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I am posting this because I am so tormented, I barely slept last night. My fiance worked with a lawyer and had a prenup drawn up without discussing it with me. Then he gives it to me last night....19 days before our wedding. I know we all love to talk about love and bliss and I am sorry to not be on that same boat at the moment. I don't know what to do but the timing and the way it was done seems and feels so wrong. Our relationship has been wonderful. I am shocked.
He hasn't mentioned anything about it at all in the past? Seems kind of weird to blindside you like this.
First step - get yourself a lawyer to review.
Second step - talk to your FH about where this came from and why the short notice
Third step - try to listen with an open mind, there's probably a good reason behind it (although the execution sucks) and make sure that your interests are covered in the document as well. If not, have your lawyer send it back to his for revisions until both of you are sure that it's not a one-way protection that completely screws you over.
I think this is definitely something that should include your input and yes his way of going about it was unsavory, I think.
Did he ever tell you before there'd be a prenup? Do you have any of your own assets? I definitely agree that this is something that should've been brought up MUCH sooner and I'm unsure how to give you advice.. I'd be very shocked as well.
Wow. I am vocally pro pre nups but that is way wrong. He better have a good explanation for why the short notice and why he expects you to sign it without have had a hand in drafting it or having had time to get a lawyer etc.
What you do, do not sign it without having time and a lawyer to look at it and revise. Do not. If he calls off/postpones the wedding because of this, that's on him.
Wow. I'm wholeheartedly in favor of pre-nups, but I'm still flabbergasted by this. A pre-nup should be about protecting *both* of you, and should have been something you talked about and agreed on together. To just dump it on you without any warning, three weeks before the wedding? Just...wow.
He handled this horribly. He owes you an explanation and an apology, stat.
And don't even think about signing anything until a lawyer has vetted it.
At the very least he needs to get you a lawyer to review the document with you and make any changes you feel you need. He cannot expect you to sign this without your own lawyer.
But it was a bitch move to drop this on you this close to the wedding. There, I said it.
What did he say when he presented it to you? Did you ask as to why he waited so long and didn't discuss with you months ago? This should be something you both agreed to. I would be furious and very upset. I would talk to him ASAP. Did either of you ever mention the idea of having a a pre-nup in the past? Definately do not sign until you've discussed with him. Do you even want one?
Agree with pp who said he owes you an explanation and an apology immediately! I'm in favor of prenups if the situation warrants, but it isn't something that should ever come out of left field at a time when you are basically being "forced" into signing, since you are weeks out from your wedding.
Also agree with pp who said you definately should have a lawyer read through the document before you sign anything.
I totally agree with all PP's, Prenups should protect BOTH parties, and for you to have had no input is ridiculous. Not only that, but to not tell you he was working with a lawyer, to spring it on you NOW?!?!?!
Legally speaking, believe me, this is too short notice. The invites have gone out, dress is bought, you're really under pressure to sign this bad boy. Even if you sign this, he will have a very difficult time having it held up in court (if G-d forbid you have to go through that.) You will see, once your attorney reviews it, they might even point out where it is a weakly-drafted document. After all, it sounds like a last minute type of deal.
The more important issue is, why was this handled so badly? You two need to have a frank talk about what is really going on with him. I wish you the best of luck!!!!
I would be pretty furious with my husband if he did this with only 19 days to go until our wedding. Not because it's a prenup, but because he didn't discuss this with me beforehand or give me a chance to draft it with my own lawyer. Lawyer up and get to it!
I am very pro- prenup but the way he did it is not ok. I deff wouldnt sign anything with out a lawyer and an explanation!
WOW. Just wow. That is ridiculous. I don't mean to upset you, but I'd be worried that this was a tactical decision on his part. That is really deceitful and just.... wow.
I'm pro pre-nup, but this is unconscionable and insensitive and so many other things. 19 days? Get a lawyer ASAP. Hopefully you can get this squared away in time... but if this is a sign of things to come... you need to have a serious conversation with your FI... and evaluate whether you feel comfortable marrying someone who would do this to you. Maybe he was just ignorant about the process and decided to do it last minute... but still....
Wow. I thinks prenups are smart, but doing it with no notice so close tothe wedding when you might not be able to have someone review and negotiate revisions....that was not a good move on his part. You guys really need to sit down and discuss why he did that...it's pretty shady.
