Preparing for Disappointment

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I had a situation with an ex like that a few years ago. (oh my, 11 almost, lol). He had pumped up my birthday present, we had been together two years, etc, etc. He made me a mix tape instead. I just had a sip of wine and told him thank you then got on a fun topic . A few weeks later I told him of my disappointment, Which he had sensed. We were together until the 2nd of Janurary. We loved each other but he just couldn’t commit.

Post # 4
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@NotablySidedJP:  Give him the benefit of the doubt. He said before the end of the year, it’s August, there’s more than plenty of time! This way you get to keep your birthday as your birthday and your engagment will be a seperate holiday 😉 I feel ya though! After a serious talk months ago, I am ansty as all heck and sometimes I have to stop myself from expecting it everytime he comes up behind me! 

All in good time my friend, good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

I was in your shoes this past winter! I’m 28 and had been with my FI (then bf) for 4 years. I had told him the winter prior that if he wast ready to get married by next New Years I would have to move on. he viewed it as an ultimatum, although it wasn’t, but marriage and children are incredibly important to me and he could take it or leave it, so if he wasn’t ready by then I didn’t think he ever would be and I’d have to find someone who was. He was pissed about it and just felt really pressured. He just simply wasn’t ready but couldn’t pinpoint why. It was incredibly frustrating for me and him. I decided to stop talking about it and let him sort it out. So when New Years a came and went and he didn’t so much as bring it up… Lets just at things became “heated” lol

i had a complete meltdown and told him I couldnt trust him to consider me and what is important to me when making decisions. It actually ended up being the best conversation we’d ever had. We talked about what we liked and didn’t like about our relationship. The conversation ended on a great note with him saying he never paid much attention to the great parts of our relationship and that he had it pretty awesome. He asked if I would please give him a bit more time but would understand if I couldn’t. I told him that I couldn’t wait around unless I knew he was putting some serious thought into it. He promised to and I gave him a couple more months. 

He asked me to be his wife 1.5 months later, on Valentines day! I honestly think that conversation, saying out loud all things we love about “us” saved our relationship. 

Post # 6
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

I know the waiting and wanting it to happen gets frustrating, you still have a couple of months until the end of the year, you should wait and see what happens before you make a decision now.

Post # 7
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

One of the things I find very strange on this board (and rather unfriendly) is the continual talk of “ungratefulness” and how a girl should be happy they have any sort of proposal at all from a guy (as if life could not exist without them or something).  I’m 45 on my second marriage and here to tell you it does and you still survive believe it or not! I personally think that is a terribly co-dependant outlook to carry around or to press upon a person. Very disempowering.

I do think, like the previous poster said, that you’re probably going to have to have a serious conversation with him about what both of you want and feel and need. No ones needs should be subservient to the other. You are not ungrateful for having needs, and he seems to have his own issues as well.

Most importantly, I think you need to feel strong in your own self accepting your own needs and desires as valid, as well as his own needs and desires. Getting the two to match up with be the trick.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@NotablySidedJP:  I was convinced a few months prior to our anniversary that FI would propose on our anniversary, but the few weeks leading up to it i was 99% sure he didn’t have a ring and it wasn’t gonna happen. I was pretty bummed. I tried to convince myself to just enjoy our anniversary for what it was. he totally surprised me when he proposed! If he is going to propose, I kinda think its a good idea to not be expecting it, so I’m actually happy that he fooled me.

Anyway, you really never know. If you SO is anything like my FI, then he has some tricks up his sleeve

 

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@NotablySidedJP:  Honestly, 3 years is not THAT long.  Seems like a pretty normal length af time to date before an engagement, so while I understand you cannot change the way you feel, I suggest you stop feeling this desperate about a proposal.  Also, you leaving would pretty much be an ultimatum, and I think it is bad sign when an engagemen is the product of an ultimatum.  Just my two cents.  

Post # 10
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@NotablySidedJP:  I felt that way when I was waiting.  He promised me he would propose by our 2 year anniversary… he didn’t propose until 2 months before our 3 anniversary.  That’s a lot of holidays to be disppointed!  I know you are frustrated, but he hasn’t even hit his deadline yet- so give him a chance.  No sense worrying about it before it’s happened, right? AND, if you are disappointed for your birthday, then you can write a post on the bee and all the bees who have been there will sympathize with you- good luck!

