Pretentious Married Women who forget their friends

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

I can relate to this, but in kind of a different way. it’s my friends who automatically think “oh, she won’t want to go out, she’s getting married.” At my class reunion I was told multiple times that it was “so cool” I was going to the bar with everyone else even though I am getting married.

Really? I’m not sick or dying or having a knit-a-thon… I’m the SAME person I have always been.

Post # 4
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

How about when you as an almost married person, makes many attempts to spend time with single friends and they refuse to do the same… Then you send them an invite and they still decline and still make no effort for the friendship. single people are just as guilty with their lack of effort toward married people as it is visa versa. 

Post # 5
Member
2232 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m terrified this will happen. My BFF just got married a month ago and she hardly has time for me anymore. Shes all about her DHs family and working on her house and she doesnt have time for friends anymore. I also fear her DH will start making her cut ties. Hes very controlling and devalues her quite a bit. I warned her he might, but she insists he wont. Time will tell. Such a bummer :/

Post # 6
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

OP, you hit the nail on the head. I have to admit that when I see rants from people here, and they’re left vague, I often wonder: “Now, did her single friends *really* abandon her, or did she get so wrapped up in planning a reality TV-esque wedding that she gave up on *them*?”

I do a lot of the same stuff I did before I got married. One of our friends got married much later in life, and he (yep, he) dropped off the face of the Earth. You talk to him and it’s “mywifemywifemywife.” It’s sad, because he was a very interesting, cool person, and now he doesn’t make any time for us.

Post # 7
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee

@SaraKim:   I love this! I’m not married or engaged, but when I am married, I don’t intend to become a different person. My SO loves me for me- which means he also loves that I know when we need personal time with our friends, away from each other. We’re living together, and I have no problem with the fact that sometimes he wants to spend the weekend with his friends. We’re individuals- we didn’t lose our identity just because we are now part of a couple!

Post # 8
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@SaraKim:  Personally, if I didn’t get some time away from FI occasionally with my friends I’d go insane. I can’t see this changing after we’re married!

Post # 9
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I just lost a friend to this.  She got married almost two years ago (I was her maid of honor) and she has this idea on how married people should act.  She feels that she should no longer have girl nights because it would harm her marriage.  I was able to look past it for a while, I put up with seeing him most of the time and few times I did see her without him there he was at work but then she pushed it to far when she refused to come to my birthday party without him.  I wanted a girls night with my bestfriends, all I wanted was to hang out for a couple hours at my house and talk but she refused to leave him alone for 3 hours.  I don’t understand why people feel they have to change everything they do just because they get married.  I was very respectful of her marriage and though I was not in the same place of my life, I was supportive, let her vent about things and helped her when I could, I didn’t ask her to go out to clubbing and partying, I never asked her to go out during the weekend because I knew that was their time, I was extremely accomodating of her new life but after she refused to spend just 3 hours without for my birthday I couldn’t take it anymore.  I tried to keep the friendship alive, she didn’t.

Post # 10
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

My good friend is like this. Now that she is married she wont do anything except an occasional dinner date. It’s annoying and then she complains she doesnt have many friends. Ummm there is a reason! 

On the other hand since I’ve been engaged my friends talk about me not wanting to do things bc I’m engaged. They wont even invite me certain places. They dont know if I would go or not and they just assume I’m some old boring married lady with 10 kids or something. I am still the same person. I still will go on a girls trip, dinners, club, bars, lounges, etc. I just dont need to go for the intentions of meeting someone.

Post # 11
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

On the other hand since I’ve been engaged my friends talk about me not wanting to do things bc I’m engaged. They wont even invite me certain places. They dont know if I would go or not and they just assume I’m some old boring married lady with 10 kids or something. I am still the same person. I still will go on a girls trip, dinners, club, bars, lounges, etc. I just dont need to go for the intentions of meeting someone.

