- 3 years ago
I have been engaged about 2 months now and have loved reading the posts/advice on here, I am hoping to get some advice regarding my engagement. Unfortunately it has not been “the happiest time of my life” that I imagined but instead the most stressful. My FI and I have been together about a year and a half and we each own our own homes so we decided to wait until at least engagement to live together; he has a 6 yr old child from an ex girlfriend that I get along with well but unfortunately there is a lot of drama with FI’s ex (between them and she hates me/refuses to meet me).
I was shocked but extremely happy about getting engaged, he made it sound like he needed to save up money for the ring so I wasn’t expecting it to happen until next year. He treats me like a queen and I feel like we have a once in a lifetime/movie kind of love if that makes any sense. A few things to note: We are both in our early 30s and live about 40 minutes apart, he owns his home with his child’s mother and hasn’t been able to refinance to get her name off it because he pays such a high child support amount even though he makes the mortgage payment alone. He was pretty wild (stupid) in his 20s and had some run-ins with the law but has not had any issues for 10 years…until post-engagement. We have had drama related to his child’s mom and schedules but that has been getting better.
Shortly after getting engaged FI was accused of drinking and driving; fortunately no one was hurt and he is fighting the charges but I am so upset and disappointed in his behavior. He will lose his license for a minimum of 2 years no matter what (more likely 6+) and likely have to spend 30-90 days in jail if he is found guilty. He planned on selling his home and moving in with me this fall but now that is not a possibility due to not having a license (his family can help drive him to work and to/from picking up his child where he lives now and it isn’t feasible with our schedules for me to drive him from here an hour across town and then to my job every day). He is taking this very seriously and has quit drinking, smoking and is attending court mandated substance abuse classes. He has apologized profusely and has promised to stay out of trouble if I stay by his side. I keep telling myself if I love him enough to say yes to getting married I should stick through the good and the bad times; however, I’ve made it very clear that I will not be his taxi driver (especially to/from child pickups and dropoffs since I haven’t been welcome in the past) and if anything else happens I’m done.
We have started looking at houses near where he lives with the expectation that after he goes to court I will sell my home and we will buy something close to his work and the child’s pickup/drop off location. I am so resentful about this, to find a house comparable to mine will cost about $80K more then my current home. I don’t want to move but I am sick of doing all of the driving to spend time with him. I end up staying at his house more often then mine which irritates me because I hate his house (seriously it is falling apart and a total bachelor pad). I make considerably more then he does so even if we move in together, I will likely pay the same or more then I currently do. This worries me because if we have kids adding daycare costs and the other expenses will be a huge financial strain. Moving into his house is not an option, it is falling apart and they owe more then the house is worth.
I have looked into premarital counseling through a psychologists office since neither of us are particularly religious but my friends are encouraging me to just end things and look for a guy with less drama. In addition to the dui and house drama, I am continually asked if I’ve set a date yet which is so stressful. We are trying to keep his legal issues on the downlow so I can’t really answer with “I can’t plan anything because he has to go to court and find out if he’s going to jail.”
I guess my main questions are:
1 – Has anyone else gone through pre-marital counseling that was not through a church? If so, was it helpful and what topics were discussed? Did you get to pick topics or was there a list/agenda?
2 – Has anyone else supported a boyfriend/fiance through a situation like this (court issues, substance abuse, etc.)? What advice do you have?
3 – I have had friends that know about his baby mama drama and court issues tell me to run while I have a chance and that love isn’t everything; I am going to try to stick by him at least until he goes to court but if he goes to jail for an extended amount of time and/or loses his license forever I am not sure that I will be able to go forward with our marriage. Has anyone on here ended and engagement, and if so what is the proper protocol? We haven’t picked a date, vendor, sent out save the dates, etc. but most people know about our engagement and I know it will be incredibly awkward and I’m not sure that I will ever even want to date again because I don’t think any other guy could make me feel loved the way my FI does.
Thanks ladies, I appreciate your advice and regardless of what FI and I decide I will likely start individual counseling just to have someone to vent to :/