Post # 11
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@NotablySidedJP:  Honestly, 3 years is not THAT long.  Seems like a pretty normal length af time to date before an engagement, so while I understand you cannot change the way you feel, I suggest you stop feeling this desperate about a proposal.  Also, you leaving would pretty much be an ultimatum, and I think it is bad sign when an engagemen is the product of an ultimatum.  Just my two cents.  

Post # 12
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

While I do think only you can decide when you have had enough waiting, I do also believe in giving him the benefit of the doubt.  It sounds like he is on board with getting engaged and married, and he told you he was prepared to do so, and even gave you a timeline of when it would happen by.  He didnt choose too long of a window, and the fact that he said by the end of the year makes me think he already has an idea for how/when to make it happen.  He might be thinking Xmas proposal, or NYE?  Both might be very nice and romantic in his mind 🙂

I feel your pain so much.  I had myself worked up about being engaged around Thanksgiving, and we discussed it and he let me know he wanted to wait until Spring (he had just been laid off, and was feeling like he couldn’t make such a big change then), and so I just kept telling myself- Spring!  Then it came time for Valentine’s Day, and I just started getting all worked up.  Wouldn’t it be perfect, I know he said Spring, but still, I got all dressed up and fancy and we went to this nice place and had a great romantic dinner, and the whole time I am just waiting for it to happen, and of course it didn’t.

We came home, and I cried in the tub.  Why was I so upset when he had given a time frame and it wasn’t here yet?!  Because I wanted it so badly, and I was so beyond ready, and I just couldn’t take the wait.  I told him days later when I had calmed down, and he seemed beyond surprised.  He had no idea that I was thinking it was going to happen, because he had something else planned, that’s all he said.  He also said I wasn’t allowed to guess or talk any more about it 🙂

Fast foward a few weeks (barely Spring), and he proposed in the mort romantic way, and I absoluetly adored it.  I almost ruined it by being too impatient, as there is no way Valentines Day would have topped what he actually did. 

My advice from the other side is this, be patient.  You know he wants to do this, and even though you hope he will be unable to wait, he may have a plan in his mind that is different.  That doesn’t mean it won’t happen, it just means that you are ready, and he almost is.  He’ll be there one day very soon and it will be amazing to know that you both are now looking towards the future together.  It’ll be worth all the waiting. 

If the New Year comes and it hasn’t happened, then its time for a very serious talk.

Post # 13
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

rblan006: There’s no measure on when someone is ready to be engaged and when they are looking for something too soon, we are all different.  I was ready 2 years in, and while I don’t feel I was desperate for a proposal, I was ready to the point of frustration when it wasn’t happening right away.  3 years is forever in some cases, and in others 8 years isn’t long enough to be ready. 

Nothing is more hurtful though than telling someone who is feeling like this that they are being desperate.  There’s nothing desperate about being ready to move on to the next stage in your life.

Post # 14
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

@stephee:  I agree. What a jerky thing to say. 3 years dating and living together is more than enough time where expecting a proposal is acceptable.

Post # 15
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I feel your pain. My SO hinted for weeks that my gift was gold and sparkly. I’d been waiting for him to propose for over a year and thought this was finally it, so I got all excited. On the big day he gave me a bottle of liqueur with gold flakes floating in it.

I was so disappointed, I burst out crying. SO got real defensive and said he never told me it was an engagement ring and it’s my own fault if I assumed it was. So he knew what I was expecting and he purposely led me on. He isn’t usually cruel so I think he was just kidding around and genuinely didn’t expect me to get so upset. But he didn’t apologize.

That was last year and we’re still not engaged. I’m still annoyed about it and don’t dare get my hopes up on gift giving occasions because I was so devastated last time. So I don’t think it’s a good idea to hope for a ring as a gift. You just need to assume it won’t be a ring, otherwise you’ll probably end up being devastated like I was. Having said that, a cargo net is totally inappropriate as a gift for anyone!

I say give him until the end of the year and then consider your options. Depending on your ages, three years is plenty long enough to propose.

Post # 16
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Honestly, 3 years is not that long. It probably feels a lot more intense because you’re thinking about it all the time.

I think you should back off this train of thought and relax. He has been looking at rings. He has a plan to propose before the end of the year. If you love him, give him the benefit of the doubt.

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