Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2015 - Los Willows Wedding Estate
Hello fellow Bees,
My FI and I have recently pushed our wedding back a year due to uncontrollable circumstances =/ and now I am being pressured to marry him ASAP and just have the party (wedding) when we have it planned. All of this pressure of course is coming from dear ol’ mom.
You see I was raised in a strict Christian home so when FI and I got together it was hell on earth. He was still married (in the process of getting a divorce from his now ex which he had been seperated from for a while, and on top of that he had a daughter.) Eventually everyone grew to love him and his daughter (who i say is mine because I have raised her..her mom is noooo bueno).
He decided to buy a house so we could live together and it was an easy transition for me because I had just left home to go live on campus (I was in my 2nd semester at SDSU).
When my mom found out that my lease had ended in July and that I had moved in with him (a little over our 1st year together) she practically disowned me. Things eventually got patched up and we have the best relationship and she loves him even more becuase she sees everything he does for me and his daughter. I was getting pressure from my mom about 2 years ago to get maried (she was still not fond of the idea of us living together and not being married). So I kept telling her we wanted to wait till I graduated from SDSU (which I just did 5 months ago in May).
FI proposed to me in Feb (3 months before finishing shool) and I felt like the pressure was over with because at least we had something official as to us getting married. However now that we have pushed the wedding back to 2015 she has kind of hinted that we should just go to the courthouse and get married and do the celebration when we have it planned.
This is NOT what i want nor is it what he wants. I just want her to get over the fact taht we are not getting married next year and living together (i think that is what it all comes down to). We have had arguments (nothing to escalated) about this and I feel like it is going down this path once more.
I believe I deserve the wedding we have planned and I dont want to have “2” wedding dates. I just want one..the one we have set aside for us. And I just dont want any more pressure from her. She makes me feel like what I am doing is alll wrong. HELP..ADVICE..WORDS TO CHEER ME UP PLEASE
Post # 3
You mention that you are a Christian. Well if you two are being intimate (I don’t know if this is the case but if you are) then isn’t it best to get married sooner? At the end of the day, it is the saying of your vows that matters most.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2015 - Los Willows Wedding Estate
I was raised Christian, not a practicing Christian. And I dont just want to get married sooner because we are being pressured or intimidating..thats not what we had in mind. And when we get married its cuz we want to not cuz my mother is telling us to. That is a presonal choice and we just want everything to be just as we wanted it for that day.
Post # 5
Ugh.. that bugs me. If you are not a “practicing Christian” then just say that you are NOT Christian. You either ARE, or ARE NOT.
If you are not, and your mother is bugging you about living together without being married… just ignore her… You are a grown adult and she needs to respect that you are capable of making your own life choices. I am sorta on your mum’s side about this, but then we also lived together before marrying – wasn’t ideal and didnt feel good about it a lot of the time… So I have no ground to stand on with telling you not to, and I know how hard it is to try to live seperately after living together.
Post # 6
Go with what you feel is right, it’s hard because she is your mother but do what you/your FI wishes and would be best for the both of you. practicing
@EmeraldTiger: I do not wish to sound mean or anything but you do not have to be “practicing” to be Christain. I am Roman Catholic, I was baptised and everything. I still believe in God, heaven, hell, and it all but I do not attend church. I am still Roman Catholic but I do not practice it.
Post # 7
I’m not going to nitpick semantics on whether or not you’re a Christian. You are what you feel you are (And this is coming from a “militant” atheist)
Anyway, don’t let your mother bully you. This is your life and your relationship and your decision. If you don’t feel ready/don’t want to/don’t whatever, then you shouldn’t have to do it until you are ready, or you do want to.
Tell your mother this. Tell her you love her and respect her and you want to do what is “right” by your religion (IF you feel this way), but this is something you and he want to do on your own terms. You don’t mean disrespect, you don’t mean to offend or “sin” or whatever she is accusing you of doing (or not doing).
