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Are any of you other 20-something brides receiving pressure to start families after you are married, perhaps before you are ready? Or even if you are ready (and it's really none of their business)?
I'm 22. I'll be 24 when we get married, but I personally am not ready to have kids until I am closer to 30.
But...my FI"s extended family (aunts and uncles) are already making remarks about us having kids and adding to the new generation of the family. Ahhhh. My FI's family isn't exactly polite/sensitive when it comes to things like this.
How do you bees feel about starting a family? Any advice for deflecting the kids comments?
We stopped the comments pretty early. People assumed we'd naturally be next but i'd say things like "oh hell no" with a guffaw and it just didn't leave room for discussion. The family doesj't bring it up anymore. they know we';re waiting a couple years now. Sometimes i make a joke like, "sheesh, let me hit 25 first!" (i'm only 23 which i think makes it easier). Just be honest and say you don't want them yet. You want to enjoy married life, etc. whatever. they';ll stop. we get more prodding questions from strangers it seems. or from the lady who does my nails...her favorite question is if i'm pregnant yet.
FI and I will both be very close to 25 when we get married in July. He comes from a large family where both parents are one of 4 and almost every aunt and uncle has atleast 3 children. We hear all the time about how it's been so long since there's been a baby around and how it'd be nice for us to have a baby soon etc etc. My comebacks are usually kinda snippy and might not be the best but depending on who's asking its usually "I think so and so provided enough kids for this family for a while so we should be able to take our time" or something of that equivalent. My family on the other hand asks about it on occassion but only because its a smaller family and it'd be my mom's first grandchild and my grandma's first great grand child. I can tolerate them because they don't push it on us like his family does. I guess another alternative would be to say- Well when we're ready and when we're expecting we'll let you know but until then we just want to take our time and enjoy each other before our family expands.
ugh! My mom is AWFUL about it. A-W-F-U-L! She gave hubby and I the downstairs bedroom so we could have "privacy" while we were there over Christmas. We were downstairs chilling for a little while and fell asleep and when we came upstairs a little while later my siblings were telling me that my mom said we were down stairs making babies. The only plus side is we got to sleep in with nobody coming down to bother us. She claims she has a feeling that we're going to conceive in Jan or Feb. She has no idea why, she just claims it's her "mother's intuition" Granted, I do want kids soon. I'd be happy to have a baby now, but hubby isn't quite ready. We're young, and we have a lot of time. It annoys me that she is trying to "wish" a baby on us when it would be a difficult time for us. It's like can't she stop being selfish and see things from our side? Stop pushing! It's even more annoying because I DO want kids right now but I know it's not really an option right now and I hate having to wait. but ugh. I haven't found a way to deal with her about it yet though. My other family has backed off since they know I'm going back to school and hubby is applying to grad school so they don't mention it really. My mom on the other hand, is nuts. (I'm 22 btw, hubby 24)
I just turn around and say "Eh, well we want to spend time together first just enjoying being married". As most of FH's family (who're the ones who're asking) are married they usually stop and think about that and then agree with me and slink away.
ugh! yes, and when we get married i'll be 28 (he'll be 29). I feel like my "clock is ticking" and i'm still unsure if i want kids!! his mom says more frequently whenever we are with them "soon you'll have kids.." or "when you have your kids"..... blah blah.
i'm really starting to feel the pressure but i usually just tell them i'm not even thinking about getting pregnant until after 30. thats usually the end of the convo. 
Ahh so glad to hear I am not alone! I personally think it is so strange -- sex is a really personal, intimate thing -- and yet, when it comes to the baby part of it, everyone feels the right to be in your business.
Krissybee, I am like you...still kind of on the fence about whether I even want kids!
And you all are right. Being upfront is the easiest way. I think I'm mostly just astonished that we're getting so much pressure despite the fact that we're only 22 and still a year and a half away from the wedding!
Happy to know it's not just me. :)
Yeah, we get some comments here and there, it's kind of annoying because anytime I say I have a headache, stomachache, or you name is someone asks if I am pregnant. It's also a little frustrating because we aren't trying yet, but you don't really want to go into all the details with people.
