Post # 1
What have you found the etiquette to be on bridal showers? My bridal shower is actually going to be hosted by my sister the day before my wedding at my Mum’s house in October (the wedding is on a long weekend). The guest list will be 31 people for afternoon tea plus all NINE members of my FI’s immediate family: his Mum, his sister, his sisters-in-law and all of his nieces. And the Best Man’s wife.
However, my FI isn’t happy. He had asked me twice to invite his three good female friends (who are a group of three sisters) and their mother who are his family friends. I have only met them twice and told him I find them quite intimidating. He wants me to invite them because they don’t get out “too often”. I have explained to my FI that I thought it was unfair of him to ask since it’s meant to be my special time with my close female family members and friends (many of whom are travelling especially for the wedding and I haven’t seen for years), an opportunity to share some intimite time and that 40 people was already a big number to have at my Mum’s house. Also, 1/4 of the guest list is already made up of his family.
BTW, FI does not plan to invite any of my male family or friends to his bachelor party and I am fine with this as I have told him, it’s his event, it’s about his own bonding time with his friends.
So two nights ago, my FMIL was staying overnight with my FI and I and my FI brought up the subject again in front of her saying he was worried by what the “fall out would be if they weren’t invited” to my shower and that I should invite them. I was very hurt and upset since we had already discussed and he had agreed that he understood that I wouldn’t invite his other friends. It was obvious at the time he was bringing it up again to see if he could get his Mum to change my mind about it. I was angry and upset about being blindsided in front of his Mum and explained calmly again the situation.
Also, ALL wedding guests are invited to a rehearsal dinner the same evening, including the ladies in question.
And no, there is no possibility of a 2nd bridal shower being hosted by anyone else, we don’t do that where I’m from.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
How irritating …. these friends arent even family members or anything and if you dont want them there dont have them there. Id be pissed and FI would know about it.
If hes really wants them to be involved tell him to invite them to his stag night.
Post # 4
Ooh I would be PISSED that he pulled that shit in front of his mom. You two are about to become husband and wife, and he’s sharing your disagreements with his mommy in hopes that she’ll take his side and they can gang up on you? And that’s without even getting into the fact tht he needs to man up and deal with any ‘fallout’ without complaint – why does he not care at sll about you getting the bridal shower you want, or the fact that he’s being totally rude by trying to add people onto the guest list for a party your sister is hosting?
Have you two talked about this since his mom left?
Post # 5
@Ozziebee: I would be very annoyed with my FI. It is your bridal shower and they are not close friends or family of yours. Why does he think its ok to force you into inviting his friends to your party when he isn’t inviting your male friends and family to his?? You need to address the fact that he brought up a disagreement in front of his mother in hopes that she would agree with him. That is extremely immature and a big no go!
Post # 6
@Ozziebee: just invite them. It’s not like there are 9 of you- 40 is a fairly large number. Sometimes in life it is better to be gracious and inclusive. I mean, seriously, you are being hard on him about such a MINOR thing. These people are important to him, include them.
Have you ever heard of “picking your battles”? This is not a mountain to die on.
Post # 7
Hi- thanks for your input- yes, have heard of picking my battles… my 30 guests are my women family members, including my aunts, nieces, bridesmaids and close female friends who will all be wedding guests the next day. I agree it’s not a mountain to die on, but it is the one opportunity I will have for a special close time with intimate friends and relatives travelling from o/seas.
So, it’s partly this and partly that I have explained how important this is to my FI twice already, he seemed to understand then and then this gets raised weeks later in front of his Mum…
Post # 8
@Spade504: I have talked to my FI about it since and he has apologised but I still don’t think he understands. I have tried to make it clear that my bridal shower and my wedding dress are the only two things in the wedding he doesn’t get a say in
Post # 9
@Ozziebee: Honestly, I think you should invite them. These people are good friends of his and I think he just wants them to feel included and for you to get to know them. I think it would be a very nice gesture to invite them and clearly it would mean a lot to your FI. I really don’t see what the big deal is. 30 people is too many to have a “close and intimate” party. I had about 20-25 people at one of my showers and between opening gifts, eating lunch, and playing games, there wasn’t a huge amount of time to chit chat with everyone. It was not intimate. Intimate would be
FWIW, we invited some of my H’s/MIL’s familiy friends to one of my showers. I hardly knew them but it was very nice to meet them and talk to them for a bit. MIL spent most of her time visiting with them while I visited with my other friends, but I know everyone appreciated that they were invited. Remember, you guys are going to be a familiy and his friends are probably going to be your friends.
Post # 10
Just wanted to add a response to PPs feelings that this isn’t a thing to make a big deal about or the hill to die on…the bridal party invite list may not be, but the second he pulled his mom into the argument he made it a hill to die on! Because if he is going to bring in his mom to agree with him and tell her all about it when the two of you disagree…well, that just sounds like a nightmare for your future!
Post # 11
@Ozziebee: I would not want these women there. My bridal shower was two weeks ago, it was very intimate and full of people I am close to. I would not have been comfortable with people who I find intimidating and who are not friends of mine or family members. These women are invited to your wedding, that’s enough. He can include them in his bachelor party festivities since they are his friends.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I don’t see why he would care so much about this…and I doubt the women care either, but I would probably invite them just to pacify him. Its not as though you are having an intimate bridal shower, you probably won’t even really care that they are there among 30 other people.
Post # 13
Out of curiousity, how did his mom react?
I think you have a lot working in your favor.
The party is at your Mum’s, and you said 40 was pushing it. He wants to add 4 more- that’s a 10% increase. Nope.
Your shower is being hosted my your sister… So she should get the “final say” in who’s invited. Have you talked to her about this?
You can argue the circle thing. Well, I was only inviting family and close friends. Now I have to invite people you aren’t my close friends, so I should invite these non-close friends too.
So really, if you don’t want them there, you have lots of reasons to back you up.
However… in your position, I would have invited them. But where I live, bridal showers are actually just wedding showers, and the FI is “required” to attend as well, which means he does get a say in the invite list, meaning yes, his female friends are invited. If he was going to your party, I would say the same. If he’s not, he shouldn’t.
Post # 14
@Ozziebee: I don’t think he should be pressuring you to invite them. What does he have to say about not inviting your guy friends to his bachelor party?! Honestly I think it’s odd he’s so fixated on this.
Post # 15
Why does he care? I don’t get it? I’ve never heard of man giving a damn about invitees to bridal shower. Trey weird.
Post # 16
Thanks to everyone who gave advice on this one. My FMIL reaction at the time was pretty quiet- she was uncomfortable with me being upset and only said to my FI in front of me that the women concerned would “never know” that they weren’t invited to the bridal shower.
As for his bachelor party, he doesn’t say anything about it, as I haven’t made an issue about wanting him to invite any of my family/ friends, I’ve made it clear I don’t think it’s my place to interfere.
I haven’t talked to my Mum and sister about this as I know they will be unhappy with my FI for putting pressure on me when we will have a houseful and we are already inviting all of his family over the day before the wedding.