Post # 8
@rmrsln2010: I agree… I guess I made an assumption about the OP’s standing based on the “was raised Christian but not practicing”… I shouldnt assume things prob… I just thing that not going to church is one thing – being Christian/Catholic/whatever does not mean going to church on sundays/saturdays/whatever. It means actively following Christ. I find that when people say “not practicing Christian” they mean that they were raised Christian, and dont currently actively follow Christ.
If you believe in, and follow Christ, then I would consider you simply “Christian/Catholic”. “Practicing/not practicing” – attending church, doesnt make someone Christian/Catholic, and NOT attending Church doesnt make someone NOT Christian/Catholic.
So… really it doesnt matter if someone is “practicing” or not. They still either ARE or ARE NOT Christian/Catholic.
But yeah… anyways… enough thread-jacking…
OP – You GO Girl! I have a pushy mother too… just stand up for yourself… and have your FI back you up. You two are your own family unit regardless of marital status – Act like it – tell her to back off, that nothing she can say will make you sign the papers now, and that you are not having two weddings. Again… we were also living together before we were married and considered signing the papers before the wedding… but figured that would just be awkward and then we would have two dates to remember, and we would want to celebrate but wouldnt really be able to do so if we just signed the papers early… we just had the wedding.
@Hyperventilate: (and what <— said was a really good way of telling your mother whats what.)
Post # 9
@chapara09: I was raised by a Jehovah’s witness mother, who is still hard core about her religion. The one thing I appreciate about my mom is that she doesn’t push her adjenda on me. I know that she didn’t agree with DH & I living together before marriage (so unchaperoned dates or premarital sex) but never once did she say anything to me about it. If there ever came a time that we would have needed to sleep over at her house she would have insisted that we sleep in different rooms, & that I would have respected because we would have been in her home (luckily we live in the same town so it was never an issue).
I’m sorry that your mom is pushing her beliefs on you & pressuring you to marry sooner then what’s possible for you and your SO. I’d have a sit down with your mom or be firm with her next time she says something, “While I understand that you do not agree with our arrangement, FI & I have decided this is what we are going to do. I ask that you respect our decision and not bring it up again. It is NOT open for discussion or debate, we are adults and have made our decision.”
Post # 10
@chapara09: The worst thing you can do is to get married when you and your FI don’ feel ready! SEriouly how can any marriage survive when an outside person did all the pressuring???? Get married on your own terms when you are both ready and it feels 100% right! You’ll regret it if you don’t do it at the right time and at your mother’s time.
This is my advice if you’re Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Diest, Mormon, Pagan whatever. I got married 11 years ago when it wasn’t feeling right and there was pressure due to other types of circumstances. To my prediction it ended (but it was a good thing for me). You gotta go with your gut.
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2015 - Los Willows Wedding Estate
Thanks for all the kind words.
In regards to the “not being a practicing Christian” I agree you either are or are not. I am not but still believe in God, hell, holy spirity, all of those things but am not following the ways of the Lord.
In regards to my dear ol’ mom, whom I love to death, Its not that she is pushing her religion on me but its agianst her thoughts and at one point it was against my beliefs as well. (things and beliefs change over time and through hardship). I guess she just wants us to do it the “right way,” but that is not our way or what we want. She had pressured me before about getting married before we were even engaged. We always knew we would get married but when the time was right. then the pressure stopped once we got engaged.
I hadnt told my FI about this until yesterday and he said that maybe she thinks we are getting cold feet since it was pushed back. Also we have been going through a “rough patch” and my parents know that but that doesnt mean we are getting cold feet. There are always rough pathces and arguments and dissagreements in relationships and it would be silly of me to think that just because we had a few arguments and dissagreements in a week or two that we should not get married.
Hyperventilate: those were almost the exact words my FI told me to tell my mom. Next time she tries to bring this up again I will just lay down the law and tell her I respect her and everything she has to say and her words of wisdom/experience, but this is what we chose to do and this is how we are going to do it.
Thanks to all of you for your words of support and letting me know that being pressured is not ok, nor will it turn into something good.