We'll be 26 and 30 when we get married, so the pressure is definitely there. We just both say we're planning to enjoy our marriage for a couple years before we have kids. Like a broken record, but I think our families are starting to get the idea.
Ugh, YES. We're 27 and have been getting it for a few years. We don't even want kids. My mother has even named her imaginary grandson and talks about the things she would buy for him.
I was twenty when I had my son..My Fi does not have any children...So, we have decided to just focus on raising my (our) son a few years before we have more children...I think we will be close to 30 before we have anymore children...
all. the. time.
FI's cousins have had a lot of kids and I think his mom is ready to join the aunts in grandmother hood. But we are young... 25... Ilike to be married for a few years before we have kids.
We get it a lot but it is negative rather that positive. I just graduated and next is FI going back to school and we just don't have money for kids. FI took a break from school so we could afford me to graduate and now i'm thinking of persuing graduated school in a year or two. We have a lot of negativity actually because we both don't have degrees, good incomes and a house. We've had plenty of relatives flat out say "don't get married" in more words or less. It's rediculous. I think they all expect us to "settle down" and I have kids while FI just settles at his current job and never finish school. That could not be more wrong. We want to travel and get degrees and jobs we love and are making good money in. I've had too many friends from high school recently have babies, the ones who never "went off to college" and therefore have been spending the last 6 years wanting to have one, and now they are broke, with dead end, low paying jobs and with guys who aren't exactly mature enough to be a father. I pity those girls and feel like that would be a depressing spot to be in.
We have two kitties and they are literally our children, my mom even calls them her grandkitties, It's completely silly but they are enough for us and make us happy the way children would. No kids before 30 is my rule! I want a savings and all I have now is student debt!
My future in laws wanted grandkids out of us asap... lover boy was the first born. For the past year or two there have been comments here and there... expected us to be expecting by 25. I'm 23 as is he. Well, that came to a hault when his little sister declared a whoopsie!
I have a bio degree and he is in med school... we're aware and frankly scared of the risks that come w/ older preganancies. So, I have a deadline, but I'd rather enjoy the first year or two of our future marriage before getting pregnant.
ughhhh...
its the worst.
i have tried the not until im done with school. not till im 25. not ever. and yet everytime they come to my new house his mom looks in the extra room longily and says... "perfect nursery"
Really? There is absolutely ZERO furniture in there as our lack of money cannot afford furniture for an extra room let alone a baby room!!
argh
You know who pesters me the most about having kids?
MY FIANCE!
He's 32 and I'm 24. He cannot wait to have kids. I just tell him I want to enjoy being married for awhile first, and it normally shuts him up (at least for a week or two). Emotionally, Im ready, but our checkbook barely supports the two of us. I've promised that after the wedding is done, and our (small) loans are paid off, I'll throw out the birth control.
As far as everyone else goes, I just give people a quick "It'll happen when it happens", and that's it. Usually, that's enough to suffice. It's saying that it will happen, not ruling kids out. But it will let them think whatever they want to think and stop bugging me.
I think this is going to be something that everyone deals with, and there's no surefire way to shut people up.
I don't get any pressure, but then I am 28. I put pressure on myself.LOL I want a baby soon and thankfully my SO(31) is on board. SO, it's just waiting on the right time with us.
I don't expect any pressure until I'm done with law school in two years because both of our families are respectful of education. But anyone who suggests I have kids "soon" or asks "when" after that is going to get a long lecture on how I didn't go to one of the best law schools in the country to quit after two years to have children. Perhaps he or she should ask my then husband if he wants to quit his 80hr/week residency to raise children. Oh wait, no one suggests that to a man. He or she is going to be on the way to the hospital anyway because my foot is going to be SO far up his or her rear end.
Yeah, I got my grandma and my FI's grandma saying things like that quite often. But I don't really consider that as pressure. I always laugh and answer something like "Well - in some years..."
I absolutely, positively do not want to belittle what you're going through, but if you think the pressure is intense during your early twenties, it's waaaaaaay worse when you're in your early thirties. I'm 31 and my fiance is 32, and some people just don't understand that We. Don't. Want. Kids. Not now. Not ever. But because I'm in my 30s, it's somehow expected that we'll start popping them out the moment I'm wearing my wedding ring. I totally feel your pain.
