoughts.) I don't know that there's much you can do, personally, other than what you're doing. I think you DO need to be really careful though. If she lets this go on too long before making a decision, you'll be caught right in the middle.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by supporting her.
I would encourage her to go back to Planned Parenthood or other locally available pregnancy counselling service. She has a relatively short period of time to make a decision about whether or not she will carry this pregnancy to term.
She is 17, not 14 so i think you are ok for now. My best advice ( I was 18 when I got pregnant and his dad left 2 weeks after finding out) is to just BE there for her. Offer her comfort, not necessarily advice. Unfortunetley there isn't much you can advise her. it's all up to her. I would have loved to have had that comfort from someone. My fam disowned me when I told them at 3 months so I had one friend and a whole lot of very caring coworkers. I know you are worried but there isn't much for you to worry over. I find it amicable you are protecting her, but i see it more as support. If had advice to offer her it would be, get your ducks in a row before you say anything to your family. make decisions and stick to them. have a doable plan to present to your fam. I did not. lol smh I just went to mom and dad and said I dont know what to do and they told me to leave, my story has a happy ending though. i worked my butt off and went to college and got my degree in 2 1/2 years whlile wotrking full time:) it can be done. does she want to go to college? I'd encourage that too. and if she decides to not go that route and keep it a secret and "terminate" just give her lots of love and support. ((hugs)) pm me if you want. I have LOTS to say on this matter having gone through it.
I already made sure she took the counselling, and she took a bunch of booklets home with her explaining all the different options. She wants to keep the baby from the sounds of it, and because FI's family is Catholic I can't see her getting an abortion and being able to live with herself. I'm just worried about her being able to go on with her life regardless of what she chooses- FI and I will love her regardless.
I'm glad to here it can work out well in the end. I'm sure my IL's wouldn't throw her out, but they're going to be extremely angry. I'm trying my best not to tell her what I think at all because I don't want to influence her decision.
Thanks for your first-hand advice!
@FutureJessicaMcB: She will be fine. :) Her life will go differently than she had planned it, but it will all work out. I hope her family is as supportive as you. They may be going through their own hurt (brothers) but at the end of the day, babies are happy things. I've posted before about my own fertility issues (since you mentioned the brothers having fertility or MC issues in their lives) and it doesn't mean they can't be happy for an addition, regardless of the mother's age.
@FutureJessicaMcB: If she is going to keep the pregnancy, I would just support her in telling her parents at a time of her choice.
Many young women have had a child and gone on to finish their education and live a productive life. It will definitely add to her challenges but with support she will do just fine.
I really hope her brothers can step up and be there for her. FI will get over it, but his brother is one of those "The world is out to get me" people who I'm worried will accuse her of doing this on purpose to "out-shine" him (he accused FI and I of doing this when we got engaged for some reason). I'm keeping my fingers crossed everyone will realize this is hardest on her and that they shouldn't be selfish though.
That's what I figured too. FI and I have told her in the past that she can move in with us (she has a lot of problems with FI's dad) if need be, so she'll go to college and succeed one way or the other. I guess I'm just more worried about her in the emotional sense than anything.
Go to a local Chruch organization or pregnancy clinic and look into the options. They can help her get prenatal care support, and even talk about adoption options. ( I'm not sure about Canadas provisions)
Children are a beautiful gift and there is no reason to view it as a negative thing. My guess is if she was mature enough to have sex, she is mature enough to handle the consequences.
@FutureJessicaMcB: The BEST ADVICE i ever got, probably top 10 in my life,
was from a guy i dated who called to tell me he had heard through the grapevine that i was prego. He was 27 and i was 18 and he said that he was sure that I ws thinking about "losing" my life and he said, don't worry, cuase you know what? the party never ends. I promise you that in 10 years when you can go out again the SAME people will be there at the clubs and in the bars. well, not the same exact people but pretty mcuh for the most part the same characters. He said i want you to know that you aren't gonna miss anything.
And you know what? he was right!! I didnt! I skipped my 20's for the most part but I def didnt miss out.we go "out" all the time now. ANd i def grew up with my son and grew up faster than my peers but it is a good thing.
another piece of advice, try not to feel bad that her life will not go on as planned. I am Catholic too and i saw it as Gods Will, and if it was Gods will then it will work out if she makes the right decisins.
remind her that as pissed as her parents may be, they will soften and be excited the closer it gets to the baby being here. My parents DISOWNED me and when my son was born they couldn't keep away from him.
In the end my son brought our family back together :)
a friend of mine fell pregnant at 17, I had no idea on how to advise her, or even how to help as i was only 17 myself. the only thing i could do for her was to reasure her i would be there for her no matter what. it turn out for the best.
you just need to be the shoulder to cry on, the person she can call at anytime. i hope her family will be able to offer her the same support.
it's such a hard year you guys have had but i see that after 2 deaths a new baby can only bring hope into your family. after i lost my baby i found out my brothers wife was pregnant. and even though i removed myself from most things entirely, the news of a new baby in the family gave my some hope. i will be honest i was a little jealous but happy for them none the less.
good luck, your fsil is lucky to have you
That is a tough situation. I know all about teenage pregnancy... I will be praying for her, I know how scary it is. It all works out though :)
I commend you for helping your FSIL out. She needs you more than anything, everyone needs a support system in such a horrible/terrifying situation. I would wait until she's comfortable with it and you and her can tell your FI together, before anyone else. That way, if the offer still stands for her to move in with you guys, you can move her in before she tells the rest of the family. That way, no one can be hurtful to her or pressure her. I feel really bad that your FBIL is going to act so crappy to his sister.