I wholeheartedly agree with the others. Get a lawyer asap and hand it over for him/her to look through. also, when calling the lawyers, explain what happened. You'd be surprised how sympathetic and happy (to help and for the business!) they'll be to help you.
also, demand to know what the heck he's thinking! get an explanation and don't be afraid to show how offended you are. it could be he felt pressured by his family or friends into getting one... and did it to shut them up. without asking, it's impossible to know.
sounds like he's trying to "force" you into signing it and, it very well COULD be held up in court if you DO sign it without a lawyer present. if he went to a lawyer, then 10 to 1, it's legal and binding. there are a LOT of sleezy lawyers that manage this sort of thing, so don't think it won't be useable in court.
a prenup is supposed to be for both sides, but it can also be very one-sided depending on how it's drafted and stated.
good luck and sorry you've gotta go through this so close to your wedding!!!
I agree with everyone else - that was really shi!!y of him to dump on you 19 days before your wedding. To do it this way screams something urgent came out of nowhere like family pressure or god forbid something else. I would absolutely want to know why it came up and is so important at this time, to work through trust issues in addition to protecting your assets.
I'm with everyone else on this.
Whatever you do, DO NOT sign anything until you have a lawyer of your own read over the document and make revisions where appropriate. I am not against pre-nups, but they should be handled as a couple, to protect both parties involved.
Have you two discussed this at all or do you have any idea why he would want a pre-nup?
You get your own lawyer. Don't have him get one for you. You go do it.
I am also totally with everyone else on this. Get yourself a lawyer. If it was me, I would probably walk away from this relationship; just because he never discussed it with you ahead of time. This is something that the both of you should have discussed a long time ago; prior to setting your wedding date. What he has done is very underhanded in my opinion, and I would not trust someone like that.
I don't have anything else to add that hasn't already been said but I do want to say that I'm so sorry he did that the way that he did! I hope he has a good reasons for his actions.
Thank you everyone for your input! I am still in shock. He sat me down last night, right before I was going to work on my vows, to discuss. He started off talking about his parents' assets and that they want them protected so that all of their children get the estate, and not their spouses (they have 2 other children who are married and the marriages are not fabulous). Then, he turns this 10 page document over on the table. I was so upset about the way he did all of this but I tried to listen...then, when I started reading the document, it made me really upset. He owns his own business (which we created together btw) and I totally get that he wants it to be protected. I told him a year ago when we started to create the business that I only believe in a prenup for that reason but no other. But he didn't attempt to draft a prenup then. I am a strong christian and my family is not in support of prenups. My parents have been married for 30 years. So, it really hurt me. I am not a greedy person....only practical. If we were to divorce, I would have nothing, at least that's what the prenup states right now. However, he did say that I should get a lawyer, look over it and after I brought up reasons why I was upset, he said he is willing to discuss some things on it. I do not have a whole lot right now as I gave up a lot of my savings and my awesome job to start on this business together. He has a lot more than me. I just feel like I am moving full-speed to the alter right now and have been triped and fallen on my head. I guess a lawyer is my next step. It just feels so yucky....like we are already divorced. Again, I understand the purpose of the prenup, I just don't think this is the right way of handling it. What kept me up last night was thinking that the man I thought I knew so well after 7 years, who I thought was considerate, would do this to me right now. What does he think of me?
If you helped him build this business, then you already should have a share of it, plain and simple.
If you have participated in financing the business, or have otherwise given up assets to support that business (like your job, so that you could give the business your time) then it is not *his* business. It is a joint endeavor, and you are entitled to some share of it. No lawyer worth anything will let that stand if you show it to them.
Edited to add: and if he doesn't understand that already, then I would be seriously concerned about how he views your role in the marriage. Allowing a lawyer to draft a pre-nup that doesn't recognize your contribution, let along asking you to sign it, syas to me that he doesn't view you as a full partner.
If his family is worried about their assets being protected. In some states, I know that family inheritance is not considered joint property. It works the same way premarital assets work. Only assets acquired during the marriage are divided during divorce, and family inheritance wouldn't be included in that. So their assets may already be protected without needing a pre-nup.
