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If the situation were reversed and your FI came into money... how would you want him to handle it? Then I'd handle it however you'd hope he would handle it!
I was wondering about a pre-nup myself. It is not just about the money in the bank, but I also own property, and so does he. Not sure how I should go about finding a lawyer?
We're signing one. It may not be right for everyone, but we both agreed that what we build together is ours, while pre-relationship assets will remain the property (and responsibility) of the individual. Hopefully when we're 82 none of that will matter!
There are several possible costs, just try to minimize them. I see:
So really to me it would depend on how much money it is, and how likely he is to be upset by the idea and the actual thing.
How do you feel about the prenup yourself? How do you imagine yourself feeling with and without one?
We're getting one, if FH gets organised and arranges it :) At the moment it's more for his security (he bought 2 properties before he met me so needs to protect those proceeds) but I am interested in protecting myself too as I will probably earn more over the lifetime and if something happens between us I wouldn't want him to be able to get his hands on more of my savings/superannuation than is appropriate :) We have always known we would get one because he was sued by his ex-gf and after that we agreed we would always protect our finances. The day after we got engaged, he asked if I would sign one and I said yes, as long as he came to pre-marriage counselling with me. I figured it was a fair trade! Good luck with your situation - I think it's a bit tricky and you will need a lawyer for yourself, and probably a therapist too - I suspect you've got a bit of a rocky road ahead of you! All the best.
I haven't signed one, but usually in bringing up difficult topics, it's good to approach from a 'softer' angle. You'll want to have thought out VERY clearly what you want in the end, but don't let it come off that way - for example, saying, "Have you ever thought about prenuptial agreements? Between managing my finances after Mom's passing, and the headache of paying for this wedding, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be financially responsible lately." is 'softer' than saying "I've decided we need to sign a prenup so your mom can't get her hands on my trust fund. Here's the paperwork the lawyer has drawn up."
:)
Hope it goes smoothly!
I really don't think anyone can sum it up better than daydreamwanderer! I second everything she said. Kid gloves are a requirement here.
Good luck! :)
My FI does not seem to be upset in the least. We have lived together for 4+ years and have a very solid relationship, but I think it is the smart choice regardless.
@million I agree with you 100%. I feel the same way.
I offered to sign a pre-nup but my fiance doesn't want to. I personally have no issues with them. We are not doing one but I have told him that if he wants one in the future (a post-nup) then I would be open to it. We will only be getting divorced for one of two reasons: emotional/physical abuse or infidelity (I think it's called a covenant marriage) so for us, the pre-nup would be a safety net that we should never need.
We will sign one. We have talked about it before and it was a major concern for my parents. My parents have set aside money and a living trust for me and when they pass away I will receive all those assets. They had a huge problem with my Mom's brother trying to take more than what was his when my grandfather passed away and it was a HUGE mess.
That being said, its just easier when things are laid out on the table and whether or not you have to use them (hopefully not) everything is taken care of. It's much less of a headache for us. I would want it the same way for him if his parents had set up a trust for him. Theoretically that money is his and was his before he met me.
If we remain together its not like I am going to be like "ohhh this is my money, find your own!" If we are married, that money will be "ours" just not legally lol
We're signing one. We figured, if we don't need it it doesn't hurt to sign it. Like, whenever you bring an umbrella with you it doesn't rain!
I really like TarragonFly's point - if you have it you may be less likely to use it! I think it is smart to get a prenup, then you can go forward in the marriage without these issues hanging over your head.
If your FI is absolutely opposed to it, I would talk to a lawyer about the laws in your state (I know, I know, but I am a law student, so I can't help it). There are ways to keep your money separate so that it does not become "marital property" divisible upon divorce, but it depends on the state you get divorced in.
We have one. We both have property and money from before and we also have kids from before, so it made the most sense. Any family lawyer can do this, ours was preety cheap, only about $250 since we weren't contesting anything.
Nope. we talked about it and came to the conclusion that it's not necessary in our situation.
If Lambster or I had anything to protect, we probably would have discussed it more. However, since buying the house together and him paying for school, our financial situations have become almost even and we no longer have a reason to discuss signing one.
@honeybear -I have a similar situation and I wanted to get your advice. When my parents pass, I will inherit a windfall of money and I very worrysome that my in-laws who are not very financially stable will try to guilt us into giving them some. How did your pre-nup work? I have been discussing with my parents the different options of wording their will so that the money comes soley to me, but I am afraid that when we are married and I inherit this money, my FI's parents will try to guilt us into giving them some because they haven't made the wisest financial decisions. I have talked to my FI about this somewhat - when I inherit my money, none will go to any of his family members and he gets very offended that I would even think they would do this. As it is, FI helps pay their mortgage among other things. How did you work the pre-nup?
Thanks.
I'd be fine signing one or not signing one. At the very least, having this kind of conversation really opens up communication between you and your partner, which is always a good thing. If something like this shakes your relationship and it's really a cost, like Chelseamorning mentioned, then i think that's more of a problem. If you think you may be interested, just see a lawyer and discuss. 200/hour is better than being unsettled about it, and certainly better in the case of divorce to lose half of your family's money.
I would be okay with signing one if either of us had anything to protect before we got married! As it is, we were both pretty much broke when we met, and since then have built up our savings together and bought a house together. The majority of what's mine is his, and the very small amount that isn't, I doubt he would want if we ever broke up... (knock on wood!)
We may sign one, but honestly, when we looked into it the lawyer said that what we wanted was pretty much what state law already says anyways (we keep what we walk into the marriage with, split assets from during the marriage.) In fact, even with a pre-nup there are many things that you legally CAN'T change, i.e., all assets from the marriage being split.
The only thing it might impact are things like 401Ks that are only in one of our names.
My fiance wants one, but is not passionate about it. I don't really want one, but I'm willing to entertain the thought of one if my fiance ends up deciding it's really important to him. Basically, it'll be on him to do most of the legwork, and I'll go find my own lawyer if it comes to that.
My future hubby and I are not signing a pre nup.
We are choosing not to sign one because we are young (I'm 22 and he is 23 and are getting married in June) and do not have lots of $/property and neither of us have children.
If I had children or was getting married later in life (after making money, purchasing homes, had children) then i would find it more needed.
People with inheritance issues:
You might want to check the laws in your state. I believe many states specifically exclude inheritances from community property, regardless of the (non-)existence of a prenup.
Keep in mind that a prenup would only have an impact on your finances in the case of divorce and/or death. It does nothing to protect in-laws from trying to guilt you out of money while you're married. Dealing with that one is going to take a lot of fortitude, communication, and probably some therapy.
We didn't do one because we were pretty equal money-wise before we got married. My student loans were about the same amount as his car loan and we had similar amounts of savings, plus our joint mortgage.
I hadn't thought about inheritence but I think our parents are in a similar place financially. Plus, I know my parents will most likely leave anything leftover directly to grandkids, not my brothers and I.
Oh and MrsBell, I am HORRIFIED that your inlaws are expecting you to pay for everything!
It drives me crazy when people turn into leeches.
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Anyone getting one & how did you talk to your fiancee about it?
As mentioned in my other post ("FMIL drama (surprise, surprise)"), I recently came into some inheritence money when my mother passed away a couple months back, and have felt some underlying tension with my in-laws since they seem to be struggling financially & have expected me to pay for EVERYTHING. I love my fiancee to death, but my mother was married & divorced four times & raised me to be a realistic, independent woman regardless.