Post # 1
This will be my first marriage. My fiancee has been married once before and lost quite a bit. He had brought up the idea of a prenup about 6 months ago, it was discussed, and I said I would sign if he liked. He then decided he didn’t want to, and wanted to avoid the dark cloud over our marraige. Last night I got home (just over a month before the wedding), and found prenup templates on his desk. When I asked him about it, he said he never stopped thinking about getting one. He also said we’ve been fighting a lot more lately and wants to protect himself. Mostly in case “I leave him to find someone better.”
There is no large sum of money, he just doesn’t want to lose any more than he already has. I understand that. I don’t want his money. I’m not materialistic. I only want his love.
But I cannot seem to get the negative aspect out of my head. I feel he’s assuming we’re going to fail. If we fail, it’s no real skin off his back! It’s not unconditional love, it’s love with conditions. It has totally taken the wind right out of my wedding sail. And even if we don’t move forward with it, I still am going to feel like he’s doubting us or going in with a bad attitude.
Maybe I’m old school, but I am vowing to love and be with him for the rest of my life. And I mean it!! I will fight to make it work.
How do I get this negative feeling out of my head with or without a prenup? How do I move forward with my big day?
Post # 3
I think they are a good idea for everyone. No one likes to think about the ugly but it happens, OFTEN. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to protect himself and you can have your lawyer make one to protect you and any future kids.
People turn into completely different people when going thru a divorce. Think of it for something for BOTH of you not just for him.
Post # 4
@Lizbeth: I read somewhere (probably on A Practical Wedding) that you shouldn’t get married if you can’t talk about divorce. It doesn’t mean you think you’ll fail, but it does mean you’re being smart and practical. Get a lawyer to help work on the prenup for you. An interesting fact is that after a divorce, statistically women come out with less money and are more likely to have dramatic cut backs in quality of life, while men are more likely to have money and quality of life increases. If you ever plan on working from home, a prenup is a good idea because you will have given years of unpaid labor to your family. Plus, you’ll have been out of the workforce and might have a hard time getting a job.
Don’t think of it as “preparing for failure” but rather protecting against a messy divorce if something goes wrong. If there is already a contract in place, maybe things will end more smoothly and you’ll be able to stay friends/support each other/be good co-parents rather than fight over money.
I sometimes think that some kind of contract should be required before any marriage, because so many people (and kids) go through hell during/after a divorce.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
He waited too long. One month is extremely short notice. That’s the sticking point here. Maybe you both can write up a post-nuptial agreement if there is no large sum to protect, as you say.
Post # 6
I think that pre-nuptials should be discussed pretty early on in the wedding planning process. It’s not really fair to bring something like that up a month or two before the wedding. This is the time when you are taking care of last minute wedding details. This late in the game, your FI should start looking into post-nups which are done after the wedding.
Post # 7
You agreed to sign one before. Has anything really changed since then, except for your wedding date being closer? If he wants one and it will set his mind at ease, then it is probably worth it to sign it. However, you should make sure the terms are equitable, meaning that you are just as protected by it as he is. Have a lawyer look it over. Also, remember that a pre-nup agreement does not just have to be about the end of a marriage…it can also be about how agreements on how you will handle finances and such during the marriage.
Post # 8
He said he didn’t want one and now a month before the wedding brings it up again? He waited too long in my opinion. For me, a pre-nup is a deal breaker…. I understand the practicality, and sure it works for some people, but my fiance and I are old-school. We’re vowing to be together until death do us part…. No offense to those who do sign one – that’s cool, just not for me.
Post # 9
It’s hard to imagine where someone is coming from if you have never had the same experience. He has already loved, married, and had to deal with his ex ripping him apart financially. The fact that he’s even willing to get married is a big step, but I think you should talk about the prenup, mutually agree on what goes in it to protect BOTH of you, and sign it. A prenup is not something saying you give up or that you’re doomed to fail. Sometimes relationships fall apart. And you may say that you are willing to stay with him no matter what, but what if he hit you? Or your kids? What if he cheated on you? How are YOU protected? Or something less ominous-what if you both find that after ten years you just have different interests, and aren’t in love anymore? It happens a lot. IMO a prenup is not just a way to protect yourself but to show your SO that you care for them and want both of you to be ok in the worst case.
I think that the fact you have been arguing lately is scaring him. This would go a long way to assuring him. And who knows, maybe after you talk it over and you sign it he decides it was silly and rips it up.
Post # 10
I’m usually pro pre-nup. Hubs and I don’t have one, but I think in a lot of situations they can be a good idea. But I agree that the timing is not appropriate, especially given that you found the paperwork and confronted him. How long was he going to wait before he brought it up to you? However, I’m surprised no one else has commented on the fact that he pointed out he felt you “had been fighting a lot lately”… that’s a really important point to me. It doesn’t seem like he is just doing this in case of an unexpected worse case scenario, but because he actually has some doubts about your marriage. I would get to a couples counselor stat, and possibly push back the wedding until you work out these issues.
Post # 11
My FI an I are having a PreNup. We both have assets that we are bringing to this marriage and want them protected if it doesn’t work out. It does nto change how much I love him or how much he loves me. I think that because he was married before and his ex took him through the ringer that I understand why he wants one. I am the daughter of a lawyer and wouldn’t get married without one to protect my assets.
NoLo is a great site to get information in REAL language that people understand. Here is a link to the Prenup part: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/article-29569.html
I hope that this will help you with it. I do not think that having a prenup puts a cloud over your marriage.