Exactly this. I never did go out with the intentions of meeting someone anyways. FI and I have been together for 7 years, so it’s not like I’m suddenly not single 😛

Post # 12
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@SaraKim:  I can only speak for myself and my experience.  When DH and I first got married, he was still in the military and was stationed about 800 miles from where I lived.  It was important for DH and I to see eachother as much as possible (although it was hardly at all) and we pinched every single penny to afford plane tickets.  I was always willing to go hang out at a friend’s house/them come over to mine, but more often than not they wanted to go out to dinner, movies, concerts…things I simply could not afford because I was saving money to go and see my husband.  So, basically, my priorities changed…big time.  Before I got married, my money was free flowing and did whatever I wanted to (irresponsible, I know), but when I got married suddenly I was saving for a house, a baby, the potential time that DH would be unemployed when he separated from the Army…which ended up being 10 months of unemployment…TOTALLY SUCKED.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to hang out with friends, it was because they had a different agenda that they could afford and I no longer could not.  All of my married friends went through a several month period where all they wanted to do was be at home with their husbands…and that’s fine.  After a few months, they resurfaced again and everything was great.  I have just learned to respect that newlyweds all adjust differently and if I want to remain friends, respect that adjustment period for them.

Post # 13
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m going to be one of these women. Not from the pretentious, rehearsed aspect. But I certainly don’t intend to expend the same amount of energy trying to keep old friendships alive after I’m married. My husband and our new family will deserve that attention. 

To clarify: I moved abroad a few months ago. That process really showed me that most of the people I considered friends were actually more like convenient associates. Once communicating with me became less convenient for them, 70-80% of them dropped me like a hot potato. I got a vonage number (so that people wouldn’t have to pay extra to call me). I activated an int’l iPhone (so I can still FB, Tweet and iMessage). Besides the fact that I’m not physically down the street, it’s like I never left. And yet somehow, the vast majority of the friends I’ve gained over the past 5-10 years or so could not be LESS bothered to talk to me or spend time with me– and don’t even get me started on all my guy friends who I thought were my real friends over the years who suddenly can’t stand the sight of me now that I’m off the market. WTH? We were platonic friends for 7 years. What does me getting married have to do with our relationship? Unless of course, you’ve secretly been planning to make a move on me all this time and now that you realize that it can never happen, you see no further value in being friendly with me. I digress.– I’ve put forth a lot of effort, but it has been to no avail. Actually, it’s been a very difficult and emotional realization for me.

After I get married, I’m going to stop trying. I already know that I’ve spoken my last words to plenty of people I considered bosom buddies just 6 short months ago. Most likely they will blame it on me having gotten married and changing my perspective. But actually, it seems the changes I’ve made in MY life has changed THEIR perspective. 

 

Post # 14
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Overjoyed:  Are we the same person?  It sucks, but it’s true. 

Post # 15
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@Overjoyed:  

 

I already know that I’ve spoken my last words to plenty of people I considered bosom buddies just 6 short months ago. Most likely they will blame it on me having gotten married and changing my perspective. But actually, it seems the changes I’ve made in MY life has changed THEIR perspective. 

 

+1,000 to this, and bingo.

 

I’m sorry this happened to you. It happened to me, too. One of my oldest “friends” dropped me like a hot potato as soon as I got married.

 

Had I still been single, I probably would have spent the emotional energy and time chasing after this friend to mend fences (though it would be hard to mend fences when you’ve done nothing wrong. I have no idea to this day why this person suddenly stopped communicating with me, although I suspect it was jealousy on some level because this friend was very, very unhappy about being single).

However, because I was madly in love and enjoying being a newlywed, I had more positive things on which to focus.

Nope, I don’t miss a small handful of superficial, fair-weather friends from my single days, not one bit. The ones who really care about me have stayed by my side all along.

Post # 16
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Uh… I don’t really spend time with single friends. Mostly because they are all away at college and doing the party-all-night, up-and-do-crazy-stuff-on-a-whim kind of stuff.

Meanwhile, I graduated early and have been married for three years.

While they are busy sharing a dorm room and not worried about much past this Friday, I’m trying to get pregnant, buy a house, pay back student loans, and get a career going.

Needless to say, and it is NOBODY’s fault, we simply don’t have anything in common anymore. They don’t want to hear about the “boring” married life I live and love, and I can’t relate to the out-all-night, irresponsible behavior.

I don’t feel bad about it.

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