For people who are close enough to us for it to not be none of their business, we explain that we're childfree by choice and that isn't going to change. For the "none of your darn business" folks, we tell them that we're going to enjoy being married for a while before we even consider having children.
Our families don't even know for sure that we plan to get married (although I'm sure they get the idea), and I still get the occasional comment from my mother.
While we were there over Christmas, she mentioned that she bought a couple of extra copies of an out-of-print children's book we all loved as kids, and wants my slblings and I to have them to read to "your kids...when you have them...but no pressure. Well, maybe a little."
My response was, "Put your pressure on someone else." I'm only 23 and have told her many times in the past that I'm leaning toward not having kids.
My SO's brother and SIL gave his parents their first grandchild a little over a year ago, so I'm sure we won't get any comments from them anytime soon.
My mom makes comments once in a while like "you guys need to hurry up and get married so you can have kids" I used to tell her to go talk to my older step brothers and make them get married and have kids, but now... well I'm starting to take her side. Whenever the engagement and wedding do eventually come, I think I'll go off the pill right before the wedding. FI is so super good with kids so I think we're ready!
Wow, I'm the opposite. My husband and I are not being pressured at all. Of course, now we're expecting our first in June. We were hoping to wait for several more years too. Whenever someone asked when we would like to have children though, it used to be the same answer, 'if it happens, it happens'.
It is unbelieveable how we aren't even married yet and how much people are asking us already! We're making it pretty clear that we would like to wait for at least 2 years, so I hope people back off. My FMIL already gave her comment, "I guess we're going to have to wait like 3 years then before we have grandchildren," and I replied with a YES! It's our timeline not theirs.
I'm 20 years old & although I'm not really getting PRESSURE my dad definitely wants me to have kids in the next 5 years. I also would like to, just because I'd like to start my family BUT I also want to make sure I have my stuff together by then! Even though everyone says "You're NEVER ready for kids" well...I could be a lot more prepared than I am now!
Most of my family knows that FH and I are very seriously thinking of remaining childfree- we are only 19 and 21, but I know myself well enough that when I make a big decision, I usually won't change my mind. We decided I'm going to get Paraguard and at the end of the 10 years, if we still don't want kids, he's getting a vasectomy. But my mother doesn't know, or maybe just doesn't believe, that we don't want children. She is telling people that she is pretty sure she'll be a grandma within the next 5 years! Yeah, maybe if little brother weren't so painfully shy, she could have an "oops" from him while he's in high school or college... Of course, by the time my mom was my age, she already had had both of her children, so maybe 23 or 24 seems like a really great age to be having kids to her?
@ejs you crack me up :) love love LOVE that honesty! haha
For us it is a different situation...my fiances mom was young when she had him and his brother (20 and 21) but my mom was older (got married at 19 but waited a kind of long time considering).
I want to have kids as soon as we get married! But we are planning on waiting until after the move (to Texas right before/after the wedding) and after we *hopefully* find a home we want to buy.
Our parents arn't pressuring us in anyway...but I know his extended family expects us to get crackin' since that is how everyone in their family has done it...his cousin who is the same age as us got married in May and it already expecting. I know our parents will be THRILLED if we get pregnant... and very supportive, but I think even though they were also young, they are hoping we wait and get our own lifes settled first (Money wise, house wise, move wise, etc)
We are young, we will both be 23, but very mature for our age. I hope that in a year from now, I will be pregnant!
People are already asking us. I don't think there's too much pressure, they do suggest we wait but not too long. I think people overall are really curious and I'm pretty surprised that we're getting these questions already. I thought we would get them AFTER we were married.
We've been getting pressure from everyone, especially my casual friends. Whenever someone ends up pregnant, the same 3 girls always look at me and go, "You're next!" It's pretty annoying. It'll happen when it happens and the constant expectation of us getting pregnant immediately is a little tiring.