As a mom who had her daughter at 17 you have no idea how much you being their for her and not pressuring her helps! I wish I had someone like to to talk to when I was going threw it.
Another thing most people dont think about it you need to talk to her school (assuming she is still in high school) and find out what their policy on teen pregnacy is. She will miss some school for doctors appointments. And they may require her to take a parenting class or move to a different school.
If you need any advice on how to help her feel free to PM me I have been in her shoes and it is a scary road but she will get threw it!
I was pregnant at 19 and was kicked out of the house after moving back home again. I was able to find a job as a live in nanny, and towards the end of my pregnancy my family finally accepted that I was a) not aborting the baby and b) not giving it up for adoption. I had been partying for years so I never felt like I was giving anything up. My family is now very involved in my son's life so I will say that things might be dicey at first, but they might decide to accept the child in the end. My son is now 13 and I have had my ups and downs with my family, but they are there when needed.
And let's be honest, nowadays being a young mother does not have the stigma that it used to. Even in the Catholic church. The best thing that you can do for her is be there for her even if no one else in the family is. She will need that support.
@FutureJessicaMcB: I was 20 when i had my son. I know its a bit older but the situation was the same in my mind. its still very young in my mind ot have a child. My son was not planned but I was committed so I guess tha tmakes it different too. I would say to just be there for her. The worst thing for her righ tnow is to feel alone. She will ultimately have to be the one to make a decision and I would just be supportive in whatever she chooses. its a scary thing and it is not an easy situation. But I had my son young and am now doing just fine. But only because I have supportive friends and family and had a great circle around me. If i had been alone I am not sure how I would have handled things. I wish her all the best and you and your FI's family as well.
I would encourage adoption as an option for her. I got pregnant right before I graduated high school, and I gave the baby up for adoption. It was definitely the best decision. I wasn't ready to be a mother (I'm still not!), and she is so happy with her adoptive parents. Plus I thought it was super important she have a dad, and she wouldn't have had one if I had kept her.
She can always get an open adoption, or choose parents that will send pictures and letters. Those are the best, in my opinion.
@cubicalmouse: I have to disagree. Simply because I think trying to push her in any one direction isnt the best idea in my mind. I think she should be informed of all of her options and be given the freedom to make the choice on her own. I think for me it would have offended me in a way to have someone encourage me to give my baby up for adoption. Even if i thought they had good intentions. Adoption (just like keeping the baby, or having an abortion) is only for some people and I think it should be up to her. So for me, giving her unconditional support is the best approach. But again, to each his\her own.
I think it's great you are just being there to support her without giving her your opinion on what she should do. Just keep her away from people that pressure her to act in a certain way, one way or another.
I tend to agree that making any radical statements like "You should go with adoption" would be a bad idea. She's a young, vulnerable, scared kid who needs to be able to make her own decisions without feeling like I'm trying to weigh in on what is ultimately her choice. I'm just struggling with feeling like no advice may also be as bad as bad advice though.
I've resolved to just be there for her on the advice of all you Bees- especially after the 17 year old father started spouting some nonsense about how she's "ruining his life" if she won't get an abortion. And she keeps going on about how she still "loves him".
Tough stuff Bees, thanks for helping me to support her better!
@FutureJessicaMcB: you have to remind her that its natural for her to still love him and that as hard as it may be she needs to keep his feelings on the matter at bay. its her body and although its his life that will be affected as well he also made the choice to act irresponsibly and being sexually active has consequences when one doesnt take proper precautions. even when you DO practice safe sex, the only real safe way is abstinence. so him voicing his stance on it is one thing but him making her feel that her not choosing an abortion is ruining his life is wrong in my opinion. but he is young, scared and probably freaking out. which is understandable. But as her support I would reiterate to her that this is her choice. I would not say to give her "no advice". THAT would be my advice, dont let anyone else or their feelings influence your decision. this is something that she will live with for the rest of her life and she should be able to decide for herself what she will truly be ok with. also, keep her as informed as possible about ALL of her options. then talk with her about what making an alternative choice would mean for both her and the baby. I think this type of approach would have helped me so so much.
I was lucky in that my son's father was very supportive. we were actually already engaged so the committment was there which helped alot. My heart breaks for her because there is not easy choice here. I really to commend you for being supportive through this. I do hope things work out in the best way possible for her with whatever she chooses to do.
UPDATE:
Hey Bees!
I just wanted to thank everyone for their support. My FSIL still hasn't told my IL's, but has her 14 week ultrasound coming up on Monday at which point she plans on telling them. She's decided to keep the baby despite the father continuing to be wretched to her.