If you two are building a business together, then you should get half of the assets earned from that business before, during, and post marriage. PERIOD. He in no way has rights to the full value of the business the two of you built together. Even if you do not contribute financially to the business, you giving up your job to work on it with him is worth half, just like a relationship where one spouse stays home with children while the other works.
I am so sorry. My SO and I have discussed this many times and we aren't even engaged, because we both have family assets that we are concerned about protecting should something happen. I don't know what I would do if we were about to get married and a bomb was dropped on me like you. Good Luck, stay stong, and be logical about getting it all sorted out.
First, I agree with pretty much everything said here. Make sure your lawyer protects your interests in the business. Let him keep his parents' $$ but include coverage for any children.
Second, take into consideration that he *may* have been pressured into this, directly or indirectly, but his parents. Give him the benefit of the doubt - after all this is the man that yesterday you trusted whole heartedly. Perhaps he is just overwhelmed with everything and thought that this was making it simpler for you (to have one drawn up already). I don't agree with what he did, but don't let it ruin your excitement.
Have faith and good luck.. :)
You are talking about two very separate issues.
1). His parents assets. What state do you live in? What states do his parents reside in? In many states, any assets that transfer to children upon death through a will are protected in divorces because inheritances do not fall under marital assets. This even includes money deposited into a joint account.
2). Your business with your FI. If you two started this together, the fact that he wants you to sign a contract prohibiting you from any assets if you were to divorce is very strange. You say that you two started it together. Are both of your names on the license as owners?
Then there is #3).
3). His own assets. Does the pre-nup also prohibit you from receiving any of his assets if you were to divorce? What about if you have children. Does it provide for anything for them?
While the way he presented you with this is very insensitive and abrupt, if this has to do with the first item, that is understandable. But, if the pre-nup has to do with either of the other two items - your business and his assets that he accrues after marriage, I would be very worried.
Wow, I can understand protecting family assets but that sounds really messed up that it's drafted to say you get nothing of the business you started together. If I were you, I would get my tail to a lawyer as quickly as possible today to redraft that thing! If you love your FI, sign it to give him peace of mind but on your terms.
I am so sorry to hear you're going through this - sounds to me like his parents probably pressured him into doing this and he probably didn't think about how it would impact you.
I believe it's possible to sign a post-nup - meaning it's the same kind of document protecting your assets and dividing up joint property in the event of death or divorce, but it gets signed after the wedding. Obviously the only assets you will have acquired by that point are wedding gifts, so check with a lawyer (or the ladies on here..) and talk to him about doing that instead to ensure you have plenty of time to review it with a lawyer and make changes as needed (a process that can take months). NO REASON to be rushed and pushed into this now, as long as you agree to work out the details after the wedding. And I'd urge him to make sure his parents stay out of it going forward - this is about you and him; they need to butt out (and he needs to learn to say no to them, if that's the case).
Good luck :(
Here's what I don't get about this whole thing. He didn't just call a lawyer yesterday morning and then get the finished ten-page document yesterday afternoon to give to you last night. He had to have called to make an appointment with an attorney, met with the attorney, then given the attorney some time to work on the document, then most likely met with the attorney again to review and pick up the document. EVEN if this was a last-minute thing he was pressured into by his parents...he has had this in the works for a while. Why didn't he bring it up to you as soon as he decided to do it? I'd be furious that he had been working on this for a while and never mentioned it.
I also agree wtih the other posters that you definitely need a lawyer. I also agree with the other posters that a business that both of you have contributed to both financially as well as given up your job for should be considered to belong partially to you...NOT just his.
That is really, really terrible. I would be so sad and hurt.
I fully agree with having a prenup, but as others have said, it should be something that you work out jointly and something that protects you both.
You definitely need your own lawyer to look at this, make changes, and advise you. If you cannot afford one because you have quit your job to work on your business, I think you should ask your FI to help with the costs (but don't let him choose the lawyer). Also, I agree with others that if you have contributed your money or time or given up opportunities to work on this business, it is yours too and you need to make sure your share of it is protected. Don't let yourself be set up to be left with nothing.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Even if it takes some time and you end up with a "post-nup" rather than a "pre-nup," it is worth the effort and investment. You have to protect yourself here.
