Post # 1
I’m not sure that this really belongs here, because we’re not trying to TTC at all yet, but my in-laws are driving me up the wall with comments about babies!
We only got married a few months ago and they were painful enough for that, so we were looking forward to the wedding being over so they would back off and let us live our lives again, but they (mostly FIL) keep going on about “their grandchildren” (NOT our children). My husband and I just bought a house and Father-In-Law and Mother-In-Law came out with us the other day to have a look at it and Father-In-Law couldn’t stop going on about how much his grandchild would love growing up here, which room they should sleep in and what games they could play in the backyard. Even where they would sit on the couch (in his house, everyone has assigned seating for dinner, TV, etc.).
Pretty much every time we visit now, there’s some mention of their grandchildren and how excited they are, etc. Even when one of FIL’s friends visited with their young baby, Father-In-Law and Mother-In-Law made me hold the baby (and I don’t like holding strangers’ babies) and proudly said “One day that will be OUR grandchild in your arms.”
I’m looking forward to having children. I really am! But I hate being told what to do by people I don’t particularly like, and it’s really putting me off having kids. I don’t want to delay having kids (it’s important to me that we have children early rather than later), but I don’t want the in-laws to believe that our children are “theirs” or that we’re having children early to please them.
Post # 3
I can really understand this situation. My future Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law were like this. So badly, that we had a wedding planned years ago, and it was cancelled. One of the reasons that my partner brought up was that he felt under pressure to have children right away.
On the second visit to my partner’s family, his mother was telling me that she wanted to be in the delivery room when I gave birth to her grandchild. (At this point I had only been dating her son for 2 months!). Really scary!!! It only got worse from there. Now, 8 years on, he doesn’t want children at all, because he knows that his mother will not give us a moments peace.
Time to set boundries!!!!
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@LadyElva: Sigh. Why do our parents/ in-lawsto do this to us? I get a little of this pressure too and I just simply ignore it.Actually, I usually say “we’re too poor and I just don’t want a kid right now, so quit bugging me.”
I think it would be good to set some boundaries with them. They have to do none of the “work” of having children. I would mybe tell your husband to tell them to lay off. It’s really none of their business when you want to have kids.
Remind them they will not be pushing the kid out of their vagina, or missing work for weeks at a time, or having their belly itch from stretch marks for 5 months, or changing diapers at 3, 4,5, 6, 7am, or paying thousands of dollars a month for their day care.
I could go on. Have your children when you’re ready.
Post # 5
@katepoppy: I have been trying to set boundaries around this issue. Usually just by saying “We’re not planning on having children for at least another year. We want to do XYZ before we have kids.” They usually just get upset that “It might be another two years before our grandchild is born?!”
We both still really want to have children, so that’s not an issue, I’m just worried about how much they expect to be involved, given that I’m already mentally setting limits on what they can do with the kids (FIL has a pretty toxic personality – and I’ve vented about him a lot on here). They’re incredibly difficult to talk to about boudaries, though, because they can’t see that what they’re doing is wrong or unpleasant at all! I honestly believe my Mother-In-Law wants to be in the delivery room, too. She’s strongly hinted at it, and I shut it down pretty quickly. When we are expecting a baby, I don’t even want my in-laws to know about labour until the baby has actually been born!
@lealorali: Sadly, I’m the one usually telling them to lay off, rather than my husband, simply because they just don’t listen to a word he says (they raised him with the mentality that children have no opinions and even though he’s 25, they still can’t hear anything he says that disagrees with their opinions). Which is partly why I’m terrified of the idea of them being involved with our children.
I don’t want to bring up the “trials” of raising children to them, because they would just insist on helping; which is not something I want from them at all. Any help from them comes with strings attached and major guilt trips (e.g. we didn’t ask them to help with paying for the wedding, they insisted on giving us money, then acted like we had twisted their arm and should be grovelling in gratitude).
Post # 6
do what you want to do and dont let anyone talk you into how they think you should live your life. They are simply excited for future babies.
One word of wisdom: when you do decide to ttc, dont tell anyone you are ttc! that way if you dont get preggo right away, you wont have to tell everyone it hasnt happened yet. that would suck! let them be surprised and they wont see it coming
Post # 7
Oh.My.Gosh. This is way too intense. I would kindly explain that you’d like some time alone with just your husband (more than 9 months!) and that you have some pre-baby things to work on .. I know excuses aren’t always best but I gotta do that with my Father-In-Law too.