I'm going to admit that I'm very nervous about how they'll treat her once they find out as FBIL has been causing so much unnecessary drama over his stupid slutty girlfriend (completely different topic) and he could be a catalyst to making this worse. Also, now my FSIL is very concerned that I'm going to be in deep with my in-laws and even though I don't care, she feels like she shouldn't tell them because they'll know that I knew. So difficult, but she's finally going to tell them.
I'll let you know how it goes Bees, holding out hope my FIL's will be understanding as possible.
Yipes. How terrifying for her and the rest of the family as well. I can't imagine being a teen and being told a few times I wasn't pregnant only to find out I WAS. O.O Wow.
Kudos to her for having courage to want the baby after all this, especially with the father out of the picture.
I am so sorry your FH's family is going through this but can only encourage and think the road ahead will be hard for everyone but you guys can get through it!
I'm really curious to hear how this all turned out. I'm so happy that she had you to confide in for support.
I also wanted to weigh in on the small debate that turned up on here versus keeping/adoption/abortion. I know someone close to our family who had her son at 19 and chose to keep him. I was much younger at the time, but even I knew that it wasn't in his best interest. She was not mature enough, and still isn't. The child is now 12 years old, and is practically failing out of school. Her parents are still intensely involved in raising him, but I think that's because he'd have no emotional support from her. They were the ones who got up with him at night, cared for him for days at a time when she would take off to spend time with friends, etc. If he didn't have his grandparents, I don't know what would've happened. (It's so bad that he will have to text them to come over to their house to break up verbal fights between him and his mother.)
The ability of a young mom to care for her child totally depends on her own maturity level. I know 18-20 year olds who could care for a child, and I know 24 year olds who are still far too immature. But I just wanted to weigh in and say that keeping the baby doesn't always end well. I am very worried what peer pressure is going to do to this kid once he starts high school.
@MissEdamame: I am very worried what peer pressure is going to do to this kid once he starts high school.
What does that even mean? Not all teen moms are bad moms, and I doubt if she kept the baby, he would be made fun of by the time he hit high school. Its actually starting to become common (not a good thing) to be a young mom, so I doubt he would be 'Pressured" into anything
@MrsSl82be: What I intended by that is he's not getting his emotional needs met in his relationship with his primary caregiver, which means he may be more susceptible to make poor decisions in high school, run away, self-medicate, etc.
And I know some women who were excellent teen moms with well-adjusted kids. But that's not the way it always works out.
@MissEdamame: Any child is at risk to make poor choices when they reach that age regardles of their parents age. I am sure we can all tell stories of good and bad parents that are any age, completely depends on the person. Why don't you start a thread about your concerns about children to teen parents, it seems like the OP came here for advice on a specific situation?
@MrsMeNow: I'll stop offering my opinion here, but I was weighing in on the previous opinions offered above (keeping versus giving the baby up for adoption). It's ultimately the teen's decision anyways, but I wanted to comment on that. Sorry.
@FutureJessicaMcB: Just wondering if there was an update on how she went telling her parents?
I had my son when I was 16, and I kinda put a friend of the family in the same situation. She actually worked with my mother, and I told her over facebook.. She didn't tell my mom, and I am VERY happy she didn't. I think it would of been a lot worst if she did. I would probably talk to the girl and ask her if you can tell your FI, then you wont have to deal with this by yourself. Obviously her mother is going to find out somehow, but let her make the choice when its going to happen.
When it comes to my situation, I dont regret a thing. Ya, it sucked when my friends went out without me (they actually celebrated my 19th birthday at the bars without me lol). But I couldn't imagine my life without him now. We are still living with my parents, and both FI and I are in school, but I wouldn't change it for the world!
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Hey Bees!
So to preface my post FI's family has been in rough shape for a while. His older gay brother (of a set of twins) killed himself last September which was hard on FI's Catholic family. This September the surviving twin brother and his girlfriend lost a pregnancy at 21 weeks. In addition to his brothers (his full-blood siblings) he has three much younger half-sisters.
FI's oldest sister (we'll call her M) is newly 17 and just broke up with her boyfriend of a little over a year. She came to me after they broke up and confided in me that she thought she was pregnant and begged me not to tell anyone. I didn't know what to do, so I brought her to a planned parenthood type place to confirm the pregnancy. The urine test gave her a negative, so we figured she was probably fine.
The next week she had shooting pains (she suffers from PCOS) and was rushed to hospital with FMIL. They did M's bloodwork and told her in private that she was not pregnant according to the bloodwork they did, but they'd like her to come back for an internal ultrasound without her mother.
Well yesterday we were facebooking and she tells me that the internal ultrasound proved her to be 8 weeks pregnant! I can tell she's scared, and I don't know what to tell her (I also feel a bit guilty because in my teens I was very promiscuous and never suffered any consequences). I told her I'll bring her prenatal vitamins until she makes her decision and is ready to tell her family what she's decided.
I don't know what else to do to support her Bees, she's been through so much in the last year and a half and I don't want to hurt her or give her bad advice. And I can't tell FI because while he won't tell his parents he will be very resentful towards her as he is much older and has fertility problems and the other brother just lost a baby and is very angry at the world right now. Am I doing the wrong thing here by trying to protect her?