I'm 21 and wil be 22 when I wed next January. He's 25 and will be 26 by the time we wed in Jan. and will actually be only 3months away from turning 27 by then. I put more pressure on us to have kids then anyone else. I know it's insane but I feel my clock ticking hard. Though I still have more college to go through and I'm actually considering NOT going to vet school (my dream job is a vet) just so we can have kids because it'll be impossible to devote myself to my husband, my schooling, my child, and my job. Vet school is really hard to get into. His gandma who raised him is already making baby blankets for us, but I don't see that as pressure. I just see that as being sweet and sorta depressing. Depressing because she's making them just in case she's not around when we have kids. :(
Nope! :) My BF is 36 and has already been married (in which they decided mutually that they did not want children) and me, well, I've always been very expressive about my distaste for children, and how I never want them, and plan to live my life accordingly. People know that we both do not want them. Ever. So they don't even ask. In fact, my mom tells me I'd be stupid to have kids. :) Thanks Mom! haha
It hasn't been too bad. Everytime someone says something to me, I just tell them I'm only 23, there's time. I'd be okay if we started a family soon, we just can't afford to feed a third person yet.
As much as P and I want babies, we've decided to wait at least two years- he needs to have his college diploma and a full-time job, and I want to have been working for a while. And after a three-year engagement, we DEFINITELY want time to enjoy being married!
Our moms and friends can't wait for us to have babies that they can spoil (there aren't any grandchildren yet and none of our friends are planning on getting married), they all agree that it's smarter to wait and respect our decision.
The problem is P's father thinks that we're not going to use birth control (everyone in our families are Protestant except for him- he's Catholic). He's expressed to P many times that we shouldn't use any form of birth control. It's a bit awkward to deal with.
We started getting pressured to have babies BEFORE we got engaged! I'm 27, he's 30...both our parents started families in their early 20's - this means they think we are taking a very long time to hop on the baby wagon. HOWEVER, we don't even want children! I love kids, but I'm finding at this point in my life I don't have patience for even my dog! (I understand, this may change in a few/several years) I found that when people asked when we were going to start having babies and we answered, "We're not" - the qustion rarely gets asked! They are thrown off by the mere suggestion that we could be so selfish....
I'm not at all saying that it's bad to want kids soon after you're married...so for those of you who are leaning that way, that is great for you!
I am just shocked that suddenly, just because we're getting married, our VERY PERSONAL decisions are just up for debate. I'm kind of a modest/conservative person and I guess I wasn't really expecting this from FI's blunt family...
Yuppers! I am 26 and he will be 28!
He has a child from a previous marriage, he is ready to have kids and we get the question ALL THE TIME, I do want kids, like you, I think around 30ish is a good time!!! LOL I am in no hurry! But I guess more than anything...I would feel GUILTY getting pregnant anytime soon. Its horrible and something I cant tell most people, but his ex wife is a mean horrible person and holds his daughter from him all the time, he so does not get to see his daughter enough, and its HEARTBREAKING, so with planning a wedding and trying to save for that, we dropped a FEW grand on a lawer to try to get his daughter more! Right now his daughter is six, when she is here she does not want to leave, she treasures her time with her daddy, and I would feel guilty thowing a baby into the mix anytime soon. I mean I will eventually want a child, but right now his little girl I love to death and want to see her more, and start getting her more once the legal stuff kicks in etc... so I guess one day hopefully she will get to see her daddy more and have a ROUTINE and then we can think about having kids of our own without me feeling guilty or creating a confusing hard time for her! I just want to give her time with her daddy and be the center of our world! She is such an angel!
Its just a poopy situation! : (
I am 23 and the boy is 24. My mum has been on our case for pretty much the last 3 or 4 years. It's driving me insane. She has even starting buying stuff for "her grandchildren". She is totally insane. Little does she know that I don't plan on having kids for at least 3 years after we get married.
I'm extremely career oriented and don't really want kids. My mom agrees with me but my dad has already made comments to my mom that he wants GK (even though he's not happy about the wedding :\) Even though FI's family hasn't come out and said directly that they want GK they make it known in other ways. Fi's great grandmother is also still alive and i have a feeling she will be hounding us on our wedding day to have her a great-great-grandchild!
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