We need some of the attorneys on this board to pipe in!
The purpose of a pre-nup is to protect both parties and must still follow state laws. It is not always a bad thing. This pre-nup is not protecting you or your family's assets. In some states, it's not even valid if one of the parties signs without being represented by a separate lawyer or under duress (which this is definitely a case of). This agreement should protect your rights and interests just as much as his, especially in the case of your business.
As everybody else said, you definitely need a very experienced attorney ASAP. It is probably going to get a little messy because your attorney is going to crush this thing. You may have to make some serious decisions about your future with this person. Whether he did this on purpose or just handled it poorly, you really need to have a discussion about it.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope everything works out OK.
I think you need to consider adding the following terms:
Should you divorce, he must "buy you out" of the business. His buy out must include either:
Ensure all your assets are accounted for while you are married. Keep your car in your name, and anything else you don't want to be split to him. Put the mortgage/house in BOTH of your names to ensure a 50/50 split. You can also specify these things in the contract (i.e. any vehicle purchased for your use is retained by you after divorce, even if he purchased the vehicle AND any property acquired during the marriage is to be owned equally by both parties regardless of whose name is on the mortgage, etc.)
If he can't agree to those terms, then he isn't looking out for you, only himself. And that should be a BIG red flag!
Not to project, but I had an ex-bf who refused to sign a contract with identical conditions, and I ended up dumping him. He wanted a contract which protected only himself, and I viewed that as him not seeing me as an equal partner in the relationship. It's the same crap his dad pulled on his mom, and there was no way I was ending up like her.
WOW! I am so sorry that he is springing a prenup on you like this. My FI and I are writing a prenup (it is at the lawyers now) but we both agreed to it and everything that is in it.
DO NOT sign anything. Go find yourself a lawyer that specializes in FAMILY law. If you do not agree with some of the language that he has put in it then counter with other language. 19 days before the wedding would seriously piss me off somthing vicious, I am so sorry.
Oh no... I agree with the others. Don't sign anything until you see your own lawyer. Sounds like you know that. I agree that it is absolutely uncool that he would spring this on you now. And that it sounds unfair the way it is currently written. If you helped him create the business, I think you are entitled to a piece of it in the event of divorce. So I guess you need to counter with what you think is fair, and see what he says.
And... not to be manipulative, but... I'm not so sure I'd speak to him until you counter, actually. Normally I am not a fan of passive agression, but I think he needs to see how seriously hurt you are that this is coming up now. Maybe a week of no contact and a document at the end of it will help him see that this is a serious situation and that he needs to be reasonable now that he's opened this can of worms.
Just my $0.02. Good luck :)
I get the parents wanting to protect their assets, but a business that you invested money in? That doesn't seem legal or something.
Yyyyyyeah I also agree that the parents wanting to protect their assets is one thing...but you INVESTED IN THIS BUSINESS. If he's never shown any behavior like this before, methinks his parents got to him in a major "you-can't-let-her-have-anything" way.
Hi-
Two quick things:
1) Yes, you need to get a lawyer to review. I am not sure where you live, but I would contact your local Bar Association and ask for their lawyer referral service, Here in CA, those orgs are separate from the State Bar.
2) I would also encourage you to read up on the applicable laws. Nolo Press is a great resource for non-lawyers and has materials specific to prenups.
Hope that helps, his timing blows.
I won't comment on the legal aspects, as other Bees have already addressed that better than I could. In your update, though, you still didn't get a reason why he sprang this on you with such short notice.
It sounds like his parents are well off and you own a business together. I'm going to conclude from this that he has some experience with finance and this was not a mistake based on naivety. Also, you brought this up before and he didn't feel the need a few months ago - so what gives?
Also, it sounds like he presented you with a pre-nup that kind of screws you over! Like you said, you're not getting divorced - at this point he should be treating you as a wife and looking out for your interests too. That doesn't mean I would expect him to give you 90% of everything in a fit of romance, but not have you sign a paper that leaves you with nothing!
I think another, more ind-depth talk is in order, but maybe a day or two to cool off first. I mean you're less than 3 weeks out - what happens if you can't agree? Is he willing to postpone the wedding? The situation is nuts, and it sounds like a pressure tactic. So sorry for your troubles!
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